letters-to-my-head

[letters-to-my-head]

Dear Josep,

Today is 17 Aug 2020. I will definitely write this on pen and paper later when I could go home and get them - I’m at my aunt’s place and there is never any paper... I prefer my own pen anyway. You probably will receive this about a month from now, along with the letter I wrote 6 months ago in Saigon. And the pictures too, hopefully.

Honey bear, this is a letter that isn’t longing for a response.

We both have witnessed a lot of events happening between us and within our lives this year so far. At least for me it was witnessing - I am in denial to the point where in hindsight, all of those events feels like out-of-body experiences. And for you it was witnessing because they would just come and get put on a shelf.

It is currently 12:31 am. I need to get up at 6:30 for my first day of Zoom College tomorrow, but I need to write this so I would stop crying skincare off my face. Honey, they are expensive and I can’t afford this. Maybe this is more of me talking to myself, working through my emotions one by one so they wouldn’t pile up. Part of me thinks I know you don’t want to hear me talk like this, or about this; so I could only feel heard when you read what I have to say. And that’s not nice.

I shouldn’t have to beg to be heard.

I can’t share my sadness with you. I can’t tell you how I feel and have you intently listen. I have given up on trying to encourage you to talk about problems with me. What you do every time is that you will tell me to shut up, you will leave, you will get angry at me; even when I’m not talking about problems between us. So much has changed in the span of one year. Past me would be shocked, quite honestly, if I knew you could act like this.

And you don’t want me like that anymore.

This hurts me so much to realize. After all that you did, after all that you said to me and then told me “it was only temporary”. We did try to break up and until now we have done that a hilarious amount of times (if you also count Future - Mask Off), yet we still found our way back. I’ll never know what it is you need from me, but this is why I come back to find you.

I like the sound of your voice. I find the piano sessions soothing much as your presence. I like how you laugh, I like how you smell. I miss the way you squeeze my hand occasionally. I like how friendly you are to everyone, even strangers. I see in you a bright-eyed, active little boy who yearns to try everything like the world is his candy store; and he does whatever his heart tells him to. I want to sing Silent Night to you in bed when it’s been a tough day. I want to hold you. I want to slowly pat your back and gently scratch your hair while I lay my head on yours. I always want that warm, soft, idle peace.

The latest time we broke up, it felt real to me, and I was ready to pull a new chapter. I took on more work, I told everyone, I felt free... Until the 3rd day when I had this stinging itch that told me I needed to re-install Whatsapp. I had this hunch way back when, I still had it now. You did try to call me on that day.

But I am not your milky way anymore. 

It is currently 1:21 am

From Vietnam,

Ha.

[letters-to-my-head]

4/8/2020,

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I’m in a good place when I write these words in here. I’d be actually enjoying my time instead.

It has been a rocky year. I would never have thought I could have all of these experiences, good or bad, when I was 18. Being 20 has been... interesting, to say the least. And 2020 has been hell-ish as a year. Though it’s August already. It has passed as quickly as every other year but the quarantines, the unusual life patterns, and a lot of time really messes with a person. I’ve never particularly liked summer. Of course, no Asian kid likes summer because there is no “vacation” involved and more extra classes you have to keep up with. I don’t remember any of my other summers before 2015, probably because of all the traumas I keep having to deal with from that point onward. For 2020, summer is practically the whole year.

I have so much time, not much to do in reality. Which sucks, because 1) I will absolutely whine and slack at any normal amount of work I receive now or later on and 2) I have too much time to think. I think my habit since 2015 has been staying unconscious most of the time during summer - sleeping through the day, not really having much going on. Lately I’ve lost virtually all of my interests. Sometimes they could feel like choirs. And then I get overly critical about how I look - how my pimples are leaving dark spots that don’t even seem to fade at all. I cut my bangs because I thought maybe I’d enjoy looking at someone a bit different. I don’t want to do make-up. I don’t want to scroll through social media. I don’t want to watch youtube because hardly anything interests me. I stay up at night thinking about my boyfriend (?) who’s not even my boyfriend really anymore. I miss him and i sucks that it really sinks in how far away we are. Everything sucks. My family is still stuck in a place where they’re unaccepting or at least not even forgiving of new, modern ideals. I feel hopeless. I feel like my life is going to stay so bland for a very, very long time. I have no idea what I can do about it. I don’t wanna do anything about it. I am so stuck, and the only way I can get out of this family is by being financially independent, because I’ve seen what happens to my oldest cousin - still heavily controlled even in his religious beliefs.

I’m so sick and tired of just watching life go by.

[letters-to-my-head]

27/4/2020,

Man, I really kinda missed writing diaries. nowadays tbh I just want to sit back and watch one Youtube video to another. Or spend time talking to someone else. About comings and goings, things that are forgotten as soon as they are mentioned. I know I get very very chatty, that’s when I get comfortable with people. I love to spend my time around people and chat about things that might not even make sense.

I really should get into writing diaries again, online this time, in an obscure place, so as to not lose it. The format on this website is effortlessly and infinitely better. And I get to remember what I used to think, how I used to act, who I was! I know as I grew up over the years I have “branched out” quite a lot in terms of self-expression and my internet footprint is scattered everywhere. I can find pieces of myself, what I used to do or look like, on almost any platform. Even Pinterest, which I think really should be going out of business, because somehow they have the best collection of pictures but in actuality the website is just a collection of aesthetically embedded links. (?) Alas,

I even have a youtube. Man, I uploaded my first video a year ago, when I looked completely different with a short bob. Crazy how a hair style can change your mood or how you look. Also, all of my friends were some shady bitches for not seriously stopping me in a middle of one of my banters, looking into my eyes and saying: “your hair looks terrible”. Because, well, it did not look that terrible but with the inches I have now, its miles away from being decent. Yeah ofc there were some times when I appreciated the French girl curly short hair phase I was in, but it took me more than a year to decide to curl that shit. And it was even a last minute decision. I kept the hairstyle up for quite some time too. I remember not wanting to fully grow back my hair and keep pestering to go to the barber’s to have it cut to a certain length. Now I just don’t care anymore. Maybe once in a while I’ve go curl it. But I’m not trimming anymore. We love an economical queen. But also, it’s quite a change I’m willing to make.

Also today I went out with a friend for the first time since quarantine was enforced (now loosened). These are pics I took of the beautiful weather.

I wore a sweater and sweatpants out, so you could say I had on the homeless aesthetic that Justin Bieber seems to be very into these days. But it was great. The weather, the blue sky, the sun, the people, the traffic. Of course we’re not pouring out to the streets but just goes to show there are the little things in life that are actually so crucial, we just take them for granted.

Alright lastly I feel like I have finally achieved the mental state where I am finally at ease with my body. Like, I spoke to LEWIS the other day (oh yeah, after a year or two we found each other again) I can look at myself in the mirror and be fine like “ok. work.” Like if I have to describe my body I would say the silhouette is very “streamlined”. (I think I’m so smart) But I’m not yet at the point of being confident. Ok if someone were to look at my body, yea, I can see them thinking “that is unattractive” and that is their opinion. You know, maybe after all these years of hating myself and feeling the peer pressure of getting into a relationship, when I am in one myself, I get a lot of compliments (not so much anymore :<) about my body. Really makes me think there is a demographic, a market out there for me, perhaps. So I’m not too shabby is all I hear. And that is perfectly fine for now.

[letters-to-my-head]

24/1/2020

i fell down the rabbit hole of survey answering just to earn some extra cash. it got me really going for a while, since yesterday i’ve been doing surveys non-stop. it is really strange how earning money pushes me so much. it’s like being addicted to video games because games always gives you some kind of objectives and goals. it’s different from real life. in real life you dont know what youre doing, you dont know what youre directly gaining all the time.

i found plane tickets for as cheap as $606 yesterday, it got me really hopeful because if i work my ass off and maximize the amount i can save, then it is actually affordable. of course, still a great amount of money, and i’m not sure in the next few months what kind of mental breakdowns im up against. maybe at times like that i will be urged to spend money buying some irrelevant things to feel better. at this point, though, even if the relationship doesnt work out in between the months, im still going. it’s more than just seeing someone i love, it’s about being defiant and getting freedom for myself. also i wanna piss off this family, all-knowing beings they claim to be.

now that i’ve had some experience with online surveys, earning money turns out isnt as easy as burning free-time and personal information on websites. i wish it were that simple.

the amount of work i have left is still very much overwhelming, and it’s been a week, and i have done nothing.

other than that, my appetite has dropped immensely. i fear eating now. for a strange reason. sure, i am sad, depressed, whatever, about the state of my relationship and about feeling alone right now. but it’s not about that anymore, that i have overcome. i fear the vicious cycle of eating-getting hungry- eating again. and then cooking is such a mundane task that somehow in my mind takes up a significant amount of mental strength. i dont have the emotional capacity to go through the process of cooking anything, let alone eat. and i am very aware of my physical strength, or lack thereof. i am very aware of this wiry broke down frames i call a body. i know i look terrible. i know more than anyone. i am not decaying because of some guy, like my family thinks. i know how crazy they think i am. they just assume they know everything about my condition, and that if i just take a dose of the Smiles, i will magically feel happy or motivated to carry out normal tasks again. they think i must be insane. or they think im just torturing them, and its all about them, and im so selfish. they see me as a ridiculously strange person that needs a behavior reform center. i know all of that. now my grandma thinks im letting myself rot because she wont let me go visit my boyfriend.

bullshit.

i just feel sad. i just feel down. i just feel like a failure and no one understands me, because they just assume everything, and theyre not there to listen. they are there to reinforce their presumptions. anything beyond that is “non-sense”. i just have no appetite. i feel empty and hollowed out. i wish i could cry. i dont know what im thinking. i feel comfortable just letting myself rot. because i cant stop being irrational about how we eat just to feel hungry again, and there’s no point at all. im trying all i can to make myself feel better. i’m cleaning my room, i’m showering, i’m drinking water, i’m listening to music, i’m monitoring my feelings as they come. i cant reach out to friends. or my boyfriend. i dont want them to waste their time. of course i feel hungry, and i hate myself for that.

[letters-to-my-head]

22/1/2020

this is the first time i’ve ever typed out 2020. how strange.

well i have just gotten back from a mental breakdown. in short, im reconsidering my relationship. i think i should take a break, for real this time. i cant rely on it to feel any kind of validation. he doesnt text me doesnt mean im ugly or unloveable. and it doesnt feel right for him to be selfish sometimes. these are just my thoughts for now, they might not be as accurate as i think they are once i settle down mentally. but just take a break. it feels right. it feels liberating. sure the warmth of affection is fun an charming, but if the lack of verbal affection brings me down so much then thats my own problem to figure out, to solve. still, im coming to him. it means much more than to just fall in love again. i will have fun. i will have a great time. my first time travelling alone will be out of the country. that sounds so interesting, whether the relationship works out or not.

yesterday he was still very affectionate in texts. i’ll see how it goes but the next few days i will be going out more. even just for a morning walk. early get ready. maybe bike out. even if i dont want to. i hate staying home. maybe get into a mall. sit in a cafe. be productive. your day shouldnt revolve around him texting you or not.

at this very moment, i couldnt care less. sure, it pains me a little when i look at couples right in front of my face, but then i have to remind myself maybe i am in a better space of freedom where i dont have to worry about texting anyone. i dont get to share my deepest insecurities anyway. maybe i am better off moving on, clearing space for new people.

maybe i love him because he loves me, and i need that love. do i really love him for who he is? i love how he acts around me. do i? these questions i have to figure out.

right now, though, i am thinking of a crazy change. i am thinking of rock star personality, witty, care free, lots of winks, platform boots, booze

but idk. one second ago i was almost serious about bleaching my hair blonde. i was almost serious about spending too much money just to look different and piss my family off. i’m not a very stable person to start with.

just go to sleep. you will feel more calm. get a dose of the smiles. get up early tomorrow. wash yourself. then go out. buy a small accessory. keep reading that book. one day off, and then let’s see if you feel motivated enough to look at a book review you gotta submit. 

[letters-to-my-head]

time loop (8/7/2019),

it’s always 8 pm. i havent watered the plants. and i always have to apologize for it.

its been one year. so many things have happened during the course of one year, things have changed - things that i never expected to change, have changed.

i know i should be grateful, i know i should keep my head up, and i did. but right now, i cant.

to get it out there, depression never really leaves. low boil anxiety is still here. someone loves me. i am kept busy. nothing should satisfy me more. this is drastically different from last year. but somehow this demon is still there, torturing me. And im left, forever stuck in a loop of “i hate myself” and “i’m better than everyone else”. I am in a better scenario, but am I a better person yet?

I wish someone would just step in and tell me what to do all the time. I’m tired. i dont want to think. I dont want to feel. I want to be asleep all the time, and god, i cant sleep. its like they’ve taken away the only escape. thats it. im done.

this is purgatory.

[letters-to-my-head]

TV show fantasy,

If you were to have your own TV show:

What genre would it be?

How many main characters? what are their names?

What would be their personalitites?

What would be the schtick?

Answers:

TV shows are tricky because if you were to have a successful one you’d have to create characters with their own goals and troubles in life; they’d have to find that middle ground between simple and intricate to the point where there should be enough wiggle room. In the end your goal is to be renewed season after season, right?

So I dont know much about producing a show but I do know comedies are hard to make, you’ve gotta be very creative to jam witty jokes into different episodes. There are tons of comedies out there, each with different schticks, from light-hearted series to heart-wrenching, sitcoms, rom-coms, ...

I’d like to have a comedy show but I wouldnt be very good at writing jokes. I’d like to think of it as relatively successful. And maybe a situational comedy in front of a live audience because the experience would be more authentic, but at the same time the set would be kinda limited.

The main characters are: Rocky, Poppy and Danny.

Rocky is a lesbian, let’s throw that out there right now; this character would relate to me on a spiritual level. Rocky went through a lot of traumas as a kid and is now trying to find fulfillment in the employment world. Poppy is eternally delightful, dumb (I’d like her to resemble Phoebe from Friends), is a fan of Fleetwood Mac, quirky. Danny is done with both of his female friends’ bullshit, loves dogs, believes in conspiracy theories, and is usually the butt of every joke (because he’s a virgin and it’s likely he’ll stay that way).

Sch

[letters-to-my-head]

At my workplace (this raggedy-ass english center) the manager has the fakest, most annoying (well not technically most but still) British accent. And he is the Primest example of r/fellowkids. The other day he tried to greet me with the “how’s it going, pal?” (the cringe, ew). And he went on to explain “pal” as “sth I thought you Americans say”. No ma’am. Next. “I would have said mate instead” NO bitch you should have sat there and ate your food. Sit your ass down and shut the hell up girl. He INSISTED that i spell “center” as “centre” in my designs like a maniac. I have NOTHING against the brits but this is just asking for it. Come on now. You idolize Simon IELTS, who is so delusional and out of touch with IELTS these days. Judges hate him. Girl he aint cool. Stop forcing your confused students down a path they dont want. There are many ways to excel in IELTS and this is the very reason why they aint getting better. And your management is the very reason why this center aint taking off. There are others new to the game but they know how it works better than you, no joke.

[letters-to-my-head]

26/1/2019

Ok so, skincare journey has been kinda rocky. I spent 10 bucks on an item that makes my skin less textured, but at the same time it irritates the deep inside of my skin. My face looks red the morning after and until now. It’s the Water Sleeping Mask by Laneige by the way. Shhh, big regrets, luckily I bought the mini size. So much for trying it out. Shout out to Huyen for notifying me of the same problem so I know it’s this one’s fault.

I’m passing it on to Mai along with the Carli Bybel eyeshadow palette after the holidays. It was well loved but I try to keep my collection minimal so it gotta go. 

[letters-to-my-head]

bitch ass Gertrude,

I am back on here because journaling birds and butterflies aint gonna cut it for me, anyway, Gertrude SHUT THE FUCK UP! Your arguments in the debate aint shit and God knows that. Bitch trynna be an input hoe “im neutral tho but Violet be interrupting people” FIRST OF ALL BITCH YOU of all people had the audacity, to, check, me, when, obviously, YOU just HAD to interrupt people when they’re speaking with your FULL sentences. Hypocritical. I fucking cant. And, on top of that, (oh im not finished) I uttererd ONe word, I didnt even mean to interrupt anyone. And to be very honest, Everyone’s arguments were BULLSHIT. I’m not trynna be like “woe is me everybody wrong” but your existence just pisses me off. Gertrude, I hope you go to hell. I hope your social life stays shit. Drown in all of your Chinese fan girl fantasies coz they aint EVER gonna happen. 

[letters-to-my-head]

brenda

ugly brenda ugly brenda ugly brenda

brenda’s just having fun

brenda is a cunt

but they took brenda’s lunch

[letters-to-my-head]

berlin clock

I still had the Berlin timezone clock saved in my phone. Until now. Until 7:47 pm on September 7th, 2018.

I miss Shane Hilton. I wonder how he is. I miss how he was. Something is very wrong with me. People don’t like me. And then in response I don’t like people. I cant remember faces anymore. I’m losing myself faster than I can decay.

Oh no. Oh no. What’s happening. When did the roller coaster go down? When did it reach peak? Is this a series of hypnic jerks? Why am I not waking up? Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up

[letters-to-my-head]

2, living things

number one is missing.

“When i grow up” is a phrase we got to use a lot as kids. Now the phrase we say a lot is “when i was a kid”. “When i grow up” is a future sentence that sounds so... hopeful. The “was” has some painful parts buried in there deep down. Anyone could be a kid if they would just not care, right? As an adult to be, you try to define and understand everything, you build your world of concepts. Make good use of that habit. Alienate yourself. Act foolish. Things feel like a video game. You’d die and then live again.

When I have a house to myself, aside from being always naked while my windows are closed, i want no pets or plants. You are thinking: “thats some bullshit. thats a dead house.” Yeah. I mean maybe i would change my mind. When i get better. I don’t even see myself being with someone who will love me for who i am and become a good mother to any kid. No one deserve a thing like me - but thats a story for another day. My point is having actual plants is too high maintenance. You’re thinking: “get succulents then”. I hate your guts. I hate plants because they’re so alive. They’re still growing. I hate how alive they are. The fact that there is life flowing in their fibers annoys me.

[letters-to-my-head]

my cats

i remember that one black cat - he was honestly amazing. I saw him catching a mouse once. Brilliant boy. All of my cats leave the house. In all honesty i think we treat them badly. Other cats get cuddles and baths. We dont even wash their plates. We dont know whose duty it is. Theyre like a pet for show. We need them to keep off the mice sometimes. Animals. They keep living and coming.

They run away all the time. I wonder where they are. They have like a 10 percent chance of getting into better homes. I hope we never buy cats again.

[letters-to-my-head]

i dont like what i used to anymore

[letters-to-my-head]

i created this today

an interesting read but i simplified it.

[letters-to-my-head]

27/8/2018,

Man, I havent listened to a lot of shit lately because ive been scrolling through youtube and it reeally is worth the time damn

im procrastinating on my shower and my homework tho.

Deadmau5 is a legend for coming to Hanoi. This legend also makes orchestral music and his own graphics for shows and concerts and stuff.

I cant go but like, I know it’s very expensive and its a club. It might be really hecking far from here. It would just be such a waste if i cant see him. I need to get at least a picture. That would be the dream.

UPDATE: oh so MARY J BLIGE is going to star in Gerard’s umbrella academy?????????? I dont give a fuck about losing sleep at this point. Bring out the guns motherfuckers. Legends supporting legends. Netflix better NOT go around copy-striking video sites or i swear to god