kpie77

[kpie77]

I find myself thinking about you so often, still. Most of it just about what you're up to and filling the gaps of the things you've done. I was such a catch when I met you. I was pretty and well kept for the most part. I should've stayed a number for you. You're a fucking thing not my Cosita. Your memory, I'll hold dear. The one THAT I MADE UP. Not you. My figment. The most beautiful thing about you was my machinations. I don't care if you think of me anymore. Really. You'll be fine no matter what because you really don't even have to work for anything. In another life, we never shared the same space. I hope you're safe. If you experience happiness or gratitude or humility the way I do, there is a god, undeniably. Merciful indeed.

[kpie77]

You know malice well. You know where to hit and what to say. What to do and how to do it. I'm severely traumatized and depressed. Not to say I didnt treat you terribly. Youre just so keen. You don't wonder if I think of you cause you made sure. And you don't give too much, you always knew to leave just enough room for doubt that I'd drive myself crazy. Voicemails. Planning. Socials and anonymity. How to draw me back when id get distant. Your timing, your tone, your body language, you're social, sexual, and psychological cunning. Down to the last detail.

And I understand that you knew the grip you had. To such an extent that I could catch you in the act but if it meant that you closed your eyes, that was enough room for doubt. You could admit what you did to me and just take it back on the basis that you were hurt and wanted to be petty. You knew how badly I wanted to believe it and that you could get away with anything if just a sliver of wiggle room was present.

Really, we both know, my love. Nobody calls and leaves a voicemail when they're sleeping. Nobody panics the way you did. Tired from work but always available to go out for a drink after work w your friends. Condom wrappers everywhere, PUPPY PADS, empty drinks in the master bedroom. A hole in the middle of a sheet? And you don't want to lay in the king bed despite us having 4 dogs? Trying to convince me to swing with you. Reddit posts n pictures that suddenly disappear. Videos on PH as if I don't know your body. Your response when I asked you ab it? Coming back with torn fishnets at dusk. Flowers from randies. The things your friends told me. I know. We know. And that's not even half of it. You laughed at me. They laughed at me. You ate.

"Your singing makes me cringe."

"He's the one I think of when I think of loves past, not you."

"You sound like a broken record."

"Everyone serves a purpose in your life."

"I'm going to fuck someone the moment you leave."

"Every one of them, bigger, stronger, more successful."

"You've never done anything for me."

"Your gifts are so shitty."

"You've never met me, I give you the worst version of myself."

"You're a worthless piece of shit, you deserved all of that and more."

"Sometimes I wish you were dead but then you wouldn't suffer."

🤏🏼

Two sides of a coin. Just as well, if any of these arise, I'll think of the slaughter house. How no matter how anxious and overwhelmed I was, id always revisit the way you took care of me. I'd live forever in a sense of doom if it meant you took care of me the way you did. I'll hear your laugh forever. And I'll remember when once you showed me passion.

[kpie77]

At the end of the day I guess the only difference between us is that I choose to hurt myself instead of others. I can't shake you I can't find my peace. I think I'm too far gone. And you're having the time of your life. I ask God why he'd let you do these absolute atrocities and still let you thrive as you are. I'm sorry I stifled you. I'm sorry I don't know how to give what I can't give myself. I'm sorry I ever crossed paths with you. Even if you never get consequences, I hope you one day are forced to think of me.

I miss you. And even if we were face to face I know I could never have you. I wouldn't know what to say. I think I'd just die. I wish all the time that I was just born perfect so maybe then you could love me. Maybe you could fathom being satisfied by me. Being happy with me. That I was taller and made you feel small. Or that I could buy you anything. Or that our sex was undeniably the best youve had.

Have fun with your group sex. Your festivals and one night stands. Your life as a whole. And if this is the last thing you hear from me, that anybody does, just know that I never meant to hurt you. I never went out of my way to make you feel any negativity. I'll never be able to the unhear the voicemails. Or the threads. Or that you cringe when I sing.

If ever I could even meet the standard. If ever I could've been good not even great, you made sure I can't. You got what you wanted. I can never love someone when my first thought is comparing them to you. And honestly a majority of people put me to shame.

There's nothing here and yet I'm dying. Please turn back time. Please undo those things. Please regret. Please mean the love you gave me.

Paris. Cosita. Binky. Baby. I love you.

Have fun at Baja.

[kpie77]

I fucked up I fucked up and I looked

You look so good. You're having the time of your life. I spent so much time trying to convince you to love me that I'm still trying to figure out how to build a life without you in it. You didn't skip a beat. You're getting railed. You swing. You go on trips and have a Rolodex of options.

I'm fine and then suddenly you're all I know and need. And I go over the details and cross check and realize what you've done to me. And I'll never know the end of it. Still dreaming.

I'm not doing any better. I don't love myself any more. I'm in no better position. And you still wouldn't care if I died.

You look so good. You look so fucking good.

I hope they enjoy you and I hope you're happy. Even if I had you here in front of me I couldn't speak to you. Cosita I'm dying and I see no end. When I'm gone or when I'm better please don't pretend you cared about me.

Baby, my body. My head. My heart. My soul.

You'd love to see me like this. You'd love to know I'm down. I feel nothing. I feel everything.

Cosita my binky my love and my life. There's no more jellybean. He's dead. He's gone. You won. Im finally nothing. The only thing for anyone to gain is your satisfaction. At least you can smile in knowing you finally fucking killed me.

Bye baby I love you still. Bye. Bye. Bye.