kiedreamer

[kiedreamer]

I'm Back!!

Things are different now. Things are still hard, but they are different. With God, I know these things are bearable. And in Acads, I'm a whole lot better.

I'm writing now because I want to remind myself that no matter what you feel and how uncomfortable you are right now, do the things you must do. DO IT. Do it sleepy. Do it scared. Do it in pain. Do it in heat. Do it unprepared. Just do it. I know you'll figure things out along the way.

Study and give yourself high value. You won't regret it- your future self will thank you.

[kiedreamer]

we all have struggles. Self, why are you even ashamed to share it. Lmao.

[kiedreamer]

I know I can do better in different aspect of lifeee!!!!!!! ^_^ Be a better student, a better daughter and just be a better person. I work for myself for myself and I’ll be thankful for myself for doing this. 

[kiedreamer]

You don’t know how I hate and scared at september

"September days have the warmth of summer in their briefer hours, but in their lengthening evenings a prophetic breath of autumn."

Rowland E. Robinson

[kiedreamer]

que sera sera

I cant do anything productive right now. Ang lungkot ng ambiance ng bahay since kakaalis ng kapatid ko para mag dorm sa Los Banos. Then here I am,,, It’s sad and i just want to sleep pero hindi naman non mawawala lahat ng dapat kong gawin and it will just make it worst.

Anyways, it’s a temporary feeling and it won’t last. I just have to face my responsibilities then everything will be alright.

This time i’m aiming for some things in life (both academic and personal) I was not the person who I used to be. I outgrow myself and that’s a good start. Especially when I become a Dean’s List! Imagine I used to be the girl who always fail, trying hard, at mababa ang self esteem. That’s the first time I almost cried dahil sa saya.

Idk but somehow writing this inspire me na ngayon to do my task na hindi ko magawa kanina pa. 🫶🏻 Grabe, writing heals me talaga.

[kiedreamer]

I want to die. If i have the choice whether I’ll exist or not, I’ll choose not to. Lord, i I don’t want to sins againts you. I don’t want the pain. Can you take me already? So that i will not do things against your will or I can’t hurt you anymore. Lord, I’m sscared. My hands were trembling. I want to die. Take me, Lord. Take me. 

[kiedreamer]

There still love.

A love that will last. 

[kiedreamer]

I’m proud I finally learhed how to let go and forgive myself. I realized what kept me from moving forward was the feeling of guilt that is why I wasn’t able to forgive myself. And now, I’m free. Hindi na ako natakbo. I faced those guilt and I hope that person also forgave me.  I don’t want to be hold back for what happened. I even prayed to God na to help treat this person (next asfter him) right because I know I messed up before. I want to be better not just for myself but for the person I will always love.  I’m far from being a whole package (katulad nung sinabi nung friend ko) and perfect partner because at somepoint I’m still learning. nevertheless, I want to give him the love that this man deserve.  J

Lovelife 🦋

I’m okay if hindi ko iisipin yung nangyari before, but suddenly someone asked me about their lovelife and before ako magsabi I aslways put myself in their situation. With the thought of someone, the walls i built these past few months broke, I started wandering and asking what ifs. Hindi ko alam if fully healed na ba ako or i’m just running away sa nagawa ko. But then, I gues i’m both, I accepted everything yet there’s a hint of regrets at some point.

Habang lumalayo ako- palayo ng palyo sa mga oras na yon, I can see those things on a bigger picture. Like playing chess, hindi na ako yung chess piece, ako na yung player and I can now see all the wrongdoings I did asn those what ifs. “Ahh, sana pala mas pinaramdam ko sincerity ko kaysa lumayo.” “Ah, sana pala sinunod ko siya.” “Ahh, sana pala hindi ako nahiya sa ibang tao.” “Ahhh- nakakabaliw.

Regrets played a big role sa phase ng life ko na ‘yon. And today I’m learning how to live my life to the fullest para hidni na issue sa akin yung regrets soon. Like, if i would like someone sasabihin ko agad (kaso wala) or di kaya mag aral na para soon hindi ako mag procrastinate 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Kanina lang sinabi ko kay Lord na, “Wag na jowa kahit secure na future lang. Like stable life and job, healthy social life, Passive income, matuto na ako ng self discipline, maging honor student and dean lister sa college, to be happy and magkaroon ng fulfillment.” Then lahat yon nawala dahil sa isang luha na kumwala sa mata ko nung naisip ko yon.

Anyways life’s goes on... whether i healed or not, may feelings or wala, I choose to be single and will achieve everything. It doesn’t mean I still want him. ewan ko, hindi ko mafeel. Sometimes I want it, I missed the affection and all but most of the times I choose ny career and my wholebeing.

Inisip ko if may maganda na akong career and life susunod na yung bagay na yon. For now having a boyfriend, for me, doesn’t make sense.

p.s the truth is at some point nasasaktan pa rin ako with a thought of him. PAKIRAMDMA KO MINSNA WALA AKONG RIGHTS MASAKTAN KASI KASALANAN KO. CHEATER NGA SABI NILA pero i’m hurt, honestl. And Still concern, yes, pero walang may gustong mahurt pa ng dahil don so all the feelings were better be forgotten for the both of us. And if may feelings pa ako, it’s better left untold, hanggang sa susunod.

[kiedreamer]

I’m still hurt whenever I look at your picture but at the same time it’s still full of admiration. :) dargoj

[kiedreamer]

wow lyf is good

[ WARNING: grammatical errors ahead] i finished my quiz and activity for finals this semester for my Programming class and broke down after. I’m satisfied with my work and score (2 mistakes) and I know that I did my best. 

It just that... I’m tired. Everything is just a routine. I have to wake up to finish my stuffs and do my responsibilities as student and as anak (household chores)- I found it hard; to do time management without burning myself out. I want to cook for my family but I’m tiredddddddd. Too tired to do things.  I don’t want to stay on where I am right now. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t know how to be happy. I mean I can laugh, smile and be happy for a moment. But that happiness don't last long. Before, I’m satisfied with myself. I mean i can stay all night feeling myself; being in love with being alive...

Right now, I don’t even want to exist. The only thing that I can say for the nth time is,  “God, I’m tired.”  _____

I always say that, ‘being single is okay as long as you know how to be happy on your own’ lol. I crave for emotional support. It feels great to know that someone out there is for you no matter what happen. To loveee and feel love. I cant do that because im hurt. im scared to love others because im too scared to hurt them.  nways, feeling ko in every aspect of my life is a failure. there is nothing good. Nothing special. It just me existing... breathing... feeling empty. All I have is myself.  I want to find myself- my home. 

[kiedreamer]

 been cruel for me for a year. #2021 

Life has been so cruel to me these past few months. And I seriously couldn’t take it anymoreeeee. Bye, world. 

[kiedreamer]

LORD TAKE MEE

[kiedreamer]

I CAAAAN DO THIS. 

[kiedreamer]

HIndi ko magawang maging comfortable sa sarili ko kasi ang dami ko pang kailngan tapusin. Nappressure ako. Ito yung phase ng life ko na wala akong peace of mind. Gosh...  But with the help of God, I guess, medyo nabiyayaan ako ng feeling na pagiging chill kahit papaano and faith pero GHOOOORLLLLLLL I NEED TO WORK EXTRAAAAAAAA FOR EVERYTHING. Lord, love kita. Huhu pero... Tulong.  

[kiedreamer]

I just want to live my life simple with God as center of my life and have kids to raise. To feel love and give love. To enjoy the cup of coffee every morning. To travel the world with my love ones.  To pursue my passion. To write in my journal and die peacefully. 

I keep on romanticizing life in spite of having the pressure in right now. I am on peace even though sometimes I am afraid. I experienced having anxiety. I was afraid on what the future holds for me. I am afraid to fail. But, it makes me emotional when God always reminds me through his words in bible and my devotion app, that  I should have faith to trust in him.  This is a weird feeling. I feel like God has a plan for me that is great but I can’t afford it right now because I am not the person who can achieve that dream. I feel like I have to go on trial in creating and molding myself into a person. Meaning I HAVE TO SUFFER. I have to endure. (Ang OA pero gosh the fact that I know he had the plan for me makes me feel happy.) I realized how selfish I was before. And now, I am practicing to forgive, give without expectations, to love, to not be greedy, and to understand other people. I’m so happy.  I want to be pure. Thats the only way where I canm feel the true happiness without regrets and anything. Para at the end of the day I could say, “I lived well.” 

[kiedreamer]

I’m scared sa college applications, actually doon lang talaga ako natatakot. it’s been months yet undecided pa rin ako and tho alam ko yung gusto ko pero hindi siya practical. Gosh, Lord, please guide me. Huhu. 

[kiedreamer]

Wala na akong nararamdaman kung hindi takot.