lazaruswriting

[lazaruswriting]

The Strongest

Delicate snowfall 

Intricate flake 

Azure reflects on all that it touches 

Power beyond mortal comprehension

Beauty far too entangled to break

The force of an avalanche 

The chill of winter

Allure and strength conjoined at last

Frozen by the gaze of an icy phenomenon 

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Enamored

A gentle breeze, the sound of its voice enchants me

As do you before me

Fearsome facade

Gentle soul— a butterfly on a petal

Rain drops after a storm

Vexing me constantly 

I’m addicted to the sensation

Your words wash over me like the sunlight 

I want to get burned

Wrap me up— warm quilt of time

Your hands on mine,

Nothing could be more divine

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Inseparable

A touch of your hand

The kiss of your lips

A blush and a stammer

Beautiful, enchanting, addictive, everlasting

Warm fire of my heart, fan it brighter 

Whisper secrets in the morning glow

Tell me something only I should know

I love you so much

More than even I could ever know 

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

To love

Funny the things we do when we’re enamored 

I have lied,

Killed, 

Maimed,

And betrayed 

All in your name

I want to be needed, I crave to be known

The touch of your hand upon my shoulder feels like a sin

One I desperately wish to wrap myself in

The ebb and flow of your soul is too beautiful even by the hands of God

What a pity that you can not share my perspective

I’m ashamed in my longing for you

You need me you say but that’s not the same as wanting

In all my millennia I’ve never known such torture as this

To see you before me, to withdraw my touch

Id rather take one-thousand lashings 

A drill to my brain

I covet those who’ve known your embrace

Heard your sweet lips mutter their names

Loving you is my demise

My unraveling 

But for you,

I go with a smile on my face

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Lamented

I drink when I’m thirsty— I fuck when I crave it

I selfishly indulge in all the great sins

A mask, a charade— really it’s all the same

Do I even want anything?

Each remedy to my ache is a patch over the gaping cavern of my restless insides

I don’t want, I don’t feel, because the one thing I know to be true,

I’m already dead

Given a second chance, righteous is what they called me

Raised from perdition by holy hands— I was undeserving of such salvation

I’m a wretched debauched mess

The embodiment of undeserving

Once I knew my purpose, 

It was told to me by rotten whisky breath 

Now I am unguided

Feeling in the dark by the hellfire singed tips of my fingers

A white knuckle grip on my steering wheel is the only sure thing

Wheels spin, gravel shifts

Was I ever alive to begin with?

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Cowboys

Two lonely cowboys find salvation on a bench seat

Eyes meet and words exchanged in a barn backdrop setting

Two lonely cowboys question their merit

What becomes of a man if all he thought he knew was flawed and without purpose

One yearns for the other to stay

One convinced he's unwanted

Two lonely cowboys work together to unfold the mysteries of God's putrid plan

They rejoice in small victories— whiskey in front of a fireplace, itching to reach for the others hand

Two lonely cowboys are happy in their dreams

Neither one wanting to face their actuality

Two lonely cowboys who never get what they deserve

One lonely cowboy confesses his truth— a sacrifice made for his vaquero sweetheart

Smile on his face as he meets his eternal rest

A single lonely cowboy left on a dungeon floor

Cold and empty like he never experienced before

He thought he knew loss— naivety looked tacky on the brim of his hat

One lonely cowboy at the world's end

Begging to see his partner again

One lonely cowboy struck in the back— he closes his eyes as he goes with placidity

Two lonely cowboys reunite in the clouds, tentative and careful

Eyes meet and words exchanged

Fingers intertwine at last, away from God's heedful eye

Happiness undoubtedly

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Flames

Fire to me means loss and mourning

Countless hearts burned in her flames

I watched my mother in her embrace

So many others— all met a similar fate

But you

The flames should never have touched your skin— scorched your bones

To turn you to ash is to tear out pieces of my own soul

Returning my being to the stardust

Seeing you burn, wrapped carefully by my own hands in beige sheets

I now know what true grief is

I felt it before, with my mother, my father, and even my brother

But here now, with you

The despair is tangible in my lungs— in the air

I may as well have lived a life devoid of sacrifice

For the punishment of having to watch you crumble to dust

Well,

Even I thought the devil would not be so cruel

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Fearless

You hold my heart in your hand

Why do you seem surprised by that?

I told you before how deep my emotions ran

Countless times in the words I've spoken

Don’t you believe me?

You must know how I see you

Still beautiful,

If to love you is to face all the fears I’ve kept buried

Then I'll consider myself fearless— in front of you, in front of God

For as long as you'll have me by your side— I'd destroy myself easily just to look into your eyes

You're ethereal beyond compare

I love you desperately

Unconditionally

With the utmost care

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

I Need You

You're not worthless to me

So much more than what everyone else sees

Stay

Just stay— I try to say it but it won't come out

Why do you always leave me?

I can't ask you to stay, not with me anyway

I need you means I love you

Can you read between my lines?

You're not a tool for me to use

Am I something more to you?

Does "I'll go with you" mean I love you too?

Not much for praying but for you I kneel

I hope that you feel this too

I'd rather have you

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Untitled

I feel the tears as they stream down my face

I taste the salt

I revel in their warmth

I embrace the ache

I wish that they would drown me

I find ecstasy in the constricting of my heart

I sense relief in my despair

I am neither living nor dead— purgatory calls to me

I answer

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Empty

My dreams manifest in shades of blue and black

Sometimes I love you

Most times I can't

Reality is so bitter

A cruel oozing grin

What use is an answer in a room full of despair

Closing my eyes I see your smile

And God how I wish to hold on for awhile

You're a creature of holy light and I'm but a man

In my mind I reach out— I save you as you did me

In reality I stand still and let you push me

My disbelief is quiet and terrified

My grief is palpable

My love is a death sentence

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

From Perdition

Deserving is not a word I ever associated with myself

I begged for a savior—sobbed for an end

I did not think anyone was listening

I am a man—an instrument of destruction

I've only known wrath, duty, and decay

I was impure and you saved me

I am sin incarnate and you raised me

I push aside the dirt from my grave and I stare at the motionless sky

I am alive

But I don't deserve it

Who are you?

My savior

Who are you to decide I am worthy?

These hands that tortured and maimed now grasp desperately at my body risen—shaking in their disbelief

I am forgiven

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Bewitched

Concealing imperfections— I do it for you

Carefully choosing just the right dress

Do you notice?

Rehearsing my lines for the show I must perform

Will you play your part?

I want to be pretty for you

I want to be perfect

Desirable

Lovely

You need only to be you

Please, will you look at me

Spare me a smile?

Every twitch of your finger or fidget of your hand— I study it under my microscope called devotion

Do you know what I'd do for you?

You need not ask

You need not even speak

For I, in all my loyalty would die at your command

You've bewitched me

Every atom of my being sings to your name

If only you would feel the same for me

Please, oh please

Just once

Won't you smile at me?

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

You and I

You were warm shades of green and blue— like a serene nature walk

Beautiful and wise

I was a bleak greyish brown— vast empty fields

Lifeless and dull

You were sunlight on a warm patch of grass

I was mud on the freshly cleaned carpet

You were laughter and light

I was tears and darkness

You were beautiful

I was ugly

Oh! How we loved each other

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

to be loved

Desperation has clutched her sickly hands around my neck

She won't squeeze too hard because she knows that I don't truly believe she's there

I convince myself that what I feel is no more than an itch—one I can't seem to alleviate

Desperation to be loved

Desperate to love another

She knows the chasms of my heart better than I know how to blink

With each lying breath I take, her grip seems to tighten

She whispers to me, like a mother in a church— all the things I've ever wanted

But I am deaf to her voice

I am blind to her image

I live in willful ignorance

I do not want to be loved

I do not want to love another

Desperation laughs— a whistling tune

She knows I am a liar

I do too

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Nana

Sitting on the living room couch— stained, crusted, and filthy from use

I look at you and I'm content

The tv plays one of our shows

Life isn't perfect but you feel like home

We laugh together— we sit in silence

I ask you for advice

You show me how to cook, how to clean

I listen to your stories

You hear about my day

Always there for me— I love you so much

He yells at you, your feelings not acknowledged

I hate to see you shake with rage and sadness

You never stand up for yourself— should I?

Your body gets weaker, your mind seems to wither

Whispers of how long echo in my room after dark

I can't look—ignorance is my haven

I love you so much

You hug me and you smell of death

Your hands which once revered me with love now felt like paper as they brushed against my arm

I watch you scream to no one—to anyone

And I am afraid

Not of you but of the way I feel

The deep pit of despair that opens in my chest threatens to consume me

I never tell you how my travels went

I never show you the pictures that I promised

I don't think you remember asking anyway

You look at me and your eyes fix on the wall

Ms cellophane

I swallow as my throat constricts and my eyes water

I love you so much

I look at a stranger and you do too

Another confused scream—I turn my back and cry

I gaze into your coffin

Face made up to look asleep—peacefull at last

I sob and pray to deaf ears

I wish I had told you how much I loved you

I hoped that you could hear me

I know that you can not

I miss you for months

For years

Forever

I wake in the night, shaking and teary

The ghost of your image haunts my dreams

I wish I had told you how much I loved you—

I beg for your forgiveness

I fall to my knees and whisper my apologies

But you can't hear me

Nobody can

I love you so much

ANNIE

[lazaruswriting]

Folie

Alone in my room I think of nothing

I try not to want

I try not to hope

Aspirations pick at back of my mind— begging to be whispered into the stale air

A shiver

An urge

It's pointless

Nothing has ever come out of dreaming except a delusional sense of purpose— a facade that we choose to believe

Alone in my room I think of everything

I want

I hope

I have nothing

Folie

ANNIE