whocanirunn2

[whocanirunn2]

Wow So now it’s 2021 & what I know now is to listen to your gut! EACH & every time! No matter what!

[whocanirunn2]

fєвяυαяу 19 1am

Let me remember how I’m feeling so that I will never ever feel this way again!

I have really gone out of Gods plan with this 1. It’s amazing how just 1 person can just flip everything upside down. Now I’ve heard that can happen in good ways too - that’s just not the kind I’m referring to unfortunately.

So I tend to blame myself for the paths I’ve taken in my life & I still do. I’m not really one to point fingers and blame someone else Bc I FEEL I had a choice. Eh, I have always had choices and I let my emotions (( I’m an empath)) take over — take over my whole brain!!! And then after a while I’m invested in more deep feelings of “love” but also majorly hurt from the recipient I’m involved w th at the moment. As I look back over my life and these choices I’ve chosen I see clearly my mistakes. And I even think I see them as I’m making them but my stupid heart, mind, emotions take over and I start to think “well they could be better in time with my help”. I also tell myself that I can love them so much that all their pain will fade away. But boy have I missed the mark on that ! And every single time I have! Not once have I succeeded in that thought process. I can think of one time but it’s no use speaking of that.

So everyone I’ve chosen has been no good for me. From 2006 to now 2018. That’s 12 years of wow....!12 years of heartbreak and pain! I picked 2006 bc tjayd the year I returned home from Iraq. My life was really good then sad to say. Hard to believe that being in war how could anyone say life was good. I think because I knew I could die at any given time & I knew those around me would love me until my last breath. Now at home that’s a different story. My parents would but they don’t live with me so I’m able to hide all of these feelings. And I have no accountability people to see me in person so it’s easy to hide. Especially behind this “smile” that everyone likes.

Anyways and now I’m finally a mom! Something I’ve wanted to be my whole life!!!!!!!! My first baby! My first everything! And I’ve done it all by myself! From peeing on the stick finding out I’m pregnant to current. Everything alone. Figuring it out along the way with no guidance or assistance or hugs.

The guy that I thought was my love has hurt me so badly. It’s not bad to him Bc he’s not a good person and had treated other women worse than me he says. But he told me today that I would’ve been better off having my baby with someone else! I laughed to try to hide my pain but I just ended up crying a little then a lot after we got off the phone. I truly couldn’t believe my ears. Like I was for once speechless. That’s how hurt I was. Like I wouldn’t want my baby with any one else but who I had him with. But that’s me. & not everyone or anyone thinks or feels like I do. I’ve been told for 2 years how I’m this im that I don’t do this I complain I’m not trusted etc..... all bc ichose to STAY around him. Stick by his side. Now that time is passed nothing good I’ve done ever will matter bc of the bad I’ve done! What have I done? What did I do? I stayed when I should have left. Bc now I’m hurt like never before now. But like they say time will heal all wounds.

I just pray this 1 heals fast!

[whocanirunn2]

... 🙏🙏🙏

[whocanirunn2]

Doubt it

[whocanirunn2]

иσν 29тн

Today is Wednesday. I answered his call like a straight dummy. All it lead to was the same crap... nothing was better. He tried to say things about me and what I’ve done to him & how he doesn’t understand me not wanting to express my feelings now two days later after I cried when I told him and all he did was not care about my tears and continued to argue and say what I’ve done.

So I stayed I would get rid of his stuff bc he called me vindictive & I said ok then. He said he’ll call the cops and I’ll go to jail for destruction of property. Once those words left his lips I hung up.

This guy is a total waste of my time. I’ve wasted two years that I can’t get back. I can’t continue to hurt myself all for the name of “love” or wanting a “family” So I deleted the email app so he cannot email me more crap & fake apologies. And when I blocked the phone it must not have worked bc he’s called 20 times! I answer and hang up.

I hope he stops bc there is nothing to say any more. He’s burned this bridge completely.

I pray I remember this & all I’ve been through & never allow myself to torture myself ever again.

[whocanirunn2]

иσνємвєя 27

I found out today that the guy I love has lied to be. No biggie right? Everyone lies. Or it was the beginning. Or I was a different guy back then. Or I’m not that guy anybody. All “reasons”. It’s been a total mess & it seems to be continuously happening. Bc I stay. If I leave I won’t have to deal with it. So we broke up AUg 8th and he immediately got his lady friend Ebonie to change his profile photo & block me from Facebook. In doing that he got her to set up a status so people could get ahold of him since they didn’t bother for 2 years! Great way to give those folk a second chance! So ffwd she confessed to him that she was chatting with ppl pretending you’re be him so then he told me and claimed “we have to eliminate her” she messed up his last relationship & he didn’t see it then etc... so he wanted me to go in & not read his messages and just delete & block ppl. Once I told him you can’t just delete without reading it he couldn’t remember his password. I bring it up a month later & he argues with me of course saying I’m “dwelling or living in the past”. So he all of a sudden remembers it yesterday out the blue when I was mid-sentence. & I go on there and oh Lord what I saw was what I figured. Him sending penis pics, posting my boobs on his secret freak page he had with his other lady friend Ronda! I was in so much hurt bc I couldn’t believe it but I should have known. He’s not a good person. So I blame me! & all his messages were deleted somehow & 8/1/15 was his last message. So she erased them all right when he remembered his password how coincidental huh! So of course I’m furious ! & he says sorry but goes in on me trying to say im assuming, I dated another man, I want control over him by having his password, I haven’t changed my number so it got turned on me yet again! Reverse psychology at its finest. It happens each & every time! This guy loves to make me/ women mad. He has to. It’s so obvious. All bc he lost his mom so no respect for Any poor woman in his life. & here I am being dumb. With a hope & prayer. So I am so hurt but I have to be okay. Like he’s not even sincere in his apology. Dumb me. Words don’t mean crap if actions are the opposite.

[whocanirunn2]

тωσ уєαяѕ αgσ

My whole life changed! A week prior my fiancé got locked up on the 4/5 & on this day 11.13 I found out I was pregnant! So many emotions went through my body & mind & soul.

Today I did my makeup well & decided to go out. Bc my BB has been sick & today the sun was shining. So we went to the veteran place unannounced just to say hi & check if she knew about my letter being mailed this week. She informed me of the BEST NEWS!!!! I finally got my 100% IU !!!!! I couldnt believe it as I have like $42 in the bank & mom already told me last week or so “idk what you’re going to do next month” Bc she could only help that time as she’s still helping daughter #2. I wasnt even thinking of that yet as I only go day by day. I was more concerned with my electricity being cut off this month. But I couldnt mention it.

So we went to target to get some food & browse car seats! That’s the first thing I want to get! Bc my B.B. is getting big!

I am just so grateful!

I️ also received 2 very heartfelt emails from my love today! He’s really doing what I’ve been asking for forever! Not trying but doing & I am not asking for it!

All I can do is thank God Bc he knows what I meed more than I do!

I am elated !!!

[whocanirunn2]

fσя ѕυяє

[whocanirunn2]

September 7th

God will get me through 🎶

[whocanirunn2]

30 august

It’s 3:22am & I just woke up to kill a cricket ! Grrrrrrr! That little thing was so loud! Had to give him walking papers! Ha ha Hopefully I can go back to sleep soon!

[whocanirunn2]

αυgυѕт 24

<p>Today was awesome !!! <br /> Had a nice nap Bc apparently I was pooped from yesterday! <br /> Enjoyed our time at the park exercising & spending time outside with our Heavenly Father! </p> <p>All is well<br /> It is so! <br /> The best is yet to come!<br /> It’s coming ! & im ready !

[whocanirunn2]

αυgυѕт 23я∂

<p>It’s been a long while but I’m back !!! <br /> I just got a new screen today as I cracked my screen last Sunday in Maryland. Today was a great day. I had yummy gluten free funfetti pancakes & bacon & 1 egg for breakfast. I went to the veteran office to chat & follow up with my claim status. Then we went to Walmart & Aldi. Then around 7ish we went to the park to exercise & I dropped my phone again! So I said ok ok & went to Springfield town center to get a new screen! As we waited I went in 5below & got 2 dresses, a pair of slip on Army shoes & perfume ! We got home around 9! I gave my baby a bath then to sleep he went. Then I ate a little rice & beans. Then I relaxed a little then cleaned my nightly duties… vacuumed, mopped, clean & wipe down kitchen, showered now I’m laying in bed. My baby just was screaming so I have him a little water. I love him so much. & we’ve been having so much fun lately! May God continue to bless us!

[whocanirunn2]

ʝυℓу 1ѕт

A bit of a day… I slept off & on most of the day. Drifting into depression yet again. So I thought today… I’ve never settled for someone that didn’t make me happy this long. So no wonder why I seem to be changing. It’s rather sad. I can’t help but to think of ppl in my past Bc I was “good” - it’s not easy looking forward to be honest. I just think I took my own path instead of Gods. 
May he have mercy on me.

[whocanirunn2]

June 30th

Today, I am glad it’s over. I woke up around 6am bc my BB was hungry then we went back to sleep. I heard a knock on the door around 8-9 but once i got to both doors no one was there. I saw the UPS truck but nothing was left. So I went back to sleep. We slept until 10. When I woke up I saw that DF had called twice, but I did not have my ringer up. I decided to see if the Apple store had any availability at another store and they did so I got dressed and fed my BB lunch and headed out to be there at noon. It was really nice in Clarendon, I enjoyed walking my BB in the stroller looking at stores and homes and families walking by enjoying the summer day. No great news leaving Apple. As the diagnostics were fine. Ugh. So DF calls and I was so glad to see that but that soon faded bc he was getting frustrated bc he couldn’t hear me well, my phone was losing signal, the wind, then once I got in the care my gps was loud, i got lost so he wasnt saying much. then he said he would call me later, but i was already ready to talk and have a good convo. but those things interrupted it. So I decided to to to Target and enjoy shopping with my BB. DF calls as we are headed to the checkout. UGh. So I am checking out and i have so much stuff for once, and there is a kid behind me just being rude talking to me asking tons of questions, and the mom is just ignoring him bc she’s on the phone.. and DF is just silent on the phone as the minutes dwindle away. So he said he wasn’t going to talk bc people are talking to me and he hears noise in the background. Blah. So that call ends once I get home bc at this point I have nothing to say. Then he asks what should we do when neither one of us has anything to say and i said just go talk to other people. and that made him mad and he said that was bS. So then more drama began. Then i receive and email saying how i walk over him with my words, and hes in prison, and what am i doing in this relationship, he can give raw responses, im too sensitive, the usual...and he says ps dont come to visit. so then he calls after 1-2hrs and by the end of the call i say well we both arent happy and if it wasnt for me emailing you the other day bc of BB’s er visit we probably wouldnt be talking so we kind of messed that up and just moved along. I was on the phone with apple for those 1-2hrs and was trying to fix my phone. So she called and i had to end the call with DF. We restored my phone and were giving it until tomorrow to see how it works. 

After that things started to look up. Or at least my spirit was. I knew I didnt eat all day except for breakfast bc i was out running around all day and i had to take the meds that i was given. so i had to eat. i wanted to get us mcdonalds but i didnt feel like leaivng. so i thawed some fish. fed my BB. then I ate. it was very good and I enjoyed eating my meal. then i took BB outside for a walk to the laundry machine. He was holding on so tight, I love him! I did laundry 2 loads. Then watched Sesame street with my BB. He was rubbing his eyes so I knew he was sleepy. I put him to bed then Ii got to work. I cleaned the kitchen as always,load the dish washer, wipe down counters, sweep, spray lysol, take the trash out. I emptied all the bags from today. Folded 2 loads. Vacuumed. Cleaned the bathroom. then Showered. All done. I am tired. and exhausted really. Oh, I almost forgot the best part of today! When I went to go do laundry there was a ups package on the floor. I was like omgosh, was this here all day?! It was the check from the Semper Fi Veteran group with my rent check! Yaeeeeee! And to my surprise I had 4 50.00 wal mart gift cards in there too! how Awesome ! Mom also figured out a way to help with the rent as well. Some good came out of today. 

[whocanirunn2]

ʝυиє 29

I woke up to a text message saying I have 2k being sent for my rent from the connect that Alicia Pitt gave me !!! I didn't think I could get help bc it's a marine organization and I'm Army. But forget my "thoughts" ! Then I saw j had a few emails from my DF. Made me thinking a few things I had not. Then off to my BB dr appointment then I went to check to see how much 1 tire costs. $109! Then I called the vet place & someone answered the phone finally & I asked if I could stop by. She was free & ready! Usually I have to wait. As I was telling her everything DF called so I stepped out & took the call since she was in the phone doing work for me so we talked & I told him the things that have been going on. Then after 10 minutes he had to go. But we still said I love you. We had a big ole argument a few days prior. It was nice to hear his voice for sure! Then I stop at McDonald's to get my BB his first happy meal : 4pc chicken nuggets & fry & apple slices & I got myself nuggets & small fry. We went home to eat & I started applying to places for help. Then I remembered that my tags expire tomorrow! Sheesh! But before that I had to get an emissions test ! So I waited to go after BB took a nap. We went and waited a little. Then came home. I was tired. Then I went to print out my registration to have in the car & I was out of ink so I brought it to the couch so I could type in that part in eBay. Somehow I laid the half empty cartridge on my iPhone and ink soiled it from what I'm guessing. There was ink but only on the sides then DF called and my phone was so choppy & there was a huge delay in him hearing me & I could hear him fine. The phone call just cut out so I called sprint to see my options bc I have been having issues with this phone forever! I had such a nice agent & she gave me 3 options! So I called Apple Store & then went there since pentagon is 10 minutes away. I took a turn too soon & ended up at the Pentagon! So I said ugh but I said oh it's s nice time to take a pic! It was 9pm so no cars were around. I get to the mall & im like shoot I don't know where the elevators are haha i's a momma now! So made an appt for tomorrow & then we left. $2 for parking. Traffic was stopped & my gas light came on. But we made it & my baby went to sleep immediately! I got to see the last 15minutes of my fave show threes company that I watch faithfully every night from 9-10pm. :) today was better! ThankU Lord ∂αу3

[whocanirunn2]

ʝυиє 28 - ωє∂иєѕ∂αу

Today was yet another day to remember. When I woke up I could barely get out of the bed due to severe back pain. When I inhaled my back hurt even more. I could not bend to pick up my BB. I could barely walk. My first instinct was to call my chiropractor to schedule an appointment- so that was set for 12:45 pm. I continued to feed BB and then put him down for a nap. I decided to call around to take care of some business and see if I can get any assistance. I applied to a few places. My back pain was worsening so I called to cancel my appt and prepare to head to the ER. So I proceed to call the Veteran on duty “nurse hotline”. The wait time was ridiculous so i opted for a call back. I got ready and packed up food for my BB. Once the call came through i specifically asked if i could go to the nearest ER bc my pain is severe and i have a stick shift car and the base isn’t that close. That got shut down so to the hospital on base I went. I got there around 11:30am and was told to wait and I would be seen. I also received my letter that i requested the day before. Around 2pm… I was told it would still be a while and there were 4 walk-ins before me plus the scheduled appointments. I did not have any extra food for my BB and he was so tired and irritated. I tried to hold him but i was in too much pain. So  I left! Pissed and in pain! I called the stupid medical nurse hotline again and asked why wasnt i allowed to go to the ER near me and now I wasted 4hrs and I still wasn’t seen. So the i was given a number to give the ER and told I could go. I ate breakfast at 8am so I was hungry and had a headache. I stopped at home to get food for my BB and water for myself. I was such in a bad state  I got into an accident on the way and hit the curb - with just myself. I hit the curb so bad my steering wheel wouldn’t go straight so I knew my tire was flat. So back home I went. Now at this point I cannot go anywhere. Once I got my BB out of the car and got into the apt I fell to my knees and just cried my heart out. My poor B was just looking at me so concerned as he was on the floor with me in his carseat.  I called my mom bc i have absolutely NO ONE else in my life who is there for me. I was crying so hard i couldn’t even talk. My mom was so scared so i had to try to tell her i was ok but i really wasnt ok. I told her all what happened and she said i dont know what to do. So i got off the phone and cried more. Then  i stopped finally and had to figure stuff out. My sisters called but they cant help with any damn thing. Asked if I wanted them to come over? for What?? I been in Hell for over a year now doing/figuring everything out on my own -so no! We can’t even have a decent conversation so NO I don’t need that extra stress. I then called my insurance to see if they would send roadside assistance. Then maintenace came to inspect the apt. Stuff was everywhere and I was on the phone with Roadside so I couldn’t talk to them or pay them any mind. My BB’s pediatrician called to verify my appointment and all this at once! I had to put my BB in his stroller bc I couldn’t pick him up. I fed my BB then put him down for a nap bc i knew he was pooped with all the commotion going on with me. I thought to write my Senator about the issues I am having with the VA. I drove to fax it and once I got there the lady remembered me and asked how I was doing I said oh terrible she said it;ll get better then i said well see, i said i only need to fax and she proceeds to tell me that the fax machine was broken. I was like Wow. I eat a piece of bread and fix a bottle and bring food and head to the ER. I was seen and given drugs! I went to CVS to get my prescription drugs and of course I was not covered bc I am a Veteran and do not have outside care so I had to pay for my drugs. This day was horrible. I just got done eating ice cream since I didnt eat. Ice cream isn’t healthy but i dont feel like cooking or eating or spending money. I am exhausted and still crying. I received an email from the fiance telling me that he cant trust man he has to trust God and a lot of bible verses. It actually confused me but it’s great to know that when we aren’t speaking he is this Christian guy and all. Great for him. Once thing I realized is taht I am there for EVERYONE else when they need me. But when I am in the burning pit of HELL noone is to be found. But if I ignore everyone im wrong. When I isolate myself.. I hear ‘it’s not healthy’. I. am. tired. May God help me. 

∂αу#2

[whocanirunn2]

ʝυиє 27тн 2017

As I sat on the picnic bench & felt the sun rays on my skin and the wind blow through my hair I realized that in this moment everything’s gonna be just fine! I picked up my baby blessing (( BB )) & I got the biggest smile! I had a 4 piece nugget & small fry from McDonald’s. I gave my BB a fry for the first time. BB held on to it flipped it around then in the mouth it went! A little frown surfaced then a hmmm let me try again - BB sucked on the fry and enjoyed every bit of it. First time feeling self!! Woo hoo!!! Then I took a few photos of the clouds as I saw the overcast get closer. Made me also think of how quickly storms in our lives come and how unexpected they can be. We walked down the hill to the baby swings and BB loved it! I squatted down a bit to take photos & BB thought it was sooo funny! Which made for great photos! Then I felt raindrops come so it was time to go. I was going home then I made a U turn and went grocery shopping. Then came home after that. I sent an email to my dearest fiancé (( DF )) bc we just had another argument & the ER visit last night had me thinking our fight was dumb & how quick in a blink of an eye how things can get worse. I apologized & said I miss you. We’ll see tomorrow if I get a response … as he is in prison. He’s been down almost 2 years now. This is my first time ever going/dealing with this. We aren’t married. He’s still legally married. I had my BB alone. Found out I was pregnant a week after he got arrested. What a story huh? But it’s mine & it’s true. Never would I imagine my life this way. I often pray that I’m on the path that God has for me. My wants > Gods wants! What I want isn’t always what’s best. Time will tell. I texted two friends tonight. Both first time moms (ftm) like me but with a little older baby. I needed some help or ideas for my BB. It’s amazing how we have that in common ( FTM ) but are still very different. Mothering is not universal. And babies learn at different stages. Had an amazing dinner tonight from a Mexican food truck! Did my nightly cleaning ritual which includes: vacuuming, sweeping cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys, cleaning bathroom, putting dirty clothes in hamper, wipe down high chair, let doggy out to pp, shower, brush teeth then HELLO bed. Pray & reflect ! Thankful for today

∂αу 1