lisasoullee

[lisasoullee]

There was a point in my life where I was in so much love. This guy showed up and promised me things that I never dreamed of. He promised to never hurt me. To give me a good life. To always be there for me. To build a wonderful life with me because I was the woman he wanted to be with. He was my childhood friend, my 8th grade sweetheart, and was the soul mate I was destined to spend my entire life with. Or so I thought.

After he gained my trust and heart, his true colors showed. He was manipulative, jealous, and emotionally abusive. I wasn't allowed to go to church, see any of my friends, go to Bible study, or even go out. If I disobeyed in any way, he would cease all affections, warmth, and love. He would block my calls and messages and ignore my pleas for him for extended periods of time. Hours and days. We were in a long distance relationship. He was in the Army and I was in college.

Eventually, it became more than just not letting me see friends. He took away my virginity with the threat that if I did not give that to him, he would leave me for another girl. He then told me that if I did give my virginity to him, he would marry me and treat me like his princess. He would continue to "supposedly" treat me good. I was hesitant about this because I wanted to wait for marriage because of my christian beliefs, but went to visit him because his promise seemed so true. Then I changed my mind, but he took my virginity anyways against my will. This guy then went off to Afghanistan and continued to emotionally abuse and manipulate me. He had me already so invested. I was afraid to leave even though I was unhappy. He had taken my friends away.. my purity.. and my sense of freedom. I spent many days stuck on Skype with him, watching him sleep. I was not allowed to do anything else, but sit there on my computer watching him. If I did anything remotely as walk away to eat or go to another room and he woke up, he would immediately end the Skype call and block all communications from me for days. This caused me so much misery. Moving forward, he bought a ring and proposed to me once he returned from his deployment. My mom did not like this as we were both only 20 years old and I was still in college. She refused to give my hand. This guy became furious and insulted my mom saying that this was America. And that she had no say in whether we got married or not. He then went to manipulate me and talked about how my mom was controlling and that she was standing in the way between us. The pastor of my church (Tom) also learned of some of the things that were going on and tried to stop me from marrying him. I tearfully told him how I felt like I needed to because I had already given my virginity to him. At the same time, whenever this guy and I were together in person, he treated me so well. I believed at that time that he would change. I ended up marrying him. A month into our marriage, I caught him looking for "cute army girls" to sleep with on Craigslist. I was so devastated. I wanted to leave him, I wanted to go back home. My husband didn't let me. He was the sole income holder at the time. He refused to send me home. He said home was with him and that he did not mean to look for other girls. He begged for me to stay with him. I ended up threatening suicide and he called the military police. I ended up going to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation and depression screening and was sent home. We then got marriage counseling where the "christian" counselor tried to convince me that a husband looking at other girls was normal because he did it too. My husband continued to be caught watching either porn or searching for local prostitutes. But I continued to stay because he would repeatedly state that he would change, he would beg, he would cry, he would say he loved me still.

Things only started to spiral from there. He went from crying and begging to sexually assaulting me everytime we fought. He would pin me to the ground so I couldn't leave and assault me. He would then tell me that he owned me and that because we were married, he could do whatever he wanted.

I tried to leave this marriage and contacted his parents to convince their son to go home with them up in Northern California. However, his dad gaslighted me through facebook and text messages. He painted me as the abuser and threatened to have his cop friends arrest me (his dad is an ex cop). He called me a "bitch" and a "cunt". He accused me of forcing his son to marry him when it was actually the opposite. He then threatened to come down and find me. To hurt me. His mother even called me toxic and gaslighted me as well. I stayed with my abusive husband. I couldn't leave.

One day I stood up to his abuses and slapped him. He called the cops, his dad called the cops, and they both made sure that I went to jail for my crime. They claimed I was physical abusive. When the cops asked me if my husband was abusive in any way, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell them how he has been repeatedly sexually assaulting me and verbally abusing me. I admitted that I did slap my husband. I went to county jail for 24 hours where I was treated by the guards as a criminal and was fearful for my life. My mom gracefully bailed me out and convinced me to divorce him. I sought help from my church pastor (James). This pastor not knowing the full story told me that it was my wrong for slapping him and that no guy would ever want to marry me. He told me to stay and get marriage counseling.

My husband promised yet again to change for the better. I later found out that day that my husband had been happily playing video games while i was in jail. He only put on a "sad" face when I tried to leave him.

It has been 8 years of marriage to this very husband. The lying has not ceased and time and time again I have caught him trying to hide things. He has strangled me for simply talking to a guy friend (had to go to urgent care 3 years ago) and he has pushed me (had to go to urgent care last year).

Just today I caught him in a lie again and asked him to simply leave the room. My husband refused and even went as far as blocking me from exiting, following me around the room, and refusing to let me leave anywhere. He, his father, and even his mother have gaslighted me and has painted me as the abuser when in reality, my husband is the real abuser. I had to call the police today to feel safe to even leave my own home (I paid the downpayment and pay all the mortgage costs for the home).

I regret marrying my husband and wish that I could tell my younger self to walk away.

At this point, I have no idea what I will do. I am currently in graduate school full time and work full time. I am only a year away from graduating. I cannot afford the financial costs of divorce. I also fear for my life from my toxic husband and his toxic family.

If you ever recognize any of these signs from your significant other. Don't make the same mistake as me. Leave while you can. People don't change.

[lisasoullee]

It's my birthday today. Today I turn 28. It's a milestone that comes with so many reflections. Once upon a time, I used to think 28 was going to be the best year of my lifetime.. it was going to be the year I would get married, travel, and have kids. Life; though, is so unexpected. Rarely does things go as planned. I've learned that life is beautiful in a very strange way. Most of the time it is pretty lonely but a blessing nonetheless.

Here is to 28 years of life! 28 years of overcoming and learning to love.

[lisasoullee]

It's so difficult to remember in a generation that's all about "me, me, me". We must build a name for "myself", do what makes "me" happy, live life doing what "I" want. But, why does all of that matter when everything we did and built fades away when we die?.. Was it really worth living such a selfish life? I hope I can live out what this song and what the bible describes. I really don't want to leave a legacy.. and I really don't care if people remember me. I hope that in what I build and do and accomplish, the only person people really remember is Jesus.

[lisasoullee]

Love On The Line Lyric Video - OPEN HEAVEN / River Wild - Hillsong Worship

[lisasoullee]

God Answered me

Last week, my mom went to church for the first time in over 10 years. Something I’ve been praying about since high school. It took this long to have that prayer answered but the fact was, God heard me and He answered it.  Thank you Jesus for bringing my mother back to you. 

[lisasoullee]

Safe Haven

I rediscovered my Tumblr account again after I got an email saying that this account was officially 6 years old. And I realized… I haven’t written anything here in years. Except I did mention coming back at some point, which was a lie it seems because I never did come back on again after that. I think it’s probably because life got so busy or maybe because I’ve gotten lazy.  

Anyways. As I looked through this old account I was reminded of how much this site was like a safe haven for me. It was a place I was allowed to express my feelings and thoughts. A place where there was no judgement and a possibility that someone might find my post and be encouraged. You know, know that whatever they may be going through that they are not alone and that God is there just like how He was and is here for me too. I liked that about tumblr and I feel like I should get back to it. Afterall, it was a safe place for my thoughts. Not to mention seeing my friends still use this site, which was a bit surprising! I like that though because there’s some pretty cool and funny posts being shared. It lightens up the day :) hehe. So, I guess I’ll be back.

Oh yeah and before I forget, I wanted to mention to Alyssa if she ever sees this post that I am doing great! Hehe, looking back, it was a very silly to have stuffed that whole fortune cookie into my mouth with you, but it was a lot of fun. ^_^

[lisasoullee]

Beautiful

[lisasoullee]

Was listening to this while driving through the night. Really uplifts your spirit!               Freedom, take hold of my heart!              Spirit of God come fill this place              Jesus, you're are all I want              Have your way~          

[lisasoullee]

In a season of uncertainty and fear of what may come, God spoke to me through this song. And the lyrics are so true. You, my Father, with your unconditional love, make me brave.

[lisasoullee]

Spiritual warfare is very real. We face it everyday in our lives as the enemy comes in and tries to take our identity away from us with its' lies. For a moment, we may believe them, and it may seem like it had won. But as we turn our eyes back to Jesus, "we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." For the "weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world." (2 Corinthians 10:5 and 2 Corinthians 10:4) Our weapon, is Jesus Christ. And He has overcome. So with boldness I declare that I will fight to follow I will fight for love Throw my life forever To the triumph of the Son And I know Your love has won it all.

[lisasoullee]

Such a beautiful song

[lisasoullee]

I love and trust in you Lord. Only you.

Psalms 33

[lisasoullee]

You will never fade away Your love is here to stay  By my side, in my life  Shining through me everyday! Hehe, great new upbeat song that speaks truth! Praise the Lord! :)

[lisasoullee]

Psalms 139

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in-- behind and before, you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eye saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.  Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." <3

[lisasoullee]

Father to the fatherless, defender of the weak Freedom to the prisoner, we sing This is God in His holy place This is God clothed in love and strength Sing out, lift your voice, and cry out Awesome is our strong God mighty is our God :)

[lisasoullee]

You are the love I need You are the air I breathe You are my love, my life, always forever I would lay down my life Just to be by Your side You are my love, my life, always forever This song came up as I was on my study break, playing the piano. It was a reminder to me that He is all I need. Everything in this world is only temporary, but He is everlasting. A love that will last forever...