llamatrin

[llamatrin]

I will never want to skip intros netflix. Stap...#netflix #shera #actuallyautistic #bingewatching #cantstopwontstop https://www.instagram.com/p/B7uBJbsFrsI/?igshid=bdc7yife2qla

[llamatrin]

Anime I've watched this year. Some I finished all episodes; some I watched enough to get a feel for it. Will keep updating as I go on! Suggest anime that is like them below!

Lucky star. Love and lies. My little monster. Food wars. Fairy tail. Fire force. Didn't I say to make my abilities average in the next life. Are you lost. Cautious hero: the hero us overpowered but overly cautious. The future diary. When they cry. The familiar of zero. The irregular at magic high school. Kipo and the age of wonderbeasts. R.W.B.Y. (I add these last two as anime cause I can, so there.)

The only one I seemed get lost with so far was When they cry. I finished/caught up with all the rest aside from fairy tail cause I don't want it to end 😭 annnd familiar of zero has a lot of seasons... I was not expecting this... totally unprepared D:

[llamatrin]

When I lost you, a part of me broke

I lost my cat back in September. September 23rd. I have a memory disorder and things usually blur for me but I remember the panic and pain I felt knowing I might not be able to help him. The horrible guilt when I panicked at calling his vet and anxiety when I had no idea what I was doing. I felt so alone and my comfort buddy was sick needing me. Full disclosure; I'm Autistic and my brain works different than most of you. I have full blown panic attacks and meltdowns when things are scary and I don't understand them. My brain does not work during these so the thinking cap pops off and good ol lizard brain is there reacting.

I am on disability because not many good places want to hire people like me. (Among other reasons) Sure some companies like to play the part and pretend but that's a story for another time. My cat was super sick; bloody vomit sick and here I am panicking trying to understand the vet and they said they have no openings. Panic attack. They will call me asap when there is one. Still panicking but I thanked them and cried as I hung up. My phone rang and I almost dropped my phone as I ninja flung it across the room and barely caught it. They can take him in and check him out between visits. Oh thank the Gods! Poor guy was so sick he did not even cry being in the crate. My anxiety keeps going up because he never not cries. I am a mess as my staff drives me to the vet; I'm texting roommates. And I'm crying my eyes out. I hoped it was just his Megacolon acting up and he needed fluids and an enema. 2 hellish hours later I was not able to focus on anything. The vet called me and said words I never wanted to hear. They stopped diagnostics. He had too much wrong with him and he had a mass and fluid and all these problems... would I consider euthanasia. I sobbed. Admitted I did if it was the only choice and the vet told me it was. I was in tears as I agreed. Calling my mom i was at a loss. My child was going somewhere I could not go and I would never see him again. I wanted it to not be true and wanted it to be fixable but my logical brain told me this was real. I can't wish things away. I'm confused and crying not understanding why I can't accept this is happening when in my heart I know why. Those stupid emotions hurting every part of my soul. I talked to my online sister. Talked to some friends and went facebook dark as I spent the last moments I could with my baby boy. I was a mess and I want to express how confusing it is for an Autistic to deal with complex emotions when my brain is programmed for me to deal with less headachey causing feelings. Having to remind myself daily it is ok to be mad that he is gone. Or that of course I'm sad still. To be honest? I still have moments of blubbering tears; like when I typed this all up. My Autistic brain is staring at the emotions like some foreign entity it has to attack. And my Anxiety becomes a whole lot of fun. Anyway. When Azrael passed away, a piece of me went with him and I broke apart. Now while putting together parts of the puzzle again; it seems to be creating a completely different picture than before. Hoping it is a good one and it can survive another jumble.

You're not alone. Pain sucks; but it gets better with each step forward. Trick is to keep walking.

[llamatrin]

You know what...?

I'm going to just say something really quick. And I'll try to be tactful.

Guns are not more important than human life. If you really want to have a shit ton of guns then there should be training for every owner and mental health background checks. Bottom line.

Now, I can't quite understand why anyone would need more than one gun, because a gun does its job. It kills. But that's neither here nor there. The second amendment was written in a time when we had guns that shot musket rounds. Now we have guns that can kill almost 60 people and injured over 500. So Second Amendment arguments are completely invalid.

If a person can't understand why a mental health check is so important for gun safety, do you really trust someone mentally unstable to own a gun? It has nothing to do with you owning a gun. It has to do with some complete stranger you do not know, owning a gun with undiagnosed mental problems.

If you can't understand background checks at all, picture your neighbor actually someone who abused their last partner. Or maybe a pedophile. Wouldn't you want to know? In a better world they sure as hell won't get a gun. Yet we've accepted horrible, horrible excuses as to why it's okay for all people to own weapons.

And to all of you who are saying that people are trying to take your guns? You've got a fucking mental problem right now. You're more concerned about your guns than the lives that were lost because of an NRA controled government were in right now...

Don't even get me started on the idiots who think that the concert goers should have carried weapons themselves... Sure add more chaos, and more deaths. That's super smart. / sarcasm

I am disgusted by the country I live in. Not only am I surrounded by racists who don't give a fuck that people are dying by the hands of police; because let's face it they are not doing their job. Which is to Serve and Protect EVERY American. They have the technology for non-lethal when stopping criminals. Even if they are racist assholes and they suspect something is going on, they should use the damn tasers, rubber bullets Etc. People are more concerned about the weapons they "rightfully own" then all of the mass shootings we have. Again non-lethal technology people, we have it. We also have religious ass wipes that are pretending to care about their neighbor and instead feed everybody hate. We have people more concerned about what's going on in another person's sex life, then rape, murder and terrorism. Because yes, hate crime is domestic terrorism. Like it or not. And the simple words acceptance and equality is somehow bad. How the fuck is being kind to everyone, and making sure everyone has a happy and successful life... Bad?

We are a country that has become a land of the oppressed if you're different at all.

I weep for the land that I once loved.

[llamatrin]

Random thought of the day

So I had a random realization this morning, and I wanted to share it with you all. I honestly think the disney movie Aladdin made a mistake in their dialogue. That one scene at the end of the movie where the Genie's asking Aladdin to ask for something ridiculous like the Nile? And Aladdin's response was, okay I ask for the Nile....

The genie totally should have said "Deniled!"

[llamatrin]

I actually recently learned this lesson, okay technically I'm still learning it. Before, I never would even consider learning this lesson because I literally would question every time someone was a friend or would consider themselves being a friend and they were nice to me. I didn't understand niceness except if there were family because you know family. I mean I still have panic attacks if a friend doesn't respond to me, I still freak out if I say something wrong. I still analyze every freaking thing I do. I still can't understand why people like me. But, When someone tells me they admire me or they like me I do not question that anymore. I'm finally learning this lesson.

the drawings on this one are really shit, but I’m tired and I have school… please be nice I’m super self conscious lmao

so uh yeah, another BPD/my feelings comic. ok to reblog for anyone, whether you can relate or just find it pretty.

[llamatrin]

Aspie life...

And I'm sure a lot of other introverts can easily understand me when I write this. I get home from a long day of shopping, thrilled that I got everything either on sale or worth getting full price. My social battery is so low however... the only person I can talk to right now, is the person who's dropping me off. I am greeted by my cat and I scooped him up for some cuddles. I try doing some of my online stuff, small stuff even tried loading up Netflix. 4 hours later I'm waking up from a nap I never intended to take. Oops. Guess my sleep schedule is gonna be messed up tonight! It's not just about being overstimulated, seeing all of the different ...well pretty much everything that could catch my attention. My ADD was acting up extreme because Ooo shiny... and Loud Noises, Bright Lights, smells, socialization, just everything is overwhelming when you go to places like the mall. But the stores in the sales are worth it sometimes and honestly I got my new dungeon master backpack for only $15 and it's got cute ponies all over it.

So suck it life, I succeeded today!

[llamatrin]

Regret

Never thought I would regret giving my ghostbusters build a bear, holtzmann, a sound chip

😶 woke up cause it sounded right in my ear. ... well. Awake. Time to write? 😂

[llamatrin]

Have you ever...

Lying at night, thinking about a story idea... but then you started to really freak yourself out. And now you got too scared to turn on the light across the room?

[llamatrin]

squeeeeeee

This was by my friend!! SHE DID SUCH A GOOOOD JOB OMGGGG

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