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Fluid(entity)

Belonging hinges on identity, and since identity is fluid, belonging does not require a resolution. In “The Stigma of Privilege” authors Wilton, Sanchez, and Garcia find that biracial people proudly identify with their non-white side if they are surrounded by other stigmatized groups of people. On the other hand, individuals are more likely to identify as white if they experience some sort of perceived threat such as racial discrimination. Due to change in sociocultural settings and the passage of time, identity, and therefore sense of belonging, evolve constantly. In this blog, we focus on biraciality and explore how biracial identity is often reactive to its environments. To showcase this, we interviewed three biracial students on campus along with Jane from Re Jane and Halina from Halina Filipina. As you read through the interviews, our hope is that they encourage you to consider the impacts of one’s surroundings on one’s identity. Rather than a concrete resolution, a person’s identity is an ongoing exploration, catalyzed by their movements across spaces and communities.

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Jane Re.

“I am content with who I am and how my past experiences have shaped me. What is important is that I know that both of those sides–Korean and white–are a part of who I am.”

How do you identify ethnically?

I am half-Korean, half-white. In Korea they call it honhyol.

How do you feel like you belong to each ethnic identity?

Honestly, I feel like I still don’t quite belong to either. Koreans will still look at me strangely, notice my honhyol-ness, and white people will still view me as Asian. I’ve learned to embrace my Korean side as I’ve learned more about my family. I don’t know if I would call it “belonging,” but maybe a deeper understanding, respect, and appreciation for it. I do think I now feel more secure in the title “Korean-American.” I can still be Korean, practice certain values (read: nunchi) and view the world a certain way, but also find community and connection among white people. Some of my dearest friends today are white; and while it’s been a difficult (if awkward) journey of mutual understanding on both sides, I think that we’ve reached a point where I can feel truly comfortable being with them, not like a stranger or foreigner.

Was there one side of your heritage that you identified with more as a child? Do you feel like you belong to one identity over the other now?

I can say that when I was little, my uncle made being white sound shameful. Growing up, everyone in my neighborhood looked at me differently because I didn’t quite look like them. People (especially my uncle) treated me a certain way because I was honhyol, not fully Korean like them. Whatever “bad” qualities I had, they were attributed to my father–my “whiteness.” So as much as I wanted to be seen as Korean, it felt as if social circumstances and my own upbringing wouldn’t allow me to. I used to despise being this in-between. But as I’ve said before, since then I’ve come to learn that my whiteness isn’t a curse, and can in fact be an advantage: I have access and immersion in not one, but two divergent cultures. And I can either let them cripple my sense of self-worth and identity (like it used to), or let them reflect their positive impact in me. Even if I do subconsciously gravitate towards one identity over another, it doesn’t matter to me. I am content with who I am and how my past experiences have shaped me. What is important is that I know that both of those sides–Korean and white–are a part of who I am.

How has movement influenced your feeling of belonging to your identity?

I’ve definitely had my fair share of moving. And now that I think about it, with each move I practically forced myself to belong. When I was an au-pair at the Mazer-Farleys, I followed Beth’s rules and sat through hours of talks with her. I met my first white friend Nina, who encouraged me to dress more provocatively as they did in the clubs in the city. But at the time there was something in me that didn’t feel right about the situation in which I had placed myself (in no small part due to my affair with Ed), and I felt the sudden but strong impulse to leave altogether.

There was an article I read once in The New York Times, about South Korean adoptees returning to their country of birth. There was one sentence in particular that stood out to me: “How can a person exiled as a child, without a choice, possibly fathom how she would have ‘turned out’ had she stayed in Korea?” I thought of my grandfather, and how he had sent me away to live in America because he foresaw a future in Korea where I’d be judged for my mere appearance. So when I moved to Korea, I think I equated belonging with becoming just like them, at the cost of losing myself. I became so immersed in a different culture and lifestyle, that I felt the only way to belong was to conform to it. I changed my appearance and clothing, acted differently, and almost lost Nina. It took me a little while to realize I was doing it all wrong. The measures I was taking were making me feel more Korean, at least according to the standards of this modern society I was thrown into. It was becoming a norm for me–could’ve even been a “home”–but it was definitely not one I was comfortable in. It was much like how the South Korean adoptees felt; as much as they tried to conform by spending time in the country, Korea would never be home for them. I was actively trying to find a place to belong, that I didn’t realize that the change began within me, as cheesy as it sounds. I make the most of the place I am in. I am the one who can determine where I belong or who I belong with. My parents did that, and they were happy, so why couldn’t I? So I moved back to the United States, where I could be among the people with whom I wanted to be and live a life on my own terms. And from there I became happy.

Recount the scene in Food where Beth and Sang meet for the first time. That seemed to be a distinct clash of white and Korean culture–describe how you felt in that moment. Have there been any other instances in your life in which parts of your identity do not align/clash with each other?

That was probably the most significant (and awkward) clash of cultures I’d ever seen. It was bound to happen, since neither side had really had such close contact with the other. It’s weird to describe it that way–like they’re completely different species or something. But that’s what it felt like in that moment; Beth’s lack of nunchi was made all the more obvious in this little world that was dominated by it, while Sang couldn’t pick up on Beth’s own culturally-influenced behaviors. This woman who always seemed to have control of the situation and had the answer to everything suddenly didn’t, and she could feel it. Honestly, I probably watched it with such sick fascination because it was like a physical manifestation of my own identities clashing with each other.  At that point in my life, I felt like they could only exist separately, and that episode at Food only seemed to further prove this point.

Reflect on this passage from The Night Counter (“Like I was saying, I look at myself in the mirror a lot. I see sickly and pimply, but I don’t see Arab, or Chinese, or Black. I do see someone who could definitely pass for Latino but not a hot one like Shakira or Jennifer Lopez…I used to think I would look weird ice fishing, but once someone thought I was eskimo, so I guess I could go ice fishing one day if Brenda would want to do anything fun.”) How do other people’s perception of your identity affect your own perception of your identity?

I actually read this book. Nina recommended it to me, saying it reminded her of me. I guess because I always used to talk about how I’d look in the mirror and see neither a Korean or a white person. I’d just see me, a honhyol. And I thought that was a bad thing unlike this Decimal character, who didn’t seem to really care what she looked like, especially to other people. It’s odd, actually–in the United States, I was condemned by my family for looking too white. But in Korea, I was praised for my honhyol-ness. I had a friend who said she envied my “white skin, big eyes, big nose and small chin.” I’d never considered them as admirable features, more like things that set me apart from everyone else. There’s this article I found once called “Whatever Happened to the Kayumanggi?” It basically talks about how Filipino Malay people admire the fair skin of white people at the cost of acknowledging the beauty of their own golden-brown tone, called “kayumanggi” in Tagalog. This fascination had its roots in historical circumstances, like how the Spaniards converted the Filipino natives into worshipping white-skinned religious figures, or how the Americans brought along with them a vision of the Hollywood ideal. What I learned from this article, and my time in Korea, is that sometimes skin color can be associated with a specific value. It can truly affect how people think of themselves and others–which is probably why Monica always had a bitter undertone whenever she commented on my appearance or position as a half-Korean, half-white woman. The ads on the trains in Korea, my aunt’s fascination with cosmetics, it’s all a part of this attempt to attain what history and society has defined as a beauty standard. And while I let it get to my head a little bit, I think I’ve reached a place where I don’t care as much how people perceive me–because I am happy with the person I’ve become.

Reflection

Jones, Maggie. “Why a Generation of Adoptees Is Returning to South Korea.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 14 Jan. 2015.

Although Jane is not adopted from South Korea, she was similarly removed from the country due to the decision of others, and seemingly for her own benefit. This New York Times article essentially explores the impact this displacement (to the United States, no less) has on the adoptees, and how this impact is felt once they return to South Korea. There are various individuals interviewed who all come from different environmental circumstances and upbringings, which wound up affecting how they adjusted to the country of their origin: some were able to adjust and move their permanently, while others had a difficult time viewing it as another home for themselves. Jane falls into the latter group, raised in her own version of Korea and utterly unprepared for the world she threw herself into. The article captures a relevant angle on the concept of belonging and its relationship with movement: and in Jane’s case, how physically journeying to a part of your ethnic identity is not always a return home.

Pedero, Dero. “Whatever Happened To The Kayumanggi?” Philstar.com, The Philippine Star, 6 July 2003.

Pedero dissects Filipino society’s favoring of whiter, fairer skin and their disregard for “kayumanggi,” or the golden brown skin color that is characteristic of most Filipinos. This article, although focused on a specific nation, can be applied to several others who attempt to emulate the white American/European ideal. Striving to model oneself after this type of person, or even having such a mentality subconsciously ingrained into one’s way of thinking, can have damaging effects for self-perception and racial identity. Jane was raised in an environment that belittled and shamed the white side of her, in terms of both appearance and negatively stereotyped values. When she goes to South Korea, though, her whiteness is praised as an enviable trait. The extreme dichotomy Jane experiences between these two reactions ultimately gives her the perspective she needs. Skin color is not always a direct reflection of one’s ethnic identity, but it is certainly not a determinant of one’s value.

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Halina.

“There’s just something about living in Metro Manila. I loved the driving, the food, the people, everything! I felt like an authentic Filipina woman. Like I had finally justified years of uncertainty about who I really am. There’s no way that I could have gotten that from staying cooped up in an office in New York City every day.”

How do you identify ethnically?

I identity as a Filipina-American! My dad’s American, and my mom is … well my mom was Filipina. I didn’t really get to know her or her culture that well because she passed away when I was really young. I think I was five? Maybe four.

How do you feel like you belong to each ethnic identity?

Well, it’s hard to say. I’ve lived in America basically my whole life, but I always felt…different, you know? Even in New York City, a place that’s full of life and so many diverse cultures, I never really felt like I belonged. Funnily enough, I don’t get to meet that many Filipina-Americans in the design firm I work at. Every now and then I’ll see a face in the crowd that kind of looks like me, or I’ll hear someone speaking in the language, tagah…talag…Tagalog! That’s it, haha. So, I’ll hear a few words in Tagalog that I can understand, but most of the time I can’t really understand basic conversation because the language was never taught to me.

Oh! Actually that’s not true! One of my best friends in the whole world taught me a few words when I visited the Philippines. Bababa ba? Bababa. Oh, those were good times. He also taught me how to pronounce food names, and as you probably know, food is a huge part of the culture in the Philippines. I was finally able to try bagoong, isaw, lapu-lapu, and halo-halo! That last one means, ‘all mixed up’!

…

I guess that’s a pretty good way of describing how I feel I belong to my ethnic identities. I’m all mixed up. I’m American, but I don’t really see or hear anyone like me. And when I went to the Philippines, gosh, there was really only one person I could always talk to despite me not knowing Tagalog. And even then, there were times when communication just didn’t work out. So I guess I’d say I don’t really belong to either. I’m all mixed up.

Was there one side of your heritage that you feel you identified with more as a child? Do you feel like you belong to one identity over the other now?

Since my mom passed away when I was really young, I definitely sided more with my dad’s heritage. I know that my dad loved my mother very much, but I guess he was never that close with her family in the Philippines. There are so many people in the Philippines that I am related to, but I guess my dad didn’t think it was important enough for me to explore that side of myself, so he never forced it. 

I mean, I saw a movie called The Joy Luck Club, and it was all about these first generation Asian-American women and their complex relationships with their mom. I never really had that, but I definitely couldn’t understand my Filipina side. There was also a link to a journal article called, “Negotiating the Geography of Mother-Daughter Relationships in Amy Tan’s The Joy Luck Club” It talked about how the racial identity that a mother creates for her child is NOT enough for a child to truly identify with. And since I wasn’t old enough to really get to know my mom, I didn’t really have any kind of Filipina identity. And no matter how many articles or shows or music I listened to, there was no way for me to really connect with the Philippines. 

And that’s something I really wanted to change, so I decided to go to the Philippines and meet my family! I wouldn’t say that I belong to either heritage, exactly, but I am definitely more in tune with my Filipina side now that I’ve been to the Philippines. I feel more at peace.

How has movement influenced your feeling of belonging to your identity?

I never really had a genuine connection to my Filipina heritage until I went to the Philippines. There’s just something about living in Metro Manila. I loved the driving, the food, the people, everything! I felt like an authentic Filipina woman. Like I had finally justified years of uncertainty about who I really am. There’s no way that I could have gotten that from staying cooped up in an office in New York City every day. I needed, using your term, movement to my mother’s homeland to really understand where I belong. 

Actually, what first inspired me to take a trip to the Philippines was this article my cousin sent me, “Is the Filipino Diaspora a Diaspora?” The author, Filomeno V. Aguilar Jr.,   wrote about how lots of first or second generation Filipino-Americans feel a sort of ... calling. And I believe that! I really wanted to go to the Philippines and explore my roots with my family. And so that’s what I did. And the people, food, and just the culture in general there really helped me reconcile how I felt about my belonging.

Recount the scene in Food where Beth and Sang meet for the first time. Have there been any other instances in your life in which parts of your identity do not align/clash with each other?

Oh gosh, that’s a tough one! I feel so bad for Beth because she didn’t know! She wasn’t really educated on the traditions and subtle mannerisms that Jane and Sang know well. That’s pretty similar to how I feel, too. When I first visited the Philippines, I felt like such an outsider. I had no idea what I was doing, and all I wanted at the end of the day was to call my boyfriend back in America. Gradually, things changed, and I felt more comfortable with being closer to my Filipina identity. But it took a while, for sure, and that’s not my fault or anyone’s fault, really. It’s just more difficult.

So, if I were Jane, in that scenario, I would probably have wanted to mediate between the two and just talk about the differences. But I don’t blame her for freezing up, either. When I yelled at “gym girl” in that fast food restaurant, it wasn’t something I thought about. I just did it because I felt that I had the power to do so. I believe that I’ve experienced enough of the Philippines to make judgments about what is right and wrong. I think that Jane is, as well.

Reflect on this passage from The Night Counter (“Like I was saying, I look at myself in the mirror a lot. I see sickly and pimply, but I don’t see Arab, or Chinese, or Black. I do see someone who could definitely pass for Latino but not a hot one like Shakira or Jennifer Lopez…I used to think I would look weird ice fishing, but once someone thought I was eskimo, so I guess I could go ice fishing one day if Brenda would want to do anything fun.”) How do other people’s perception of your identity affect your own perception of your identity?

I feel for you, Decimal. Like I mentioned before, there’s not that many people that I can really relate to. I don’t look or act white, and I don’t look or act Filipina either. There were times when I felt so utterly alone; I had nobody to share myself with, not even my boyfriend. I’m different, just because my dad was white and my mom was Filipina. I’m kind of…alone in that sense, I suppose…

But that’s okay! I know that I have people that care about and accept me because I certainly do. And sure, maybe that means I don’t exactly “belong” in the traditional sense. But to me, “belonging” is all about my own personal choice. Once I was able to really immerse myself in the culture of Metro Manila, I claimed the Philippines as a place where I belong. Now I feel genuine and powerful as a Filipina-American woman. And that’s more important to me than looking like any Shakira or Jennifer Lopez celebrity.

Reflection

Aguilar Jr., Filomeno V. “Is the Filipino Diaspora a Diaspora?” Critical Asian Studies, Routledge, 2015, pp. 440-461.

Aguilar analyzes how the term “diaspora” is used to organize those included in the Filipino Diaspora. He claims that over time, the Philippines has evolved to become a global center for dispersed Filipino migrants to return home to. Aguilar also discusses the Filipino Diaspora through a migrant’s ongoing relationship with their homeland through collective memory. He believes that the vast majority of second generation Filipino-Americans hold a collective consciousness of the Philippines as a means to find one’s identity the United States. Similarly, Halina is struggling to find belonging in the the United States, so she travels to the Philippines to meet with her family. She claims a sense of belonging to her mother’s homeland and promptly returns to the US. Her movement from US to the Philippines and back again allows her to recognize and accept her biraciality and the rift it causes in her belonging.

Wood, Michelle Gaffner. “Negotiating the Geography of Mother-Daughter Relationships in Amy Tan’s The Joy Luck Club.” A Journal of Contemporary Thought, Midwest Quarterly, 2012,  pp. 82-96.

Wood recognizes the importance of the physical landscape when understanding cultural myths. She also posits that the understanding of cultural myths passed down from mother to daughter is essential to relating to one another. Geography allows daughters to visualize their mothers’ homeland and better grasp cultural myths, or the stories that have so strongly shaped their mothers’ identity. Although Halina was never close to her mother’s cultural heritage before she passed away, Halina’s biraciality creates a rift in her racial identity. She cannot relate to the cultural myths of the Philippines because she has never lived in its sociocultural environment, and more importantly, the physical landscape that shapes it. By traveling to the Philippines herself, Halina is able to reconcile the rift her biraciality causes. She can feel at home in the United States and the Philippines because she can understand the cultural myths of both locations.

[kfteasers-blog]

Stefan Pruessmann.

“From Asian people: “Oh you’re white passing.” From white people: “Oh you’re Asian.” 

How do you identify ethnically?

German-Filipino, I identify ethnically as German Filipino in that order. You’re better than those “lazy Americans.” (because you’re German-Filipino mother way of saying Disassociates Americanness)

How do you feel like you belong to each ethnic identity?

I feel like I belong to my german side due to my citizenship, blood, and personality. I personally feel closer to my father who is German, a quintessential German laser-focused hard worker, and quiet.

For Filipino, I was raised quite Filipino in my upbringing, my church had a Filipino community and I had tagalog classes. Additionally, most of my social activities revolved around the Filipino community, we would have normal gatherings with food, however, now I do not feel as connected to my Filipino identity because I’m here in college.

How did your relationships with your parents affect your perception of your own identity?

For my Dad - since relate to personality more, I feel more German. This started my freshman year of high school began to feel more German. There was a swing from identifying with my Filipino identity towards my German identity as a result of spending less time with the Filipino community. Eventually the German identity “filled the void.”

When I was younger I felt closer to my mom, who is Filipina. This was because I did and went to more Filipino activities when I was younger.

How’s your relationship with your mom?

There were moments of tension, on the phone I can’t talk to her for more than 10 minutes at a time, and she would often blame my bad behavior on my dad. Somehow people in the family always get roped into problems.

Was there one side of your heritage that you feel you identified with more as a child? Do you feel like you belong to one identity over the other now?

Filipino because spent more time with the community, even that was complicated by the biracial nature, not quite at ease. Even the other biracial kids appeared to fit in more and that was further complicated by the biracial nature.

Why did it complicate your sense of identity?

I never felt at full ease with the full Filipino kids. I identify more with my German identity now, because I feel closer to my dad, who is the quintessential German, and because I haven’t been spending time with the Filipino community. My Filipino family was always scattered around the US.

How has travel influenced your feeling of belonging to your identity?

Only been to the Philippines once, summer before kindergarten. It has not affected my identity much. What I do remember from that trip though were the rusty playgrounds, cockfights, and overall not that good of a time when traveled because it was the rainy season.

I have been to Germany more than 5 times, and two of those times I’ve spent a month there in Hamburg. When I went to Germany I thought I would feel more German, but instead it was just a reminder of how American I am.

*Explain scene in Food where Beth and Sang meet for the first time* Have there been any instances in your life in which parts of your identity do not align/clash with each other?

In the early stages of taking after my dad, I disassociated with the Filipino community. For North Germans, talking a lot and big gatherings are not traditional.

My mom has always been very strict about religion and my dad converted (to Catholicism).  My dad is a very moderating presence, I feel like I inherited that from my father.

One instance where my identity came into conflict with another was in a previous relationship, where she practiced her religion kind of loosely. Conflict over hypothetical kids what religion to raise them in. In Stefans case let them pick.

I  inherited my non-religious identity from my Dad (Lutheran). He was not very serious,  and I averted whatever my mom strongly believed in.

Reflect on this quote from The Night Counter (“Like I was saying, I look at myself in the mirror a lot. I see sickly and pimply, but I don’t see Arab, or Chinese, or Black. I do see someone who could definitely pass for Latino but not a hot one like Shakira or Jennifer Lopez...I used to think I would look weird ice fishing, but once someone thought I was eskimo, so I guess I could go ice fishing one day if Brenda would want to do anything fun.”)

How do other people’s perception of your identity affect your perception of your own identity?

I don’t know if it sways me in a certain way.  From Asian people: “Oh you’re white passing.” From white people: “Oh you’re Asian.”

How has FASA affected your perception of your own identity?

Shows how much more Filipino other people are compared to me. Hurt/showed a truth that they’re way more Filipino than me but at the same time exposes me to the culture.

What measures would you take to address the part of your identity that you know less about (if you want to)?

Know less about the Filipino side, emphasis is always you’re Filipino and German and not American. Joining FASA is the step I took towards rediscovering my Filipino identity and I take German classes right now.

How has your identity evolved since coming to college?

The American feeling increased due to absence of parents, my time in Germany has reduced how German I felt. FASA has increased my feeling of being Filipino, so 33% all around of American, Filipino, and German.

Reflection

Donnella, Leah. “‘Racial Impostor Syndrome:’ Here Are Your Stories.” NPR, NPR, 17 Jan. 2018.

In the Racial Impostor Syndrome article the author Leah Donnella, talks about the feeling biracial or multiracial people have when they do not feel adequately part of the culture they may be experiencing at a specific moment in time.  Similarly, in listening to Stefan speak of his interview, I would not say that he feels like a racial impostor, but to a degree, he does feel out of place.  I believe, this feeling is further amplified due to the fact that both parents as immigrants, one German and one Filipino -- of two different cultures.  On top of that, the United States has a culture of its own, creating a third identity in which to grapple and incorporate with.  To reiterate what was said during the interview, Stefan felt out of place when visiting Germany because it reminded him of how American he was, and on the other hand, he does not feel close enough to Filipino culture.  He cited that he felt out of place during Filipino gatherings in his youth.  As NPR mentions in their podcast, talking about racial identity can be difficult especially according to American’s traditional understanding of race, however, as we being to open up about our experiences, we are able to learn more about each other holistically. 

[kfteasers-blog]

Maggie Chu.

“It’s always weird seeing my Asian side interact with my white side. Even when talking with my white side of the family about issues and being Asian American, they just sometimes won’t understand. I know they don’t mean anything by not understanding, but they just don’t get it sometimes.”

How do you identify ethnically?

Ethnically, Chinese American, but more broadly I am Asian American. The reason I stress the idea that I’m American is because one, I’m half but mainly because there’s this idea that being Asian and being American are mutually exclusive. I don’t feel like I’m super Asian all the time, so adding American on for that hyphenated identity makes the most sense.

How do you feel like you belong to each ethnic identity? How did your relationships with your parents affect your perception of your own identity? 

When I was in high school or back home before college, I used to identify with my mom a lot more just because my gender was expressed a lot easier. So I always knew I was a woman and I’m a feminist, but being older, that’s when I really started identifying as Asian or as Chinese and start to sympathize with my dad’s side a lot more in terms of getting along. It’s always been fluid. I’ve always b Since you become conscious as a kid, I knew that I was Asian, I knew that I was different, but I didn’t really know much about being Asian outside of being “different” from the other kids.

Was there one side of your heritage that you feel you identified with more as a child? Do you feel like you belong to one identity over the other now?

That’s a tricky question. Growing up I grew up in the South in a primarily white town where most of the family that was present was white, not to say that my family was conservative--they’re actually pretty liberal. But I found a lot more comfort being in a white space because I always felt sort of an outsider with my Asian family. I still feel like that, but now I think it’s better now that I’ve grown up and can understand where my Asian family is coming from and I can have more interaction with them by calling or online. There’s more of a presence than there used to be.

How has movement influenced your feeling of belonging to your identity?

Moving to college, even though W&M is a PWI, there’s so many more Asian Americans than there were back home. Even my white friend from home who also came to W&M always had a comment that there’s so many Asians here--as a joke but also an observation. So coming to college I was able to find other Asian Americans, join cultural organizations, and find a department that really meshed with my ideas.

Recount the scene in Food where Beth and Sang meet for the first time. Have there been any other instances in your life in which parts of your identity do not align/clash with each other?

Yeah, I think that has happened before. It’s always weird seeing my Asian side interact with my white side. Even when talking with my white side of the family about issues and being Asian American, they just sometimes won’t understand. I know they don’t mean anything by not understanding, but they just don’t get it sometimes. That’s also like talking to my dad about being a woman, he just won’t get it, right? So I think that having those identities clash like that is also just makes me realize and perpetuates the idea that being half isn’t always having two parts of a culture, but being part of a place that you don’t really fit in, like an in-between state.

“Like I was saying, I look at myself in the mirror a lot. I see sickly and pimply, but I don’t see Arab, or Chinese, or Black. I do see someone who could definitely pass for Latino but not a hot one like Shakira or Jennifer Lopez...I used to think I would look weird ice fishing, but once someone thought I was eskimo, so I guess I could go ice fishing one day if Brenda would want to do anything fun.” (The Night Counter, page 219)

How do other people’s perception of your identity affect your perception of your own identity?

How people perceive me is important to me. I typically look a little more Asian than my sisters and it was always pointed out to me, so I always felt the need to own up to an Asian role. But people can still tell; most Asian American people can tell that I’m half or that I’m not fully Asian. So because people see me a certain way I try to make up for it in other ways and I try to compensate for how people perceive what I should be.

What measures would you take to address the part of your identity that you know less about (if you want to)?

I think one barrier that’s always been pretty bad for me is language. Growing up, even though my dad would try to teach me Chinese, it just never really worked because even back then he didn’t have anyone to speak to because his family had moved away. So I regret that and I’m kind of trying to make up for it. But it’s like a thing where even just not being able to understand what your aunts and uncles are talking about sucks a bit.

How has your identity evolved since coming to college?

It’s evolved a lot and even throughout college, like I understand the difference between what I present myself as whether it’s Chinese, Chinese American, Asian American. I feel like these nuances matter. And I used to always add a “but” to everything, saying “but Im only half.” I feel like I used to use that to point out my flaws before someone goes to address it. But someone, who was also half, told me this as a freshman: “I just say that I’m Chinese and if they want something else I’m not gonna give it to them because that’s what I am.” I still don’t know how I feel about that because being mixed race is also an identity that does differ from just growing up in an Asian American household. I think my identity has evolved and is still evolving as I continue to figure out myself.

Reflection:

Jones, Maggie. “Why a Generation of Adoptees Is Returning to South Korea.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 14 Jan. 2015.

What stood out to me the most about Maggie’s interview is her emphasis on how her attitude towards her biracial identity has changed because of her surroundings. After moving to college after living her whole life in Luray, Virginia, which she describes as a predominantly white community, she jumped at the opportunity to explore her Asian American side more. She joined cultural organizations on campus and took Asian American studies classes, and as a result, learned more about the side of her ethnic identity that she always felt disconnected to. However, despite her change of environment, Maggie expressed that she still feels torn between two worlds when she goes home, where the distinction between her Chinese side and her white side becomes most prominent. For Maggie, the fluidity of her identity hinged on her movement across the communities that she interacted with. By choosing to surround herself with more Asian Americans, she was able to find a space that allowed her to explore her Asian identity. Similarly, several Korean adoptees expressed the same desire for the agency to explore their Korean side in the article “Why a Generation of Adoptees Is Returning to South Korea” by Maggie Jones. While these adoptees are not biracial, they have the similar experience of having parents who do not share exactly the same ethnic identity as them. This triggers a lifelong drift between the Korean adoptees and their white parents because they feel struggles that their parents cannot understand because “there are all these other things that [they] haven’t experienced as a white person” (Jones). It was important for these Korean adoptees to have the freedom to explore their Asian identity just as it was also important for Maggie to have the opportunities that she had at college to be more involved in the Asian American community. For Maggie and the Korean adoptees from the article, their identities relied on their social environments and how they moved across the people they interacted with. In turn, this movement continuously influences themselves and how they move forward with their identities.

[kfteasers-blog]

Alex Reyes.

“Only recently and until I went to Ireland was the first time when people wanted to look like me. Now people are like ‘Wow I wish I was as tan as you’ and I’m like what? I’ve spent my entire life wanting to look like you.”

How do you identify ethnically?

I’m half filipino and half-white.

How do you feel like you belong to each ethnic identity? More specifically, how did your relationships with your parents affect your perception of your own identity?

My parents are divorced, and so I was never fully immersed in either culture. My dad is filipino so I wasn’t exposed to filipino culture as much. I was detached from my mom’s side because I don’t look white, and I was always stuck in an in-between situation. My parents remarried and my dad married a Filipina while my mom married a white man. My parents never treated me differently, though. My dad isn’t in tune with filipino culture since he moved to the U.S. from the Philippines when he was 10 years old. My filipino family is mainly in the Philippines. I always knew I’m filipino because I look it but act more white. Joining FASA has helped me become in touch with my filipino side, but my mom says that I’m not proud of my Irish side. I grew up in a white area and was teased as a kid. I’m from Philly. I think I celebrate my filipino-ness because that part of me has faced more adversity.

Was there one side of your heritage that you feel you identified with more as a child? Do you feel like you belong to one identity over the other now?

I don’t identify with one side more than the other. I tried to find a balance and at times I didn’t feel like either because I was both or in-between both identities. I now feel at peace because I may not fit in with either but I do feel apart of both sides.  Ethnicity shouldn’t matter—percentage-wise—but I am myself. I can identify with both, and I can be proud of both. I grew up feeling that pale skin was more attractive. I definitely felt out of place there. Only recently and until I went to Ireland was the first time when people wanted to look like me. Now people are like “Wow I wish I was as tan as you” and I’m like what? I’ve spent my entire life wanting to look like you.

How has movement influenced your feeling of belonging to your identity?

I went to the Philippines this summer (I went to Bacolod, my stepmom grew up here [in the States]; but dad grew up in Manila) I can’t understand or speak tagalog; my older sister can’t speak but understand; my sister is fully filipino. I felt out of place in the Philippines because of language differences. It was really cool to see where my dad grew up. Being with my white side brings out my filipino side but my filipino side feels American so it doesn’t bring out my white side. My mom is a mix of Scottish, Irish and a bit of Norwegian. I have been to Ireland 4 or 5 times and I’ve felt out of place there because everyone is white. When I went to Ireland it was the first time that people wanted to look like me.

Recount the scene in Food where Beth and Sang meet for the first time. Have there been any other instances in your life in which parts of your identity do not align/clash with each other?

I haven’t experienced too much of my identities clashing. My dad’s side isn’t strict on traditional things. There is a disconnect with myself coming to terms with my own identity though. I have had a harder time knowing what to do with my extended family who is more strict with the customs. Like I didn’t kiss my aunt after she gave me a gift. Instead, I just said thank you. Physical touch is a part of filipino culture but it makes me sort of uncomfortable kissing strangers because they are my extended family.  

Reflect on this passage from The Night Counter (“Like I was saying, I look at myself in the mirror a lot. I see sickly and pimply, but I don’t see Arab, or Chinese, or Black. I do see someone who could definitely pass for Latino but not a hot one like Shakira or Jennifer Lopez…I used to think I would look weird ice fishing, but once someone thought I was eskimo, so I guess I could go ice fishing one day if Brenda would want to do anything fun.”) How do other people’s perception of your identity affect your own perception of your identity?

I’m often the only non-white person in most of my classes. I mean I knew at times people viewed me differently because I’m not 100% white, and not in a negative way but there’s still a difference. I wanted to look 100% white because that’s how everyone around me looked and I wanted to fit in more. Growing up in a white area, you don’t see much representation of people of color.  I used to want to be white but now I don’t. I’m happy how I am. White isn’t necessarily considered better, but it kind of is when you see how everyone is around you.

What measures would you take to address the part of your identity that you know less about (if you want to)?

I know less about my filipino side. I can’t have a grasp on what it means to be white, it is just kind of how it is. I wanted to look at my filipino-ness more because of adversity. Joining FASA helped a lot. Everyone’s a real family and it’s nice to see more filipino people and people of color be confident and proud of who they are. That helps me. I am filipino and recently want to learn more and speak tagalog. It’s a part of me and it’s always going to be a part of me. I hope to educate myself more.

How has your identity evolved since coming to college?

My mom is upset that she has only taken pride in filipino heritage. I probably should dedicate a bit of time to the other side. I hope to become more educated on things like tinikling and learn a few words. You know how people kiss the hands of their elders? Like I just learned that! My outlook on identity had changed majorly my senior year of high school and it hasn’t been a huge transformation in college...but I have had a better sense of pride in who I am. It is important to be proud of my filipino side because it’s what has distinguished me as different when growing up. It’s so important to see different diversity groups on campus and those people being celebrated. I definitely have a lot more work to do...to [celebrate] that 100% me and find out who I am. I have gotten to the point of being proud of who I am.

Post-Interview.

So after talking about everything… what do you think it means to belong?

I think on a daily basis, [if you belong] it means you are seen for who you are. I’m thinking of my friends and family who accept me as myself. Belonging means feeling at peace. It’s hard to describe what belonging is, but it’s easy to feel when you don’t belong—you are on the outside of things.  Belonging is like a soft feeling. Exploring heritage means learning about the history of ancestors—where they came from and what they went through. Belonging means how people perceive me, which affects how I feel. But sense of belonging is more of an internal thing—being at peace with who you are—accepting and being proud of that. [Belonging is] Definitely an internal thing but people’s perceptions have a broad impact. Being proud of who I am is being proud of who my ancestors were, or are. I really want to know about my relatives’ lives before and after emigrating.

Reflection

Wilton, Leigh, Diana Sanchez, and Julie Garcia. “The Stigma of Privilege: Racial Identity and Stigma Consciousness among Biracial Individuals.” Race and Social Problems, vol. 5, no. 1, 2013, pp. 41-56. ProQuest.

According to authors Wilton, Sanchez, and Garcia, their article “The Stigma of Privilege” discusses why people identify with one side over the other depending on their context. Similarly, Alex believes she associated with her white side more when she was younger because she lived in a predominantly white neighborhood in Philly and most of her classmates were white. Alex felt pressure not to claim her confidence as a filipina because kids in school would make condescending comments about her biraciality. Although these comments were not a directly perceived threat, they imply some sort of prejudice and a claim that she would not fit in with her immediate community. Taking on this label of the “other” made it easier to disregard her filipino side and conform by strongly identifying with her white side. Furthermore, Alex’s visit to Ireland reaffirmed her discomfort with the reality that white people saw her different from the majority. However, in college, because she has encountered more diversity, or representation of people of color, she identifies more with her filipino side. She has found inspiration to embrace her filipino side as she surrounds herself with many people who identify as being a part of a minority group. In college she joined FASA (Filipino American Student Association) so she can further explore her filipino side and wants to continue learning about her ancestors and their stories. Alex’s movement to different locations has had a major impact on how she identifies, and her experiences support how a person’s sense of belonging is fluid (is always subject to change).

Sometimes it takes something as simple as a compliment or support from a group of people to help a person embrace different parts of their identity. Ultimately, it is important to recognize the positive effects of solidarity among a group of people who identify similarly.