kcwritesthings

[kcwritesthings]

Suicide Dreams

I don’t know what’s worse Living and wanting to die Or dying and wanting to live

Suicide dreams fill my nights Knife to skin Pills swallowed with a bottle of gin The tears of my next of kin Heavenly gates closed because of my sin Living in a ruthless game that I will never win Forced to ride on a merry-go- round that spins and spins and spins

I don’t know if I should lie And hide these demons that live inside For when I sleep they convince me that it’s time to die And in my slumber they make me cry With the atrocities continually worsening before i open my eyes

The rope around my neck is snug Giving me more comfort than I’ve ever felt with a hug Because love fucking hurts And this rope is my only way out I’ve tried to scream, I’ve tried to shout I’ve contemplated this for a while and I’ve had my doubts But I need out I need out

The pills are the different colors of the rainbow Red, blue, purple, green, orange and yellow I should be panicking, but instead I am mellow Because I’ve stopped feeling pain All I am is drained My bed sheets are already tainted red from blood stains I’m past the point of being insane I need out I need out

The water is still Jumping off of this bridge will take all of my self will It will hurt, but at least I’ll surely be killed I already feel like I can’t breathe I’m ready to leave Only one foot is left on the ledge Now I jump, now I’m dead! I’m dead I’m dead Please lord let me be dead

They don’t have a funeral service Because the less people that know how I died, the better

I wish that my unconscious mind would stop romanticizing death Because when I am awake I am fighting to live With everything that I have to give And waking up after dying is hard When you’re continually fighting to be where you are And I trace my fingers over my old self harm scars Remembering the way it felt when the blood oozed out And I don’t want to go back to that place But every time I have a suicide dream, I feel one step closer to there As the demons keep pulling me into their lair Until I’ve had more than i can bare But in my life I have people who care And that is something that I should value for it is rare

So, my demons, no. I will not let you take me there For a suicide dream is only a fragment of reality And I will not be the cause of my own fatality.