lazerbeamzlifeblog

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

Lol I have come out 3 years later and living my best life. These old posts I cannot relate anymore.

Still no boyfriend though.

3. May. 2023

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

Being gay.

It’s Pride Month so there is no other perfect time to write about how I feel than now. It’s not celebratory though. It’s a venting of my frustrations that hopefully if anyone even bothers reading it, will understand how I feel.

My name is Lawrence, and I think I am gay. I said before many times that I am bisexual, but the more I think about it, I am unsure. I definitely know that I am into guys. It’s just, idk if I do like girls the same way I am into guys anymore. Maybe I only like guys and I was just fooling myself into thinking I like girls too because it felt easier. Maybe it made me feel “normal” because since I can’t get a boyfriend, at least it would be easier to find a girlfriend and maybe I won’t die alone in the end. And now I’m realizing, even if I did get a girlfriend, would I be happy? Cos it would definitely be different than if I were married to a man. I can see myself being happy with a man, but I can’t picture that with a woman. I don’t even consider that. I only imagine myself being married to a man someday so that means something, right? It’s very confusing and I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. 

I have been starting to watch more LGBT content and it has made me confront myself more and who I am. I watched “Weekend” and just finished “Love, Victor” by the way and they were amazing. It’s just, they also made me really sad. Even “Love, Victor” made me sad when it is a joyful show for teens and I am 22. So, I think the only way to make myself feel better is to talk about it. They like to paint a picture of being gay as something that when you come out, everything becomes happy again. And I agree, that is true. But what happens after they do that on the tv or movie, hasn’t happened to me yet. 

I find being gay as being very lonely and isolating. I am not completely out yet. All my friends know, and that was easy because I knew they wouldn’t judge me and even if they did, I would just find new friends. Heck, my best friend is gay and has a girlfriend. It’s just, I never told my parents. And that, to me, still imprisons me. I feel I can’t be truly happy yet until they know.

But they can’t know, not yet at least. My parents are strict, filipino Catholics. All of my immediate family are as well and close friends of theirs are too. Being gay is something to be laughed and no one takes it seriously. They mistake gay men as men that want to be females. They do not see men that truly loves men and dismiss it altogether. I am too afraid to come out to them. I am afraid they won’t accept me, that they will abandon me and never speak to me again, maybe kick me out since I still live with them and/or send me to a conversion camp to “change.” So, I am so afraid that I am afraid to be myself. I decided a long time ago, that if I were ever to come out, I would have to do it when I am living on my own and that is my plan, but just the moving out part. I plan to move out as soon as I graduate after this final school year. Coming out, I am still unsure of. I know the sooner I do it, I’ll be able to be free and start to be happy. But, I am afraid of what will happen. Am I going to tear apart my family? Am I going to destroy what little life I have left? Cos I don’t have someone else to lean on if I don’t have them. I have friends, but I am not confident I can lean on them for support if I no longer have a relationship with my parents. 

Even with not being completely out, I can’t seem to find anybody. All the boys I liked turned out to be straight and have girlfriends. I even spent a day with one boy who I thought would finally be the one. He asked me if he wanted to go go-karting with him on the weekend and I said it’s a bit far and asked him if he could give me a ride and he said yes. I spent the whole day with him and honest to god, it was the best day of that whole year for me, and it still is after. I mistaken it for a date somehow. I guess I just got so infatuated with him, after spending so much time with him riding in his car and talking with him and learning about his life. He is such a good person. He is wicked smart, he takes really good care of his family, and he is so freakin’ hot. I mean, that was why I liked him in the first place, but once I started to learn more about him I fell for him more and more. I decided to try and find out if there was a chance we could be together at some point in that day. I got us to start talking about relationships, and it sunk me. He had ex-girlfriends and doesn’t at all seem interested in me, let alone boys. I liked him so much, that once I figured out he was straight I completely broke down inside but carried on smiling as he took me home. I was so infatuated with him, that I failed to see that the way he treated me wasn’t special, he treated everyone the same. He was just a very respectable man. And even though I feel so heartbroken, I still love him and that is a cruel, cosmic joke. And I feel as though I am always going to love him because I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop imaging what it would be like to be with him and holding hands and kissing and sleeping with him in his apartment. I want to stop thinking about him, but I can’t.

The other boys, all seem to have girlfriends. Every time I think some guy is interested in me, that happens. I think I am so obsessed with being in a relationship that I warped reality and tricked myself into thinking any act of kindness from a guy that is more than just politeness, means they like me. I tried dating apps like Tinder and Grindr, but nothing ever came out of it. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lonely and the more I think about it, the more the void screams for me. Like, death doesn’t seem too bad anymore and actually seems great. 

I have depression and struggled with it for a long time. And I think by now, I realize the source of my mental illness. My inability to be myself since I can’t come out, and my inability to find a partner and somehow put all my self-worth into finding a partner when I should be happy with myself at least. So, I think I am just now realizing why I am so obsessed with my hunt for a partner. Cos if I did, my depression would finally be over and I can stop thinking about wanting to die. And that is a dangerous proposition.

It isn’t discussed enough about mental illness in LGBT youth. I think a lot of us are suffering as I am, and it isn’t being spoken enough. The depression, the loneliness, the isolation. Coming out will not be enough for me. Finding just my first boyfriend seems impossible. And I feel dragged to black holes that eat me alive until I fix this somehow. I don’t know what to do.

I think I plan to move to Orlando, where there is a higher chance of finding a partner for me unlike the Jacksonville area. But then again, this is my naive brain talking. I do not know what will actually happen. I just feel really lonely. And when I feel lonely, I get really sad. And becoming really sad, just makes me want to die. And I want this cycle to end. I hope someone, whoever reads this, can understand. 

21. June. 2020. LF.

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

Choices.

I find myself constantly reviewing and revisiting times in my life when I made decisions for myself, especially ones that I didn’t quite know at the time were pretty big for me.

I think about like going to college. Where I chose to start was a community college and I was upset about it. It wasn’t exactly my choice. I did it out of guilt and shame for my parents. Ultimately, it’s your life and your own fault so I blame myself most of all for succumbing and giving in. I didn’t like it. I still don’t at times. Even going on to University, it isn’t my choice still. I caved in. I didn’t go where I wanted to go. Yet, I became successful. I became Valedictorian of my community college then a year later became an intern at one of the biggest, most competitive companies in the world. So, I go over in my head, constantly pushing and pulling myself apart. I tear myself apart over thinking if I did things “right”, and what does it even mean to be right? Like, I became successful and all, but I also sacrificed the part of life of being a real college student. I lost the part of my life of knowing what it was like living on your own in college, having your own place and learning how to take care of yourself without your parents. I feel cheated in knowing that part of life was ripped away from me. And then I envy the people who got both. The people that got to live on their own and party and still be successful. And I can’t seem to find both. It’s like I was given two choices and I can’t have both so I picked one but I wanted it all. And maybe I can, but I don’t know how. I think to myself, if I did go the different route and moved to UCF, would I still have been able to achieve what I have today? And I think, no. But a part of me also thinks, fuck that. I’d rather have myself shitfaced every weekend and graduate with debt and nothing at times over what I have because life is short and you don’t live forever so you better fucking enjoy what you have now. I became the person I thought I wouldn’t when I was younger. I chose a career over everything else and it feels like everything is falling on top of me. Every mistake, every flaw, every regret. 

I think to when I’m 30. Who will I be? Did I change at all? Have I grown at all as a person, as a human being? Or am I still the boring, work all the time person? Will things ever be better than they are now? Will I ever think more than I do now? I want to know. I want to become a person that finally has some answers to questions I ask all the time. 

I feel alone. I feel like I will never meet anyone because they either don’t like me or doesn’t like guys at all. I feel that no one ever liked me that way and that hurts. I was always just the friend. The funny, nice friend. Never someone you thought of having a relationship with or going anywhere more than friends or even just a one-night stand. “I am just a toy that people enjoy till all of the tricks don’t work anymore.” I wish somebody liked me.

24 November. 2019. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

inadequacy

I have to vent again.

I have had all these feelings and thoughts that has been consuming me all day. I have had a very long talk with a very important person from the company I work in. It was a talk that has stuck with me since then. 

You see, I will try my very best to deconstruct these things, but it will probably come out in an incoherent mess so hang on.

I have always had this problem where I can’t handle criticism of any kind. Whether it is constructive or not, whether it is advice to just help me, I take it the wrong way and very personally. I learned a lot, but I always redirect those things to myself. I always take it as subtext that there is a problem with me, that I am not doing any of the advice outlined before me. I take it as a threat. So, I felt terrible after the talk. It was supposed to be just a teaching moment, but I can’t help but feel that there is something wrong with me. Couple that with my natural tendency to compare myself to others, is a toxic cocktail. The thoughts running through my mind were basically that I am an inadequate engineer and that my co-worker is better than me. I know that the work I am given is harder than his, but I never think of that because my superiors don’t even acknowledge it all. They always say that he is doing a great job. They never say it to me. The most frustrating thing: I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to improve. I feel as if the more questions I ask, the more incompetent I look like. So, I try to not ask questions. However, I don’t know what I am doing, so how can I ever complete my assignments if I don’t ask? My co-worker seems to be doing very well, he doesn’t ask nearly as many questions as me and when he does, they are very thoughtful, good questions. Whenever I ask questions, they always seem to think that I should have already known that. They don’t take into account that I am a year below him in terms of our degree progression. They don’t take into account that this is my first internship and that he has already had one before so he has some experience. I can’t complain. I know how this game is played. I am already an incompetent employee, if I complain then I think they’ll have enough reasons to fire me. The best thing I hope for is that I get switched to a new area and new job to do. I can’t stand my assignments. I hate having to spend an indefinite amount of time on an assignment. I want assignments that I can do quickly and work in a fast paced environment. I don’t like working on reviews that take forever and when they’re finally done, my mentor has to like completely revise it and it becomes almost completely different than what I made. I hate the job that I am doing and I want to work someplace else. But I don’t even know if I can ask that. I have only been working 2 months and it’s not like I have glowing performance reviews, what leverage do I have? And, I will have to be doing this all school year since I am working part time. I don’t want to ask to switch if it means losing my offer to work part time. All I can do is wait it out and put up with this until I either get fired or they allow me to switch. 

This takes me to my other problem. I have realized that goals never really end. Once I accomplish one goal, another one comes up. For example, I thought for a long time that I just needed an internship and it’ll be smooth sailing. That once I start working, everything will be fine and if I continue working there, I’ll be offered a job before I graduate. Wrong. I started working this internship, and I realize how fucking hard it is. There is so much to learn and to retain. My job is not easy. It is hard to compete with my peers who are all brilliant with lots of experience. I feel like I am failing. The goals never end. I realize now that I have to either prove myself or last long enough to switch to a job in the company that I would actually enjoy doing. I realize in the adult world, we are all competing for the same things. Goals never end, only becomes reference points of what we have done and what we are able to do. Comparisons never end. I thought I was at the top of my class, I got an internship with one of the biggest Aerospace companies in the world. Now, I am being compared to my peers and I am at the bottom of the totem pole once again. If I manage to survive the climb, I will start at the bottom again for whatever. It seems if I do, then the climb is through levels of engineers: 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. And management levels. Then, I’m sure something will arise from that. What? Competition with whole companies but CEO against CEO? What is after that? See. It all makes me dizzy and frustrated and upset that once I finish one thing, another task arises for me to complete. I can never just finish one thing and be content and finally rest. Worst thing, I cannot question this. This is how companies work in the real world, no matter what field. Business is cutthroat, much more scary and harder than anything depicted in any medium. I fear my days are numbered, the only power I have is using this internship to get to work at any of the companies my company is competing against. My only way of preservation if this ends is through betrayal. 

Getting used to this system is a rude awakening. 

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

What No One Tells You About Being Gay

Hello. My name is Lawrence. Today is the last month of Pride Month, and I can’t help but think about something that has been on my mind for a long time but has finally just come into fruition in my mind. I can now, hopefully, put it into words what I think and feel now after much needed growing up. I think this is at least something I have not seen in mainstream media (or at least enough) about what it is like to be gay, so I am going to tell you.

I am a man and I am bisexual. However, I would say most of my crushes are 90% men and 10% women so pretty much gay haha. I haven’t always known that I was bi, but I always knew there was something different about me. I just didn’t figure it out until high school. I always liked girls. Then in freshman year of high school, I realized I was looking at boys and was enjoying what I was seeing. I wanted to know what it would be like to hold their hands, to kiss their lips, to be close to them. Being raised in a strict religious household, I tried to ignore my feelings and made myself think I didn’t really mean it. I spent freshman through junior year of high school struggling with my identity while acting happy go-lucky. I made myself try to look at girls more and to be turned on by them more than boys but it didn’t work of course. Senior year was when I started to realize I was bi and I slowly tried to make sense of it and accept it. Today, I am a junior in college and I have accepted who I am.

Yet, it is still very hard being a gay man even after accepting my sexuality. Especially for someone who lives in the South of the USA. Ok, I accepted who I am, what’s next? I can start dating. Ok, who? This is the problem. Maybe it’s my own fault or something, but I cannot find anyone to date. All the guys I like turn out to be straight and have girlfriends. And that’s me when I bring up the courage to even find out. How do you even go about asking? I have asked “are you straight?” and that still feels obvious why I am asking that. Most of the time, I don’t even have to ask because I see a ring on their finger or they just mention they have a girlfriend. It feels like I am the only gay man living in the South. 

I resorted to dating apps like Tinder and Grindr, even though I was 99% sure nothing meaningful was going to come out of it. I knew it was just for hook-ups and nothing more, no serious relationships. The guys I talked to on Tinder don’t want to respond to me, don’t want to meet me, don’t want anything to do with me even when we match. The guys I want to meet up with on Grindr don’t like me back and the only ones who do are people much older than me or people who just want to use me for my body, which I know I can’t be upset about since that is the whole point of the app so I don’t know why I am looking for love in all the wrong places. The guys I meet on campus and elsewhere, always straight somehow. Maybe my standards are too high or something, maybe I am too superficial. No one tells you how isolating and lonely you can feel from using those dating apps. I wish they did. 

So, I think maybe I should move somewhere else like LA or New York where it is most likely I can find an attractive, gay man. But do I really have to move to find love, isn’t love everywhere? Why do I feel isolated and alone and why do I blame my sexuality for feeling like this? You can be gay in the South, doesn’t necessarily means all the gay men here are out too. Maybe the guys I like do like me too, just isn’t ready yet to come out yet. It hurts to see so many couples and not getting to have what they have. I just want a man to hold. I want to kiss him. I want to be his. But I can’t even find one. What do I do?

I didn’t know the hard part was actually finding someone, not the coming out part. I thought the world would open up for me, not close up even more. I learned that I needed to have tough skin if I was going to fully embrace who I am, but I didn’t know I needed tough skin for this also. For all the unrequited feelings and rejection and heartbreak. I feel like I am never going to find someone. I don’t know why in the movies and tv shows the gay boy always somehow has his crush likes boys too and out of all people, the main character. That they get to be together and that everything is convenient, everyone is here at the right time and the right place for my life to move forward. My life is not like that. I know I can’t be the only one experiencing this, so I put this out for everyone that feels like this too. 

30. June. 2019. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

20s confusion

I remember when I was young being told to chase your dreams and to never give up until you make it. As I grew older, more shades have been added to it that it all becomes confusing. 

You can have dreams, but they should be realistic. If you have been doing it a long time, maybe you should try something else. The hardest thing is not failure but to be able to continue after failure. But how do you know if something is really meant for you or if it wasn’t, then how do you find something else and what is it? Is it just a grown-up thing to realize to move on and find something else? But wouldn’t you ever think back and regret not trying more, think that if you held on just a little longer that you would have done it and maybe things would be different? If only life wasn’t just once, or we can remember past lives if that is a thing. I would like it that way so I can see all the different ways my life could have been from multitudes of decisions, to see every parallel universe unfolding in my mind. Alas, all we have are dreams. 

25. May. 2019. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

the most transformative year

In my developed pretentiousness and bloated sense of ego, I have seemed to make it a habit to review the past year in light of the new year despite being a literal fetus. I also do this for my birthday, but I detest thinking on that day to avoid thinking how much closer to death I am, which has seemed to grow into another habit of mine. As always, life imitates art (or more so I confuse plagiarism with flattery), which means sometimes I quote from songs, films, and tv shows without actually using quotes so don't mind me please. I haven't started that process yet, so don't worry about the previous statements.  There are two things I in review I always say to myself: that I have done nothing of value all year and that the next year will be worse than the last. This holds both true and false value of various degrees for 2018, depending on how I look at it. In 2017, I traveled to Italy and explored Rome, Florence, and Venice. I changed majors and found something I was comfortable doing (hopefully, I love my engineering classes so far). I spent as much time with my best friend that I could and explored parts of my state I have never been to before. I worked two jobs. I did a lot and didn't think the next year could live up to it and it would be worse for a huge glaring reason I will go into detail later. 2018 changed a lot for me. I quit one job and left the other job because I graduated from that college. I graduated as valedictorian and then transferred to University. I managed to form new friendships despite my shyness and mindset that I would never make another friend again after the previous year. They don't handle a candle to her, but it was a start to feeling normal, or growing up. I returned to California and spent blissful, relaxing weeks there. I managed to transition into University nicely by getting most of the grades I wanted. I landed the internship I've been pining for 2 months since applying.  That all sounds rather boring, so let me go straight to what has made the last year the most transformative: my mental health. I have had depression for at least 5 years, if not more. It was hell. It was never fun. I never asked to have it, but I had it anyway. If you asked me how I have it, I still wouldn't be able to muster a coherent, sensible answer to give you. It was light at first, just sad thoughts here and there. But that's how it worked for me. It slowly grew into a monster that drained the life from me with each passing day. I had flames inside my head that I couldn't put out. I tried everything, and they were temporary band-aids. I wrote poetry. I listened to music, though not particularly constructive since I can only listen to music according to my mood and since I was depressed most of the time, well. The thing that helped the most during this period was talking to my best friend. The only one that truly understood my pain and whom I confided in all my most painful thoughts. This person was my life support, my plug, my life. Still is in many ways.  Yet, the pain remained. The wound festered and rotted my brain. The quiet flames burned white. I thought most of the time of wishing for death and going through each possible method until finally settling for death in sleep, not by pills or anything, just is, because it could never be ruled as intentional and I would be unaware of it. I desired death, but didn't want to be aware it was happening to me. Hypocritical, right? I thought about how worthless I felt. I always compared myself to others and wished I was somebody else, well, more like having their certain qualities. I thought about how ugly I am. I thought about how stupid I am. I thought about how physically weak I am. I felt like nothing. I thought I was nothing. I thought about how much of a loser I was. All my friends were able to leave their house without having to ask for permission or being able to stay out until 2 AM in the morning while for me, I always had to like ask in advance from my parents and I could never stay out past 9 PM. I always pitied myself, then thought about how other people had it worse in other countries then hated myself even more for complaining and feeling selfish. Then, I would go back and forth with myself with these arguments of how pain isn't a competition and that you're allowed to feel that way and always arguing with myself and no one else that ultimately got me nowhere to feeling better about myself. My thread to life barely hung in the air and my instinct for survival was practically gone. I constantly wondered if it ever truly got better. I thought that life was meaningless and that there is no God. This is all coincidental. When I die, that is it. I just cease to exist. And that made it even worse. I thought, who cares. Life is pointless.  The thoughts got darker over time. I wrote more poetry and the writing got better, even when I was deteriorating. Yet somehow, towards the end I had a sudden seed of desire to get better. I wanted to get better. I don't know where the sudden feeling came from. The seed slowly grew until I acted on it in September of 2018. I paced back and forth of the counseling center for weeks before. I debated in my head whether I should go in or not. I wanted to go in, but the flames inside my head burned me and convinced me I didn't need it. I confused my depression for regular sadness that everyone experienced and thought it was normal. I told myself that even if I got medication, my internal problems would still remain there and that pills couldn't take them away, that I would just be a drug addict clinging to pills because they would be the only thing that made me feel anything. I told myself that I was selfish and that my problems weren't real problems and that my depression was all in my head and other people in other countries had it worse. These were the things I constantly grappled with in my head when I considered therapy for at least a year.  I finally worked up the courage and just thought, just try it and if I don't like it, I need not ever commit. And I did.  The first few sessions were the hardest. Besides my best friend, I never went into detail of what I was feeling. I never explained the depth of my emptiness, sadness, pain, and anger at everyone and the world and myself for feeling the way that I am and for just existing. To fully divulge myself over the course of several weeks was extremely cathartic. I felt like I was unleashing a dam that have never been broken and was just pouring and pouring ever bit of emotion and feeling I have never done in such a way before. It was both freeing and hard. I felt comfortable sharing, but it was also hard for the words to come out. I always thought, if I speak it into existence, it becomes real and true. And I never wanted to admit my demons. I never wanted to admit my problems and how I struggled everyday just to get out of bed and do things. I was most afraid of what they were going to do with me if I admitted my suicidal thoughts. I was afraid they would call my parents and I would be committed to a  mental hospital and all my dreams were over. I thought if that would to happen, I might actually do it and off myself. Once they told me that it was ok to admit my feelings and that my parents were never called the next day, I realized I could relax and that I can actually do this. The first few sessions were the darkest.  Once I started medication two months after, I had an extremely quick reaction to it. I begun to feel level-headed within two days of taking it. I didn't feel happy, but I didn't feel depressed. It was a balance I never actually knew for more than 2 days at most at a time. It expanded into a week that turned into months. My suicidal thoughts became almost nonexistent. The most it ever became was just wanting to not exist for a period of time and return when I am ready. I didn't think about death every day. I hardly do anymore really. I hardly feel sad either. I just feel level-headed most days. This is the strangest and most surreal feeling I have ever had. I'm still not sure what to make of it. All I know is that, I am grateful for the progress I have made. I never truly thought I was going to get better. I thought I would feel sad forever until I die. Don't get me wrong, I do not think my depression has gone away. Just that I have a better grip at controlling it now. I am now able to recognize that my suicidal thoughts weren't actually normal. It takes a lot to make me sad or upset, unlike before when all it took was one tiny mishap for me to fully blow over into the darkest of depressive episodes. It took like a month before I felt sad again and it only lasted for like 2 days at most. And it was never on the level of my normal depressive episodes. It was very light and I actually thought positively that the next day will be better. And it did.  I can still enjoy my sad music and movies without actually getting sad or having to be sad, which is strange to me. I can somehow feel happy even with hearing the most depressing of music. I still enjoy watching dark shows and getting deep into it. When I do get sad, however, the biggest point is thinking of how, maybe I should be doing something else. I have a feeling that I don't actually know what I am doing, I am just making things up as I go and going along with whatever is happening. It can get quite existential. But also beautiful. I think there is a beauty in not knowing what you are doing. The more mistakes you make, the more you learn. And you get to enjoy the things along the way. I appreciate more of the little things. I look forward to sundays where I spend time with my family. I love my family more. I enjoy my walks in the town center. I love sitting on benches and listening to my music and watching people and cars pass me by. I imagine I am in the movies sometimes and add a dreamy quality to my every day life. I enjoy laying down in the gym in between breaks of doing reps. I compare myself less to people and find value in myself again. I don't hate myself as much as I used to anymore, if I still do. One thing that has changed that I don't quite enjoy, is the lack of writing. Ever since I have gotten better, I have been writing less and less. I don't know if my writing in the first place was a result of my depression or if I actually had a talent for it and now I'm beginning to question if I am a writer at all. How do people make art when they aren't sad? How does that happen? I have hardly ever written anything without feeling depressed. So, who am I then? Do I have to lose a part of myself that I enjoy for me to be happy? I guess there is always a price for everything. The other thing, that has made 2018 particularly sad, was that it has been a whole year without seeing my best friend. I still find myself, even with my mental health at its best it has ever been, feeling sad whenever I think about it has been so long and not knowing when I will see my best friend again. A lot of good things has happened to me, but this is an enormous thing that I still face often. When I hear particular songs, walking from class to class, in the store, at home. And that is when I write again. I think it is some cruel cosmic joke that I can be happy, but also not have one thing that I would trade anything for. I don't know. I'm not perfect. I never was. 

1. January. 2019. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

jaded.

im tired.

it’s been a crazy semester and im halfway through. it’s been fun, kind of. but I feel so overwhelmed. everyone is telling me these things that I should be doing. I should be volunteering. I should join clubs. I should get internships. I should go out and meet new people. I should figure out everything and know who I already am and im just tired of it. how am I supposed to figure everything out already when I hardly even lived. im only 21. im barely out of high school, halfway through college. most people at 30 doesn’t even know what they want to do with their life!! how can you expect me to know already?

I just want everyone to shut the fuck up and let me get by on my own pace. 

18. October. 2018. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

loser.

hi guys. its been a few months. gonna update on a few things. then ultimately vent on my feelings like always.

started at a new school for the last time, transferred from community college to university. it is a big change. so much harder than where I came from but somehow, im surviving so far. made a couple of friends. they’re nice I guess. and we help each other, doing projects together and studying. I wish they were ‘smarter’ than me so I could ask for help instead of helping. not to say that I think im smart or anything, I will never think that no matter what people say to me. I just always seem to be helping people more than people helping me, like always. that never changed. I mean, nobody wants to help take care of me so why should I care about myself or what happens to me if no one gives a shit about me anyway. sorry, im not really pissed at them or anything. I guess generally im pissed at everything.

I thought my 20s would be exciting, or at least better than this. I thought I would have more fun, go to parties and have friends to hang out with outside of school. nope, hasn’t changed. I still go home everyday and live with my parents. I do my homework. I drive two hours everyday commuting back and forth so that is new. not what I want. I have an 8am class with no other time besides that so I wake up 3 hours before to get there on time. I thought I would meet someone and finally be in a relationship but all my sign readings are way off and nobody actually likes me so there’s that. 

I started counseling. it’s really nice, I think it’s one of the few things I actually look forward to in my life currently. it makes me feel good to talk to someone without fear of judgement. I feel good being able to talk freely without someone telling me that im doing something wrong and that their way is the only just way because that makes me very unhappy and depressed and I just feel like dying. 

I think of dying frequently. I wish I was dead already. being dead would allow me to not think anymore of how much of a loser I am. always at home doing homework and chores. then i’ll graduate one day, get a job, and retire and die alone. yeah, whoever said life is a gift, yeah all that is worth it to be alive motherfucker! 

I pray frequently for the Lord to take my life already because all this worrying about failure and what to do next and never being who I truly am is fucking exhausting. I just want it all to end and stop existing. 

27. September. 18. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

ignored.

i am jealous. i am envious. i am ignored. i am used.

why is it that i always do things for everyone else, but when i want something i am ignored? i always have to do this and i have to do that. i wanted to move to university. i was shamed and made to feel guilt until i gave up that to live at home. my neighbor’s son got to move to university and even though his parents miss him, they are ultimately proud of him and are happy for him. why can’t that happen to me? am i undeserving? am i unworthy?

my opinion doesn’t matter. what i think doesn’t mean shit. i am always forced to do things i don’t want to do. if i go against it, i am emotionally manipulated until i do what they say. they make me feel guilt by saying things like “oh of course, you don’t care about your brother, he is only your half-brother” and shit like that. well, doesn’t anyone care about me? am i nothing in this family? does anything i do mean anything anymore? 

i always try to never intervene in family arguments. because ultimately what i say doesn’t mean jack shit. no one couldn’t care less what i have to say. so why should i offer my thoughts if it’s just going to be ignored anyway? 

i am not excited about the future. i used to be. i have college paid off for essentially. i have good grades. i can get a job easily when i graduate, regardless of what they have to say. but all i can think of is the reality. i have to get up very early to drive to school to sit through traffic. i’ll have so much homework that i am unsure of how i am going to handle that along with driving at least 2 hours everyday. i feel like i am going to die of exhaustion. i feel like either i’ll barely make it or die trying. why can’t people see i have needs too? 

im always told that if i have a problem, i can tell them. but whenever i do, they just chalk it up to me not appreciating what i have and to get over it. this is why i don’t bother talking about anything with them anymore. i can never complain. i don’t have the right to feel sad because everything is given to me. mental illness is not real. i am weak.

why doesn’t anyone care about me?

5. July. 2018. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

nostalgic

do you also get nostalgic from time to time?

i think nostalgia is a funny little, strange feeling. it’s a mixture of pain and joy, a bittersweet combination. i go down a hole of flurrying euphoria re-experiencing a certain situation that quickly devolves into a confusing mess of longing to return to the past and lastly, shutting down. i just try to shut it off as fast as i can before i end up loathing myself for several days or weeks, success of which varies. 

there are certain songs, movies, and memories i can’t linger on too long before nostalgia hits me with its waves. for example, i started to watch clips of ladybird and i went through all the emotions. ladybird is a complicated movie for me. it hits all the notes of my real life, a little too on the nose i might add. i feel less lonely knowing other people can create art in which they go through the same things i do and that makes me feel a little bit better. but through that understanding, i also get sad at parts of the movie where in those parts, i never got and it makes me wish i did, but i feel like i never will. on a personal note, it was the last thing i did with my best friend so i associate it with her. it brings me joy, remembering the last time i was with her. and it also brings me pain, not knowing when i will see her again and the future looks precarious to me now. so, i can barely stand to watch that movie. i love that movie so much. it is a masterpiece. but, i just can’t because of personal reasons. i can’t watch call me by your name again but that’s for a different reason. it brings me shame in that i think i can never be confident enough to be brave like elio and oliver. i think i will never get what they have because i feel that i am undeserving. the only way for me to be that way is when my parents are gone from this world and by then, i think it’s too late. who would want to be with me then?

26. June. 2018. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

autonomy

im tired of being powerless over my own existence.

i don’t know what it’s like to have at least some sort of degree over yourself. i feel like i’m always going to be told what to do for the rest of my life. it makes me jealous seeing other people my age and younger being able to do what they want to do. im 20 years old and have no say in anything. im barely holding on. im jealous of my neighbor from across the street for having the permission to move away to university. his parents will miss him but they support him. am i undeserving to have that kind of support? what did i do? have i not done enough? i beat everyone to become valedictorian of my community college. i won the most scholarships during senior year of high school. i always came home on time and took care of my younger brothers. i guess that doesn’t mean shit.

i guess this is where i get my hopeless attitude. no matter what i do, everything remains the same. i get nothing. while other people that hasn’t done much get more. why can’t i just die already? im tired of being alive. im tired of feeling pity for myself. just cut the cord and let me go. 

why can’t i just get better? when will i stop being treated like shit? i just feel like my “success” doesn’t mean shit. it all feels meaningless to me. being alive is a joke. i was always disillusioned to think i had any control over myself.

i see pictures of friends enjoying life. going to festivals, going to parties, studying together in the library or just hanging out at the dorms or whatever. it makes me sad knowing i’ll never get to have that. it makes me sad college was just studying and no fun. and then i’ll get a job, and work until i retire. then i will wait until i die. you can’t blame me for thinking my life is meaningless from that. what is the point of living if all im going to do is that? just work and no play. i will have no children. i will marry no one. i decided that already. i don’t want to be told who to marry and i don’t want to be told when to have kids and how many cos i just know i will be told that and if i refuse i’ll be emotionally manipulated into doing their will. i just can’t take it anymore. my heart is battered and bruised and wishing it could rip itself out of its chest at this moment. it’ll be the only way for me to exert any control over my life. and this time i won’t let myself be manipulated into changing my mind. cos i do know that my parents will try and force me to change my ways when im in my 30s and still not even have dated anyone by then. they’ll tell me im selfish if i live this way, living for myself and not bringing life into the world but im tired of living for other people. i have always lived for everyone else but do i not matter? do my feelings mean nothing? my needs and wants are acceptable to be dismissed and ignored. because i don’t fucking matter. im a fucking waste of space. that’s all i am. 

12. June. 2018. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

not enough

no matter what you do or how much you’ve proven yourself, you will never be good enough.

at least that’s how im treated. 

i did so much. i was valedictorian of my class. i got home at curfew. i gave up my dream school. i gave up friends. i gave up my life. i gave up being alive. i gave up being human. im so empty. i feel nothing.

i thought it was enough but i fail to learn it’s never enough. 

i wanted to go to my dream school away from here, it just happened to be away from here. i wanted to have the college experience. i gave it up to go to college near home. i gave it up because my parents inflicted guilt upon me which i could not beat. i couldn’t beat it. 

and now, somehow, im inflicted guilt for driving to college back and forth even though that’s what they forced me to do so you know, you just can’t fucking win. i don’t understand how you can make someone feel bad for doing something you told them to do. that’s hypocritical, that’s unfair. 

they told me they wanted me to stay to guide me so i won’t do drugs and stuff. but i guess being pushed to suicide is better than being drawn to those things so good job. 

i just really want to die. my accomplishments mean nothing if i continue to be treated like shit no matter how much i try to please everyone and do what they want me to do. it’s fucking unfair, brutal, and inhumane. 

i just feel like they’re asking me to lay down and die and i already feel that way. i just want to shoot myself in the head. i just want to swallow a bottle of pills. i just want to get in the bathtub and slit my wrists.

7. May. 2018. LF.

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

pity party

im in a pissing mood on myself so here i go.

this feeling of frustration still resides in me since it set in last summer. i gave up trying to live my own life and decided to just go to the university close to home instead of my dream school. logically, it makes the most sense. i would have less expenses since i would have somewhere free to live and eat and all i have to worry about is paying for tuition and textbooks and the long commute back and forth. but, living life isn’t always supposed to be rational. im afraid i have created a huge regret i’m going to carry with me when school is over. 

i won’t understand what it is like to live on your own, to have roommates and what the true college experience is like. it makes me extremely sad that i am going to miss out on that while all my friends get to live this exhilarating chapter in their lives. they’ll get to party and stay out at 2AM while i will be at home by 8PM doing homework, doing the laundry, etc. i have to still pick up the kids and carry on like nothing has changed because nothing has changed except my workload has but my parents don’t care. they don’t care how much more pressure there will be on me and i will still be expected to do everything. i don’t know how i’m going to manage everything and it’s already stressing me out and university hasn’t even started yet. how am i going to to do extracurriculars, work with other people to understand the material, see my professors during office hours if my parents will still hold me to get my brother and watch him. i know i’m smart but i’m not that smart to be able to hold everything down. i am only one person. i am a fucking human being. 

this is the main reason why my parents won’t let me go away: they are afraid i am going to fuck up my life by doing drugs or getting someone pregnant because of their friend’s children’s own dumb mistakes but how can they mistrust me like that? haven’t they known me long enough to know that i won’t do dumb shit, that i am smarter than that? or, do they just have this preconceived notion that all young adults are the same and just want to get high and have sex all the time, that even i am susceptible to doing things like that? they think they’re doing a good job keeping me here but i disagree. it’s just worsening my depression. my suicidal thoughts recur more frequently now and it just pushes me to that edge even more now. i don’t even know if i’ll make it to be 23 and graduate. look, im not trying to say that just because mommy and daddy didn’t give me what i want is the reason im going to kill myself someday. it’s much more complex than that, than what you read on the surface.

i have no life skills. i really don’t. i don’t know how to cook. i don’t know how to do taxes. i don’t know how to maintain my car except clean it. now, i won’t know how to live on my own. i want them to teach me these things but they won’t but they won’t even give me the chance to try things on my own! they don’t even give me the chance to make mistakes to learn from them. they’re so afraid of me making mistakes that they don’t allow me to grow. i am a five year old trying to survive in adult world. and they get mad at me if i forgot one thing once in a while and complain how i won’t make it on my own, that i won’t survive living on my own. i can’t! you prevent me from ever growing up no matter how hard i try.

it was always like this. i had friends in elementary and high school but i hardly ever hanged out with them. i would go out at most 2 or 3 times a year. and then my parents would complain if i get home just 10 minutes late or so, actually they complain in general when i ask, after i ask, before i leave, and when i get back home, that i should just go live with my friends if that is how i want to be for just not being home 2 or 3 hours. this is why i have no social skills. they make me stay home most of the time. most of the time when i go out is with my parents. 

i can never win. there’s nothing i can do right. i am obviously not perfect but it doesn’t help when everyone keeps beating me down everyday for not being perfect. i can never be the person my parents want me to be, no matter how badly they beg me to be this smart, responsible, and most importantly, obedient son. 

my parents said i’m only ever moving out when i get married and have kids. first of all, i doubt i will ever get married. nobody likes me, the most a person has ever liked me was friendship level, never beyond. second of all, even if somebody did like me, why would they ever marry a loser like me? who marries a loser that still lives with his parents in his 20s? this is the problem. my parents have friends whose daughters and sons stayed home and attended college and they got good jobs and that’s why they think it’s best that i stay home and attend a nearby college. but let me point out something. yes, they have good jobs now. however, they still live at home and no one is going out with them and they seem depressed too. my definition of success is someone who is happy. that’s all i ever want in life. even if i’m poor, if i feel content and happy with my life, i already won at life. i don’t want to be like my parent’s friend’s kids, but it seems i’m headed that way.

i constantly think of killing myself. death just seems easier than living like this all the time. i try to imagine my life might get better after college, that the trajectory will bring me somewhere happier. but i just can’t. i don’t see myself being happy at all. i don’t see myself doing anything that will bring me joy again. i think of killing myself most of the time, but sometimes i think of killing myself just as a “told you so” that living at home wasn’t the best idea. but that’s just wrong. that’s probably the worst thing you could ever do to someone. killing yourself as a form of revenge for the pain you let onto yourself. so, if i do happen to kill myself, i just want it to be known that it was because of myself and no one else. it was because i didn’t have the balls to take control of my own life and realize that it is my life to live, that i can’t live for my parents no matter how much it would hurt them if i did things they disapproved of like moving away and living on my own. 

i just wish they could stop. i wish they could see how much unhappiness it’s causing me to have to do everything their way, that i have no say in what i want to do with my life. i just want to die.

18. March. 18. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

jealousy

jealousy is a funny little thing.

im still so jealous of the one i have unrequited feeling for for having the highest grade in my physics class. i don’t know why im so jealous, im usually not jealous cos usually i don’t care but im very envious of him now. i want to beat him but im just not as smart as him. maybe that’s it, my hatred of my inferiority to him. realizing im not the smartest person in my class for once. i don’t know, somehow it made me love him even more. he’s perfect and this hurts even more knowing i’ll never have him. whatever, i hope this feeling goes away so i can be sober once again. 

im on spring break now and i was looking forward to it but now im extremely bored. i don’t know what im going to do. however, im feeling like charli xcx in her mixtape cover for pop2. just look it at it and maybe you’ll understand what i mean.

for once this wasn’t so depressing, don’t count on it being this way from now on though for future posts.

bye bye lovelies.

16. March. 18. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

heartache

getting your heart broken makes for beautiful art. 

i had it broken this week by someone i crushed on. and, it’s not like it was the first time. even though, it hurt like the first time. and so, i poured it into my writing and i realized i’ve written one of the best poems in a long time. it’s taken three heartbreaks to realize that getting hurt this way brings out the most creativeness in you and it’s when you have the most to say. i understand now why most people write about love and break-ups, it’s the easiest thing in the world yet most painful and thus, difficult way, of coping. 

but, i don’t regret it. if there is one thing i learned in my miserable life, it’s that to at least live with no regrets even when you’re a disappointment. you can’t change who you are but you can try to avoid mistakes. i don’t want to regret and constantly think later on in life about decisions and people, wondering what would have happened if i just asked that one person or did this one thing, i at least don’t do that. 

8. March. 18. LF

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

my predictions and picks for oscars 2018

Best Picture: 

Prediction: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 

Personal Pick: Call Me by Your Name 

Best Director:

Prediction/Personal Pick: Greta Gerwig - Ladybird

Best Actor:  

Prediction: Gary Oldman - Darkest Hour 

Personal Pick: Timothee Chalamet - Call Me by Your Name 

Best Actress: 

Prediction/Personal Pick: 

Francis McDormand - Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 

Best Supporting Actor: 

Prediction/Personal Pick: 

Sam Rockwell - Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 

Best Supporting Actress: 

Prediction/Personal Pick: Allison Janney - I, Tonya 

Best Original Screenplay: 

Prediction: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 

Personal Pick: Ladybird 

Best Adapted Screenplay: 

Prediction/Personal Pick: Call Me by Your Name 

Best Original Song: 

Prediction/Personal Pick: "Mystery of Love" - Call Me by Your Name

2. March. 18. LF