lets-pretend-i-exist

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

I think I’ve leant too hard into being “unobtrusive and friendly”. At an event tonight my friend said to her sister “why can’t you be like Cherie and just sit quietly”. And then I ended the night feeling very sad and lonely when I abruptly realised that everyone I was with is invited to a birthday party I’m not invited to. This feels like high school but worse I guess.

I’m now stuck thinking about “no one is thinking about you (:” vs “no one is thinking about you!!!”

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Or how we went to karaoke afterwards and when I walked in she cheered and hugged me and immediately handed me a microphone and said “you love this song!” and I do love that song!!!!

I never want to forget the way I felt when I came back from the bathroom at my best friend’s wedding reception and saw her on the dancefloor and she said, among her 350 guests, that she didn’t know where I went and she was looking for me

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

I never want to forget the way I felt when I came back from the bathroom at my best friend’s wedding reception and saw her on the dancefloor and she said, among her 350 guests, that she didn’t know where I went and she was looking for me

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

I don’t wanna get undressed for a new person all over again

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it.

Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Saw a photo of a nonbinary person I follow on insta with the caption “26 & fluid” and a snippet of Good Luck, Babe! playing and thought about the fact that I’m almost 26 and so far away from feeling truly comfortable with the way I present and the way people perceive me and dating and all of that and suddenly I’m crying over my lunch. Been coasting through on “this too shall pass” for so long that I almost forgot the underlying truth “you’d have to stop the world just to stop the feeling” and I know – I know – that 25 is so young and there’s so much time but what is the POINT of all this time if so much of it is spent watching and waiting and wishing, being careful and holding out and holding on, dreaming and hoping and wondering if it’s even possible at all. These circumstances are so flimsy yet so totally encapsulating and I have been told my entire life that I’m not capable of pushing hard enough to make any difference at all but what is the point in all this time if I’m just going to spend it like this?

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

JFC I wish my parents would divorce so my dad would fuck off instead of keeping us up multiple nights a week starting nonsensical arguments because he won’t fucking go to therapy and fix his broken brain and “woe is me” attitude. But I know they won’t. So we’ll just be stuck here, I guess.

I got back from Europe a week ago and I’m already planning another trip to get away from this, and had to take sick leave today to get some goddamn sleep since I haven’t slept all week.

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Update: it’s very possible this approach will betray me.

me: stretches my use of prescribed birth control pills to the limits of recommended use, both for short term gain and on the off chance it will negatively affect my fertility because I really really don’t want children

me: [hacker voice] I’m in

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

I’m maybe hopefully finally getting over a travel cold that hit me in Luxembourg. My feet are covered in blisters. My stomach is constantly killing but I haven’t been able to finish an entire meal in days and have thrown up so many times that I’m starting to see specks of blood. I’ve gotta say this is not how I pictured my Euro Summer going.

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Having a designer straight up lie to me “the text and image are in one layer and I can’t access the image without the text embedded” as if I’m not looking at the same fucking design files as them??? Oooooh boy I’m not caffeinated enough to be diplomatic here. YES they are on the same indesign layer, but they are on two different PHOTOSHOP layers. I’m going to bite the walls.

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Mood today

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

What the fuck do you mean I’m now meeting my platonic romantic French friend in under a month

So I did this funny thing where I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee when I’m in Paris (I’ve been putting this off for over two months) and she said sure but I finish work late, let’s do dinner instead! And I’m going to scream! I’m so nervous and I’m so excited and she said I can’t wait to finally meet you! How am I supposed to process this!

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

I changed into goddesses, villains and fools changed plans and lovers, and outfits and rules all to outrun my desertion of you

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Taylor Swift, The Prophecy

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

t.s - the prophecy 🌙🖤

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

if you want to break my cold, cold heart just say “I loved you the way that you were” if you want to tear my world apart just say you’ve always wondered

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

The stupid fucking swordfish sudoku technique FINALLY clicked today and I used it without realising that’s what it was. I’m becoming actually finally pretty good at sudoku.