lacybunn

[lacybunn]

I know it's been a bit but that's because I got deeppp into eating. Let's plan.

Fast the rest of today

Fast tomorrow

Fast Monday

Tuesday OMAD

Let's stick with this and I'm not breaking it.

[lacybunn]

I need to make a long term plan with my eating because Friday was great but the weekend sucked really bad especially today.

My brain craves flavour and the comfort from it but overeating literally makes me feel ill to the point of nonstop vomiting.

I feel horrid and I need to get a plan together because I hate being in binge purge cycles and it's really horrid for me in a general health view too.

I've gained a sick comfort in vomiting which I need to stop.

Here's the long term plan:

No breakfast and lunch, if I binge at the end of the day it's a lot harder to ruin the wholeee day because I could only eat so much in one sitting. By skipping two meals I also build my sense of self and ability to skip meals.

I need to remind myself the food will still be there if I am patient and it will taste better because it will fulfill my body while also giving a good taste.

Meditation has really helped me, so keeping that and also writing or watching YouTube more often is important because I get stressed at this time of year, leading to mental hunger which can be satisfy.

I need to check in on my general wellness, have I showered, drank enough, had a cup of tea, talked to someone today? Do I need a break? Would I logically tell someone to eat as much as I want to?

Also introducing meals before snacks is important because I can eat a lot of snacks but the cals add up and make more than a meal while making me ill and not satisfied

Also weekly cal budget is now 7000 at most. This means I can eat at most 1000 cals per day, which is a lot but at least a step down from my current state of disorder.

[lacybunn]

I have no friends and even my boyfriend leaves after he notices me vomiting on call even tho that's smth he said he'd be with me through. My ulcer may be back but I get this sick comfort in it. My body is so strong and I don't understand why. Why can't it just give up. I love ever part of my disorder when it gives me the feeling of getting close to death. I feel like I have gotten intimate with death through my disorders with eating, kissed it on the lips, just for it to wither away before taking me out for the winter.

[lacybunn]

I've been vomiting all day and feel like shit but now that it tastes acid and stomach acid is coming out I can stop <3

[lacybunn]

People talk about the binge restriction cycle but I'm more like

Restrict->binge->purge->restrict

I am speed running eating disorders 😭

[lacybunn]

Successful day! I haven't eaten anything all day long so far. I might make it 24 hours because I don't feel full but I'm a bit mad. My mum is still off on how guilty she feels over eating chips yesterday knowing I ate more. She hasn't eaten much today from that and is crying over it which annoys me. She thinks it's healthy to fast a full day after overeating which I completely disagree with. Be as Ana as you want but at least be honest with your disorder.

Anyways: I am going to shower, get some work done, watch some videos, and go online or out on a walk

[lacybunn]

Ok so I've just woken up and I feel well rested, said no to breakfast. Today is going well so far. I had the urge to eat out of my mental hunger, but I told myself I am doing this for habit not for results and my body is already very full.

[lacybunn]

I'm genuinely scared I don't know what's happened to me I've been eating over 3000 cals every single day this week. In this post I'm going to try and capture WHY and realistically what can be done so I get back on track which may not be as extreme as my past, but getting there is what matters.

My mother:

Recently, my mother has gotten the goal of losing weight for her med school reunion. She has a very disordered view of eating and it has me more stressed, competing with her. She actively sabotages me with offering foods that are cal dense so I gain weight so she feels better. I need to recognise this. She also turned this into the home with making less available filling foods which makes me more desperate.

Also, her constant commentary about what I need to do adds unnecessary stress to my life. This pressure builds up into eating, when I am so frustrated at her and holding additional anxiety from her constant directions and pressure that I eat.

Flavors of foods are also an issue. I've reattached myself to the taste of sugar and I am scared of losing that taste again so I tell myself over and over that this will be the last time when it never will be. This leads to more cravings and an unhealthy relationship with sugar. Getting obsessed with flavor makes me want it more.

I have been more generally stressed with ap exams, my bodies fluctuations, and life in general leading to me wanting to seek comfort through my eating. I think I am too far lost to go in the correct direction so I go the opposite way since I think it will make me feel better.

I don't have any plans on what my next day looks like leading to being unprepared when in front of food which leads to more binging.

I walk a bit and that excersise only reinforces my thoughts around eating and the guilt of all the past days.

I restricted too close to the sun and now my body is demanding more than it needs as a result, so I cannot trust its signals. The digestion of my foods and acidic feeling I am now often mistaking for hunger. This is problematic.

I need to set a proper plan then, on how to manage my stress, re value my view on how I get to eat foods; and why I want my goals.

Today I binged because:

-I was craving and thinking about food the night before and was then determined to eat breakfast even though I know eating breakfast personally only worsens my cravings. What I ate was also lacking in nutritional value, keeping me hungry and full of more cravings in exchange for a sweet flavor I didn't enjoy as a body but as a mental craving

-I saw pizza during lunch and could not mentally accept my decision to start being skinny, even though I was capable of skipping the meal I buckled down due to lack of belief in my own self worth. Even though the pizza was mid, this self deprecation led to accepting another slice I didn't even want. I also ate cupcakes because of the extra sweetness and thought that I already failed. I was flavor seeking and wanted the taste of sugar to fulfil me.

-Even though I avoided some hunger cravings at dinner mentally, my mother's persistence to get sweets led to us getting low cal popsicles and chips. I ate the popsicle because I thought as the low cal and sweet option it would scratch my mind, but it didn't since I wanted the salt. Even though the taste of the chips were disappointing, I ate the whole family sized bag with my mom for the satisfaction of it being done and the mental thought of myself indulging rather than actually enjoying myself. This just led to more shame which caused me to eat another low cal popsicle, then another.

Why did I do this and what did I learn?

I have become over passive in that I dont think I have control over myself and my urges. This is wrong. I always have the option to skip and to put the food down. I need to create more actions to do in stead of eating and make food the more out of line option over not eating. I lack a sense of self worth and let my mind control my hunger too much. I also didn't plan my eating accordingly to how I know my body to be.

Tomorrow:

The goal from here on out will always be a fast day. That is the default when such large cal amounts have been consumed. However, trying this out the past few days has been inefficient so the better plan is this:

-If I can at least make it to the end of the day tomorrow I can eat sushi and dumplings, udon noodles, or pasta which are foods I crave and actually want. If I choose to eat otherwise, then I don't get to eat these foods I genuinely desire. Now, there's no reason why I should choose the worse option when waiting is a choice.

-I will sleep in a bit more to not ruminate on skipping breakfast as much. Don't even mention it, and ask myself if I really crave to meditate and focus on how my body feels over my mind. Sugar is overrated and I know it's not satisfying or how I will look at other people eating at school if I eat like that. I'll ask myself if I'd still want the morning sweet if I saw my mother's coffee in the morning.

-lunch is a time to work. I want to be able to relax on the weekend, so lunch time I should be in the media center doing my ap world notes and nothing else. I am already behind a bit so this helps catch up. I can do my job applications if I get bored or don't want to do that. If doing work is bothersome, I can always watch some YouTube videos and listen to music, romanticising my work and getting comfortable or even taking a nap or practicing meditation which would be exciting. I know deep down my stomach hunger I can get over and survive so eating isn't worth it and what is really challenging me is my mental hunger which will lessen the less I eat for the longer period of time. Anyways, what food is at the school that would compare to what I could eat if I make it through the day?

-Going to the film showcase, there's going to be subs and there's going to be even more food when I get there. This is why I come to class later when the bell is about to ring and close my eyes to imagine all the gross subs I hate on the table and how the only one I could deal with (ham and cheese) was made of pig meat that was excess and the screams and grotesque nature of killing pigs. The cheese also probably isn't heated and the sub is not tastier than the foods waiting for me if I behave. Don't be selfish, and let others get their foods while I practice temperance. This isn't food I would be proud of telling someone I ate so don't eat it. I've made it so far.

-At the place when they have food out, I will go to my seat immediately. The food again is not better than the food I could have if I am patient and people will see me as fat if I didn't have a sub but I ate this food. They're small packs of carbs and they won't fulfill me and my mental or physical hunger at that point so don't grab.

-If I do all this, I can go home and up to my room for a nap, watch some videos or movies and even go on vr. I must get all my homework done and at least get to 10000 steps. Also need to take a long and relaxing shower+clean my room and make a plan for tomorrow. I don't need the food at that point, since physical pain was never the hunger so I'm not going to say the noodles or any of that is required but if it really is that much of a struggle that day, after understanding and writing out my emotions and establishing a sense of self worth and peace, I can go ahead as eat.

Also rule: NO SNACKING. If I feel the need to snack, something probably is wrong and if I really need to eat, then get a meal but a snack doesn't actually do anything for me but make me sick and overeat. If I want sugar, don't have the low cal popsicles that don't even taste that good but actually go out for something sweet since at least that way the craving is fulfilled and I don't keep going back for a makeshift way to satisfy that.

I'm going to make a playlist of meditation guides, fun videos, and activities for me to go through instead of eating. I refuse to let a depression or binge cycle take me over.

[lacybunn]

16 hours into a new fast once I make it to 24 my urges to eat will get less strong hopefully

[lacybunn]

I have reflected a lot today and I've come to terms with my long been depression (I know my diagnosis but I try not to accept it) and that's been turning to my eating. It'll go back when I go to school to a routine where I don't need to eat.

[lacybunn]

Currently in a binge cycle I have realized I better stop. I got rid of all the sweets in the house (through eating them all) so it'll be better from here but ok ok my fast starts literally rn and we're bringing back what i eat in a day for double measure 🫶

[lacybunn]

My bed is heaven, the kitchen is hell, and the scale makes the final judgement. I'm a fallen Angel until the sweets are gone </3

[lacybunn]

I almost attempted today and my father was acting up and I binged a LOT from the holidays but I get to skip school tomorrow and start fresh with a fast. Today was a nightmare but I won't dwell on it other than that I survived.

[lacybunn]

My sister is such a wannarex!c same with m!a and it's angers me as someone who is deep in these d!sorders constantly relapsing I know I should sympathise but when she asks for advice to vom!t I just feel so upset

[lacybunn]

Because I already fucked up at literally the first hour of today Im just going to indulge today. I can let it off because it's Easter and I now know I can't go up to 3 days and felt like 4 days fasting which will get a pound out a day so no matter where my weight lays tomorrow I just start from there.

[lacybunn]

I did a weigh in and now I'm 102.6. I've just been gaining and gaining and I know some is water weight and I would be ok if I could just fast the rest of the day but I can't because of stupid Easter. I can maybe get away with just acting annoyed and refusing to eat saying I ate last night and I hate my mothers cooking(I do)

[lacybunn]

I didn't eat the whole meal but I ate a lot of it so I'd say I had around 700-900 cals total which still sucks but better than the whole. I need to fast today but I don't know how.