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Im not trying to claim im a victim or not. My actions do justify whatever consequences that have incurred over the past year. I am willing to accept this as a step forward in my life even though I have lost a good portion of all the good things in my life.

If I have to be the bad guy I will remove myself from your lives. If I have inflicted any pain, grief, sorrow, and any negative emotions, none of it was intentional, but that doesn't give me the excuse to ask anyone for forgiveness.

During difficult times, I have made some bad decisions. Was it out of my own personal grief and short comings, yes? Could I have made better decisions, probably? What I did when I did I don't ever know why I ever made those decisions.

I'm working hard to move forward, but it has been difficult. Even with therapy and a small circle, but being back here and just listening to all the chatter has got me feeling I just don't belong. I know in my heart I can find the peace I've been searching for over these past few years. I know it has to come from within myself, but with the distractions this place has, its gotten a stranglehold on me.

When I see people, I can just sense the displeasure in their gazes. Its a terrible feeling, but I definitely deserve it or even the tone in their voices. It leads to further believe how i'm a piece of shit.

I may never get a chance to speak to anyone again, but whatever I've said or done was not out of malicious or underlying motives. If things are being said about me, so be it. Whatever rumors or gossip that is circulating around, I won't even try stop it. People always want someone to blame or to pick a side when it comes to narratives. I'll be that demon.

I'll try to pull myself out of that fire. I can only really rely on myself to be that savior or if there is really a higher power. Whatever it may be I hope I can find my peace.

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🗣🗣🗣 gossip. cool.

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everything ive done is a mistake....

relapses are terrible...

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01/05/24

Well, it's been a year since I last posted here. A lot has happened.

2023 was a year of massive spirals downwards. It has probably been the hardest year of my life.

Lost a lot of things in life, whether it be material things, physical things, mental things, spiritual things, or relationships on all levels. I'm not perfect by any means, I've made some pretty bad decisions over the year. It costs me a lot, but you know what you try to learn from them the best you can.

Learned a lot about myself and how I treat myself and the people around me. I care about other people's opinions too much. In times when I should have kept to myself and saved the heartache I spoke and when I spoke I got judged. I tried to clarify things and still left with too little to avail. I tried to be a nice person and still got left behind. But you know what it is what it is, and it is best I left with silence.

I'll try to keep on chugging with life as is and try to handle things on my own. In a way, some people think I am a negative person when I try not to be. I am still unraveling a lot of things from my past and trying to address what I need to address to become a better version of myself.

Therapy has helped me in a lot of ways that I couldn't have imagined, or even having the courage to talk about these issues with a professional, but I am glad I did it.

I am proud of how far I've come from last year to this point. There's still a lot of work to be done, but I know myself better than anyone else. I'll keep grinding to where I want to be. I'll stay true to myself and move forward.

For the people that stood by my side in my difficult time. Listening to me rant, cry, or even get through the darkness and thoughts that crept up into my head. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. If there was ever a way I could repay you for your kindness I would give it back 100 fold. I love you all. For those whom I have hurt, I apologize again. I'll love you all from a distance.

2024 is bringing in some new positive energy and a refocused mindset. I hope it brings me closer to the new goals I set for myself.

Much peace, love, and joy.

L

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01/11/23

Journaling kind of late tonight. Its 2:15am.

Slowly but surely i'll get there. Trying to have more of a positive outlook on everything or just life in general.

Trying to find ways to heal, turn off the white noise, and all the extra clutter in my brain.

You got this Lev. you got this. Remember everything is going to be alright!

One step at a time.

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04/01/23

New year, new me. I'll continue to journal here.

internal roller coaster continues. just got to keep riding it out until it stops.

being alone with my thoughts has been a new concept for me. for the last 7 years or so, ive had my other half to turn to when things get rough, but since were seperated now its been a little weird.

im still acclimating to this move here to this day and ive been here for 4 months now. the struggles still continue, but my whole mantra of "being uncomfortable, to get comfortable" is still a hard concept to get through because im use to being comfortable. theres no personal growth in being comfortable. I want to be able to keep progressing and evolving.

in terms of career, I am trying to shift my attention into a change. the amount of dependency and physical toll my current career takes is astonishing. i am drained. my usual activities are taking such hit due to exhaustion.

in all my thoughts today hopefully i can find some quiet from the noise in my head and most specifically the negativity.

thats it for now,

peeeace and love

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its been a while, needed a space to write my thoughts in private.

I feel like I am meant to be alone. I just get dissapointed everytime.

Theres no point for me to continue holding onto people that just walk out anyways.

No one will understand what I feel, because if I fail their expectations, theres no chances, not even a logical explanation.

I try to be an empath and understand people, when I don't even understand myself.

I walk forward, take 2 steps forward and get sent back 10 steps. Why does it always happen, why?

I can't keep living life like this.... I'm shit, my life is shit... maybe I deserve this, maybe I don't. idek anymore.

I don't want to trouble anyone, so i'll just leave this here.

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maybe im just not meant for relationships. promises in this generation are nothing.

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I can only vent on here, its not like the old times. i am willing to do whatever it takes. cause at this stage, this is the only thing that matters to me and MY life. idgaf what others think because in the long run I want whats best for me.

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I really feel like this is the move for me. I just hate the fact “going to church” is just out of habit. The fact that all I'm doing this for is just for the sake of my family, especially my parents and not disappointing them. I don't even know how to approach this feeling but am I even in it for the right reasons. 

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this is much worse the first..

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I feel so empty...

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In the end its always the same outcome regardless of what you do. so garbage. I feel like these limitations and expectations you place on oneself and others just set you up for disappointment. I just want to do me and be with people I care about without others interfering on the outcome of one's decision. Just ride it out and give no fucks, why does it matter what others think about you, just go do you, even if they hate you. You can’t please everyone. All that should matter is what makes you happy. I honestly hate this, it's so annoying. 

For me personally, I was down, but clearly, that wasn’t enough. I should just move away from these damn limitations.  

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always misunderstood. cant even get to explain myself because im wrong for wanting to worry over peoples safety. smh.

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Irene - Havana 

cr: goldenslumber

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