litchizzle

[litchizzle]

7.29.24: Coming home

always feels like a step into a different world. A very distant, nostalgic world.

I'm 14 years old again, insecure as hell in P.E. class. I've latched myself to a group of friends who are probably cooler than me, but okay with me for some reason. (We're all insecure, that's the magic about high school). We're walking around the track when we should be running the mile. We're rebellious like that (I am actually very very nervous that the teacher is going to yell at us). We sit on a bench in the shade when he's not looking. We pick honeysuckles from a nearby branch. We trade our secrets - Emily forgot to shave this morning, Judy is re-wearing her bra for the 3rd day in a row. The sophomore boys jog past us. My secret is you.

I'm 16 years old again, going to Kohl's with my mom to do back to school shopping. I'm at the age where I wouldn't want to be caught dead shopping with my mom, but no one at school shops at Kohl's (or claims to, at least), so I'm safe. Kohl's has always been a safe space. I nervously pick out new clothes, for a new me - there's always a new me these days, at least a few ones each year. I begrudgingly try on the clothes my mom picks out for me. I pick out a few new outfits - some of them will work and some won't, but that's not the only time I'll learn that lesson.

I'm 18 years old again, on a date at the mall. We just watched a movie and I'm still getting used to having his arms around my shoulders in the theatre. It feels a little awkward with the large seat arms between us, but his hand in mine always feels just right. We go to buy some dessert, and while he pays for my ice cream I sneak a glance at the neckline of his white t-shirt just as it moves over an exposed collarbone. He usually likes to dress in button-downs but I love him in a simple tee. We walk hand-in-hand around the mall, killing time - it's the suburban way to say "I want to spend more time with you, though there isn't much to do". We run into a few friends we know from school, and they giggle and wave when they see us together. I'm still a little shy about this, about us, but I don't mind getting spotted together - kind of like it, even. We get to share a bit of our secrets to the world.

I'm 20 years old, catching up with friends over a bowl of jjajangmyeon and a shared platter of tangsuyuk. We just finished a long week at our summer internships. We're still learning what to say during morning stand-ups. The other intern on my team made an odd comment about my heels, which made me self-conscious. Karen validated me by calling him weird. We had spent the latter half the day in a shared meeting room, giggling over our phones and researching how to improve our credit score. When 5 o'clock came, we shut our laptops and booked it out to get dinner, like kids running out of school when the last bell rings before summer. Granted, it was summer, and we were kids. We were giddy with the long days ahead of us, and the last year of college was approaching and promising us sweet memories: new loves, long nights staying up making art and studying, watching the sun rise together, getting hired for our first full-time jobs, drinking our way through the town that watched us grow for the past four years.

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I'm 28 years old at the same track again. I'm trying to run more often now. Running is cool now, unlike when we were 14. Everyone I know is training for a 5k, a 10k, a marathon. Being healthy is cool now. A couple friends of mine are having a dry July. (I haven't committed to something like that, but I don't feel the need to have more than one drink on Friday evenings now. Drinking ruins my next morning and I feel all groggy at yoga.) Then sun is beating down on my exposed back and it smells of blacktop and turf. I took my cool riverside runs in Boston for granted. I have a podcast playing in my year as I jog past the bench we used to slack off on. A few high schoolers are practicing lacrosse on the field. I remember when I had a crush on that boy on the lacrosse team, but I don't think I ever learned his name. I post my run on Strava.

I'm 28 years old with my mom at Kohl's again. I don't care who sees me (all of my friends have moved out of town. I would be elated if I ran into anyone I knew). I don't care that I probably look like a teenager shopping with their mom. Well, I'd actually love it if anyone thought that, but they probably don't. They probably think "look at that 20-something-year-old. Still shopping with her mom. Adorable" and I think the same. I think "I feel so child-like" when I try on clothes with mom in the family stall. She still doesn't quite understand my taste in fashion. But I understand mine a lot better. I think "I feel so humble" when my mom pulls out her coupons at the cash register. (I was not thinking that when I bought $100 pants at Aritzia the other day). I think "I feel so grateful" when she pays for my shoes. I think my mother's love language is Kohl's.

I'm 28 years old running errands at the mall. I stop to look in a store only a few minutes. I know I won't buy anything anyway, because I don't like to impulse shop in person anymore. I just shop online and return half of my items afterwards, the last part being precisely why I'm at the mall today. The lady behind the counter processes my returns, and I feel a little better about how irresponsible I've been with money lately when she hands me the receipt for the $24 soon to be returned to my card. It's not really about the money, to be honest, it's that I don't want to own as many unnecessary things anymore. It makes my apartment look cluttered, it makes moving a hassle. (Many would argue I still own many unnecessary things, but I think I'm getting better). I walk past a horde of teenagers coming out from the AMC. It's been a while since I've been on a movie date. I make a mental note of the movies I've been wanting to see, and to ask you to watch them with me the next time I see you. Movie dates are not so butterfly-inducing as before, but they're more fun now. I love it when you turn toward me after we've just watched a particularly shitty movie trailer and whisper "that looks so bad?". I love catching your eye laughing at the same jokes (it only makes them funnier), or gripping your hand during an emotional scene and we both know that the tears are streaming down my face. I don't hide my emotions with you.

I'm 28 years old eating jjajangmyeon and tangsuyuk with friends again. Over our barley tea, Dave and Kim recount their woes of wedding planning. I've been putting off our own wedding planning, and I don't quite have an answer when people ask why. "No rush," they say, and I feel rushed. I think I'm afraid to grow up. A blink of an eye ago, we were college seniors, fresh-faced interns, fueled by the potential of our futures. Now I've been working a job I only like sometimes for six years. We don't bother to catch up about work. We talk about our upcoming travel plans - now this is something I enjoy talking about. I love traveling, but I've been traveling a lot lately. Sometimes I like getting lost in the endless plans, but sometimes I forget who I am when the plans subside. I don't say this out loud. We trade recommendations for cafes in Seoul.

I'm 28 years old writing on tumblr again. I've been feeling lost again, but it's a different type from before. I'm doing really well at work, I'm engaged to the love of my life, I'm catching up with friends and jet-setting all across the world. It's the kind of lost you get when you're moving too fast through a crowd, you forget to slow down and notice the signs and sights before you. You forget to turn back and check on where you came from, who you've left behind. You forget to be playful again, to dream again, to giggle and tell secrets and experiment and be awkward. Coming home reminds me of her again - of the 14 year old, 16 year old, 18 year old, even the 20 year old who still laughs and dreams within me. Coming home reminds me to hold her close, but it also shows me how much I've changed. It reminds me to keep moving forward, for my 28 year old self. I feel like I'm older and should know the answers to everything. But I'm 28 and I'm young and dumb and a little silly for thinking that everyone's got it together. I'm 28 and young and brave and have so much to learn.

[litchizzle]

the shore

[litchizzle]

being an adult is just dragging urself kicking and screaming to things that you will enjoy and that will be good for you

[litchizzle]

girl help i can't stop seeing patterns in life and the interconnectedness of everything

[litchizzle]

12.29.22

HELLO I GOT A NEW MECHANICAL KEYBOARD

And I am typing on it bc it feels nice :) When I was trying to think of somewhere where I could type a lot of stream of conscious bullshit I thought of tumblr :) :)

I do sometimes wish I had kept up with posting on here more often so I could get a full account of my life up to now, but... there are too many places to do reflections these days and it takes a lot for me to keep up with them. Plus it’s not like my posts on tumblr ever were a good representation of my life - it was just a place to rant and word barf and write back in the day when writing perhaps meant more to me (and I was a dramatic little shit)

I did just read a post in my drafts from midway through 2021 and I seemed a little lost about what to do with my life/career and it scared me a little bc I resonated too much with that, and it’s been 1.5 years and like I haven’t figured my shit out????

But I KNOW I KNOW I have actually come a long way. This year I think I figured out a path career-wise and have started carving my way forward - slowly but surely. I also picked up some hobbies again since then. Crazy to think that it happened this year because now it feels like I (should) have always been doing this. But I started painting and making art again, and just doing more creative hobbies in general. I think I always scattered a few creative activities here and there (maybe more graphic design related things in 2020/2021 though), but I had neglected the more tactile drawing/painting that always brought me a lot of joy. So I’m glad I pushed myself to start taking art classes this year, which definitely helped me restart the hobby again.

I also rebooted a lot of health/mental health related habits again - exercising regularly, meditating, reading. I’m getting better at being disciplined at those things. It’s almost weird to think of times when these things weren’t built into my habits. So yay progress!

AND this year did start to feel like the pandemic was lifted off our shoulders a bit more for me. I went out a lot more (especially in the summer) - met new people, tried to looked for new activities to do and ways to explore the city. I have lived in Boston for two years now and this year I really felt like I was getting to know it better finally - which felt really really nice !!! And it feels a lot more like home. We also moved to a new apartment. It feels a lot homier and happier than our old place. Perhaps I was starting to feel a little stale being in that old apartment all the time though, considering that was like my “pandemic apartment” and I was there literally all the time...

I did not intend for this post to turn into a yearly reflection thing, but TIS that season after all. 2022 started out pretty rough (it was a bad winter) but I think I grew a lot from that dark time LOL. There were a lot of negative thoughts that pushed me forward to do more things and try more things. I would say that I tried to embody “growth” as much as I could this year - with baby steps because you have to start somewhere. And a baby step is better than no step. 

I am looking forward to 2023, not just because 23 is a special number to me (lmao) but also that I feel surprisingly in a good place right now and ready to take a bigger step. And I trust that I have the tools and the strength to go forward!!! I think this past year (or even two) has been a lot about resetting and gaining those tools again, after a weirdly destructive 2020. (Well I don’t think 2020 destroyed me that much but it put me in a weird place in terms of life and goals) (I felt really lost about my focus and values, in a way where I wasn’t really thinking about those things - I was more carefree perhaps) But I somehow feel more confident now about where I am and where I want to go - even if it’s not super clear, I know what I want to TRY at least. I know I want to keep doing things that make me happy and pushing myself to grow.

I will detail more specific goals later of course, but a general theme I have been thinking about is “intentionality”. I often feel like I am water, I go with the flow more than I should. This used to be a personality trait I held proudly, but I know now that it’s not always a good thing. If you flow too swiftly sometimes things pass you by. And sometimes you get no shit done LOL. I feel like I often go with the flow so often that when I think about where I am in life, I wonder how much of it was because of my own doing. It’s that whole “do I have free will” debate, but amplified in my brain because I’m SUCH a passive person. So much of my life has just been saying “yes” to the right thing at the right time - which I don’t discount, I think it’s great where it’s taken me - but it makes me feel..... like I don’t have control and take charge enough. Even for small things. 

Which is not even true, bc I do take charge of small things ok - I wouldn’t be surviving here if I didn’t. But I’m just a VERY externally motivated person, a lot of my decisions are influenced by others (or done for others) OR my actions are triggered because of something someone else did. Which is fine, individuality is a myth and we’re just combinations of the people and things around us BUT

I want to at least be more conscious about the above, and how they relate to my decisions and actions. I want to actually act on the ideas I have of “oh I would like to do this” instead of waiting to see what other people want to do. AND I want to be intentional about the things I do, truly think about whether I want to do something or if I’m just “going with the flow”. I want to be more proactive, less reactive. I want to initiate plans more (I think I’ve been getting better at doing this) When I make plans for myself, I want to be more willing to follow through with them. 

That is the gist of it. I think it correlates to just being more aware of your own actions and surroundings. (Which is something meditation taught me!) I don’t want to be living in a vacuum/matrix/haze or whatever you call it. In general I have been moving away from this but next year I want to put more effort into this mindset. Bias for action as they call it :^)

Anyways this has been a lot. Happy Holidays

[litchizzle]

barilova__tatyana

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hannaschonberg

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[litchizzle]

being an adult is just dragging urself kicking and screaming to things that you will enjoy and that will be good for you

[litchizzle]

Note to self

Stop thinking: “I’m not talented enough to execute this concept.” Start thinking: “I’m going to be a stronger artist when I’ve finished this piece.”

[litchizzle]

““I started to read all the books I wished I’d had time to read.””

— (via naturaekos)

[litchizzle]

List (Hong Sang-soo, 2011)

[litchizzle]

how it feels to dream of you pt. 3

12.13.20

i am surrounded by my friends. we are hanging out together, experiencing new things, laughing. we take photos to remember these moments. we share them with each other.

i learn to appreciate the people around me, and to not care what others think anymore. i learn that being a good person comes first.

i see you walking ahead of me, i can only see your back. when your brother catches up to you, you greet each other happily. family, laughing. you don’t know i am there and i stay invisible. i want to cherish this moment.

i get home, am alone again in my our room. and then you come back and you see me.

i wake up feeling happy and whole.

[litchizzle]

08 November 2020

WOW 

so like i didn’t think i would be back on tumblr anytime in ever, but i came here bc i was feeling reflective (about art in particular), and didn’t know where else to go. and after looking through some of my old posts and drafts, i realized that like..... tumblr served a purpose to me that nothing else really did. it was somewhere for me to write ... shit .. but it’s different than what i wrote/write in my journals. in my journals i’m so obsessive over going through events, things i did, like record-keeping my life (i’m trying to fix this by writing about how things made me FEEL more than just what happened. but it’s hard)

my writing on tumblr feels a little different. and maybe typing my thoughts vs hand-writing them down makes a difference to what comes out. i mean, definitely 

anyways, reading some of my old stuff makes me feel a little sad. like, i’ve pretty much forgotten about these things, and here is a record of so many moments in the past where i felt so much... sadness. i guess tumblr was my sadboi outlet lmfao. gross. anyway 

(wow look at me detaching myself from my emotions) 

i could also tell i was such a dreamer back in the day. my infp ass. i was so dreamy and hopeful and every little thing that happened had some fairy tale meaning. am i still like that? probablylol

i was also so reflective. reading those old posts made me realize how much more in touch with my emotions i was back then, especially compared to recently. like... i still try to journal (sometimes i fall in and out of the habit), i reflect a lot when i’m in the shower (lol), but i don’t think i’ve been as honest to myself (? not sure if right way to put it) as i was in the past. or like, as raw in my reflections? maybe on tumblr i was always prone to write about sad stuff, and i don’t always approach sadness that way anymore. and i miss it, kinda. i think i need to do a lot of self-reflection in general. maybe this is a good place to start again (plus like who even is going to see this anymore lol)

plus, i kind of miss writing. i think growing up is just a series of disconnection and reconnection to things that were important in your childhood. writing is one of those things for me. my relationship with it evolved a lot growing up - i loved storytelling and such, then i got really into self-reflection type shite, had a poetry phase. then... i just disconnected, it seems. so much for all those grade-school teachers who expected me to become a writer when i grew up (laughing emoji)

i guess now it is a good time to get back into it

[litchizzle]

goodbye yoon se ri and ri jeong hyeok

[litchizzle]

You need people in your life that are further along than you, people that are more experienced, people that are out of your league. You need to be exposed to new levels so that you can go to new levels.

Joel Osteen (via amargedom)