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kristinchieko · 7 years ago

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Happy 2-and-a-Half Years

April 7, 2018

Dear Karis,

I was actually shooting to get this post up by March 26th, your 2 1/2 birthday, but it didn’t happen.

What I wanted to share was this video I made when you turned 2!

Also here, if that link doesn’t work by the time you see this. Sorry it took so long to finish, I’m not too tech-saavy but wanted to do a lot of tech saavy things in it.

I also made this video back in October of Daddy’s surf contest (you’re really the star of it). (Also posted here.)

So much has happened since I last wrote... where do I begin?

You are sweet and smart, nurturing, funny, musical, tender-hearted, artistic, strong-willed.

You love to sing. You know the lyrics to songs that Mommy and Daddy can’t even pick up.

You have an amazing memory. You’ll ask for things and I’ll put it off, hoping you’ll forget... but you don’t.

Sometimes it seems like you can read. Like, you’ve pointed to words on a page and said, “Mama” and it actually says Mama. Or “No” and it says no.

Your first movie at the theater was “The Greatest Showman.” We took you a few months ago -- you got all dressed up in a hot pink, tulle dress, and you were so good, watching so intently... but the movie Mommy picked was at 12:00 -- prime nap time. You fought hard -- made it through up till Jenny Lindt’s(sp?) song, “Never Enough,” and then you were fast asleep in my arms.

Grandma got you a teepee recently. The first thing you did was go inside and sing softly to yourself, “God is so good, God is so good, God is so good to me.”

You’re starting to understand more about Jesus. Around Easter, we read you the Berenstain Bears Easter Story. Since then, you’ll re-tell parts of it here and there:

“Jesus died?”

“They were mean to Jesus.”

“Jesus was in a tomb.”

“Jesus rose from the dead!”

“Jesus was a bear?”

(You’ve gotten most of the story right.)

When someone’s hurting, you want to help them. (”Does he need lotion? Does he need Aquaphor? He needs his mommy.”) I love how in your world right now, most problems can be solved with some moisturizer or Mommy.

You love Disneyland and the Disney Store. I love that you’re happy just going into the store -- you don’t even ask for us to buy you anything.

You love sweets! And don’t like vegetables. Pretty much the only things you’ll eat right now, other than sweets, are eggs, cheese, apples with peanut butter, strawberries depending on the texture, frozen mangos, oatmeal with honey and cinnamon, bananas, mandarin oranges (sometimes), rice, yogurt cereal (Special K Probiotic cereal)... and I think that’s it.

Your favorite drinks are Kefir (you correct me if i pronounce it wrong... and honestly I can’t even write out how to say it because I can’t remember which is the right way), and coconut water. You’ll also still drink milk and juice, but not as readily. You’re starting to catch on that we water down your juice big time... you said recently, “I don’t want juice water.” =/

When Mommy and Daddy or anyone else around you seems to be arguing, you say, “Stop fighting!” and you’ll go hug the leg of the person who seems to be the underdog. Usually Daddy.

When we’re stressed (like in the car), you say, “Calm down, Mama. It’s okay.” You say it in a very calm tone. Works wonders.

You’re an amazing climber. You’re climbing all the big-kid things on the playground, it’s crazy.

You’re bold. We’ll be sitting in the back at church, and you’ll say, “Mama I wanna dance.” And I’ll say, “Okay,” and I’ll pick you up and you’ll lead me right up to the front center. And then you spin around with your arms out... it’s so sweet. You make me brave.

You can recite the “Love You Forever” song and parts of “Goodnight Moon.”

You were looking at my Spanish Bible the other day and you said, “Is this your Bible? In Spanish?” Not sure how you knew that... I read on my own but not really to you.

You like “Don Quijote” -- an English/Spanish reader.

Your favorite stuffed animals are Raja (white tiger from Charlie) and Little Bunny Foo Foo (yellow bunny from Uncle Kenny and Rosa). You also love blankets.

You love the piano! You pick it out when you hear it in the songs we play in the car, and when you see one you want to play it. Grandma Jo wants you to start taking lessons soon.

You can draw actual objects! You’ve drawn a surfboard, a heart, mountains... You have great control -- and you hold your pen the correct way, too! (I never taught you, you learned on your own.)

Some of my favorite pics since you’ve turned 2...

(”I drew a surfboard!” Also the day you went to see The Greatest Showman at the movie theater.)

Annual Easter photo shoot while waiting for our table at Panda Inn.

Slide @ Kidspace (you love both)

Halloween @ NLCC with Kyrie (you won 1st place in the costume contest!)

Just felt like being a ladybug.

You and Daddy joined Mommy on a work trip to SD!

NYE 2017...

Grandpa treated us all to Disneyland!

Just felt like being fancy.

Celebrating Auntie’s 30th Bday!

Our 2017 Christmas card (these pics are not in order.)

“Snow” with Cam (@Kidspace)

Beach day with Kyrie

Tea parties and making cookies with Mommy

Underwood Farms with Grandma, Mommy, Auntie Lo, and Cam (crossed an item off your bucket list -- you wanted to ride a bee like Thumbelina!)

What I’ve Been Learning...

If you feel like being fabulous, be fabulous. Even if it means wearing a fancy dress just to stay home. The worst thing that will happen is people will wonder why you’re so dressed up. But that doesn’t take away from your fabulousness.

If you want to dance at the front of the room, dance at the front of the room. The worst that will happen is people will stare. But you still got to dance at the front of the room.

No matter how much extra time and effort I put into something, there will still be people who will complain, who will think negatively about me, who will find ways I’ve fallen short. So if spending evenings with you or taking a day off to stay home and bake cookies with you leaves work unfinished, or people thinking I’m irresponsible, then fine! They would think that anyway. At least I got to hang out with you rather than my computer. (P.S. The world goes on without me, so when I miss work during a busy time, people are forced to make things happen without me!)

People love vulnerability and imperfection. Both have brought our Young Marrieds small group closer (Just went on an awesome Taking Back Vegas trip where 4 other couples came to support Mommy and Daddy in freeing our marriage from something awful that happened there over 3 years ago.) And get a lot of “likes” on Instagram.

Life is so wonderful with you in it!

Love you, sweet Karis.

Mommy

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kristinchieko · 8 years ago

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20 Month Post

Dear Karis,

Soon you will be 20 months old! (Even though this post is dated for June 4th, I actually composed it on May 20-something.)

I started to record your words back in March. Here are your first 100 words! (not exactly in this order)

1. ball

2. up

3. baba (bottle)

4. juice

5. blueberry

6. apple

7. cookie/Cookie (for Cookie Monster)

8. bubble

9. up above (star)

10. mama

11. dada

12. nene (sleep)

13. airplane

14. Elmo

15. bird/Bird (for Big Bird)

16. Oscar (the Grouch)

17. Abby (also from Sesame Street)

18. flower

19. rice

20. ka-boo (peek-a-boo)

21. panda

22. down

23. shoes

24. outside

25. owl

26. spoon

27. PB (peanut butter)

28. Uncle

29. Auntie

30. keys

31. bunny

32. Grandma

33. cake

34. heart

35. arm

36. zoo

37. car

38. phone

39. clock

40. Stitch

41. duck

42. bee

43. spin

44. milk

45. Aquaphor

46. knee

47. monkey

48. baby

49. please

50. hi/bye

51. fork

52. bow

53. cat

54. all done/all gone

55. dirty

56. bless you (after someone sneezes)

57. horse

58. mouth

59. eyes/eyeballs

60. nose

61. ears

62. Maggie

63. broccoli

64. house

65. money

66. hot

67. jacket

68. cereal/cheerios

69. egg

70. farm

71. wipes

72. elephant

73. hippo

74. turtle

75. buckle/unbuckle

76. button

77. comb

78. napkin

79. foot/feet

80. prune

81. block

82. yo-yo

83. bracelet

84. belly

85. bear

86. pig

87. socks

88. snack

89. fan

90. blanket

91. kiss

92. hug

93. car seat

94. high chair

95. cold

96. pink

97. blue

98. yellow

99. lion

100. shark

101. stairs

102. shake

103. fork

104. soap

105. cow

106. face

107. paw

108. bib

109. booger

110. bug

111. itchy

112. Pisses (Paris)

113. Kisses (Karis)

I recorded past your first 100 since some of these were names and some I haven’t heard for myself (others told me you said them), so I wasn’t sure if those should count.

You also know a lot of animal sounds: moo, quack quack, baa, ooh-ooh-ah-ah, neigh, rarrr! And you try to snort like a pig but it’s basically you just pushing air out of your nose.

And you’re starting to string words together! Dada work/Mama work/Grandma work. Grandma house. Baby cry. Where’s Elmo. It’s a money. It’s a fart. Dada fart. Grandma fart. (All the most important things, obviously.)

It’s amazing how quickly you’re learning! I was able to record your words in order maybe up to #14. And then all of a sudden you’re bringing me objects and telling me their names, or we’re walking by something and you stop and point and tell me what it is!

And you do the funniest, coolest things. You love giving people the fist to “pound it.” You change your dance moves according to the music (from swaying to stomping to head banging). You pick diapers up off the floor and throw them away (not that we leave a lot of diapers laying around... but if we don't throw it away immediately, you’re on it!) You like to turn around in your highchair at restaurants and sit it in backwards so you’re facing the tables beside us, and no one around you can eat because they’re all just oohing and aahing and giggling at you as you smile and make faces and wave. You yell “Bye yo!” (bye y’all?) at people if they walk away without paying attention. You’ve put your snack bag on over your shoulder and called “bye yo” to me as you walked toward the front door. You put your little Hello Kitty purse on when it’s time to go and bring our shoes to us (Mama shoes. Dada shoes.) Auntie Alyss said she saw you bow your head, make some soft muttering noises, then say, “Amen” before eating!

You’ve gotten very comfortable at Daycare now! Judy says you’re not a huge fan of sharing. Well, that’s not exactly true -- you like people sharing with you! I guess it just doesn’t seem like sharing when you’re the only one taking toys and food away from the other kids. I’m sure you’d be cool with it if they did the same to you, though. And who made Judy the boss of what sharing looks like anyway?

I think you’re pretty smart. Most of the time when you’re throwing a fit or getting whiny because you want something, I just say, “Say please,” and you’ll stop mid head-throw, tears streaming down your face, and say, “Please.” And then you’ll wait patiently while I get whatever it is you were asking for.

You’re also compassionate. You’ve given hugs and kisses when we’ve told you we were sick or hurting. And if we pretend-cry because you have something you won’t give us, you lower your head and look up at us with those big, round eyes of yours... and sometimes give in.

That’s another thing -- you’re pretty determined. Maybe strong-willed is more accurate? That’s nothing new, though -- they were saying that the day you were born. Our “fights” have mostly been over clothes and shoes so far. See these pictures?

These are just a few of the times when you’ve insisted on dressing/accessorizing your way. (I don’t know what it is with those orange pants and the Christmas light pants... you always want to wear them. And these blue Crocs Auntie Danes gave you that Kyrie grew out of. One thing they all have in common -- they don’t match anything!)

There was one time where you did okay, though:

(You chose the vest and when I told you it was time to go, you made sure to grab a bag that matched your outfit! It may just have been luck that day, though, sorry to say. You insisted on dragging that bag around for a while after that.)

Your new most-requested song is “ABC, ABC” -- when Elmo sings the alphabet with India Arie. Sometimes you’ll still ask for “Cece” (Cecilia and the Satellite). And Andrew McMahon’s other songs still seem to do the trick in keeping you calm at times... but your fave is definitely anything where Elmo’s high-pitched voice makes a cameo.

Here are some of our favorite pics of you from the past few months:

Easter at Panda Inn

Scooter ride with Kyrie (riding in cars with boys already!)

Petting a snake at Mason’s party... the only girl who wasn’t afraid!

Cabrillo Aquarium with Aunt B

Swimming!

Being your little fab self

Again with the Fab

And again.

Peek-a-boo! (this was a selfie)

A day at the Zoo!

“Surprise Face!”

BUBBLES!

Outsmarting your stroller in your lady bug dress (one of your favs).

And some of my favorite moments with you...

Our mornings together! Snuggling in bed, you sitting on the kitchen counter while I make breakfast, watching you feed yourself with a spoon (you always ask for a “poon” now and are getting really good at using it!), you sitting on the bathroom counter, brushing your teeth while I brush mine, then watching me get ready and trying to copy me with Q-tips and chapstick and eyeliner.

I love the soft way you look at me when we’re sharing a pillow, and when you voluntarily give me kisses and hugs! And how you make a little whimpering noise when I pick you up after being away, and you’re happy to see me.

And just today, you, Daddy, and I were all lying on the bed together, trying to get you to go to sleep -- you looked at Daddy like you were going to kiss him... then you pulled out your hand, squeezed his nose, and said, “beep beep!”

Well it’s getting past midnight now, so I should go to sleep. I love you, my sweet Karis. You bring so much joy everywhere you go!

Love,

Mom

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kristinchieko · 8 years ago

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First Birthday Photo Shoot

These were taken on your actual birthday! It was 101 degrees that day, your cake was melting, you didn’t get your usual afternoon nap... but you did great. :) Beautifully, actually, as you can see! (These pics were taken by my childhood friend, Daryl -- we met in Kindergarten! She shared a little post about you here: http://dag-photog.blogspot.com/2017/02/karis.html?spref=fb)

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kristinchieko · 8 years ago

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Your 1st Birthday

Dear Karis,

Happy one-and-a-half years! In honor of your 18-month birthday, I’m going to finally do your One Year Updates post. (You probably noticed that I got a little behind after your 11-month-old post!)

Let’s see... so much has happened since you turned one. We had a big ol’ party for you. You were in your first wedding. We went on a family trip to Prague. Then we went to Hawaii! Oh and you’re walking and talking now, running and spinning, making demands, making faces, making messes, making Mommy and Daddy and everyone else who loves you so proud of the little person you’re becoming!

There have been tough things, too. We had to say goodbye to Grandma Chieko, and you went to your first funeral. We took our first middle-of-the-night trip to the ER. And these aren’t too bad, but they’ve been a little tough -- we’re trying to wean you off the bottle and paci, and you started going to day care! (You’re finally drinking regularly out of sippy cups and straws now, as long as there’s something good in there, and you don’t really cry when I drop you off at day care anymore!)

Here are some pictures from your first birthday party. (We weren’t able to get pictures of you with everyone, but here are just a few to show you how beautiful everything was and all the people who were there!) It was on Saturday, September 24th. People came from all over to Grandma J’s house to celebrate you -- from Walnut, the Long Beach area, Riverside and Oceanside, to Washington, New York, and even Hawaii! I think we crammed over 80 people into her home and backyard. So many friends and family helped to make it a beautiful, yummy, special occasion. (It was professionally decorated, by the way... Uncle Alan, who did the flowers for Mommy and Daddy’s wedding and has worked as a Hollywood set designer, spent several days decorating the backyard for your party!)

Some activities we had at your party...

We love you, sweet Karis.

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kristinchieko · 8 years ago

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Grandma Chieko

Dear Karis,

Yesterday Grandma Chieko passed away. She was your great grandma. (She’s why you’re named Karis Chieko and why I’m Kristin Chieko!)

We were able to see her last Saturday, March 4th. She was sleeping peacefully. You kissed her and hugged her and said bye bye before we left. She wasn’t able to respond, but a good friend told me that when people grow old and start to get sick, the last thing to go is their hearing. So I’m sure she heard you. And probably felt you, too -- you were kind of climbing all over her. :)

I want to tell you a few things about Grandma Chieko, since you didn’t really get a chance to know her.

She used to babysit Auntie Alyss and me. I looked forward to the days when she picked me up for school, because I knew the afternoon would be filled with fun and FREEDOM. :) She’d pick us up in her fancy black Mazda with the smooth leather seats and the new car smell (it was fancy to me because her car before that was a little rectangular-shaped grey car with fabric seats, I think), and I remember being so proud to walk up to it and have all the other kids who were waiting see me pull its shiny silver door handles and get in.

The first stop was the grocery store! Your auntie and I would grab all the snacks we’d see in commercials that our mom and dad never let us get: Honey Buns and Slim Jims and Ding Dongs and Cocoa Puffs, frozen pancakes and Fruit Loops and these little turkey sausages that were packaged like string cheese (the name had the word fingers in it, I think... Eek.) Sometimes she took us to the Japanese market, and we’d go to town there, too. We especially loved these buttery little animal biscuits (I still get excited when I see a box of them today) and those giant Cheetos-like sticks... and I think just the thrill of picking out something cool looking without having any idea what was inside, since most labels were in Japanese.

Then we’d go back to her house – to me, this magical playland of possibilities (and to Alyss, a treasure trove of hidden candies… she was always getting into Grandma’s cabinets and drawers and finding her secret stash of honey candies and other goodies). She had this big, grassy backyard with a tall, starry-leafed tree growing in the middle; a little gated-off garden was on the far end and on the opposite end of the yard was a patio with wind chimes and this strange little corner that fascinated me but creeped me out at the same time, with its serious stone statue surrounded by big, poke-y plants. We had a lot of adventures in this backyard. Alyss and I used to peek into the neighbors’ backyards (on both sides) and make up stories about them – I can’t even remember what’s real and what’s not anymore; we once found kittens hidden between the wall and the back fence and wanted to adopt them but were scared off by the mom; Grandma’s little rose/vegetable/fruit garden was a magical Secret Garden, a place I was not supposed to be in, like the one in the movie. I imagine my dad and Uncle Kenny must’ve had a lot of fun there, too, when they were younger – I remember that the big tree shooting out of the center of the yard was flat on top, I was told because one of them threw a baseball at it when it was still short and flimsy and took off the top. =/

Then there was the house – the T.V. room with the orange leather couches where we’d watch all the Nickelodeon we wanted (but would stop when Are You Afraid of the Dark came on) and eat meals on T.V. trays; the long dining table with the glass bowl of plastic fruit that I can only remember sitting at when she had parties (its primary use was as a fort, cave, or whatever else we wanted it to be in the moment).

The next room over was the living room – always spotless with Grandma’s Japanese flower arrangements on a table in the corner, heavy books with images of Japan and nature on the coffee table, and my shiny brown Wurlitzer piano that proudly displayed family photos… all of which eventually came down over the years as marriages ended and families changed. Oh, and there was the old T.V. hooked up to the Super Nintendo on the table by the window. :) By day, this was our play room. By night, this was the backstage area where we’d plan little skits and magic shows before throwing open the “curtains” (the floor-to-ceiling, folding wooden doors that separated the living room from the T.V. room) and performing whatever masterpiece we’d planned for our audience.

As you exited the living room and headed toward the long hallway, the front door would be the your left and the kitchen to your right. We didn’t hang out much in the kitchen, though Grandma did. She loved to cook, I think. Well, she loved to eat and loved hosting parties, and everyone who came over talked about how great her food was, so I’m pretty sure she liked cooking. She made all kinds of food – mostly Japanese but she had this one dish, Tamale Pie (which I remember as ground beef with corn, topped with a “crust” of cornbread), that she made often enough for us to remember and still laugh about now (why did she make Tamale pie when there were all these other dishes she made that were so much better?) My favorites were okonomiyaki and sukiyaki, and salmon, too – until I got that bone lodged in my tonsils and had to go to the ER. She used to make sukiyaki for my birthday (except for that one year when she made it for someone else’s birthday instead… still trying to get over it), and taught me how to make okonomiyaki once, years later when I was older and her memory first started to fade. I wrote everything down and saved all the packaging so I’d remember which brands to use, but ironically, or maybe just unfortunately, I forgot what I did with it.

At the end of the kitchen was her little dining room with a small oval table, which is where I can picture her sitting most of the time, when it wasn’t covered with platters of tempura and sushi and all the other izakaya dishes she would make (I don’t even know if I’m using that word right – just trying to be fancy). This was the table where she taught me origami – how to fold a cup, a crane, an Iris flower. This is where she told me that once I learned how to use chopsticks, she’d take me to Japan (I didn’t make it to Japan until 2012 – I brought her back a scarf, but the disease had already started taking over by then. When I visited her the next day, she had no memory of my visit and the scarf was never found again). And maybe I’m just imagining it happening there, but I can remember her teaching me “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” in Japanese at that little dining room table (”Atama, kata, hiza, ashi”). I ended up teaching everyone at day care and we performed it at some Christmas event.

I passed on the origami skills she taught me, too -- back then, and even recently as a teacher in the jails. One of my students said to himself, chuckling, “I went from robbing banks to folding cranes. I never thought I could use my hands to make something like this.” I ended up leading a schoolwide Thousand Cranes art project that involved students and teachers in the jails and community sites (one of the sergeants even made a crane, too). Collectively at our individual sites, we shared the meaning of a thousand cranes in Japanese culture, taught our students to make them, and strung them together to create a beautiful Thousand Cranes tree display at the 2015 L.A. Art Show. I wish she could have seen it.

To the left of the kitchen was her washer and dryer room, both appliances always running. (I’m just realizing my Grandma was so clean!) This led to her bathroom, with that tub which she’d fill pretty high with hot hot water for our baths. I always complained at first but remember spending hours there. Well, maybe more like half an hour. Long enough for my fingers to get white and wrinkly.

Then was her bedroom – a big bed against the wall, a shrine of some sort against the window with a picture of Grandpa, her husband, and incense. Against the left wall was her desk. It had this hutch on it with a little door, probably the size of a photograph, that became the subject for a lot of my pretend games.

Outside of her room was the hallway I mentioned earlier, which led back to the living room. To the right of Grandma’s room was Alyss’ and my bedroom. There were two twin beds covered with these gold/brown comforter covers. A big closet where finally, my grandma had a little bit of mess (I think our Halloween costumes and other things we didn’t use any more were stored there, too). Along the right wall was a long, wooden dresser topped with an antique gold framed vanity tray and a matching gold lipstick holder. I don’t think we spent much time in this room, except to grab our Barbies or Polly Pocket toys and head to the living room to play. I can’t remember much about it except that I loved that dresser area and vanity. It all looked so grand – it made me feel like a princess. A few years ago (or maybe last year?), Alyss and I had to go with my dad to Grandma’s house at Leisure World. She was no longer living there since she was in a memory care home, and they were getting ready to sell the place and everything in it, so my dad told us to take whatever we wanted. I remember seeing the gold vanity tray sitting on that same dresser. But I didn’t take it, maybe because I felt so weird about what we were doing. I wish I had, though. A thrifty estate-sale shopper probably took it home for five dollars.

The other two rooms down the hall were Auntie Alice’s and the second bathroom. She used to play with us, and take us out and buy us things, when she was there.

Outside the front door was a broad, gravel driveway, and a little bit of a front lawn. I remember not being allowed to play there. I never understood why until I got older, when I learned that Grandma didn’t live in the safest neighborhood. Only then did I notice the bars on the windows and the potholes in the streets, the overgrown front yards without sidewalks and the shortage of street lighting. It didn’t matter, though. Grandma’s house is one of the places I can remember feeling the most safe and comfortable growing up.

You know what’s weird – I meant to describe your great grandma to you, but I ended up describing her house. Not sure how that happened, sorry. I guess I didn’t want to forget any part of her, since I feel like it’s already happening. Sometimes when I’m reminded of things she used to do or say, I have a hard time picturing it, even believing it, because the person she was these past 5-6 years was not fully Grandma.

Grandma had something called Dementia. It’s not something you can catch or prevent, as far as we know now. It’s a brain disease and one symptom of it is memory loss. It’s a sneaky one, because it starts taking away parts of a person’s life when their physical health and everything else seems just fine. Experiences and skills that person has acquired disappear without warning – it’s so gradual and mixed in with normal forgetfulness. And before you realize it, the person you once knew is gone, replaced by a shell of a human being who doesn’t know you, doesn’t know who she is, and is just existing, no longer living. And you didn’t even get to say goodbye.

I’m trying to have faith, though, that in her last few weeks, she did experience life. Because we finally started asking God specifically for that, and there were others who were praying for Grandma, too.

You see Karis, I’ve been praying for Grandma pretty much every morning for maybe 8 or 9 years now -- my prayer to God was that she would “give her life to You and follow You.” I wanted this because I know that whenever anybody chooses to do this, they start to live life more fully. It’s very freeing because you realize that there’s someone (Jesus) who knows all the darkest parts of you and still loves you the same, doesn’t look at you differently, and doesn’t want you to live in guilt about it. And he has the authority to tell you you don’t have to worry about the past anymore because of what happened at the cross. It’s like if you were way way in debt and then Jesus came up to you and was like, “Hey, I just paid all your bills. In fact, I bought the debt collectors out. They no longer have the right to come after you any more, even if you fall into debt again, which you can’t, because you would just owe me now and I’m not keeping track of anything.” Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Well that’s the reality for people who go to Jesus and say, “I need you! I feel like I’m drowning without you. I believe that you paid with your life so that I could be free. I believe all my sins are forgiven because of what you did on the cross, even if it does sound a little crazy. I don’t understand everything about you but I do know one thing – you are good, and I want to trust you. So I will devote the rest of my life to learning to trust you, because I know that’s the only way to live my life out fully, and be the person I was created to be.” All our debt – our mistakes, flaws, failures, deepest darkest secrets – we don’t have to live our lives focusing on these things, letting them define who they are and what we do next. We’ve handed it all over to Jesus, and he’s taken it and thrown it away. And even if as we’re telling Jesus these things, we’re imprisoned in a cell or imprisoned in a body, we can still live in freedom. Freedom can be experienced anywhere.

So this is what I wanted for Grandma (and our other family members who don’t know God, who I’ve been praying for daily along with her). And not just for her to live fully here on Earth, despite her state, but for her to continue living in Heaven, after her body died. In Heaven, God “will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” In Heaven, God makes everything new (Revelation 21:4-5).

When we first visited Grandma after she was put on oxygen and could no longer get out of bed, I started to make my prayers for her more specific. I asked for God to communicate with her through her dreams and through her spirit. For him to make himself real to her supernaturally. That even though she was unable to communicate with us, that God’s spirit would somehow translate my words and get them to her spirit. And that in the days she had left, that she would be spending them with him.

At one point while I was with her and praying for her, holding her hand, she started to move her hand very rapidly back and forth. It was the only movement we’d seen from her in the few hours we’d been with her that day, and it was right after I had asked God to come be with her and make himself real to her, as I was asking that anything blocking her from accepting him would go away.

Reason still tempts me to believe that this was simply a reflex – it’s not like she’s never moved her hand like that before. But she was completely still with all the other touch she was getting and words she was hearing before. Plus, your dad had asked God to give us a sign that she was responding. So I’m trying to hold on to that as a sign that God’s spirit was with hers.

There’s also the story in the Bible, Luke 5:18-26 (The Message version):

18-20 Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, “Friend, I forgive your sins.” 21 That set the religion scholars and Pharisees buzzing. “Who does he think he is? That’s blasphemous talk! God and only God can forgive sins.” 22-26 Jesus knew exactly what they were thinking and said, “Why all this gossipy whispering? Which is simpler: to say ‘I forgive your sins,’ or to say ‘Get up and start walking’? Well, just so it’s clear that I’m the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both…” He now spoke directly to the paraplegic: “Get up. Take your bedroll and go home.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he did it—got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way. The people rubbed their eyes, incredulous—and then also gave glory to God. Awestruck, they said, “We’ve never seen anything like that!”

Your dad and Grandma J pointed out a few things about this story. One – Jesus forgave the paraplegic man’s sins because he was impressed by the bold belief of the man’s friends. The man himself did not ask for forgiveness. But Jesus forgave him anyway, because of the faith of the man’s friends. Second – the paraplegic man did choose to come to Jesus. He did not come to him himself – even if he wanted to, he couldn’t have. He came to Jesus because his friends literally carried him there. Third – Jesus says that he has the authority to forgive sins, meaning that he can forgive sins for whoever and wherever he likes! In Luke 23, he forgives a man who was crucified beside him, who probably caused a lot of pain for people throughout his life and only becomes a believer in the last hours of his life. The man says to him, "Jesus, remember me when You come in Your kingdom!" And Jesus said to him, "Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in Paradise." And in James 4, Jesus says, “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

And I’m reminded of another passage in the Bible, in Matthew 25. It’s a vision of what happens when people die and come before Jesus in heaven:

34-36 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what’s coming to you in this kingdom. It’s been ready for you since the world’s foundation. And here’s why:

I was hungry and you fed me,

I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,

I was homeless and you gave me a room,

I was shivering and you gave me clothes,

I was sick and you stopped to visit,

I was in prison and you came to me.’

37-40 “Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’

I’m still learning and hoping that what I’m saying to you is not off, but to me, these Bible verses tell me that Grandma is in Heaven. First of all, I, God’s daughter, asked him for it. At least 2,920 times. And it says in Matthew 7 that our Father in heaven gives good gifts to those who ask him. Second, like the paraplegic man, Grandma had a lot of things going against her that made her unable to go to Jesus on her own – her upbringing and culture, the language barrier, and then the dementia. But also like the man, she had a group of believers who were trying to carry her to Jesus with our prayers. There were at least fifteen of us. Fifteen of God’s children asking their father in heaven for something. And third, Grandma fed, clothed, provided a home, and cared for someone who was overlooked and ignored – her daughter. When everyone else wanted to give up on Auntie Alice, and when Grandma had the opportunity to free herself from taking care of her and go to the Keiro retirement home with her friends, she chose instead to move to Leisure World – a home far from her community with which she was so heavily involved, but the only one that would allow her to bring my aunt along with her. Those years at Leisure World I know were not easy for her – they were isolating and full of conflict, external but probably internal as well. But she refused to leave her daughter, despite the pain it caused her.

So with this, plus Jesus’ authority to forgive sins in unconventional situations, the way he has shown to be moved by compassion and great faith to make miracles happen, and God’s great love for us and mercy on us… isn’t it reasonable to believe Grandma Chieko is with him now?

Perfect and beautiful and free, doing all the things she used to do – laughing and dancing and doing random goofy things… maybe even getting her hair done, hosting parties and hanging out with friends, cooking and arranging flowers… if people still do those things in heaven. But definitely celebrating.

Jesus, have mercy on my Grandma Chieko. I believe she was with you during her last days. Please tell her I say hi.

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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Month 11 Updates

Dear Karis,

You are 11 months old now!

“Helping” Grandpa put your clothes away (more counterproductive than helpful, but you were trying).

Got a visit from Eden! (Trying out the new sippy cup she got you.)

You don’t seem to be too much of a stuffed animal person, but with certain ones, when we hand them to you you hug them close to your face and then kiss them. :)

Feeding yourself!

Drinking from a straw!

A day at Huntington Beach...

You love climbing into baskets... even when they’re too small for you (wish I had a picture of you sitting on top of your toys in this little 12x9″ basket). You’re a studious little goofball by the way!

You love climbing, too!

Another celebrity encounter... this time at Michelangelo’s in Silverlake. (Yes, I’m talking about Grandpa... but that guy in the background is Anders Holm from “The Intern”!)

Selfie!

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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Month 10 Updates

Dear Karis,

Today is your 10-month birthday!

Some of the outtakes...

New things you can do...

You can do all the things in Pat the Bunny (Got some of them on video!)

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You can stand by yourself (for a second... but you’re getting stronger and stronger!)

You can mimic our faces, actions, and noises!

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Things we did this month...

First 4th of July!

“Business Trip” with mommy to San Francisco... Daddy came, too, and we even had a chance to hang out with family!

(^keeping busy on the road)

(^rolling around on the bed... we made a pillow fort for you and you loved it!)

(^dancing with Auntie Pat)

(^meeting some of your Atabay family for the first time!)

(^having fun with your reflection at the Livermore Outlets)

More fun times!

(^hanging with the Deguchis)

(^cuddling with your aunties)

(^climbing on Grandpa)

You continue to be the same, easy-going, sweet baby girl. More than a few times, we’ve walked by blank-faced strangers who couldn’t help but break into smiles upon seeing you!

You love people... babies and boys, in particular! You’ll be sitting and smiling at something, and when I turn to look, lately it’s been a boy (from teenagers to grown men)! Just today, we were at a restaurant and a toddler was crying. Her mom took her outside, and they ended up sitting on the other side of a glass window from us. She had stopped crying, and was just looking at you... and you were smiling at her. :) Later, another baby was being carried around by his mom on the other side of the glass, and you were waving, smiling, and squealing at him. :)

You seem pretty fearless, too. You get passed around from person to person at church, with family, with friends... and you don’t freak out! Of course, you’re delighted whenever you’re returned to Mommy or another familiar face, but you’re okay on your own, too. The dogs don’t scare you, either. You’re not intimidated by Stitch’s size or the way Franklin gets all up in your face or Maggie’s little jealous scare tactics. You crawl up to Stitch and pet him, you swat Franklin out of the way, and you try to steal Maggie’s bone from her all the time!

You love rolling around on fluffy, soft surfaces. Your favorite activity is pulling clothes out of drawers, or toys out of the basket, or your little Disney books out of their box...

As far as foods go, I’m pretty sure you prefer sweets and carbs to veggies and protein. You love Cheerios and baby puffs, and you’ll slurp up a whole pouch of blueberry, pear, and purple carrot... but a container of pureed chicken and vegetables will remain pretty untouched.

I love you so much, my sweet little Karis. It’s so fun being your mom,

~Mom

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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Month 9 Updates

Dear Karis,

My beautiful baby girl is 9 months old already!

This month’s “Firsts”...

Daddy’s first Father’s Day

Grandpa’s first Father’s Day as a grandpa

(more pics from our Father’s Day aquarium trip...)

First time in the pool... you were so good! You only cried when Daddy dunked you. :)

You’re also starting to get your first tooth! And you’re handling this whole teething thing really well.

You can...

...Mimic our movements and sounds! We sing “Twinkle Twinkle” and lift our hands up, opening and closing them like twinkling stars, and here’s what you do...

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...Wave (you have quite the princessy wave!)

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...Do the Bernie... in your sleep!

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Things you like...

Pat the Bunny. Grandma said you can go through the book and do all the activities it tells you to do!

Crawling into small spaces!

Feeding yourself from the food pouches.

Being thrown up into the air and turned upside down!

More cute pics of you...

Taking pics to send to Grandpa on his birthday

BYOB party at Kyrie’s (Bring Your Own Bottle)

Visiting Great Grandma Chieko at her new home

Rainy Girl

Showing your Trojan pride at Natasha and Alexandra’s graduation party (Daddy will love this post!)

Staying up late at the 626 Night Market (with Auntie Bernice!)

You continue to grow stronger, more expressive, and more lovable every day. We still get comments all the time, from strangers and friends alike, about how beautiful, strong, and intelligent you are.

A friend we met at the Bethel conference in May got to meet you a few weeks ago, and she confirmed what others have been saying about you -- “She has these intelligent eyes, like she’s looking into your soul.” She also said she feels like you’re going to be a singer! Another friend was saying yesterday how lovable you are, how people are just drawn to you, and how you’re truly God’s special gift to us... and everyone else!

Love you so much, sweet Karis.

Mom

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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Month 8 Updates

Dear Karis,

Time is going by so quickly. You turned 8 months old over a week ago!

(We had a hard time getting a picture of you this time...you wouldn’t sit still!)

You can...

- walk using your walker

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- cruise along the length of the coffee table

- pick up small objects (like little, bite-sized snacks) with your pincher (pincer?) fingers and feed yourself

- climb from the floor to the ottoman to the couch, without any pillow-step stools!

- understand your name! (well, you stop what you’re doing and turn around when we call your name)

- say “dadadada” and “mamma” (though I don’t think you know what you’re saying yet)

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(you even say “dada” in your sleep...)

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Firsts...

First trip to the Long Beach Aquarium!

First Mother’s Day (well, I guess that’s more a first for me)

First vacation! Spent a week in Redding with Auntie Steph, Uncle Tim, and Mason. You had so much fun with them! (Had your first kiss from a boy and first movie date, too, as you can see...)

Stopped in SF on the way there and back and stayed with some fam, and made a stop in Monterey before heading home! (These pictures were taken in Pacific Grove.)

Some random cute pics of you from this past month...

Snapchat.

What happens now when we leave you for a few moments (strapped in) in your Mama Roo...

This is a video I play whenever I miss you or just want to feel happy inside...

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Other fun facts...

- you stop crying and fall asleep when Daddy plays “Rainy Girl”

- you pound your hand on your tray when you want more food!

- no one makes you giggle and squeal more than Maggie! (and she’s definitely not trying to get you to...)

- when we got prayer for you at Bethel, the man praying for us asked if I sing. I said I used to. He said I should start doing it again, and that you would be a singer, too... (we’ll see!)

- strangers keep approaching me to tell me how beautiful you are. One woman said you could be a baby model and another man said the you win the “Cutest Baby” prize

Love you so much, my sweet Karis. Good night!

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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Month 7 Highlights

Dear Karis,

You’re 7 months old already!

You are progressing sooooo quickly.

You can crawl now...

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You can pull yourself up from the ground to standing!

You can even climb!

(fast-forward to 1:40 for the action :))

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You’re playing and giggling a little more...

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You went on your first trip to Disneyland!

and got to meet more cousins! :)

You got your first American Girl doll!

From Auntie Betty... :)

You’re quite the little model!

You continue to charm everyone who meets you... you’re a great eater (from fruits to veggies, and egg yolks to apple crackers, you haven’t rejected anything yet!)... you prefer books, paper, cups, remote controls, cell phones, and cords over baby toys (though you do love your pacis!)... every time you’ve been to childcare (at BSF or Catalyst) I always get a positive report about how great you are... funny noises, faces, and our dogs make you laugh the most...

Oh, and there’s something special about your eyes! I mean Mommy and Daddy noticed it from the beginning. We couldn’t quite explain it, except that you seemed so deep. We thought maybe it was just something we saw, since we’re your parents... but then others started commenting on it, friends and strangers alike -- She loos like she’s always thinking about something... I feel like she’s looking into my soul... She’s so alert... She really pays attention... She doesn't miss a beat... Her eyes! Auntie Steph was just observing you one day as we sat around the table, your eyes darting from person as the conversation flowed... and she said, “There’s something special about her eyes...it’s like she really sees people.” Mommy and Daddy think maybe you are going to be the kind of person who sees those who others don't see -- people who are often overlooked or unnoticed by most. You make people feel special, my little Karis. My cousin even observed that recently -- she said, “She smiled at me! Babies never smile at me...”

Praying that God’s love for others continues to shine through you and touch everyone you meet!

Love you, sweet Karis.

Mom

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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It’s okay to give more than you get.

Dear Karis,

It’s okay to give more than you get.

It’s okay to be the better friend.

It’s okay to try your best, even if there’s a chance your best won’t be enough.

It’s okay to forgive people who have hurt you.

It’s okay to give people more than they deserve.

I feel like this is a lesson I’ve been learning over the past few years… and one I’ve been reminded of more recently...

It’s okay to be the better friend.

It started a little after I got married – my friendships with certain people just started to change! I felt like my efforts to keep up friendships weren’t reciprocated or even appreciated. I told your dad I was done with these people… they made me feel like poop. And he said something to me that has really helped – “It’s okay to be the better friend.” This doesn’t mean to be a doormat. It just means you don’t have to feel bad about yourself when you give your best and don’t get it in return. You don’t have to retract your friendship from everyone who’s not as good at being a friend as you are. And you shouldn’t lower your level of giving to match what you’re receiving. Doing those kinds of things will start to produce negative changes in the person you are, and you don’t want that! So you just keep being a friend.

It took some time for things to feel okay again… I had to adjust my expectations, I had to know that when I reached out, I most likely would not get the response I wanted. And I had to remember that their response said nothing about who I was, and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to determine the kind of person I was going to be. Today, we’re friends again. Not like we were before, but there are no bad feelings.

It’s okay to try your best, even if there’s a chance your best won’t be enough.

Then there was that interview I had a few weeks ago – the one for Assistant Principal, remember? Well, I prepped hard for it. I delivered a flawless presentation and answered every question just the way I wanted. When I left, there were no “I wish I’d said this” or “I forgot to say that” kinds of thoughts. But… I didn’t get the position. :( They gave me reasons like, “You could do the work, but you wouldn’t be happy,” and “This may not be the kind of position you want to take on at this time in your life,” but the bottom line was this: One of my greatest fears growing up had come true – I put myself out there and was rejected. I gave my best and failed.

I’m not sure if this will make sense to you, but you don’t know how many times Mommy has held back from trying her best, from going all out – simply because of fear of failure! (In my mind, it wasn’t really failure if I didn’t try my best.) Something strange happened, though. Because I gave my best, it didn’t feel like failure! Instead, I felt hopeful. Empowered. So I wasn’t the best fit for that job. But because I went all out, I was able to see what I’m capable of. And it felt waaaaay better than all those times growing up when I sat smugly after a loss and told myself, “Well, it’s not like I really tried, anyway.” So… we’ll see what happens. They brought up another leadership position during my interview that may actually suit me better, and the Teacher Support Committee also approached me about creating a position for me – one where I’ll get to support teachers like I wanted, but not have to discipline them, and I would get to stay home with you part time! :) :) :)

It’s okay to forgive people who have hurt you, and to instead give them better than you feel they deserve.

I was reading Hosea the other day (it’s a book in the Bible) because a pastor at a church we visited recently was teaching on it. It’s kind of a weird book (God is mad at Israel for disobeying him and trusting in other gods rather than him, so he tells one of his prophets, Hosea, to marry a prostitute and have children with her in order to help get his message across to the Israelites), but you can always learn something from everything, especially if it’s the Bible.

So anyway, God is getting all mad at the Israelites and telling them all the ways they will be punished for their disloyalty and betrayal… I mean, they were slaves in Egypt and he rescued them. They were wanderers – homeless and starving, and he provided food to eat and a place where they could belong and live. And quickly, they forgot about all he had done, turned their backs on him, and did all the things he told them not to do. So he’s telling them about all the bad things that will happen to them without him, all the loss and destruction they will experience… then suddenly, his tone changes. And he says:

14 Israel, I, the Lord, will lure you into the desert and speak gently to you. 15 I will return your vineyards, and then Trouble Valley will become Hopeful Valley. You will say “Yes” to me as you did in your youth, when leaving Egypt. 16 I promise that from that day on, you will call me your husband instead of your master. 17 I will no longer even let you mention the names of those pagan gods that you called “Master.” 18 And I will agree to let you live in peace—you will no longer be attacked by wild animals and birds or by weapons of war. 19 I will accept you as my wife forever, and instead of a bride price I will give you justice, fairness, love, kindness, 20 and faithfulness. Then you will truly know who I am. 21 I will command the sky to send rain on the earth, 22 and it will produce grain, grapes, and olives in Jezreel Valley. 23 I will scatter the seeds and show mercy to Lo-Ruhamah. I will say to Lo-Ammi You are my people,” and they will answer, “You are our God.” (Hosea 2)

Bride price: It was the custom for the husband to pay his wife’s parents a bride price. Instead of money, the Lord will give much better benefits to Israel.

Jezreel Valley: A place where Kind Jehu of Israel committed many murders, a place of death.

Lo-Ruhamah: Hosea’s daughter, whose name means one who is not shown mercy.

Lo-Ammi: Hosea’s son, whose name means one who does not belong to me.

As I was reading this passage, I realized something – God was showing me how he deals with people who have hurt him. He doesn’t stay angry, or withhold his love and plot ways he will hurt them back. Yes, they have to experience the consequences that naturally come from the choices they made – consequences they wouldn’t have had to experience had they stayed loyal to him. But instead, God says:

Let’s start over again. Let’s go back to how things were in the beginning, when we were just getting to know each other, and I’ll try to win you over again (14). I’ll restore everything that was destroyed and lost when things were bad between us, and all the pain we’ve experienced will be replaced with hope. I will fight for you to trust me again (15). The closeness we used to have will be restored. I’m not going to treat you like I’m your master and you need to work hard to earn my love back. I’m going to give it freely and in abundance to you, like a husband to his wife (16). I’m not going to bring up the wrongs you’ve committed against me, and I won’t let you dwell on them, either (17). I will do everything I can to protect you from harm, rather than attack you (18). I will accept you forever – you are mine and I am yours. And I will give you above and beyond what you have counted yourself worthy of receiving – I will give you justice, fairness, love, kindness, and faithfulness (19). I am not changed by situations or people – I stay the same no matter what injustices are done to me (20). I will provide everything you need. Where there was death, you will experience new life and fruitfulness (21-22). Where I didn’t show mercy, I will now be merciful. And though I disowned you and said you were nobody to me, you are somebody to me. You are mine (23).

(That was my own translation based on footnotes and other commentary. It might not be totally right but it’s how I understood the passage!)

God responds to hurt, betrayal, dishonor, and every other kind of wrongdoing by not only forgiving, but by coming back with an outpour of love on those who have hurt him, providing for them in abundance, restoring them, redeeming them, and giving them above and beyond what they have counted themselves worthy of receiving. And he doesn’t stop there. Even though God was undeserving of the Israelites’ betrayal and dishonor and they were the ones in the wrong, he acts humbly rather than self-righteously, giving freedom rather than guilt, refusing to hold their wrongdoings over their heads, and laying himself down before them, declaring all the ways he will love them, without conditions.

That is how I’d like to respond to those who have hurt me. It’s hard, pretty much impossible, but hey – just another reminder that he’s God. And if I can act in any way close to that, maybe people will see a little glimpse of him through me. And maybe I can become a little more of what he intended me to be.

* * *

So, Karis… it’s okay to give more than you get. If your pride is all that’s at risk by giving more, then risk it. You’ll live a fuller, freer life that way. (If someone is repeatedly or purposely hurting you, though, you come tell me – that’s another story.) So be the better friend, go all out in all you do, and give generously, not in accordance with what has or may be given to you. If you withhold love, you withhold yourself from receiving the blessings God has for you!

Love you, my sweet Karis.

Mom

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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Month 6 Highlights

Dear Karis,

You are half a year old already!

You’ve been doing so many new things this past month. We are so impressed by you! You’re babbling more, smiling more, squealing more, rolling around more... you can razz, pull yourself up from your tummy to a sitting position, be pulled up from sitting to standing, sleeping at night for like 6 hours at a time, taking down at least 4 oz. of milk every 2 hours... oh, and here’s some really new stuff:

You can get on all fours!

^Look how strong you are!

You can crawl and reach for things!

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You can sit up by yourself!

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You can make solid poops...

...because you eat solid food now!

^Those are pureed apples. You’ve also had peas, spinach, sweet potato, and oatmeal. You’re such good eater, by the way! No problems with you keeping the food in your mouth. After the initial shock, you couldn't get enough!

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Other new adventures...

First time touching the ocean! (You were kind of shocked by the cold, but didn’t cry!)

First time passing out at a bar on St. Patty’s Day! (and the last, right?)

^Looks like someone had a little too much to drink...

and your First Girls’ Day (not that we really celebrate that but you got gifts :))

Here’s you visiting Great Grandma Chieko!

And some twinsie pics!

And here’s you just being cute. :)

Performing “Doll on a Music Box” from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with Daddy...

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Discovering your beautiful self :)

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Love you so so much, my sweet Karis.

Love,

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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If you don’t like something, you don’t have to receive it!

Dear Karis,

People have lots of opinions. Some you will like, but many you won’t! Sometimes people will say them to you like they’re a fact. Sometimes they won’t say them, you’ll just see them on their face. Sometimes you won’t even see them on their face, but you’ll make your own guess and worry about whether that guess is right or not!

It’s really easy to get stressed out by other people’s opinions. If you’ll let them, they can consume you! They will control your thoughts, your actions, the way you see yourself and others... they can paralyze you, put you in a box, or push you to do things that don’t feel good or right inside.

But I have good news -- you don’t have to receive people’s opinions! You know what Jesus says to do when people don’t like you or reject you?

“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.” ~ Matthew 10:14

He says to shake the dust off your feet! In other words... brush it off. Treat it like the meaningless dirt that it is.

Auntie Dale told me that when someone says something to her that she doesn’t like, she simply says, “I don’t receive that.” So Mommy has been trying to do that. And I want you to do the same. (You don’t have to say it out loud, but at least say it to yourself.)

It works with negative thoughts, too. Sometimes I get reminded of painful memories or I fixate on negative things people have said to me or about me. I let them play out over and over in my mind... NOT GOOD! Those painful times have passed and the negative things are usually not true. By allowing them to continue on in my mind, I’m breathing life into them. And they don’t deserve to be brought back to life. But all I have to do is declare that I don’t receive that, and I’m freed from it. In the Bible it says, “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7), and “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world” (1 John 4:4).

I spent a long time receiving negative thoughts and opinions when I was younger. Too long! And the worst thing is, most of them were probably just in my mind -- things I imagined or feared people thought of me. I let my fears of other people’s opinions and my desire for their approval control me, paralyze me. I held myself back from so many things and didn’t allow myself to take many chances because I feared failure and rejection. I feared not being perfect! Somewhere along the line, I learned that not being perfect=failure. What a crazy way to think, huh? I still struggle with it. But now I can recognize it and resist it.

I applied for an Assistant Principal position at the school I currently work for. In one and a half weeks, I have an interview! I almost didn’t apply because I was worried about the negative things people might think of me that would prevent me from getting the job. But I was reminded that those things are not true... even if they do really think them (you should know, though, that Mommy really is the best :)). So in one and a half weeks, I’m going to go in there and show them. Funny, because by the time you read this, you’ll know whether I got the job or not!

Anyway, I am sitting here in front of the computer while you are rolling around in your little play land beside me. :) You just pulled yourself up to a sitting position from your stomach, and I heard you razzing a little, too! (Two new things!)

So I want to close with this prayer for you: May God will give you the strength to say, “I don’t receive that!” when hurtful words come your way, when you perceive negative feelings from others, or when untrue thoughts try to force their way into your mind. In those moments, may you remember who you are -- God’s beloved daughter, his beautiful, treasured princess. His opinion of you is the only one that matters. So may you set your eyes on Him, and not on others. (People are going to be haters, Karis -- there is a lot about you to be jealous of!)

Amen. :)

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kristinchieko · 9 years ago

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Thorn removal is not always sufficient, but grace always is.

Dear Karis,

The themes that have kept coming up in my life this past month have been suffering and grace. So the lesson I wanted to share with you this month is this: Thorn removal is not always sufficient, but grace always is.

This came from a message called “Is God Fair?” by Jennifer Rothschild. She became blind as a child, and even though she has asked God to heal her many times, she still has not been healed… and often struggles when she hears testimonies of other people being miraculously healed. In her message, she cites Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12, when he shares about asking God to remove the suffering in his life – the “thorn” in his flesh – and what God’s response was:

7 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

And from these verses, she realized: Thorn removal is not always sufficient, but grace always is. Not getting healing does not mean God does not favor you or that he “skimped,” he’s just posturing us to receive the better gift of grace.

So here’s what I want you to remember, my little Karis…

ONE. God's grace is better than freedom from suffering. There will be times when life will hurt. :( And like Paul, and the blind lady, and even Mommy, you will pray and pray and pray for the pain or whatever is causing your suffering to be taken away… and still, it will remain. And you might start to think bad things about God, or about yourself, trying to find someone to blame, or a reason for why it seems like your prayer is not getting answered while others’ prayers are. During these times I want you to remember that getting rid of suffering does not always make things better! But God’s grace always makes things better. Think of it this way…

Imagine that a fairy godmother appears to you one day and says, “Karis, I want to give you a gift.”

And you’re like, “Oh snap, I have a fairy godmother! Is this fo’ real?”

And she just laughs and pinches your perfectly poreless cheeks, then continues, “You have two choices, my dear: One, you can have the gift of never experiencing suffering; or two, you can have the gift of God’s grace.”

And then you’re like, “Okay, lemme think about this…”

So you think for a few moments, slyly twirling your Soothie between your fingers… and then you look her straight in the eye and confidently suggest, “How’s about you give me both?”

She’s about to give you both because you’re just so dang cute, when she realizes – she can’t. “Without suffering, you won’t be able to fully receive grace,” she says.

“Okay, then I pick the gift of no suffering!” you exclaim.

“Okay!” she says. “Get ready for a life where everything will always go your way, everything will come easily, and you’ll never have to struggle!” She raises her magic wand... then pauses. Lowers her voice. “But I have to warn you – if I take away your suffering, you’re not going to grow anymore – you’ll stay the way you are forever. I mean, physically, you’ll grow. And your brain will hold more facts. But your character will always be like that of a little baby.”

You don’t really know what character is yet, but her change of tone is making you nervous. “Now wait just a minute,” you say. “Can you tell me more about this grace gift, then?”

She smiles. “Grace is unmerited favor. If you have it, then you’ll always be forgiven whenever you mess up, you’ll always be loved no matter what you do or don’t do, plus you’ll get many other unexpected gifts along the way! These unexpected gifts are called blessings or miracles. They will be just what you need at just the right time, and they’ll come from someone who knows you better than you know yourself, so you know they’ll be good!”

So… which would you choose, Karis?

This will be hard to believe at times, especially in the midst of suffering, but you must remember… grace is the better gift. God said to Paul that His grace is sufficient -- that means it’s enough! If you have grace, you lack nothing! 2 Corinthians 9:8 says, “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” God’s grace guarantees that you will have everything you need at all times. Even when you are weak. (Especially then.) Freedom from suffering does not.

If you’ve committed to following Jesus, then you’re covered with God’s grace. Because of his grace, he may choose to remove your suffering and intervene with some miraculous healing at times. But if he doesn’t, then you can know confidently that your suffering, or whatever “thorn” you’re dealing with, will lead to something far better than what you would have if he simply removed it. This brings me to my second point…

TWO. Suffering is not a bad thing. I know. Sounds like crazy talk. But there are a ton of verses in the Bible that say not only that suffering is not bad, but that you’re actually blessed because of it!

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:3-4

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.

Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” ~ Isaiah 61:3, 7

Here are some other ways you are blessed through suffering:

You become stronger (“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” ~Romans 5:3-4)

You become more like Jesus (I’ve heard he’s pretty awesome)

You are able to comfort others when they go through the same thing

You grow closer to God (it’s really hard to want to be close to him when things are going perfectly, but things are always better when you’re beside him!)

Suffering can help you discover your passions and purpose in this life

In her book Restless, Jennie Allen says this about suffering:

“Out of our pain we will heal our world... [Our struggles] could be the greatest weapons we have to help set others free... The deep holes I was working to fill would eventually define what I would most desire to give away to the world... The messiest waste of our lives becomes the most fertile soil... Fires are lit in our lives, and they can burn to shine light or cause destruction.”

So... suffering can actually bring blessings. It can make you a better person, allows you to go deeper in your relationships with people and with God, and helps you to find greater meaning and purpose in life. Crazy, huh? On the other hand, think of the people you know (or know of) who have never really experienced much struggle or loss... they are often self-centered, shallow, bored, passionless, lonely people. :( And one last thing…

THREE. Everyone suffers. Sometimes the things you go through may be so painful that you start to believe you are all alone in this, that no one else understands. But that’s not true! It says in 1 Peter 5:9 to “remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are”. My BSF notes on Romans 5 say that “most people are either in the midst of a crisis, preparing for one, or recovering from one”. And Jesus himself went through all the suffering we’ll ever go through... “He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step” (1 Peter 2:21).

God grieves with us, too. Psalm 34 says that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted” and Psalm 56 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

And so, my Karis... if you’re struggling with something now, I want you to know you are not alone. God is holding you. And Mommy will always grieve with you. Remember to look for God’s grace in your suffering, because you’re covered in it. For me, you are my daily reminder of his grace! There is nothing special about me or anything I’ve done that make me deserve you -- a perfect, healthy, beautiful child -- while other friends are praying their newborn will make it through brain surgery or grieving the loss of their 3-month old. I can dwell on how I don’t deserve the tough things I’m going through... or I can set my thoughts instead on the undeserved gift I have through you, and allow God to cover my troubles with his grace.

Love you so much, my little charis.

Mom

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