life-archive

[life-archive]

Fresh start

New years felt new? like a fresh new start. I started tearing up in new year because i felt renewed in some way - i felt happy that i was still here with my parents and lola (all happy and healthy). I felt like it was a bid goodbye to the whole pandemic phase and that this is a fresh new chapter for me. i finished my wine before 12, hugged my parents and grandmother, and my dogs. Before bed I remembered my promise of taking care of myself - so i dragged my whole body out to brush my teeth. Off to the first agenda's of the year - gym in the morning, study in the afternoon with family time in between. 2023 you will be good to me!

[life-archive]

I am looking forward to that day, when I can cross paths with someone who is genuine. Hard to find that nowadays.

Sound petty to feel sorry for myself, but I havent found genuine love in my lifetime yet. I had fulfilling relationships that I now see as great lessons but I never had someone who was willing to put everything down for me (exaggerating for this entry only). I never had anyone really "fight for me" or let alone just make "ligaw" - haha might sound so oldschool but i want to know how it feels to be wanted? if that makes any sense.

My relationships were all created upon drunkness and lust. Im not invalidating what I had with those three relationships but I dont want to be the one making the initiative for everything. All three of those relationships started - and lasted - because of my initiating.

I want someone who is willing to understand me. Although I want someone now, I just dont know if I can let down my walls and free some emotional space to care for another right now, not after many painful heartbreaks.

After the accident too - I know I need someone who will be there for me, like really be there. Not just be there for the relationship. I need someone who is willing to put the same initiative into the relationship, with dates, energy and willingness to work and understand. I want someone who I can have intellectual conversations, but with good humor. I need someone who understands that I need physical time together and who will reassure me when I am possessive and jealous - I know, Im working on that too.

I know i can give alot to a partner, one thing that I havent been is loyal. Contradicting considering how much of myself I give to my partners. Maybe because I never saw them as permanent people in my life. I just needed someone to not be alone.

But i think thats why its great that im alone now, so I can be aware that Im ok alone, and to work on my possessiveness/jealousy. Thats the only thing I dont understand about myself - I am possessive and jealous when it comes to people i love. My family, my siblings, and partners - luckily not my friends. Im searching for reasons, the only thing in the top of my head is that maybe im afraid of abandonment. Cliche, but i think it stems from when I was younger, i know I had my sister, I know i had my family when I had no friends. I was lonely in my early teen years and the only people who were really there for me was my family. And so i think i tend to cling onto those people, so that even if the world would leave me I would be okay. But it gets unhealthy to the point that I am pushing them away but ignoring boundaries.

I am aware that I was not the best partner in my relationships, but I am working on it. And I hope I can be the best mature version of myself when I meet my person. I hope you come soon though, its getting kind of lonely third wheeling my parents and my sister. I'd like to know how genuine love feels like, and what kind of love you'll offer me with.

random thought: do I ever cross my exes minds? I think of them every now and then, but knowing how they might all hate me after our breakups - do they ever think about, how am i doing? As I do to them. I miss them, but I am aware that I never want to be in a relationship with them again. Im just the type of person that - I gave a big part of myself with these people and i have to live on with my life knowing that they have that part of me with them forever. I hope I dont sound weird, but in a way thats how I feel. I always believed in the idea that you loved them in the relationship, and just because it ended doesnt mean that you'd have to stop loving them - but maybe just in a different way now.

there was a week where I was thinking about all the what if's with one ex. And immediately I dreamnt of that ex and I getting back together. I remember feeling on cloud 9 that I was back with the comfort of familiarity. And the closest relationship to what I think was genuine. But i remember that ex saying yes to officially getting back together and I vividly felt the emotion of anxiety. Anxious because I worked so hard on moving on from the trauma, the toxicness, and the pain that person gave me. Anxious because I knew that ex was not someone I would spend my life with - and which made me even more anxious knowing that it felt like impending doom, like it is bound to end again and that I will put myself through that heartache again. Anxious that maybe I cant be loyal yet. My emotions were so vivid that I almost thought it was not a dream. I woke up as if it was a wake up call from god. But also made me realise - i may want them back now because I have been single for the whole pandemic and that im lonely. But if it'd actually happen, it wouldnt be the best idea either.

I dont know where this post is going, but Im really just speaking my mind. I just hope that I will never have to go through this again - the process of giving myself (another piece of myself) to someone, and them taking that piece of me away forever. I feel empty already. I miss my old self who was not heartbroken and who was naive. But thats the point of life right? To learn from mistakes. But I am proud of myself nonetheless, i think my last relationship - which I realised was my most shallow relationship, but was my wake up call - because I realised my self worth and did not let that ex break that. Especially not after all the other heartbreaks.

Hope that I can only grow from here on!

To my future self, have you found him yet? is he treating you good? is he close to your family? you havent had an ex who has the balls to meet your family yet, so I hope he can finally be the cherry on top! Hoping all is well for you, I only want the best for you. We've gone through so many painful lessons, so let's not go backwards anymore - if you are feeling as so, lets get back up again. It's always not too late.

[life-archive]

List to get my shit together: - buy everyday jewelry - so I can look presentable without trying - Staying away from chicken (at least until the acne and eczema has healed) - exercising and joining active classes so I can at least work closer to my goal weight and body - skin care! Regular facials like before and waxing :) For studying: FOCUS! staying away from netflix and youtube. Answer more quizzes to speed up the process

[life-archive]

Backwards

A few more hours into 2023, and already ending the year on a sour note. Not in the best terms with the family and I am not anywhere near prepared for the board exams. I had started my online diary on instagram a year ago but my paranoia always tells me a friend would find me on there, so to keep it more personal (with more meaningful entries, typing from a computer) - I've decided to head back to tumblr. I had a personal online archive as well but thats well in the past. Looked back today so I could look forward. I feel as if I've been moving backwards ever since I graduated college. I had my dream body and I let that go - and I think that is one of the reasons why my life has gone on a downwards spiral. My body has always been my main insecurity. Now that the pandemic had made me gain weight, so much that I dont think my college friends would recognise me anymore. Two years (or three) of countless diets and starving and I keep going back to this weight. 2x than what I was in my heaviest. Because of this, I've hid away and stopped communicating with my friends. My life has revolved around work ever since the pandemic started. I dated a guy I thought I liked, but ended it for not only me but him. And at that point I felt good because I finally had figured out that I was more than a relationship - something I centered my college life around. But I have not had any action since then. I used to be wanted, I used to be in relationships, I used to feel confident. After the 2 out of 3 college relationships - I lost everything. or at least it felt like it. I lost my spark in my eyes, my body and my car lol. (for future reference, you got into a car accident from a little heavy drinking and almost got locked up). I dont want to jinx it but I dont think i put enough effort to pass the board exams, and that's going to add onto the list of why I think my life is going backwards. But at the same time I want to go forward with it - because what if i do pass? and if i fail, i can get back up and just do it again right? I mean I failed my thesis, and I got back up 10x stronger. I really am looking up for 2023. The past few new years I've just seen it as another day, but i am hopeful for this new year. 1. Passing the January 2023 Exam 2. Losing weight 3. Taking care of myself, and becoming the better version of my best self (which was me in college) 4. Trying out a pilates, cycling and golf class I realised that I keep mourning for my past and that I should let go to move forward, but I've been stuck just there. As I type this, I realise the only reason why I keep looking back is because that was me at my best. Best self care, best body and best positivity (confidence). The root of this is mainly just me fixing my habits - with eating, with exercising. I think once I get back to a state of being happy with my body again, I can build on the other aspects. I looked back at pictures and I used to not be so food-crazy. I used to actually use make up, jewelry, nice clothes and fix my hair. Something that I dont do anymore ever since the pandemic - which resulted to an overweight, acne filled, inflamed eczema and lonely/depressed self. I need to get back up this year, and Im counting on myself to get back up. Hope my next entry will be me as an architect, in a comfortable weight and without an inflamed body! The reason why I love online archives, is so I can look back at it and understand what my head was like. My instagram entries were so shallow, and its great knowing that i've grown from it and im capable of doing so. With paper, my hand hurts so its hard to express every single thing Im thinking about. I WILL look back at this entry a year from today and I KNOW I would be in the place I want to be. I can feel it, or at least im manifesting for this to happen. Here's to a great, optimistic year.