llanaswanderland-blog

[llanaswanderland-blog]

The letters

This may be the longest letter that I’ll be doing for you, @allthesmalltigs And I am not sure if you’ll be reading this; but just a disclaimer, these are the things I want to say to you (kindly see dates in parentheses for reference).

For now I can’t collate all the words I need to say to you (that’s why this will be uploaded in one big tumblr entry). Please bear with the continuous editing I’ll be doing for the next days…weeks…or months…until I pour out my feelings for you. You don’t need to do reply to this. I just need to vent my emotions since I don’t have Twitter anymore.

(04052017)

We had a good 11-month (and 2 weeks to be exact) run. I may not have accepted things right away but eventually I will. Hey you’re right. Knowing that you’ve deleted our photos on Instagram connotes that you want to cut / forget all memories of being together [I think and assume]. That part I understand. It just sucks on my side because I still have feelings for you. You are the person I miss talking to, but I need to accept the fact that we are not together anymore…and you need the tantamount space just to forget your feelings [or even memories] for me as well. I get that. You’re right with not talking to me is the biggest move you can do just to move on from the relationship we have. You’re right re what I am feeling right now. I know I am responsible with all the emotions I am experiencing right now, but you can’t blame me for choosing to love you at the start. I guess being friends would not be as soon as I was expecting. 

(04062017)

Hey, so I just got disturbed with your latest post on Facebook. To be honest, I check your profile from time to time to see if you have already replaced me. Why I got disturbed? Well, you don’t usually post on Facebook and tagging someone…only one and she’s a woman. So I assume that she’s your new? Even though another part of me is giving you the benefit of the doubt, I have a gut feeling you’re seeing someone already. Screw this process I’m experiencing. I chose to undergo this process again because it’s what I did before with Art. Fuck this feeling. It really sucks. I find it disappointing from time to time whenever I remember your reasons on why you broke with me. It stings you know that? I find myself angry whenever I remember you in every happy situation I am in. Istorbo ka. The part you left me hanging because of your reasoning is just ugh. I don’t know what word I can replace with ‘ugh’. The last texts you sent me left me hanging. You were angry at me because you thought I blocked you from Twitter. I unfollowed you at first but I eventually thought of deleting my account. And voila! I can’t retrieve my Twitter anymore because it was deleted permanently. I was irritated on how you reply to my tweets indirectly that’s why I unfollowed you at first.Then again, I thought of deactivating it because of the temptation to read your tweets. You made your account private and even changed the name of your account so there is no way I can read them. But I read your response to one of your crushes using Meryl’s twitter. You made it a joke that you need someone who will not leave you. Srsly? You were the one who left me. I bargained when you were breaking up because it can still be fixed. But you made your decision and I respect that. The last texts you sent, the deletion of our photos on your IG, and your indirect tweets did not by any chance showed any respect on my side. I had to blurt these all out. But I don’t have a chance to talk to you anymore because you choose not to. I hope that someday you may realize that all I need from you is a sincere apology of what you made me feel. (to be continued)

(04072017)

I sent you a message of Messenger this morning; and to my expectation, you didn’t reply. I had to send that message because that is what I am feeling until now. These past weeks it’s either I am angry at you or sad, and to some extent both. But this morning, all I was feeling was the love I have given to you for past year (including the courting months). Yes I still love you but I guess it wouldn’t be reciprocated like before. Again thank you for making me love you after what Art did to me. I didn’t know I was capable of loving again after what I’ve gone through. Now, I need to divert my thoughts from you and focus on loving myself more. I have a bucketful of love in me that’s why I made a decision last year February 13 to make you feel that love. It was a decision– a risk I was willing to take. I can say that I have shown you the selfless kind of love, but I’m not sure if that’s what you have perceived. No two loves will ever be the same. My love for you is different from my exes or from the people I love and have loved. Have you seen the post I shared on Facebook? I was indirectly talking to you, but I guess you just brushed it off because you chose not to care anymore. I understand that. I know you wanted to move on quickly (I suppose). But that’s you. On my part, I just want to undergo this whole process until I am healed by time and by Him. Can I tell you another thing? Kanina when I woke up, a tear dropped from my left eye because I remembered you. I was feeling the love I have for you and then I compose the message I sent you. I was not feeling any hatred nor sadness. I was only feeling the love I have for you. Can I still love you from afar? Just like what I did with my past relationships. Don’t worry I won’t be bugging you or anything. I will just keep the good memories we had. I won’t delete or photos together on Instagram because what we had was real. It wasn’t a kind of relationship I took for granted or disregarded. Nagkataon lang na you were the only one I have photos with that’s why you didn’t see any photos of me and my other exes on Instagram. Don’t worry, I won’t make my next relationship feel that he should jealous of you because of the photos. You know I didn’t make you feel jealous of my guy friends or the guys I have dated before, so I will be doing the same with the next. Just so you know, I am not seeing anyone lately. I have no intention of dating anyone soon or be in a romantic relationship with. I have decided to love myself more until I get better.–to enjoy what the Universe has to offer me, to experience all the love God has for me, and to be ready for the next guy I can share my life with again. Thank you dear. ‘Til we meet again. 

(04112017)

It’s my second day of fasting from my social media accounts today. I haven’t gone over your FB and Instagram profiles so I guess that a yey from my side. It’s hard. It’s also tempting to take a glimpse of what you’re thinking or doing lately. I still miss you but I am not sure if it’s you who I miss or the idea of you before we broke up. It’s crazy thinking what I really feel for you. Every time I think about the good memories we had, I always make a decision not to care for you anymore. I always make a decision that the memories we created will remain as memories to be kept in my treasure box. I cherish you my dear. I still do but you don’t want it anymore. You don’t want me to be part of your life anymore (I guess). I need to remove the care I have for you. I am loving you from afar. I can’t hate you because that’s not me. That’s not how I view people who left me. I cannot understand now the real reason behind this event, but in the long run God will reveal it to me. Maybe I can get hurt even more if I know the real reason now but it still stirs up my curiosity. Maybe you’re still in love with your best friend? I don’t know. I could never know. I’m jealous of her now because she gets to talk to you; while I am here being just a stranger to you after all the time we spent together and the stories we shared. It’s kind of unfair on my part because things go wrong every time I give a part of me to a person I love and then leaves me or sees me invisible or worst never existed. Recently I have been reading chapters in the Book of Proverbs. I have found out that wisdom needs understanding. I haven’t fully grasped and accepted the real reason why we are not together anymore, but please do know that I am doing my best not to care for you anymore…just like what doing right now. 

(04122017)

You’re online on Messenger, and I saw my last message to you. It still remained ‘seen’. I read it again. I got to have it to myself, I did compose it right…almost error-free. It only lacks the word ‘other’. I am curious do you still look at my profiles in Facebook or Instagram? I have a hunch that it’s a yes? It’s just an assumption and more likely you wouldn’t answer my question. You do not talk to me anymore. I just see you through your posts in which I need to stop. I unfollowed you on Facebook so that I don’t get to see you latest updates. Though I find myself funny doing that because I still go to your profile and see your posts. Have you seen your posts that I’ve liked? I would be positive that yes you see them. Just to clarify, I unfollowed you on Facebook but I am still your Facebook friend. Maybe that’s what we are now? Friends via Facebook, but in reality maybe just mere strangers. From lovers turned into strangers. I did not choose this. I still blame you for choosing this silent treatment we’re having. The constant brush-offs. But in one angle, you’re right. Giving me this space is making me see how small things make me happy long before God introduced you in my life. It gave me more time to find lasting happiness I need. I am still finding it though. I am making myself happy. Oh yeah, after we broke up I started reading books again…well encouraging ones. I recently finished a book by Regina Brett titled, “God Never Blinks”. It’s a good book. It made me feel and see God in many ways I never thought He would be in. If we become friends again, I can lend you the book and maybe you’ll see the goodness the universe can offer you. The book I mentioned was the last thing I read the night before the morning I sent you my thank you text. Every time I think about us, I always veer away from the feeling of loneliness or depression caused by abandonment. Yes I felt abandoned after you left me just like that…just like a book in the shelf waiting to be read. This may sound weird but thank you for continuing to make the decision to brush me off from your life or not to reply to my last message on Messenger. I am still in the midst of finding happiness for myself and make it stay in my life. Before you came in my life, I learned how to be happy with the small things in my life. When we broke up, hatred covered my heart but there were amazing events happening. Every time I am reminded of the pain of a disappointment and abandonment, small and happy circumstances keep on coming in my life (i.e. thank you messages from my managers and the consultants I provide admin support to, free food from my new friends in the EA team, or the last slot in the jeepney so I won’t be late). Galing ‘no? I just realized it as soon as my heart is transforming into a more durable and wiser one…as soon as love and hope are trying to cover it again. In time, peace will also join the two. I am still praying to God that in time I will have the heart to forgive you even though you are not asking me to. I still love you but I need to love myself more and seek God’s wisdom to every circumstance I encounter, encountering, and will encounter. I pray that you’ll get wisdom from God as well in whatever state you are in right now.

050317

I guess you have noticed that I have already unfriended you on Facebook. Don’t worry on Instagram I’ll be hibernating as soon as I finish my #100ThankU project. I saw your girl you know. Someone told me. I was hurt because you did lie to me. You didn’t tell me that you wanted to leave because I was not enough for you. I guess I would not be asking for your apology soon because you are too proud of yourself. Oh you boys. Sorry but you’re still not a man at this stage. Want to know the real reason behind unfriending you? You remind me that I am worthless. You didn’t see my potential. You only saw that I am weak. My dear you have unleashed the bitch part of me. You belittled me. You didn’t respect me as a woman for crying out loud. You disrespected me like how you disrespect your sister behind her back. I have loved you before, but it’s time to un-love you because you are pushing me away as if I never existed in your life. I am infuriated with the feelings I have for you. Ugh how stupid of me. But no worries, you’ve made me unleashed my potential to be more matured and also wiser. Thank you though for making me see the real you. The part of you that you told me before. I have accepted it before, but now I can’t because you chose to leave and forget all the memories we had…that includes me. So I guess this is goodbye. I wish you well. If we bumped into each other, I hope you’re already worthy of my attention. (to be continued if there is still something to continue)

[llanaswanderland-blog]

Love is a choice. Staying in love is a decision.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

You are a blessing

You are one of the biggest blessings in my life. You never fail to add so much happiness. You make me feel God’s love. No matter how many misunderstandings we will have, I will always be here for you. No matter how many ‘tampuhan’ days we will have, I will always love you... Because choosing you is one of the greatest decisions I’ve ever made. No regrets ;)

[llanaswanderland-blog]

You are special

Falling for you is one of the wonderful things I've experienced in my life. I never felt so sure…so secured of who I will be living with for the rest of my life. I cherish every moment I spend with you even though we have forever. I do not let a day pass without saying ‘I love you’. I do not let a day pass without praying for us. I do not let a day pass without smiling after reading your texts. I do not let a day pass without thanking God how grateful I am to have you in my life. I do not let a day pass without letting you know how much you mean to me. You are special. 

I love you. I really do.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

You are different. And I fell for you.

llanaswanderland

[llanaswanderland-blog]

Name day! Yeah it was my name day the other day. There is only one word that can describe what happened the other day...that word is "blessed." Yes I am so blessed with the life I have, especially with the people who surround my life. I am thankful for my family who never stops caring and loving me unconditionally; I am thankful for my friends who are thoughtful enough to remember my birthday; I am thankful for my boyfriend/fiance/future husband because he never fails to make me feel special everyday. The other day was a name day full of firsts. It was my first time to file a one-day leave at the office. It was my first time to receive a cake and a gift from my future husband. It was my first time to cry after reading a message written for me. It was my first time to celebrate my birthday with my family and future husband. I am very thankful to God for giving me another year to live and spread His love. I am very thankful to Him because of the things I am receiving and will be receiving. I am very thankful to Him because of the people beside me.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

Name day. God has given me a great family, loyal friends, and a lovable boyfriend. He has blessed me another year to spread His message of love. Thank you for all the greetings, gifts, and the thoughtfulness ❤️ (at IHOP)

[llanaswanderland-blog]

And I received a reply on my name day ❤️

The day the love of my life was born

*I know you’re a bit surprised that I decided to create my own Tumblr account *

*This is my first time writing a blog or tumblr post.. So bear with me because I’m writing about you and how you mean to me.. HAHA! *

My dear ACMP,

It’s your birthday and this day is so special for me because this is the day my future wife was born. 

…..I just want you to know that I love you so much… and I’m not just saying that. I love you in way that I want to prove it to you, how much you’re special to me.. how much you mean to me.. and how serious I am every time those three words come out. 

We may have arguments or disagreements at times and you’re right.. those are opportunities for us to grow as a couple. I just want you to understand that every time this happens.. Leaving you or breaking-up with you will never become an option for me. You complete me in so many ways and I can’t imagine a world without you.

I’m so excited for what God has planned for us and I’m excited for the unending journey to our forever. 

HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY Allanah Cris Monsalud Paragas! <3 

always and forever…

Love,

MLST

[llanaswanderland-blog]

Two months and a lifetime to go

My dear MLST,

Yes we’re on our second month to forever (hooray to us!) and I still say yes to our promise.

I have never been this more excited and happy with our future. Sometimes, I think about what our future will be. Whenever I think about it, I tend to be afraid and anxious at first. Then I become excited because you don’t fail to remind me how sure you are about us…about me being your wife in God’s time.

I want you to understand how much I love you. I appreciate all the things you are doing for me…for our relationship. Everything that you do for me (even the small things) I remember all of them. I am really thankful to God for your existence in this world, and presence in my life.

You are my Mr. Right…and I want to do right things for us. We sometimes have misunderstandings but I see those things as our chances to know each other better. These things will make our relationship stronger and long-lasting.

I want you to know that you are the man I want to spend my lifetime and build a family with. We talk about our future already. Our dreams, our goals, our vacations, our wedding, our house, our dogs, and our family. We also talk about our faith and that’s a great and wonderful thing for me because I am with the man I can share my faith with…the man I can share things about God.

I am already sure and positive that it’s you. I sometimes overthink too much and sorry about that.

God promises a great future for us. I am already waiting for the time when both of us will be ready to be husband and wife. I am waiting for the time we’ll be living in the same house together. I am waiting for the time we’ll build our family together. I believe that God is the One guiding our relationship. He is the One guiding both of us. He is the One preparing us for our future together.

I will always be here for you now and forever. I want you to understand that it takes time for our families to accept our relationship. And I want the both of us to start being part of each other’s families because they are the ones we need on our wedding day and on the birthdays of our future kids. We will have our time together, don’t worry. We just need to court our parents and families to assure them that both of us are in good hands.

I love you, always and forever.

Sincerely loving you, ACMP

[llanaswanderland-blog]

All to ourselves. It's been more than two months since I said yes to you...and I still say yes to our forever 😌 (at Cav Wine Shop Café)

[llanaswanderland-blog]

One of my favorite people in the world gave me my favorite flower. And he didn't know about it until he gave these to me. #throwback #carnation

[llanaswanderland-blog]

“Llana”

My friend once told me that your name is your destiny...and it makes sense.

During one of the CG sessions, my friend told the group that every name in this world has a meaning. Every name has a Hebrew equivalent. Every name has a purpose. According to her, “your name is your destiny”. Being said, my curiosity woke up. I was curious what my Hebrew name is and what it meant.  I got my Hebrew name weeks after that session. My Hebrew name is “Llana”, meaning “tree”. I searched for the word “tree” in the Bible and found few verses. Three of which caught my attention so I had to take a screenshot for each verse. From the three, I chose “Proverbs 3:18″ as my life verse (aside from Proverbs 31).  As stated in Proverbs 3:18, I want to be that kind of tree...a tree wherein people can be blessed. I want to be a blessing to every person I encounter. I want to share the blessings I receive from the Heavenly Father, and spread His message of love.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

What I see...

Every time we gaze into each other’s eyes, I see sparkles, and also...

I see love. I see us. I see our food trips. I see our late night conversations. I see us talking about God. I see us doing our bucket lists. I see us being better for each other... ...being there for each other. ...supporting each other. I see our future. I see our vacation trips. I see our wedding. I see you lying in bed next to me. I see our children. I see us building our family together. I see us growing old. I see us until our last breaths.

I love you.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

"Almost-a-week vacation" It has been almost a week of blessings, surprises and miracles. My vacation with my family was truly a blessing. It is the a Holy Week that I will remember and cherish. The past week will be one of the stories I will share to people, and to my future family. A week before the Holy Week of 2016, I bought the book, "God's Not Dead". Apart from watching the movie version, I was really curious what's inside of it...the details, the arguments raised by theists, agnostics, and atheists regarding the existence of the most Intelligent Being...the existence of God. Upon purchase, I said to myself that I will devote my time reading the book during my vacation in my province, Pangasinan. Well I had the time to read the first 80+ pages out of 200+ pages. I needed to concentrate on the arguments so that I can understand the points written by different scholars. Yeah I'm having a challenging time to read the book. I need to isolate myself from possible distractions before reading a sentence or an arguments. There are certain points in the book that made me realize the things I am doing in my life. I am going to enumerate two these points non-verbatim, and at the same time tell about things that I have experienced recently: 1. Thank God for all the things happening in your life right now. Situation 1: Since my school term/sem started this year, I became more tiresome and anxious because of all the school requirements my groupmates and I need to finish. Knowing that I have a not-so-good groupmates in one of my classes, I became hot-tempered whenever I see them post things on Facebook while I was doing the hard work (art direction of our ad campaign). It was infuriating. My sister and I would sleep late on a Wednesday evening just to finish the campaign. Why I need to be thankful? It's because I learned things from art direction. Whenever the professor praises an ad, I have this great feeling of accomplishment. I also had the time to ask my officemates regarding their creative ideas or insights on a certain product. My boyfriend also helped me get through every campaign. He helped my by also giving his ideas and insights. He also reminded me to calm down whenever I became hot-tempered. Situation 2: I read a status update from Joel Osteen's Facebook page about praying boldly to God. For the past weeks, I have been asking myself I was praying enough to God...if I was even praying right to Him. Why I need to be thankful? It's because God made Joel Osteen post that status to remind me that I can ask anything from God...that I can pray boldly to Him. As His daughter, He wouldn't grant things that I do not deserve or I do not need yet. Praying allows me to have a conversation with my Father. It allows my Spirit to talk to Him. It nourishes my soul. It also reminds me of the Gosple and His promise to mankind. The things happening to us right now, may it be good or bad, can lead us to God's blessings. Everyday is a miracle. 2. It's not about the religion; it's about having a relationship with Him. In John 3:16, God gave His only Son to us. God's message was delivered to us through Jesus Christ. He delivered His message of love through the Gospel. Some of us are going through tough times, while some of us are at the top of their lives. Remember that we are not alone. You are not alone. We have a God who is all-knowing and all-powerful. He never sleeps, and never stops to ensure us His promise. The Sheperd does not stop looking and finding His lost sheep. He never stops loving us. Situation 1: I had a hard time figuring out if I was going to be Born Again Christian and a Roman Catholic. There some teachings in the Catholic Church which I find hard to accept or understand; same goes to Born Again Christian teachings. What I've learned? See God in every situation. Yes it was hard at first, but when you get used to it you will not have a hard time understanding both churches and the people who belong to them. I also found out that both churches teach and spread God's words. It is only a matter of understanding and respecting people's beliefs. One thing is for sure in both churches and that is, God is love. I am actually having fun reading the book. I really look forward to finish it before the month or my school's term/sem ends. I know that God has a reason why I am this excited to finish the book.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

Love is not only a word, but also a feeling. Love is not only said; it is also acted out. Love is not an idea. It exists. It is part of you.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

Waiting for the bus

You invited me for a breakfast at iHop in MOA, I was delighted with it. Yey for our first breakfast together. You saw the hungry for food side of me. Now you know, how cranky I can get. We ordered food good for 4 people, But we managed to eat them all. (Well, except for the egg-wrapped something). You waited for me to get a ride home. We had a long conversation while waiting. We talked about us. Our family, friends... Our schools... Our past... Our thoughts on the 2nd presidential debate... Also, The fact we're still together, and going strong... Our decision about us being there for each other...forever and always Your fourth proposal... Your plans for our future family... Me being thankful to have you as my boyfriend, best friend, fiancé, and husband. Time flies fast, love. And I can't wait for our future together.

[llanaswanderland-blog]

"You found me at my darkest hour You gave me hope and gave me life You gave your love that's greater You lead me out of darkness and into your light."