lisamccrack

[lisamccrack]

It's back.

Or maybe it was never gone. I will never know now. Months of physical check ups, an MRI, two xrays, a CT scan for bowel obstruction, several months of phone calls with complaint of pain, and an endless supply of opiods. They STILL didn't pick it up. How can this be? Where does any of this make sense? If the naked eye cannot see physical changes to the cervix, then what exactly is the point in them looking at it that way? The mind boggles. My biopsies are positive for cancer cells, so we go right back to square one. Like I already said, groundhog day. Same months, same time frames. Will the cancer spread be the same too?! There was nothing else it could have been, given the level of pain that I am in. I recognise all of the pains, niggles and sleepless nights. But you have to hope! And you do hope. Then the hope is shattered by reality. It feels worse this time, because I know how ill I could be. My options have diminished to one. Chemotherapy. 😭 The one poison that didn't agree with me before, is now my only chance of life. Fuck. When did this get so bad? Why have I been chosen again?! It'll be an even stronger cocktail this time, because it will be used to kill the cancer, rather than mop up after radiotherapy like before. I'm actually going to lose all of my hair. This is a huge blow to me. It's a part of my identity. I cannot get my head around how I am supposed to volunteer myself to go, knowing what I know, and what it will do. Not only that, but it feels like everything I suffered with treatment before, was for nothing. What was the point of it all. I literally only had 3 months of feeling good, to then be here. I should have known it was too good to be true. The timing couldn't be worse. I am at the weakest I have ever been since recovering from my small bowel obstruction. I'm still underweight and struggling to gain. Things have been so bad, I have had my mum move in, and we are having sleepovers in the same bed! The 24 hour surveillance on me continues. I haven't got anything left to give. What more does this disease want to take from me? I can't stop myself from thinking "what if" I had just accepted that my pain was radiation damage? I constantly feel like I am screaming into deaf ears. I can't believe it. This is really happening. Again.

[lisamccrack]

The reality. Two stone down, and not alot left to give. 🤢🤧

[lisamccrack]

A prisoner to pain.

It's been 7 weeks since I left the house, other than to attend a hospital appointment. It's been 7 weeks since I ate a full meal. It's been 7 weeks since I got up out of bed and moved around the house freely. And I have lost count of the weeks that I have been in pain. The pain is the centre of all of this. It decides when I can get up and shower, sit on the couch, or hold a civil conversation with someone. Most days are spent alone, lying in bed, scanning through the same social media uploads over and over and over again. I haven't bothered with the TV. I'm not sure why... it's as though I have becomes so fed up I cannot even be bothered to concentrate on anything that is shown. I've used my tolerance with liquid morphine, and I've used my tolerance with slow release tablet morphine. I'm not sure what there is next on the list when these have been exhausted. You would think that based on my weight right now it would have an effect?! I use enough drugs in a day to knock out a large cow for a weekend. I've even tried to get friends to take my prescriptions to check they are actually 'real' morphine, and not some placebo "mind over matter" sneaky shit supplied by a smart ass doctor trying to prove a point. No one has obliged. I've had my investigatory op. My bladder is fine, which I felt was ok anyway. My bowel is wrecked. Not beyond repair at this point, but causing me daily grief that is yet to be addressed by anyone! I am keeping a log of all the things going on so that I can present my case... again. As usual, I feel like my pleas for help fall on deaf ears. I have narrowing and scar tissue that has caused loops in both large and small intestines. All I can do at this point is try to eat all the low fiber foods I can handle. I am not too successful at this right now, but I am trying. My cervix is not so good. There is something to be seen there, that the surgeon referred to as a kind of ulcer. He said that because of all the damage by radiotherapy, It is impossible for him to say whether it is cancerous cells or damage caused by the rad itself. However he did say though, that it is rare for radiotherapy to cause such damage, and this worries him. Which of course then worries me. Two biopsies have been taken, and I now have to wait for up to two weeks for the results. I don't feel as though I'm waiting for cancer or not cancer. I feel as though I'm waiting on "cancer, how bad is it. What can we do". The level of pain that comes from the exact same area as before, keeps me up all night, sends me crazy... it's all too familiar. Here I am blogging at 4am because as normal, no pill is enough to get me through. At the moment I am fuelled by rage. I am living real life groundhog day. Last may I was referred for cervical cancer, and told I had IBS. They missed it. Roll on to September and I was diagnosed. One year on, I alerted my team in May to the pain I was having, dismissed, and now here we are in September waiting on the same results. I have to wonder, if it wasn't for my persistence, would I even be alive? They have a lot to answer for! First thing this morning I will be making the ever dreaded call to Macmillan to chase my results, and complain about pain levels, again.  I did call two weeks ago for further pain relief, but they never did get back to me. Such service 😑 Another complaint I have is regarding my last appointment. They sent me the notes on this, and it's as though we attended two different sessions. None of what I said has been recorded, and their own version of my state of mind, and physical being has been made up! I left a voicemail about getting that changed too... again no response! So as you can imagine, my very thin tolerance for this has kinda gone past being thin now, and is completely transparent. I am fed up having the daily conversations with my mum over the what if this, could be that.. maybe it's.... NO! if someone would just get back to me, physically invite me in OR come and see me, then I would have the answers.

I am tired of this crap. It is a constant circle of the same old issues, and me still the driving force behind it all. Even after everything I have been through! You would think that it would been enough to be taken seriously, no?

I wonder, shall we place bets for how long it takes me to get a response from my nurse? I'll go first.. 48 hours. 😝

[lisamccrack]

The hardest part is finding a positive in what feels like an impossible situation. . . . #1year #canthatbeitnow #cervicalcancer #lifechanging #cancerawareness #hatingthewaiting #healthiswealth #loveyourhealth

[lisamccrack]

A not so happy birthday 🎈

It was supposed to be the best present I ever did have. I had been dreaming about it for weeks. It's going to be the miracle I need to sleep. My Gran was dying. The palliative care box arrived and I knew that inside there would be a little bottle of morphine. What has life become, when instead of thinking of going to say goodbye to the world's best granny, all you can think about is stealing whatever stash she had got instead! Sadly, my granny died on Thursday 10th August. Poor soul. She was 90, and had struggled with alzheimers for years. It's bitter sweet. Before she went to the magic in the sky, my auntie had said to her "When you get there, make sure you get Lisa sorted". Amazing. I hadn't even thought of trying that. You do all these crazy things when times get desperate. Anyway, it was half 7 when I got the call. Now bearing in mind macmillan usually close their doors by 5pm, I'm taking it that my granny did have words when she got there! I was getting my very own morphine. An entire bottle, all for me. Yippeeeeeee. What a birthday gift. Nothing can top this. I'll be pain free in no time. My mum collected it the next day, my birthday. 29 years young. Start with 2.5ml they said. Then if you feel you need more, you can take 5ml. Fast forward 3 days, and I am knocking back 10ml. Unknown to macmillan of course. What? They don't work weekends. AND I'm still taking paracetamol inbetween. Who ever heard of morphine, that lasts two shitty hours. It's pishwater, a dud. Surely this can't be right. I get better relief from the pills I take. I have tried to force some upon every visitor to see if it has any effect on them, or if I have become immune. I was supposed to be on a pill ban for the weekend, to allow my kidneys and liver a break from the over use. But. I just cannot. Without them, I cannot function. There is no Lisa. I am back on 24 hour hotwater bottle too. Which isn't always ideal when you've become a bit of a night sweater! Hot water bottle on stomach, fan on face. Morphine also brings with it a little friend. One that makes it less than pleasant to go for a poo! 🙈 It's a good job Lee was nightshift. As I spent the entire night rolling around my bed willing the need 'to go'. I've had enough! Its 3am, and I'm tired. 2 laxatives down the hatch, and I'm on Google. "Exercises to encourage bowel movements". The next two hours are spent prancing round my bedroom following Dr Gs advice, and inventing my own yoga moves. No such luck. It's 5am now. Lee will be finished at 6 and I haven't slept. Right then, 2 pain killers will sort it out and then some shut eye. See what tomorrow brings... Morning did bring me some relief, even if it was a struggle. I will take all the credit for that. It was my 2 hours of self help in the night. I still haven't got dressed. I've actually lost count of how many days it's been. I think today marks the start of week 5! Wow. I really am living like a hobo. I've even gone back to not brushing my hair. Don't judge me! The last time I left the house for something other than to go to hospital was the last day that I actually managed to go to work. Hmm. When you think of it like that, it has been a real drag. I am pushing 7stone 2lbs. So I have my trusty 300 calorie 40sips juice to keep fattening me up. And, I am under 24 hour surveillance between Lee and my mum. They are issuing meals and snacks in micro portions throughout the day for me, and it has been great having my mum here for food. She makes a far better meal than Lee, sorry Lee. I have a catch up with my nurse today. I suppose she just needs to check that I am still alive after my weekend consumption of morphine. She should also have a date for me to see a surgeon! Then we can finally start looking at a long term fix for the disaster that is my intestines. I'm also due to have a check up with Mr seffrey, the gynae surgeon. So fingers crossed all is still behaving in that department. It has to be. We've had all the bad lucks now, there cannot be anymore 🤞🤔

[lisamccrack]

[lisamccrack]

Radiation. The gift that keeps on giving.

7 months post treatment, we have bowel behaviour like we are 7 weeks into treatment. The gift of a clear scan, twice, but the side effects just keeeeeep on at it. Between boxes of pain killers, countless refills of the hot water bottle, sleepless nights, 24 hours of aching pains, I mean,why stop there? Let's chuck in some diarrhoea for good measure. 🖕💩 Of course I enjoy several trips to and from the bathroom. It's basically becoming a hobbie. 🤔 Not only that, but we are vomiting the rainbow. I haven't touched any food let alone skittles, so unsure why my sick resembled that. I missed Ascot, and I will be missing my birthday treat to London to watch the Royal Ballet too. Another total waste of money, and complete disappointment. I suffered two long and agonising weeks, three gp trips, several calls to oncology, and two a&e trips later.. I FINALLY got someone to listen to me. I don't know what it is about me, and doctors not being able to spot a problem first time around. It's scary when your life is in the hands of these people. My GP sent me straight to a&e the first time. I had xrays, bloods, etc etc.. gynae came to see me too. I'm unsure why as that wasn't my complaint area; I entertained them anyway. Hours later I was sent home and told to use pain killers until they didnt work anymore. Then when they stopped working, another stronger pain killer would be prescribed 🤔 I suffered on for another week, before taking myself back there.  This time, all the same tests were taken, except a doctor was working that actually gave a shit. He said that he had reviewed my previous xrays and the ones taken that night, and wasn't satisfied with what was showing; but he isn't a surgeon, and so he would fetch one to review. It all escalated from there really, next thing I know I'm off for a CT scan, having my backside used as a lucky dip bag, and the worst of it, a tube shoved up my nose, down the back of my throat and into my stomach. I have been through alot in the past year, but that tube has got to be up there in the top 3 worst things to happen to me. My god it was painful! The tube means nil by mouth, and 4 days into no eating or drinking, you start to lose your head a little bit! They have been treating me for an obstruction in the small intestines. What has been coming up and out of my stomach, is nothing less than vile. It has been a long 4 days. I am exhausted, but I think I may be on the mend...again. I have been moved to a private room today.. says male on the door... but I'll take that! It comes with a private bathroom. I have had my first taste of food, on a liquid diet. Soups and yogurt! If all goes well I can have a solid tomorrow. I'm thinking white bread toasted, smothered in lurpak butter. Ahhh the hunger! 😱

[lisamccrack]

Groundhog day.

My results came back. No obvious signs of recurrance. Obviously this is the best news. I struggle to excite myself about it though, the pain is still there. They said I have fluid in my abdomen, which was of "unknown significance". The images were taken to the MDT meeting on Tuesday to be discussed. The outcome of that wasn't in my favour. They looked back to my previous scan, and there was fluid then too! Just no body mentioned it. Everyone on the board has agreed that the fluid is a result of all the inflammation. My body is making it as a kind of reaction. So no need to drain it. Well. That's just fine then. I'll carry on my life in pain shall I? I've taken two days off work this week from suffering. It cant go on! I cried at work on Tuesday. Something I have never done there before. It's really getting me down. After I was told that they wouldn't be doing anything for me, they suggested it would be ok for me to go back on Anti Inflammatory pills. Since it's inflammation I'm supposedly dealing with. I had taken 6 pills in total, and by Thursday evening I thought I was going to burst. My torso became really bloated, as if someone had stuck a hand bump in my gob and blew me up. My stomach was rock hard. The pressure wasn't releasing. Now in my past experience of this, the only way out is at the rear end 😨 but this was something else. It was as though everything had stopped and I was stuck in this air pocket. I started being sick. Is it groundhog day? Have we gone back in time? Did I dream it was over, when it isn't at all? Lee was at work. No one to fend for me. The dog didn't understand, and maintained her constant need for my attention. So much for animals being tuned into our inner feelings. She hadn't a clue. The sickness continued, and I started to feel desperate, so I called my friend to come to my rescue. She set me up with hot water bottle, and a drink, and I didnt move for the rest of the night. By that I mean I didn't leave my bed. I did toss and turn so many million times, it's impossible to count. Between pain, feeling sick, and pissing with sweat, let's just say I've had better nights. I'm supposed to be at Ascot on Saturday. I feel like I can't make plans anymore. Every single time I look foward to something, it is ruined. Groundhog day it is then. Back onto Macmillan to find out what is next. I wonder what my chances of a call back are now?

[lisamccrack]

Well it's done. The waiting for all of this can drive you out of your head. Around a week for results. I have managed 28 years, living pretty much stress free. Any previous occasion I have thought I was stressed or anxious has nothing on this. N o t h i n g. I couldn't breathe in that machine, and I very nearly burst into tears every time I have to go in. I'm not sure it's even the actual scan that bothers me anymore. I think it's more what it represents, and what it could reveal. A quiet word with myself in the mirror before hand allows me that last minute of telling myself to get control of it. I'm an expert in that now. Being in control. I'm not though. Only on the surface. Having the time to sit down and think about what I want and expect from a counsellor has made me realise that I am a little broken from all of this. Not beyond repair though, I don't think. What I have also come to recognise is that my cancer is the elephant in the room. He may stand quietly in a corner most of the time, but he is there. It's important for me that he stays in the corner, and does not stomp his way into my day to day life. I can deal with the corner, but once in a while, he'll blow that trunk, make a lot of noise, and I will have a moment. A self pity relapse. Don't tell me I am entitled to it. I'm not. My pain is no more real than anyone else. It's learning to accept it. That's when you're free from it. That's what I am still learning to do. So what *do* I want from counselling? I want somewhere to go, where I can say whatever I want outloud. Cry if I want to. Or not, if I don't.  Say what is really on my mind, not a sugar coated version. How are you? ... you never REALLY say how you feel. Do you? I want to speak all the dark thoughts that cricle my mind, admit my compulsive behaviour with google. I want to tell someone the enormity of what has happened to me, my REAL point of view. And I want to do it with nil fear of hurting the person I am telling. I am not short of friends and family, who I could go to at any point and spew it all out. But, I don't want to. It's not that they're not good enough, it's that they're not 'stranger' enough. Does that make sense? I have another assessment next monday. On from one service to the next 🤔 I wonder if I would be better seeking private care. I'll give it a go; exhaust the options before I put my hand in my pocket. I'm starting to sound like my dad 🤣 if it's free, take it!! I have gave in and started to use paracetamol again. I'm disappointed that I am, but I cannot be bothered to suffer. While I am at work, I keep on top of them. Then when I am at home, I will try distractions. That way I have some kind of break between them, and not total dependency like before. Of course the need to even use a pain killer scares me beyond words. I really feel they shouldn't be necessary this many months after treatment; still doing my old favourite ... crossing fingers. 🤞 I seen the nutritionist this weekend too. She was pricey, so I am hoping that she comes up with a top notch plan for me. She has all the detail from the last 9 months, and I am looking forward to having some sort of guidance in how I can heal my immune system from all the damage, and most importantly, strengthen my bones!  She said it will take her two weeks to come up with all the recommendations. I had better make the most of my treats, I have a feeling they'll be the first to go 😫 So here we are. 7 day count down for results. Obviously I am taking no notice of that and will call daily 🙈 The must be so sick of me. 🤷🤞

[lisamccrack]

Yeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaa 🤘

[lisamccrack]

We Are Macmillan.

"No one should face cancer alone" "For cancer support, every step of the way" What.A.crock.of.shit. Who are macmillan? What do they even do with all the millions raised for them every damn day? Lisa you have cancer, your 'dedicated' (and i use that word loosely) macmillan nurse is Claire. She will be your first point of call for anything. Nothing too big or small. Unfortunately for them, I'm like an elephant, and I NEVER forget. Don't be promising me shit that you cannot deliver. Good old claire has been non existent since diagnosis, and I have had to rely upon the ONE other macmillan nurse available to me. Of course when I say rely upon, I actually mean, useless, bull shitting, qualified blagger. I can sit here and type to you the voicemail they use. I have heard it THAT many times.. "Hi you have reached the voicemail of Antia *protects surname* and claire *protects surname* Macmillan gynae oncology clinical specialist nurse.." Alright, so I cant remember it all, but I have called at least 50 times this week. Since my last post celebrating being taken seriously, and being told that a CT scan was booked; LIES.   It was a Thursday. They said that the scan was requested, and that a letter would follow early the following week. Why do they insist on posting letters? Surely appointments are accessed pretty instant these days. Everything is recorded and booked through a computer. Send an Email confirmation? Send a text? Grrr. No letter came. I felt at the time, as though Tuesday was being a bit impatient, so I waited until Wednesday before calling to chase it up. This time, there was no voicemail available. Whether they forgot to turn it on, or whether it was full... I dont know. Either way I didn't get to talk to my favourite robot. I couldn't be bothered to sit and press redial all afternoon, in the hope someone would walk by, hear the ringing, and pick up. So I called the switchboard. Northampton General uses an automated (another machine) voice control service, so if you know the name of the person you want to talk to, you're winning. After going round the houses from oncology reception, the Luke radiotherapy building, to a rather rude radiography department. I finally had a brainwave and went back to the switchboard. "Dr Mak Secretary". It worked. Ha Ha Ha. He He He. Feeling all accomplished. 💆 why didn't I just try this to begin with!? Deapite my successful telephone ringing, everything else was a complete flop. No scan had been requested. No information, or my complaints of pain had been recorded. Dr Mak was not aware I had made any contact since my last appointment. Good one macmillan. Really taking care of me. I spent the next 15 minutes explaining my situation to my new found contact, Michelle, and put it all on her to get someone to call me back. No call back came, standard, so first thing Thursday morning (yes we are a week on), I called them. It wasn't even 9am when I called, and I expected to talk to the machine; but by some miracle, a human being answered the phone. Not just any old human being. It was Claire!! My 'dedicated' Macmillan gynae oncology specialist. Well I never. Claire! Wow. I thought you had jumped shipped and no longer worked for the department... Needless to say, she was not impressed by my sarcastic tone. Needless to say, I could not give a shit. Cutting an endlessly long story short, a phone placed on a desk (presumably they don't have a hold button?!), and me being able to hear everything. Between the two nurses they came up with a story. The reason that my scan wasn't booked, is because they weren't sure whether I would benefit from a CT or an MRI, and this would need to be discussed with my oncologist.🤔 Of course now Dr Mak is on holiday - until Monday - so frig all will be done until her return. No other oncologist will make the decision, apparently, as Dr Mak knows me best. 🤔🤔😒 Fumimg, I accepted their excuses and went on to call Michelle, the Secretary. I just HAD to check that Dr Mak was actually out of the building. She was. Lucky for them. Monday soon came around, and did anyone call me? No. So again it was down to me to chase them up. A second miracle occured, and Anita picked up the phone on my first call. It was around half 3, and she hadn't yet had the opportunity to talk to Dr Mak about my scan. However she was scheduled to see Dr Mak tomorrow.. so promised to call me then. Yes I know, It's getting boring now. Tuesday came and went. Wednesday came and went. My patience came and went. Several voicemails later, shared between the Secretary, and Macmillan. I finally got hold of Michelle. She can't really help me. 😒 I need to talk to Macmillan. Well yes, that would be nice. If they would actually return my calls. She sent an email on my behalf asking someone, anyone to call me back. Thursday  - AGAIN. I carry out my usual 2 hourly voicemails. Then from 2:30 onwards I called every 30 minutes. Finally just after 5pm I got a call back! It's been decided.  I will have an MRI scan and not a CT scan. Then depending on the results of the MRI, then they may also do a CT 😩 After re reviewing my previous MRI images, it has become apparent that I actually have bone damage to my pelvis, and spinal lumbar. First I've heard. They believe that my cause of pain is because of this. I don't agree. So here we are, Saturday morning. Waiting on the post man. Maybe a third miracle will be blessed my way, and a letter will drop through my door with a date. Failing that, come Monday, I'll be back on the phone. 📞☏☎📱 I won't hold my breath though, as Anita has skipped off on holiday until July, and that leaves me in the hands of Claire; who evidently does not work Monday's (also questionable on the other days). If I can't get through to anyone, the plan is to go back through the switchboard to the MRI department. Act the innocent. Say my letter is lost, and I need to inform work of when I will be needing the time off. Hopefully.... HOPEFULLY... my name will be on the list, and I can then get my name down for any cancellations. Not usually one to wish a weekend away, but, roll on Monday.

[lisamccrack]

Cancer twinning

I haven't really mentioned my cancer twin before now. I didn't want to identify her, and one day have her feel as though I have violated her right to anonymity and privacy. I feel now though, that me and my twin have reached a stage in our friendship that she would accept and forgive me, if she was ever to come across this blog. She knows I blog, but I have never shared the link, nor has she ever asked. I wanted to have her feature in a whole post of her own too. It's the least she deserves. 😏😉 We refer to each other as our cancer twin, because we were so similar with our diagnosis, scheduled treatment, and all of our dates. I cannot tell you how essential it was to have someone who I could lean on, going through the exact same, at the exact same time. Even now we still talk most days, not always about cancer and what it has done to us, although we do have some laughs about it all. Sometimes we just chat about the next colour we plan to paint our walls. Yep. That boring. It's important to me that we stay in touch. She's the only person on the planet that I have, that really, truly, understands me and what I think or feel. I find it easier to share with her becuase of that. I like to think that we keep each other sane. We have a bond that I can't have with anyone else, and although we met under the most tragic circumstances, I am glad we have. If it wasn't for the cancer, we would have never crossed paths. We are polar opposites, but it works. Well, I think it does. I think in the coming months, providing we both heal as well as we hope to, we will arrange to finally meet in person. Maybe around Christmas, and then I can take advantage of the shopping centres she has in and around her home town. She does make me feel at ease when I message her in a panic over my symptoms. As strange as this sounds, to know that she too has some pain, it gives me hope that it could all be a part of the healing process. She's a bit more hippy than I am. She follows and believes in crystal healing. Every time she gets something new, I wait for her feedback. As crazy as it may sound, if she says a little stone she bought in a local shop worked, I would 100% buy one too. 👧👧

[lisamccrack]

Feeling this tonight 😩 I finally have someone to take my new pains seriously. A CT scan has been requested, and I should get a letter any day now with the date. While I am relieved to be able to have a scan, it has also brought back many of the anxieties that I had boxed away. I am switched off from everything going on around me. I can't seem to engage in conversations properly because my mind is wondering back to the darks of cancer. If you could see my search history. 😱🙈 I am back consulting Dr Google on the regular. How quickly can cervical cancer return. Cervical cancer recurrance. Cervical cancer recurrance symptoms. Cervical cancer recurrance treatment. What percentage of cervical cancer comes back. You know, every kind of search that you can imagine, it's been searched. I have exhausted all of the links that are available, although there isn't that many. I feel annoyed that I have allowed myself to think too far and freely into the future so soon. What if that is all about to change? Then I also think, why shouldn't I? Why should I give up everything because of this. No! I have to stop doing that to myself. It isn't healthy, I know! Why is it so difficult to move on? I have never felt such a baby in all my life, this isn't me. The paranoia eats away at me. It's just like the angel and devil sitting on either shoulder, encouraging and discouraging the negative and positive thoughts. I wish I could silence them both! I find the waiting for these appointments exhausting. I am sleeping more, again. I think that's down to causing myself stress; or I am just looking for an excuse to be lazy?! Either way, today's nap was appreciated. Roll on scan day. Put me out this misery! 🖕

[lisamccrack]

Emotional mixbag.

The thing about this disease is, no matter how hard you try. You can’t win over what you’ve lost.

It’s incredibly hard, when one of your closest friends has a baby. A baby that she so deserves, and had her own hell to go through to have. You feel joy, happiness, and then out of no control of your own; sadness.

Sadness for yourself.

Sadness that we can’t try if, we wanted to. Sadness that we can’t experience. Sadness that we can’t choose.

Only then to feel selfish.

Sefish for thinking of yourself on a day that is the happiest for others. Selfish for taking that moment of sorrow. Selfish for not having the ability to control your own thoughts.

Then anger.

Angry for having no control over how you feel. Angry for having no control over your future choices. Angry for dragging the person that you love down with you.

Then back to feeling sad. Except not for yourself, for your friend. Because you’ve cast negativity on the birth day of her first child.

Not that she will ever know, but I will..

Will there ever come a time where I can freely only think and feel for others? Will myself always be taken into consideration, in all future situations?

I do annoy myself with it all.

The emotional recovery to a life threatening disease is far less straightforward than I had thought. I find myself living from check up to check up, fearing that it will/has come back.

I am terrified of every little symptom or health issue.

I am trying to find new ways to cope with this and take my mind away from obsessing about recurrance.

I keep planning trips, holidays, house renovations - things to focus on, and look forward to.

Planning things is a distraction, and that in itself is helpful.

I am on a waiting list to see a kind of counsellor. They’re called ‘The Wellbeing’ team. I think they assess individuals needs before referring people onto the right channels. Although I have been forewarned that waiting lists can be up to 10 months long.

I have also privately booked for a consultation with a nutritionist. I still haven’t taken any HRT, and I am not ready to admit defeat in finding an alternative way to avoid osteoporosis.

Not being able to control every aspect of my life can be quite difficult. I suppose it is a good thing that I am able to recgonise this.

I need to ensure that I do not allow feelings of fear and anxiety to escalate. The last thing I need is for them to grow louder and dominate my existance.

I must not allow the fear of cancer coming back consume me.

I need to learn when worry preys on my mind, and create strategies to control it.

I suppose that is why I have agreed to see the wellbeing team.

My hope is combining new ways of thinking, and following professional guidance with my diet I will feel like I am in control. That I am doing something toward keeping and maintaining both physical and mental health.

Giving myself back some control.

I am experiencing some pain at the moment. I know this is why I am obsessing. I have contacted my nurse, but she seems to think it is pain related to doing too much 🤔

I don’t feel like I have exerted myself. I don’t want to rest either.

I have agreed to give it another week or so, and to rest more before I can go back to clinic for more checks; but I have already convinced myself that I do need to go back in. I know that if I dont, my mind will not rest.

“Take some pain killers” - was the advice.

I won’t use pain killers, after over a year of abusing their use.

And anyway, if I do that, how am I supposed to monitor the pain level?

It don’t agree the pain is muscular, or bone related either! I will need to be 100% proven wrong, not just someone’s opinion over the telephone - however qualified they are.

[lisamccrack]

💙

[lisamccrack]

Life goes on... I guess.

I've been living 'cancer free' for 6 werks now. I act like it's all okay, and I'm doing well. I guess I am physically, but there isn't yet complete peace in my mind. I suppose I should accept that it wouldn't be normal to take all those punches and come out as good as new. My body has betrayed me. It has taken my health, and not just for the short term. Even if the cancer stays gone, there's a whole load of other crap that I'm trying to deal with too. I've had three UTI's in recent weeks. I cant be sure yet if I'm just unlucky or if it is a side effect.  Probably the latter. They never develop into anything major, 3 days of anti biotics sorts it out. Still just as irritating though. Fertility. This is bothering me the most right now. It was never really on my mind before, but I suppose it isn't when you just assume that you will get your chance. I'm 28, I have no children. My dream to carry and give my husband a child is gone. Well, it's gone in reality... but it hasn't yet been mentally accepted. Every other day now I find myself thinking about it. It seems everyone around me is getting pregnant. I can't, we cant, escape it. I seem to go through phases where I care more one week than another. My mind and soul are exhausted, so we decided to book a last minute break 🌴 get away from everything and everyone. The hotel and surroundings were beautiful. I have never really rated Tenerife before now, but this had everything we needed. Everything except the conveyer belt of pregnant women that rolled in 🤔 During the week, 13 pregnant women came and went. Thirteen!!! How does that even happen? Never before have I gone away and been surrounded by that many bumps. I'm certain it's not just because it's now on my radar, and I am noticing it more. This was a definite first. I resorted to taking sneaky pics on snap chat, with their number hashtagged to it, #10 #doublefiguresnow. Photo proof to my friends that this isn't one of my many moments of exaggeration. There really is some pregnant society going on out there. Lee kept saying "it's the season". 🙄 Sometimes I find myself wondering if it is a punishment for something I have done, in a past life maybe. Or maybe it's the good and the bad evening itself out? You can have a clear result but you can't escape your reality. Can't have it all! I do wonder though, why can't we just be given a week where we can free our minds? There is always something somewhere rubbing my, our, noses in it or something that goes tits up with me health wise. I must remember to be less selfish and stop making it all about me. Lee is suffering this too. 🙈 I don't know. 😣  😑 We wondered down to the beach one of the days, I'm not a huge fan of the sea, but this beach was really nice; and, NO bumps in sight. You could call that a win, but instead we were faced with old women and their saggies flopped out or trapped under their arm pits 🤣 (o)(o) What's the lesser of two evils? 😂 We chose going back to the pool. Despite my over active mind, I did enjoy our time away. I wished we could have booked longer than a week. I think my parents may have died from sleep deprivation if we did though. The dog doesn't seem to follow the same rules in their house. Lee doesn't have the holidays at work either. 😣 While we were away I started to get this pain in my stomach too. A new pain I've never felt before.  At first I put it down to the bladder niggles I was having. The pain came and went, and I said to Lee that I must remember to mention it to Dr Mak when we get back. Could it be indigestion or something? I didnt think of it again, until it happened again. It was more painful this time. A kind of squeezing pain coming in waves. Our last night away was ruined because of it. I couldn't eat, and I didn't want to be sat in a bar holding my stomach either, so we went back to the room. After an hour or so the pain disappeared, it is really strange. I was fine flying back home the next day, and forgot about it again. We had an early night, and around 3am I was woken with the pain again. This time it was really intense. I knew something was wrong, but I went out of my way to avoid showing Lee how painful it was. I knew, if he knew, then he would have had me in A&E. I was sure that it would pass again anyway. 5am came and went, and Lee had left for work. I didn't even make it until 6am and I was calling him to tell him I couldn't cope. I had made the usual mistake of consulting Dr Google, and convinced myself that I had appendicitis. If I didn't come clean now, own up to say that I am suffering, then I would just lie here and die, and no one would know. A friend of mine works nights, and came to my rescue before Lee could get to me. Lee left work, and by the time he got to me the pain was finally starting to subside. I knew it would eventually! Sods law after he has rushed home to me. We agreed that going to my GP was a better option. I still get straight in at the doctors, I'm not so sure that's a benefit, some would argue that it is. The Dr had me doing pregnancy tests 😩 Does this woman have any clue? Of course they came back negative, and she went on to have a poke at my stomach. She said she could feel something, fluid perhaps, but was just guessing. Yep. Guessing. ☝️😂😭😫 She can't be sure, as she doesn't know if my anatomy has changed since radiation. Great, so, that was a waste of time. I did get an urgent blood test out of it though, the results were supposed to be available that evening, but even by lunch time the following day I hadn't heard anything. I seen Dr Mak on the Tuesday, and explained to her my latest drama. She went over all of my scan images with me, as I expressed my disappointment of how my NED results were delivered. She isn't sure if my latest symptoms are related to treatment. It's possible, but she couldn't feel anything. Not even this fluid that GP mentioned. I've been prescribed more pills to see if they change anything. They're for gastric issues, so we'll see. I'll be rattling if I take all of the pills I've been prescribed at the moment. I say If, as I still haven't started to take the HRT yet. I just can't bring myself to do it. Despite all of this, the good news is.... My 3 month check up was a good one! Still cancer free, and still going. Roll on August for the next one. If i get a good result then, it will be HONEYMOOOOOOOOON booking time. 🎉🌴👰🤵

[lisamccrack]

☝️👍👌 #jostrust #joscervicalcancertrust #joscervicaltrust