linesofchaos

[linesofchaos]

i'm back after one of the worst years of my life

i say one of because nothing truly awful happened, aside from the depression that made me incapable of moving or thinking clearly for pretty much 12 fucking months

yesterday i watched a video on internal locus of control and something clicked inside of me

i take no accountability for shit. i took not giving a fuck to the next level and now i just give up when anything is remotely difficult because somehow at some point in my life, i believed that everything is supposed to come easy to me

now there's nothing wrong with that per se, i guess i should want to believe that it is the case to some extent, but not to the point where i just act like nothing is worth it and rot in my room for the rest of my life

that was never the type of life i wanted for me, on the contrary and sure, trying isn't cool, working hard isn't cool, giving a fuck isn't cool

but it's kind of necessary if i want to have things lmao

and i do

i have stuff i want to accomplish, shit i wanna buy, places i want to see, people i want to meet but how the fuck am i gonna do that if encountering the first pebble on the way makes me go back running to the start line?

what baffles me if how did i never realize i've been doing this my whole life before? how blind can someone be to their own self? jesus

i know it's gonna be hard as fuck to change this. not just the actual going thru the path until i reach what i want, but the mechanics of making my brain learn that it's okay to try and figure shit out for once, instead of saying fuck it, i guess it's not meant to be

that's like my mantra, my m.o. and i have no idea how to change this. how to motivate myself when it gets hard, because i'm not sure i'm gonna believe myself no matter what i try to tell me to convince me to not give up. it's been decades teaching this piece of crap inside my skull that nothing is worth the hassle, what can i say that it's going to make it believe me and change? this is scary because i know what i have to do but i don't know if i can do it

it's not like the first time that i will try to stick to something. i have, many times, i have tried to offer myself rewards, i tried pep talks, the difference if that now i know why they never worked so now i don't know what to do about it

it's true when they say you find one answer and 3 more questions come up

what am i going to do? i want to be angry with myself but i know that's not healthy. all the stuff i have in store just waiting to say when the moment comes when i give up whatever because of whatever, it's all in the back of my head right now and i can hear it already because my brain just knows it'll be saying all this shit to me in no time

how do i fight this? how do i fight for what i want when what i want doesn't seem like it's worth it? it's probably a self-esteem issue

[linesofchaos]

*deleted ss of “void results”*

just read the fucking post and lol to yes sound super bitter, it all just sounds like a bunch of lies and acting as if specially “waiting” >>> weeks <<<< to MAYBE show proof of results? like, a pic of your phone??? weeks??? bitch come on, how fucking dumb do you think i am, just say you are acting as if, nothing wrong with that lol i fucking hate liars 

[linesofchaos]

-46

Trying to avoid negativity and expectation's been hard. I tell myself I don't have any (expectations, I mean) and yet... This thing about feeling / being grateful is easy, as long as I live in the moment and never waver... which is the hard part. Can people really spend their lives not thinking about the future? How did stoics do it? Doesn't that drive them up the mf wall? Because it kinda does to me. No matter how hard I try to not think about the future, well... sooner or later, it starts to come up again and I get worried. That's another thing, the worry. Not knowing shit is one of the worst feelings I can go thru, so it makes me feel insane and so frustrated.

It's like a battle between feeling grateful, trusting the process, believing good things will come and the dread I'm wasting time, I'm getting fucking old, I have no prospects, no money, no job, and I'm gonna die as an useless piece of rotten garbage.

The not having a job bullshit is freaking the fuck out of me. I am trying to shut up this voice in my head that I'll lose the little money I get from my pension and then I'll be complete and absolutely fucked, but the voice's getting louder and louder every passing day. I'm literally trained for nothing. The job experience I have is useless and I have nothing to show for these past 5 years (maybe even more, I have no idea). If I could at least get the money to take the cruise ship curse, that'd be something but I don't even have that... It just feels like I'm against the wall with no wait out and all I want to do is scream until my lungs give out.

Lucky for me, my family doesn't directly pressure me about getting a job. They definitely want me to, my uncle even sent my CV to some people but I can't get anything because I have no fucking usable experience. What I need is someone to come to me and say, hey come work for me. That's literally the only scenario I can see myself getting a job at this point. That or getting a fuckload of money out of thin air.

I don't know what to do and it makes me hate myself. I'm sure in a couple of days or even minutes I'll go back to the grateful vibe wtv I've been in for the past few months, which is cool because at least takes off some of the weight I put on my shoulders, but at the same time it feels like I'm ignoring what needs to be done. Not that I see shit I can do right now towards getting a job, which that irritates me to my very core, but I never said any of this would make sense.

ps: i keep seeing posts about getting into the motherfucking void and that also makes me want to fucking scream and slap myself until I pass out.