libericives

[libericives]

I have been struggling with maintaining my humanitarian values as the overwhelming reality of the world has worsened my health, and will be entering partial-hospitalization again soon. I have written this up as a reminder to myself why:

It’s not that I think the oppressed should be punished for their reactions to violent oppression. Instead, I believe that there should never be violence at all. It is an insidious cycle where the oppressed become the oppressor and is the very opposite of accountability.

I do not proselytize this viewpoint because doing so is opposite of my accountability. I believe in non-violence and accountability, no matter who the perpetrator may be. I make right by the understanding and action upon the belief there is no inherent difference in our humanity.

The karma I have is my own. By standing firm in my values, I maintain the inexplicable blessings I have thus far received. The cynicism sneaking up on me is part of the reason I am working on my mental health so diligently because it is a slippery slope toward my own self-destruction.

Entering into treatment again is how I balance this compassion with wisdom because so too is empathy without boundaries a road to self-destruction. The first step, however, is recognizing that I require boundaries with myself to maintain the revolutionary optimism I want to embody.

[libericives]

I’m so aware of my own goddamn Mental Illness, I unintentionally figured out how to reinvent Solipsism and then found this paper on Schizospec Solipsism. I’d really appreciate my honorary university degree now.

[libericives]

Today, I realized I can bullshit my way through life and still be successful…

I wrote a philosophy paper while psychotic and received a B- because the only problem was my reasoning being too vague.

If I can hold on to this realization, I might still be able to get my BFA.

Don’t let perfection stop acceptable mediocrity…

[libericives]

As I’m learning how to swim, I’ve realized that Schizophrenia may not be a calling in itself—but that Spirit Work can make the best of it.

Under proper mentorship, my path as a Spirit Work practitioner not only gives me purpose, direction and a better discernment of reality—it also allows me to contextualize, break and heal my patterns of delusional and disorganized thinking and frame my susceptibility to altered states of consciousness toward serving my ultimate well-being.

[libericives]

This Lifetime, I have the responsibility to heal my Higher Self through my relationship to Free Will.

I have seen the inherent meaninglessness of the Cosmos and suffered for attempting to impose a Universal Truth on it.

I have felt the restriction of my Heart against Soul Loss with the backdrop of Loneliness, Isolation and Chronic Mental Illness as well.

I am an Outcast and an Underdog; a Madman and a Muse—and despite it all—it was Pop-Culture and Fandom I found my answers.

Terrible things happen in some of the best and most well-intentioned circumstances, and I have seen the heights and horrors of the World.

It was not in fitting in, but in my own liberated belonging in the weirdness that pervades us all—and the honesty I had to share it—that I finally found the love I was looking for all along.

While my current goals include maintenance of my Mental Wellness, it’s the Graphic Memoir about how Good Omens saved my life that I aim toward.

[libericives]

For nearly two decades, I’ve danced around the topic of “Shaman Sickness,” where you have some sort of physical or mental ailment that is remedied by following a spiritual calling.

Years ago, I came upon the term and decided it was true for me. Given the amount of suffering I’d been through, I wanted there to be meaning behind it besides “shit happens, you’re genetically predisposed to psychosis.”

Well, it’s been thirteen years. I’ve learned how to commune with spirits and all that, but I’m still Schizophrenic. I don’t have Shaman Sickness, and I don’t know how to express the grief I have surrounding this.

When Reality is hard to grasp, and so many moments feel like Eternity… it’s a special kind of suffering to know that the Madness I face has no inherent meaning—and neither does the universe because I’m too outside the box for religion.

This is why I talk to “God” so often. Because I’m fucking pissed. My suffering means nothing to the world, and although I have been blessed with housing, food, a supportive family, doctors who believe me—and fought for it every step of the way, I grieve.

[libericives]

MFW the Integration process of Soul Retrieval kicks in…

[libericives]

I have a Plural System—or otherwise undiagnosed DID/OSDD—which I usually collectively refer to as “Liber CIV & Co.” I discovered it because I noticed I have completely different worldviews depending on my state of mind. It mostly involves a split between personalities I consider a Thesis and Antithesis.

My ‘Thesis’ is a personality based on a world-weary depression that clings to any sense of normalcy, comfort and stability. His name is Alastor. He generally operates under the radar, and he has very low self-esteem. He focuses inwardly.

His ‘Antithesis’ is named Valen. He’s a hypomanic change agent who likes to stir up trouble in the name of justice—and has no qualms calling out the emperor for being naked. He’s very inspiring and motivated, but his energy is unsustainable. He focuses outwardly.

Neither of these personalities are entirely functional, but there’s a third one who I know exists, but can only currently aspire toward. Their name is Sev, and they act as a Synthesis of these two disparate extremes. Sev may as well be my Magnum Opus because I can only access them very rarely.

[libericives]

My True Self @ Me, During Psychosis:

Meanwhile, Every Deity I've Met: