libatterysucker

[libatterysucker]

You said I bring color to your life

But my plants are greener

My house has been cleaner

My food tastes better

My job has been happier

You make life less scary

[libatterysucker]

I thought I was a nonbeliever until I had the urge to tell your Gods I'll take care of you and your gentle heart.

I'd go to war if it means you could finally live in peace.

I'll take the sword for you, my love. You can rest for now.

I'll be watching.

[libatterysucker]

i would do unspeakable things just to be destroyed by a pretty dom with a mask on and a knife to my throat and be called pretty when i start to cry

[libatterysucker]

My boyfriend wants kids.

I do not.

Four months into the relationship

He paints a picture of cherubs bouncing on his knees, a mom-and-dad-and-baby in a big house

I see an operating room, masks and scrubs swirling through a blood tinted fog

Painkillers, but not quite enough to numb

Because no really, she’s just being dramatic

He dreams of a warm bundle of joy swaddled in innocence

I think of stitches that will be placed against my consent, of thread used to ensure

My innocence is maintained

My tightness is maintained

My husband’s pleasure is maintained while he’s inside me

He fantasizes about blood (mine has already been spilt so many times), about passing on a legacy

I think of the wounds my mother inflicted on me, and her mother inflicted on her

(Where does it end?

I know I can be better

But will it be enough?)

Yes there’s daycare yes there’s epidurals yes there’s antidepressants yes there’s pumps yes I’m sure you’ll be a great dad but

I think of all the people who have come before me.

People who gave up everything

People who were expected to give up everything

(I am just a mother I am just a mother I am just a mother I am just a mother I am just a mother please god let me be more than just a mother)

~ i am twenty years old and still just a vessel for him to use

[libatterysucker]

Yesterday a coworker showed me a picture of you, 'cause you used to work there

My heart skipped a beat, but then five seconds later I realized

It's been days since and I didn't even thought of you

Then I started to clean and found an origami you made for me

I picked it up, but the feeling wasn't the same

So I threw it in the trash

I started to realize I'm slowly detaching from your trail

Today I found the straw you insisted to leave here to come back for

If you need a souvenir as an excuse to see me, don't bother

I didn't think I'd get over you so fast, but looking back now, I was way out of your league dude

Just another hot girl giving a chance for an average guy

[libatterysucker]

Consume me.

Go ahead, try and take all I am.

Try to suffocate me with petals and thorns.

Try to make me into something palatable

Something pretty

Something easy-to-swallow.

I hope you choke.

[libatterysucker]

I would like to move on like everyone does

But I'm starting to believe people are full of shit

"love yourself"

"you don't need anyone"

"I don't mind being single"

And maybe that's true for some

I mean, good for you

But it's okay to need someone

A family

A friend

A lover

Nothing, absolutely nothing can replace human connection

That's what we are made for

To be social

Why can't I crave for partnership? Love? Affection?

If that's what we biologically made for?

Remember, being a "open-minded" political person is a social construction too

[libatterysucker]

Fifty

Fifty was when I stopped counting how many letters I wrote for you.

Since the beginning I wrote how much you were important, desired, wanted.

For Christmas, I gave the ones I like the most as a present.

All handwritten, using the last pages of my 5 years old dairy, the most important document of my life so far.

I made four different envelopes for each topic:

-before - about how lonely I felt before I met you.

-small pieces - short phrases I thought about you during those days.

-bittersweet - how I was feeling about you moving.

-the final one, without a title, it as a ten pages letter about a little bit of everything you meant to me. It had the evenstar from lord of the rings drawn on the back.

It took you days to read those pages, even with me asking every single day if you had read already.

And I was so excited for you to tell me your thoughts about it, but all you said was "it's too sad" "you're hurting to much"

"it's like I'm taking a piece out of you"

You were indeed.

I poured my heart, soul and tears in those letters.

I've never thought about give them to you, about writing so much about someone and being so vulnerable to the point I'd let you know what's truly on my mind.

I thought you had something to say about it, about me.

'cause I had so much to say about you.

I still do.

Your poor feedback was the loudest silence I've ever heard.

Even after you, after the end, I keep writing to you.

But this, this kind of pleasure to read my thoughts will never happen again.

You won't know how much more pieces you broke. Like step on broken glass.

I won't give you the satisfaction.

Be careful honey, those pieces have sharp edges.

Most of the latters I talked about I've posted in here. It became my personal diary. He read all of them and didn't give a shit. Here I feel my feelings are valid and understood. I would like to thank those who read my thoughts and resonate with them. You don't know how important that is for me.

[libatterysucker]

[libatterysucker]

These days all I can think about is send you a message and tell how much I miss you, how much I miss us.

But I can't. I can't do this to myself when all I did was worshiping you in every way, just to be discarded as if we were nothing, as if it as easy.

You wanted to stay friends, but I don't know if you just didn't want to feel guilty, or if you wanted a guarantee in case things go wrong. But I agreed anyways.

Every now and then you send me something, mostly shallow kind of conversation, like you don't really wanna talk, but you don't have anyone else to spill your shit. Or you just wanna have me wrapped around your finger, just in case you need.

I never took you as a vile kind of person, but you're braking me just as much as the others did, even if it's unintentional, unconscious.

I'll keep my head high for now. I've been nothing but great for you, and that's a thing to be proud of.

[libatterysucker]

I miss you

I miss your childish behavior

I miss you loud laughter

I miss your fuckin stupid jokes

I miss when you looked at me after laughing with those "I love you" eyes

I miss when you held me

I miss every stupid flower you picked up for me

I miss your old apartment and I hate how it was like home to me

I miss the things I thought I hated about you

And I hate the fact that you act like you don't miss me at all

[libatterysucker]

Every women's problem is that we have an intuition we insist to ignore for the sake of love

But this is what makes us girls, right Lana?

[libatterysucker]

I'll laugh so hard when you come crawling back after realizing that no one will love you better

I was a player once baby, and I know how the game works

Hope you had fun searching for something you once had

[libatterysucker]

I've never experienced grief before

Never thought much about it

About never seeing someone again

How they disappear through time

Slowly learning how to live without them

And how you don't even think about being mad with them

All you have are those nice memories that play over and over at the theater inside of your brain

Funny how grief and breakups have the same stages

denial, when I didn't believe you would break up with me

anger, when all I did was worshiping you in every way

bargaining, when I remembered all the great things we did together

depression, when I realized I'll have to live without you

acceptance, when I recognized I deserved better, even if you were good to me in certain ways

Now I know I'm grieving for you

And you aren't even dead

[libatterysucker]

been thinking about how the heart is a muscle. muscles have memory.

it remembers you,

it remembers you,

it remembers you,

and refuses to learn any rhythm besides your name even though it is broken.

[libatterysucker]

This still being friends kinda situationship is going to ruin me

We sent tiktoks to each other all day like we're close

But we barely talk

You said you wanted to see me finishing that game we stared together

And I waited all day for you to join me on discord so we could enjoy me being defeated a hundred times

Hoped to listen to your laugh while you tell me I'm doing great ironically, just to feel a tiny little bit of what our relationship was again

You didn't reply me

And now that I'm not important to you anymore, or in your own words, "I don't wanna account to anyone"

You still hold me hostage

But I was the one that gave you my wrist in the first place

[libatterysucker]

Hope your mom was devastated when you told her you threw away the only women that loved you right.