labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

I think very often about how the world is ending, maybe I'm just absolutely psychotic and everything is going to be ok, but i really don't think so.

The world is ending and there will be people that will live in this ended new world, and I am truly sorry, I'm sorry that i couldn't stop it, I really really tried but I am very tired, I tried to make people listen, I just want you to know that it was already too late when I came here. Yes, this is a personal apology from me to you, from past to future, because I always wanted to have one, I wanted to find one person in the past who knew what was coming, who tried and who failed, and who was really really sorry for doing so.

So this is mi apology, the world is ending and you can't do anything about it, and you don't deserve it, and I am so sorry i couldn't help you.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

I really am trapped in this body, aren't I? Everything hurts all the time, I don't want to hurt anymore, my limbs are stiff and I can feel my organs crawling around inside of me, twisting. I'm not this pile of flesh, please, release me, I can feel this body decaying but I'm not ready yet.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

I've seen so many posts about how you shouldn't be using your diagnostic as an excuse to do nothing, the so called "learned hopelessness". My self criticizing tendencies really wanted to blame my inability to do some things on a "skill issue", on a supposed "auto indulgence" supported by fake medical reasons, but the thing is, I want to die every single day of my life, maybe not 24 hours, but I think about ending it all at least once a day, that is definitely not very motivational. When every drop of my will, power and energy is destinated to surviving maybe I cannot bother to clean my room.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

When you're really struggling mentally, it's impossible to know if the choices you make are good. It's like when people say, "Don't make decisions in the heat of the moment," but I'm always on fire. I'm never in a neutral state of mind, and I can't tell if I'm suffering because it's just my default state or because I made a mistake. I never know if the problem is me or the situations I put myself in.

What I mean by telling you this is that I hope you understand how important you are to me. Choosing us is the only decision I know for a fact I got right.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

Byung-Chul Han, Capitalism and the Death Drive

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

God gave me the talent and the passion, but he didn't gave me the strength to try.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

And I found myself again staring at the ceiling , thinking about how could the world be this way. I am sick and I do want to get better, I really do and I need you to understand that, but i really think there is no possible way in which I could ignore the context I am in. There is so much wrongness, so much pain, so much suffering, the world is filled with cruelty, with injustice; I've been told so many times that I should not worry that much about the things I cannot change, but they don't understand that the fact itself that I have no influence in what surrounds me constricts my soul. How could I be happy if everything in the world is so depressing. "Love your self, be nice to yourself, believe in yourself" I AM DOOMED SINCE BIRTH, as well as every single one of us, this world set us up for failure, there is no good ending and there is no possible success, everything around us is against us, against our nature, against what we are, I cannot stress enough the fact that there is no possible way of us being both aware and happy in this capitalist society, if you are truly conscious of what is happening I don't see how you could ever be happy and I am so truly sorry about that. I don't believe in mental health because what is making me ill is a so much greatest system, so much enormous than my infamous being, that could never be confronted and I will die without seeing its end.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

Since I was a child I've been afraid of the dark, I'm not anymore, at least in the way I used to, but, when the anxiety is crawling up my throat, my chest feels constricted and my mind seems to crush, I need light, I turn on all of the lightbulbs I can see around me and my pulse slows slightly, might these lamps purify me.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

We're drunk and drowsy and dizzy. I'm sticking my face against the window looking for some coolness that would keep me from throwing up in those ugly taxi's back seats. You are holding my hand to give me some comfort. You are in the same state as me but hide it better, talking to the driver, clearing your throat from time to time to hide gags. I'm staring at the stars in the sky, they are brighter that ever. We're fine, everything is going to be fine, but I will have forgotten it by tomorrow.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

Adrian Piper - Everything Will Be Taken Away (2004)

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

insomnia

remedios varo

1947

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

The devil couldn't reach me so he gave me executive dysfunction.

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

I chew of the skin of my fingers when I'm anxious, it bleeds and over floods, I find it shameful and disgusting, but today it was tasteful enough for a fly. I was about to scare her away when a grotesque thought crosed my mind, I found beauty in this scavenger like relationship, so precious and so beautiful, a so called simple and precarious being feeding of my on going suffering, and in that moment I asked my self, could at least my pain be nurturing?

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

girl who has only the most normal relationship with time and memory and regret and grief

[labyrinth-walls-tiny-worm]

You're looking for someone good?

that is fantastic, I am great I swear, I justs need some time to prepare myself, no no I know that you need it right now, just give me a minute, I'll get my things together trust me. Yeah I'm just cleaning some things... fixing others... you know right? umm...could you hold this? I will be quick I swear, don't worry I'm just... you know... tidying a little bit I'm clearly not the mess I'm in you know? this mess isn't me, yes I know it's a lot I know that I'm a lot but you have to wait just a second, I'll fix it believe me, we all have our little disasters and... oh no! well, that broke really easy...it wasn't that important I'm sure. No no obviously I know that my time is now and that it is passing, I can feel how it rush between my bones and flesh but please, I'm worthy, I worth the time, I can be brilliant, I once was, it's just that it was some time before... and I may or may not have forgotten a thing or two but I promise it is something temporarily. I mean, I could not be broken beyond repair right? could I?, now I just need some time, please give me some time, I could fix it and I know, I truly know that there are thousands of people more prepared than I am but if you just put some of your trust on me... if you have only some patience I know that I can be great again.