kyluvsyi3w2

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I sat there crying,

Crying even though I didn't want to,

Crying even though I tried to be strong.

You're right,

I idealize you.

You're right,

We spend so much time trying to be someone else.

You said no. That was your first answer.

Isn't the first answer usually the truth?

Then you tried to backtrack and rephrase.

But you said no.

I told you that things like this are planned.

Things like this we make happen.

I said, "I'd fly to Turkey to see you."

I talked and I talked and I talked.

And you, my kind soul, you just looked at me.

I apologized for my blubbering,

You said it was okay.

There was so much more I could've said,

But maybe I heard enough.

You don't want to say no to what might happen,

And I can't hold on to the what ifs.

I'm much too old,

Much too tired,

And much to lonely to do that anyFUCKINGmore!

You don't owe me anything.

But thanks for sitting there anyway,

Thanks for letting me cry,

Thanks for not making me feel like a big fucking idiot,

The idiot I feel like so much of the time.

My feelings are on me and I know that.

I basically said I want you without saying I want you.

What more could I really say?

Because to me, I've laid all my cards out on the table,

And you spoke your own truth,

And the result of that is me crying,

You living on,

And both of us being alone.

You're right,

I don't know all of you.

But you said no.

So, I'll sit here sad and stunned,

Crying frustrated, sad, defeated, disappointed tears.

My Japanese sister was right,

My gut was right,

But my heart,

My stupid, desperate, good for nothing but heartbreak heart,

Part of it still beats just for you.

Whether it's stupid, foolish, idealistic, naive, or some combination of all of the above it doesn't matter.

For it beats for you all the same anyway.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Dear assholes of the world,

May you burn in hell. May you hurt as much as you have hurt me. May someone treat you as shitty and insignificant as you have treated me. May you be dismissed and disregarded. May you be called things you are not. May no one listen, may no one believe you, may no one care. May you cry tears upon tears upon tears for people who are undeserving of any ounce of your sorrow. May you lay in bed and wonder, “Is it me?” May you try your hardest and fall flat on your face every damn time. May your honesty be met with lies and animosity. May the people you love most of all leave. May you find comfort only to have to move on. May all your worst nightmares come true. May you look in the mirror and see nothing. Truly, nothing. Not beauty, not yourself, not ugliness, just nothing. When you think things are going better may the rug be swept out from under you. May all your efforts to get what you want most of all be fruitless and tiring. May your work days be long and your weekends be short. I hope people leave you hanging like you did to me. I hope people flake on you last minute, like you did to me. For you I wish for the opposite of what people which for on shooting stars. I wish, I wish, I wish I could truly be this selfish. Truly be this mean. And truly have this much hate. But the truth is I didn’t like the angry version of me. And as disappointing, unfair, and saddening life can be I don’t ever want to be that version of me again. So since I can’t actually wish any of the things I listed above. I can wish that I keep finding the inner strength to push through my sorrow and pain. I wish to find my person. That person who’s not perfect, but is perfect or me and above all I wish for the confidence to walk with my head held high. Because as much as it’s perfectly valid to feel my feelings it’s just as important to know my worth and settle for nothing less than what I deserve.

Warm wishes,

Royalty Miss Loyalty

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I think adulting has to be the biggest bullshit that there is.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Ache

I feel sick and not because I have a hangover, but because you haven't answered my calls, nor called me back. You've text me so you haven't left me completely in the dark. It's still early days. But like these butterflies in my stomach have made their way to my throat and I think I might throw up. I want to wash away my worries in the shower, but I don't think they'll fit down the drain. It's getting later and later. The likelihood of you calling me back tonight is getting smaller and smaller. And my impatient neediness is getting more and more apparent. You deserve better. And maybe I do too. Or maybe you don't owe me anything. Or maybe you are simply just busy and I have nothing to worry about. But the longer you don't reply the more I worry and wonder. The more I try to make sense of this and find a rational reason. But I think, no I know, the longer there is silence the more I will worry. The more I worry the more desperate I'll get. So the more I'll call. And I'm really really really trying not to be that needy person. Trying not to be 20 year old me who knocked on my boyfriend at the time's door begging for it to be answered. I'm older now and I know better. But my mind and my heart they are constantly having miscommunications. And all of this going on in one body, mine that is, is seriously too much to take. I just met you and this is how I feel, already, so soon. I think maybe that's a red flag on my end. I think maybe I'm broken. I think maybe you could be the person who cracks the code and breaks down the walls I keep up even around my own self. More than I'm desperate to be normal I'm desperate to be loved. And that could be you couldn't it? You'll talk to me. I'm pretty sure you will anyway. I'm probably just blowing things out of proportion. I'm probably worrying for no reason. Well... not no reason because people I've cared about, or simply connected with, have just up and left. Some with a goodbye some without. So please forgive me for trying to step lightly and worrying that maybe something I said or did already fucked it all up. My thoughts are racing, my legs are shaking, my fingers are flying across this keyboard. And I know what I really need to do is take a fucking breath. What I really need to do is calm down. What I really need to do is live and let live. If I scared you away just by wanting and trying to talk to you then so be it. That would make me sad of course, but life goes on. You'll call me, right? You like me, right? Mr. London said he'd remember me as the girl who had nothing to be sorry for. So for him and for me I'm going to try my best not to be sorry for merely, complexly, and eventually completely being myself. Because if someone who knew me for less than a week could see the goodness and the rightness in me then I should be able to see it too right? I don't see it today. Today I see a messy, needy girl full of desperation, anxiety, and worry. I see old patterns repeating themselves, such as me sitting by my phone impatiently waiting for you to contact me. I don't want to live in that memory that that action brings up. I really fucking don't! So call me, call me, call me. For the love of god who doesn't exist please fucking call me! This can't be the end, can it? I sure hope not. I truly, truly, truly hope not.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I fear that liking you will only bring me sadness. I fear that maybe she, and what she calls my gut, are right and you aren’t as interested as I am. I do agree if you really liked me you’d want to talk to me more not less. But I’m, or maybe that’s my hope, giving you the benefit of the doubt. When you talk to me you are nothing but kind. You are nothing but smiles. I feel so fucking seen by you, and I hope that you feel seen by me too. I want to kiss your lips, shower together, and feel that feeling of “goddamn I can’t get my body close enough to yours.�� I want to lay in your arms and act like we never have to say goodbye knowing full well that we’ll have to. Maybe you don’t want to open yourself up because you don’t want to be hurt by that ache. Maybe you’re not in the space for a relationship. Maybe you’re being practical and the fact that we live thousands of miles apart from each other is stopping you. Or maybe you are just a slow burn and I have to be patient. I’m not a patient person. When we talk you just seem so present and everything seems so genuine. So how on Earth could someone with that much heart not have feelings for me? It’s more than just a physical attraction isn’t it? I believe it is, but now I’m second guessing everything. I think the best thing for me to do is to just be upfront and ask you my question when we talk the next time, whenever that may be. And if that means I have to lose you that means I have to lose you. But you deserve to know, if you don’t already, how badly I’m crushing on you. And I deserve someone to crush on me back.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

May time move slower when we are “together”,

May time move faster when we are “apart”,

May our bond grow stronger the more we talk,

May you like me as much as I like you.

May we fall for each other and have one hell of a complicated happily ever after.

You’d be worth all the complications in the world,

I just know it.

I’d travel anywhere to see you,

Wherever you may land.

But I do hope you always come “back” to me.

I know it’s just the beginning and we really aren’t anything more than friends.

But I know it’s more than that.

The way you thanked me showed it meant so much more.

May my belief be true.

May you let me in piece by piece.

I get it though life goes on.

The world stops spinning for no one and nothing after all.

So to keep one foot stepping in front of the other you keep things separate.

May your boundaries blur.

May you make an exception for me.

And may you be the person I’ve been waiting for for a very very very long time.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I could fall in love with someone like you. Someone who is straight forward, kind, and humble. Someone who is smart, understanding, and open minded. Someone who likes to discuss not debate. I want to kiss you more than you know. I want to be near you more than you know. If I could only breathe the same air as you for just a moment, a blip in time, I’d take it. Because even though I just met you I truly believe you are a one of a kind soul. I go online, you’re not there. I refresh the page, you’re not there. I count the hours, I wonder where you are. I talk to other people, they aren’t you. I just want to talk to you. But here is the only place where I can do that. So I refresh again. I wonder and wait. And I feel my disappointed sad feeling. Maybe tomorrow or the next day you said. It’s the next day already. But I’ll keep trying because I know you aren’t mad and that you’ll come back. But I could truly fall in love with someone like you. Maybe you can feel that energy so you’re holding back. Or maybe, most likely, I’m over thinking it entirely. I deserve someone like you.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I sat there feeling broken. I knew what you wanted me to say. I knew how to say it. But I could not bring myself to type those words. I could not bring myself to send a nude. So instead I sent an old old photo of me. One I saved for me because I liked it. You made a negative comment about it. So why’d I even give an inch anyway? I apologized and you said it was fine that it was nothing I did. And yet the conversation kept going on your trajectory. And I kept getting more and more disgusted. I don’t get it, I don’t. Or more accurately I do get it and I don’t understand how that could be the truth, even though it is. All of me aches to be understood and taken just as I am. Nothing more, nothing less. If you had to exist in world full of people who feel this thing you rarely ever feel then you’d feel broken and defeated too. I promise. Why do those of us who are different have to adjust ourselves to fit into the normal version of the world? Isn’t that just like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole? Impossible. What if I treated you the same way? Blocked you for simply feeling how you feel because it didn’t match how I was feeling in that moment. I’d be the bad guy. And news flash moments change, but you didn’t bother to stick around now did you? I went to bed angry, sad, confused, and knowing (with much more clarity) how asexual I really am. Not sure if I was born this way or if my sexual assault made it so I never got a chance to develop these types feelings properly. In other words I think it’s always been broken. And it will always be broken. Broken and pretending to be whole because zebras can blend in with horses if they paint over their stripes right? I long for the day where I can show my stripes without the exhaustion of explaining why I have stripes at all. What it’s like to have stripes. Or what it means to have stripes? Because I can’t change my stripes anymore easily than you could grow some. And that’s just the way this broken, messy, complicated, beautiful world works.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

There are good people left, they just live half way across the world. Not all of them of course, but the one I really want to see in person does. To kiss, to touch, to hold. Would he be able to cure me? Probably not. But it might be fun to try. We all have ills and truth be told I don’t really know his. But when we hung up he said he thinks the universe will bring us together again, or something like that. And while I hope for more. What I should really do is just accept the now. Accept what happened and relish in the joy of that. The goodness of someone else’s heart. The beauty of someone else’s smile. The complexity of someone else’s mind. May the universe, or whatever powers that be, bring us together again. But if they don’t, I enjoyed getting to know him for the moments I got to. I give him thanks for bringing a little, BIG, joy to my corner of the world. Most importantly of all I thank him for reminding me that it IS possible for someone to like me for who I am.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I deserve to heal from all the hurt you’ve caused me. I deserve someone who loves me and chooses me. I deserve the moon and the stars. I deserve to see in me what you saw. I deserve to love and let go. I deserve apologies I’ll never get. What’s past is past. What happens will happen. All I can control is now and I have very little control at that. Maybe having peace is not possessing it but being able to find it in the not peaceful moments. Maybe it’s the ability to make good out of a bad situation. Maybe it’s being able to push through dark days, not without hurting, by acknowledging that pain is an inevitable part of life. Maybe peace is friends who pick up your calls and talk with you about shit you’ve been through a hundred times for the hundred and first time. Maybe peace is excitement in the possibility of new beginnings. Maybe peace is finding comfort in the uncomfortable. Maybe peace is less of a destination and more of a journey. An acceptance that nothing’s ever going to be fucking perfect. Not even close. But we can strive to have peace in what is, let go of what was, and not worry about what will be. So here’s to finding peace under stones I’ve previously left unturned. Because maybe that’s where it’s been hiding all along.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

What I wish for. I mean if I could go back. I wouldn’t but like hypothetically speaking:

1. I’d hold that little girl’s hand. I’d hold it and tell her it’s going to be okay. Even when she tells me over and over it’s not going to be and I don’t understand. I’d tell her it’s okay to be crushed and feel like the world is ending.

2. I’d tell those adults to call his parents themselves. It’s not my fucking job to inform you where your star swimmer is as a swimmer. It’s just not. Period.

3. I’d listen to what I told you before I walked away and got into my mom’s car. And I’d make sure, I’d make fucking sure, I told you I love you. Because dammit I know you lived but it low key kills me that I can’t remember the last thing I said to you before you tried to take your life the first time.

4. I’d hold you closer. I’d hug you tighter. Because what else is a 17 year old supposed to do when the person they love most in this world tells them “You saved my life”? I’m 30 now and I still don’t know what to do with those four words.

I hope you’re happy. I really do. I hope you’re truly living that life I saved. I hope you’re right and the feelings of wanting to drive your car off a fucking bridge into the water go away. Current me, the needy part of me, wishes to know that you’re okay. Like I tried so fucking hard to get you to tell me every other day in the park next to school. I asked you. I did. And I know that what you didn’t succeed in doing fucked me up into this person who has to double, triple, quadruple check that people are okay. And then not believe them when they answer. I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry that this gets to me still 13 years later. I’m sorry for my tears and my memories. But I’m not sorry for loving you. At 17, through nearly 10 years of circles, now, or even into the beyond I’m not going to be sorry for caring. Somewhere in me is the power to love and let go. But it’s not in me today. Today, and likely tomorrow, all that’s in me is tears. And sometimes we just have to let it all out to move on. Being a sobbing, blubbery, soppy mess IS okay. So I’ll cry and I’ll remember. I’ll lean on my friends. And later I’ll do my best to take what you taught me, the good and the bad, and continue to work on being the very best version of myself. For the girl you lived for deserves to live for herself.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Something about this is so wholesome to me and I love it.

Executive chef at a top Thai restaurant tells Gordon Ramsay that his Pad Thai is trash [x]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

goodnight time goodnight space goodnight stars far from this place goodnight land of two dimensions set aflame with good intentions goodnight weight of all you've done goodnight nobody left but one

[kyluvsyi3w2]

shakespeare wasn't lying that tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow can creep in this petty pace from day to day

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]