katnip095

[katnip095]

Fuck this

Well fuuuuuck this ANYWAY!!!

I really like him 😩 like a lot... 😔 and I know he’s dealing with stuff but I don’t think anything’s gonna happen 😔 we’ll not anytime soon... 😩

[katnip095]

Turing

I’m currently writing a paper on cryptology and naturally come to Alan Turing. I have seen the imitation game and have read a lot about him to write this portion of my paper to make sure I get what happened correctly.

But that’s beside the point.

My point is, that whether or not it was “illegal” to be homosexual back in the 40s and 50s, it was a crime in itself for him to be chemically chastrated. And then to be pardoned for this “crime” in 2013. 2013!!!! He died in 1954 for fuck sake! Fair enough, people back then had a different mindset to that of what we have today. But the pardon should have happened a lot sooner than it did.

In my own opinion, due to his contribution to the war, his crime should have been swept under the rug and not spoken of as a thank you

[katnip095]

Telling someone you love them while piercing them with your words and causing irreparable damage is not love. “I love you” is not meant to function as a band aid to cover up the wounds caused by your carelessness. It is not a quick fix, a get out of jail free card. Love is supposed to build someone up, not tear them down.

He taught me that pain is a synonym for love - Jess Amelia  (via jess-amelia)

[katnip095]

She doesn’t want to be part of his journey, a pit stop where he rests his tired eyes for a couple nights. She wants him to sigh in relief as he tells her how happy he is to see her. She wants to be the home he’s been searching for.

She wanted to be his “finally” - Jess Amelia (via jess-amelia)

[katnip095]

Chocolate

I melt when they look at me So deep and dark Like chocolate I want to drown in them. Soft, like him.

[katnip095]

My frog, he wasn't really a frog, but I kissed him and he became my prince. I became his queen. Sadly he is my prince, waiting to become king. He is still a boy training to become king. Because made a fatal mistake. He didn't protect me, even from himself

- me

[katnip095]

A Reassuring Announcement: Please, be calm, despite that previous threat. I am all bluster - I am not violent I am not malicious. I am a result

Death, The Narrator - The Book Thief by Markus Zuzak

[katnip095]

120% agree with this

[katnip095]

I want to kill myself

[katnip095]

I'm an Idiot

I really am though... i miss him.... so much....i keep going to call him... he's the person I'd talk to about stuff if I was upset.. and I very much am... i am quite heartbroken... I thought he was gonna keep it safe.. keep me safe... I am incredibly dissappointed... not just with what happened but with myself too. I'm even more so dissappointed in him.... he has lied to me. There is something else, I have a gut feeling about it... Its either something, or someone. I hope its not the latter... If it is, I'll be furious with him. It will mean he did to me what he did to Lucy when he was getting with me... but somethings telling me its not that... its not that its someone else... When I remembered about what Al told me the night we broke up at Christmas, it clicked. That he was waiting for the pressure of moving out and working and stuff to get to him... It's either that, that he's having that explosion of pressure, now, that its has gotten to him or its something like it... but I do feel like it could be that. It's mainly the pressure of money tbh. Think about it, Al hasnt paid him, that means more shifts are needed to be done in Texaco, which he very much does not want to do, and he cant work there from Wednesday to Friday as he's with Al, for nothing I may add, well I dont know if it is anymore but lets assume for now. So, it means, fuck all money at the moment for rent, food, bills and smokes... Add on top of that the pressure that I know he'd be feeling about my birthday present, I spend around €250 on him for his birthday there in November... I know it probably sounds like I'm plucking this out of thin air and that I sound hopefull... maybe I do, maybe I don't but... I do beleive theres something else that he isnt telling me... I got paid from my placement on the Friday before he ended it and bought myself an Apple watch on the saturday morning, I know he wanted to buy an apple pro with his moola when he got paid that Friday too, but he didnt get paid, thats the problem... hahaAl, his roomate and best friend of 12 years hasnt paid him for his placement (yes, i know, one shouldnt work for a friend let alone roommate...) maybe it was a bit of jealousy in there, that i got paid and he didnt... a friend of mine explained to me why we dont like things in other people, and its cause we dont like it in ourselves, so for example, with himself, maybe he broke it off with me for, the reason he used, that he didnt like my negativity cause he couldnt be negative himself... or as another example, if someone says "ugh i hate that their so self conscious" its cause you yourself dont like being self concious ya know? We had such a lovely evening on Friday, yeh ok, i got annoyed at myself that the sauce for dinner wasnt ready for the 4 of us to have dinner all at the same time.. i was conscious of their friend arriving and i knew the kitchen had to be clean.. so i got hot and flustered cooking and ended up getting annoyed at myself... so i took a little me time to cool down while i went and got mixer... I came back and he asked if i was annoyed at him. I told him i wasnt and explained why i was. He took it, accept it and we had a really nice evening... we did have an ugly one the weekend before, but thats it... i havent had a bad night in ages... none that i can think of... tbh, him turning around and using my "negativity," which is me talking about my problems and stuff, like one should with their other half, is bullshit. thats why i think theres something else going on.. well i hope there is cause hes an asshole otherwise.. that he turned around, throughout our relationship, telling me that i can talk to him about that stuff.. and now he's pushing it back in my face....?????????????????????????? if anyone out there sees this, and reads it, can you leave your opinion of it and if you have any questions or want more info, ask. I'm extremely confused and hearing what other people think and stuff can open my mind up more about this, or might help me realise something...

[katnip095]

I’m not here to control your life…I just want to be a part of it. I want to be your partner, your queen. I want to be the person you call at 2pm and 2am. I want to be your person. But most of all, I want to see you smile and if I’m the reason for it, it’s even better.

I guess this is love - Jess Amelia (via jess-amelia)

😔 I still want this 😔

[katnip095]

Morning

Ahh sure look, I'll be ok in the morning

[katnip095]

Shell

Guess it’s shell time again

[katnip095]

Pain

I wanna be drinking... At least I only feel the pain for a bit until the alcohol numbers it

[katnip095]

Goodbye

Hi there, I'm currently sitting on my floor writing this. If you know me, you'd know there's something bothering/upsetting/angering me while I'm in this position. But how or never. I wish to say goodbye to you. I wish you luck in everything you do. I also wish for you to know why I was cold to you the last time we spoke. I realised that I couldn't meet up with you because it wouldn't just remind me of what happened and how much I hurt you, it would remind me how you treated me when we met up after it all happened. All short and accusing. I hated it. Totally and completely. But I sat there and I took it because I cared so much for you. And I still do. I could easily tell you what it is I did for you. But you're about to start off on a journey that I know you want. I decided against meeting up with you due to the fact that I'd probably mention that there was something you didn't know about this all. I wouldn't tell you what it was and it would be on your mind when you leave. I am only writing this for my own sanity. I needed it off my chest. And I apologise if you see it. Doubt you will. But I want you to know, I care, so fucking much about you You have no idea

[katnip095]

Can't sleep thoughts

So… I’ve been in bed since half 10… An hour and a half I’ve been here… Trying to get to sleep but sadly to no avail… So I’ve been wondering why that could possibly be…

It’s probs down to the fact that I went to sleep late last night so my body clock is used to that time instead of now… But I thought of other possibilities….

Could it be because subconsciously I’m nervous about college starting back tomorrow and everything else that goes with it?

Could it be that my mind is still reeling about how much Ex-Machina made me think today?

Could it be the whole idea that if you can’t sleep it means that someone is dreaming about you? - this one could explain why I keep waking up in the middle of the night with no reason… But then again who would want to dream about crazy ol me? 😂

Could it be because I was wondering if you miss me, just as much as I miss you?

Could it be because I’m terrified about something? Something from the past that I cannot change or do anything about but do not like to think about or to see… And it’s so hard not to do with it everywhere on show…. 😔

Maybe it’s because I’ve been overthinking.. A lot..

I cannot change the past, I do know that. I’m very aware of that fact.. Still doesn’t mean that I don’t understand..

😩

[katnip095]

I hope

I hope you find it... And that you don't decide to give it away before you do... Cause it's not like you're gonna need to use it again