lokkelannii

[lokkelannii]

Day 4ish

So, today is one of those positive days! I’m super excited because I made it through the day without feeling like I’m going through an absolute mental breakdown! No tears were shed today, which for me is a huge success (it’s the little things), I left the house in the first thing I put on, I posted a picture on social media with no hesitation! WOW! I feel like a whole new woman, crazy how 1 good day can conquer all, it’s an amazing feeling! I’m blabbering but these days to me are so exciting! I wanted my post today to fill in on what the heck my mindset is! 2017-2019 were some of the roughest years I’ve endured yet, a lot of drama, heart ache, confusion, losing myself in a pit of depression. I’ve been a little lost puppy dog for a few years now, at the end of last year I hit the lowest I’ve ever been. I felt as if I had nothing, I was nothing, I was going no where and there was really no point to anything I was trying. I was in a terrible mindset and kind of just skating by life. I was terrified of absolutely everything, too scared of the world to pursue anything I’m passionate about, too terrified of people to build on my group of 3 friends I surround myself with. I was realizing what a toxic person I had become, to my friends, my family, myself especially. I was so draining, so negative. I put on a smiling face, but my mind was sucking energy from anything it could because I had none to feed it. A week into 2020, I decided I didn’t want to be that person anymore, I didn’t want to be afraid, I didn’t want to be nothing, I didn’t want to be draining! I took the fact that I had hit rock bottom, feeling like nothing, to completely redefine myself. Some times its hard to get out of the mind set of negativity, okay, not sometimes, ALL THE TIME. Negativity is such an overwhelming thing, it takes all the energy from you except the energy to feed into the negativity. It’s taken soo much to understand myself, my mind and this energy, so don’t think this is all just happening. This year I finally decided to just stop caring! I’m focusing on the mindset that nothing lasts forever, including me. If I try and I fail how many of my failures will be remembered in 100 years. Sure, I feel embarrassed, terrified and anxious 98% of the time but I have been feeling soo fulfilled! Yes, I’m still terrified of everything I’m facing but I’m walking with the mindset of at least I’m finally just conquering it! It’s so easy for us to hide away in a shell, to never face anything that scares us, to never try new because were so used to the old we figure it’ll be pointless. But lets be honest its never too late to start trying something new. You’re never too old to continue and finish you’re education, you’re not too old to pursue a dream you’ve wanted for so long, it’s never to late to restart your life! It’s so easy to get caught up in a timeline mentality, counting out the years it’ll take you to complete something and telling yourself you’ll finish too late, its pointless to start now. I’m here to reassure you it’s not! I’m only 22 years old, I find myself doing that exact thing! I’m not in a relationship, I kept telling myself it’s getting too late to get married, most of my friends are in relationships or getting engaged by now. I’ve only had ONE serious boyfriend.... A lot of my friends are having babies, at 22 I kept telling myself, it’s getting too late, I wanted my first baby at 25 and now I don’t have a man I have no chance of that happening. I’m 22 and don’t have a degree, I kept telling myself it’s getting too late to finish a 4 year degree, I’m even more screwed if I wanted to go on and do graduate school of any sort, I won’t finish school till I’m over 30! I realized I was holding myself to impossible standards that fit MY life. I was comparing my timeline to those on my actual Facebook timeline. I wanted there lives and that’s what I was trying to live by! That’s a culture that is way too easy to get sucked into! Going through this journey has made me so aware of what I want, what I’m doing and where I wanted to go. I post on my social media but I realized I needed to stop scrolling, I needed to stop reading, I needed to separate myself from that world. I needed to discover myself, I wasn’t doing that by constantly judging or wanting other peoples lives! Things I’m conquering this year are figuring out my journey, living my life the exact way I want too, living without stopping myself and being the best version of me. Taking all of that with an understanding of I’m going to fail, I’m going to have backtracking days, I’m going to have lazy days, but overcoming that with pushing forward and continuing to grow and learn! I hope you can take my journey with an understanding of failing, feeling self conscious and being scared is fine, but pushing through, enjoying life, trying new journeys and overcoming is the best part about it all! I hope you can find your strength and your fearlessness to begin the journey you want! 

List of things I’ve wanted to do for years, haven’t but will try to accomplish this year (I’m sure this list will grow); 

- Blogging my life openly *

-Modeling professionally

- Starting a degree in a field I’m passionate about

- Going on more adventures alone

- Going to new places and more adventures without cancelling 

[lokkelannii]

Monsters..

The last few days have been soo busy, which made me realize that posting daily just isn’t going to happen. Which may or may not be for the best! But I want to continue sharing and posting, I also want to be clear that I’m not doing this to become a professional blogger or anything, I’m very much an amateur “writer” I’m not sure if I’d even call myself a writer. I’ve just really been struggling in life, causing messes every where I go, getting lost in my thoughts, dealing with emotions and really just trying to figure things out. Blogging about it has really been helping me put things into perspective and it’s just a journey I decided I wanted to share with anyone who was interested in reading or anyone who could feel like they could relate to things I’m going through. I hope who ever does read gains something, whether its a new perspective, reassurance that they’re fine or just reassurance that you’re really not alone in what ever you’re struggling with! Unfortunately a lot of things I’m dealing with are more negative, but I hope I’m not always posting about problems! But for now can we talk about what a monster depression is. This is about the fourth time I’m typing this out, every time I try I feel like I can’t find the words, my thoughts get all scrambled, seems like such a terrible subject to talk about, but because I’m having so much negative feelings about posting on the topic is just making me believe I really just need to post about it. I call depression a monster because to me that’s exactly what it feels like, I’m not sure what other people feel but mine is a monster. I’ve never been medically diagnosed with depression, frankly I don’t want to be considering after that they’ll constantly be trying to shove medication down my throat and I’m not a medication person. My depression constantly feels like a monster that sits on my chest, my shoulder, holding my legs down, taking my energy, controlling my emotions. In spiritual terms we call this a “demon” which honestly just fits. A lot of mornings I wake up and not even want to get out of bed, no motivation, no energy, a constant reminder that even if I did get up it would be pointless. I get a constant reminder from the monster sitting on my shoulder while I’m getting dressed for the day that it’s pointless, to just get back in bed, that I’m not going to look good when I’m done. Some days I just get so tired by the end of getting dressed I don’t even want to deal with my mess of hair sooo i just wrap it up in a bun and call it good, not even brushing it because that takes too much energy to do. I have the little monster sit on my shoulder while I’m out with friends reminding me I’m not wanted, that I’m the weird friend that they’d have a better time without, that I’m not half as pretty as they are and I shouldn’t even be around them. A constant reminder that I’m worthless, not wanted, boring, sad. I could go on and on about all the negativity this monster brings to my life, but I’m sure you get the point. I think depression is a scary topic because we’ve always learned that the sad, negative people don’t deserve a place in our life and we get sick of talking to the friends who are just sad all the time, none of us want to be “that” friend. None of us want to be the burden, the friend always complaining, always crying, always needing reassurance that were wanted. But look where we’re all at now, were that friend with a cover of happiness. I know I do it. I do it a lot, I’m constantly putting on a pretty smiley face, pushing my hardest and just doing things my brain is telling me I’m not worthy of. But that in itself is also soo tiring. I’m not saying all depression is the same and I’m certain everyone deals with their own struggles of it, this is just the things I deal with. On top of all the emotions that comes with depression, my mind gets angry that I’m exhausted and sad, which causes frustration and anger. So now I’m just a walking time bomb of anger, sadness, laziness etc... Just moping around, snapping on everybody that comes within a 1 foot radius of my presence, ask my mom shes a pro of knowing what comes from this product. It’s something I’m working my best on and I can say over the years I’ve gotten soo much better! But I get so angry with myself because I have no reason to be so sad. I have amazing friends, amazing family, an amazing support group that I could lean on at any given moment. I have what I need in life but I’m still feeling this way. I feel like I have no right to the emotions I feel, I always hear the phrase “someone always has it worse.” As right as that is, I’m so tired of feelings being dismissed because of that. It’s okay to feel what you’re feelins, its OK to feel overwhelmed with your situations, it’s OK to cry, be sad and deal with things the way you do. Another phrase I constantly hear is “just get over it”, well..... I’m sorry to tell you, it’s not nearly that easy. I wish I could just get up and say I’m over it lets move on. But this monster gets to decide when it comes and when it leaves. I’m working on controlling it, suppressing it, reading my bible and putting God in control of it, living the life the way I can live. Do what feels right to you, things that work for other people may not be your solution. Include yourself, appreciate yourself, don’t let sadness control every part of your life. The more we hide it, act like nothings wrong, never talk about it, the more it controls us. Once we accept that we live with the little monster, the more we can do to understand it, to tame it and to keep moving forward. Lets stop putting such a negative title on sadness and learn to help each other, press through together! I hope that if you read this and feel this way at all that you feel comfortable enough to reach out, don’t allow your mind to convince you that I wouldn’t care what you have to say. I really do! Keep re-reading that until you understand and gain the confidence to reach out. Also a reminder to keep in your mind that youre okay, this will pass, it will get easier you’re not alone, YOU MATTER. YOU’RE LOVED. YOU’RE WANTED. Lets go through this battle together!

[lokkelannii]

WELP...

Again I wish I had more interesting title names, I’m sure I’ll get there, but for now I work with what I got. Day 2 of blogging isn’t any easier than the first, I’m just as anxious, just as afraid of rejection and I’ve put it off until 9 p.m. to finally write it! But hey, I’m overcoming and here I am, writing day 2 blog! Do you ever just have a really good, energetic, self discovering day. Then out of no where, all of your energy gets zapped, self awareness starts to kick in, all of a sudden your outfit doesn't fit right, your baby hairs are flying every which direction, but throwing on a hat makes your face look fat. Overthinking then kicks in, taking all the energy and motivation you had about 15 minutes earlier, now you’re standing in your bedroom doing that thing where you stare in the mirror, counting every pore on your face, sitting in a crouch position counting every roll, counting every dimple from the cellulite on your legs, crying those always mentioned tears. Yup, that was me at about 6 p.m. Right before I left the house to come to Starbucks to procrastinate sharing my discoveries. Standing in my mirror, looking at the outfit i had on, I couldn’t wear the sweatshirt I was in because it was too short and showed my tummy pouch, I also couldn't wear it with leggings because my butt isnt big enough to show out in public, changing into a 3x’s too big sweatshirt because that covered my belly, my butt, my arms. I wish this wasn’t a thing, but it is so I’m sharing, because that’s what this blog is all about. My biggest fear is people discovering that I’m fat. When we say the word fat all of us gasp, directly think of my 1000lb life, people comment and say “No you’re not!”, honey.... yes I am. But I’m fine with it myself, I’m healthy says my doctor, everyone here can disagree with me and yes my weight is something I’m working on, which will be a different post a different time. But my biggest concern in this world is making sure I conceal myself, making sure people see me in the light I want to be seen in, make sure no one realizes I’m actually a fat girl. But dang that’s ALOT of work. Let me paint a picture here to help you understand just how terrified of this I am. I’d be completely fine going to rob a bank, my main concern would be how does my makeup look, will they notice that my tummy makes a pouchy, can you see that my thighs jiggle, what about the ugly dimples on my arms. Not saying I’m any where motivated to go rob a bank, if only I wasn’t raised with good morals! I just wanted to share how dramatic I actually am with this. I’m not just sharing this for my body positive, thick is beautiful people. I’m sharing this for my I’m not thick enough, my tummy pokes out bigger than my boobs, my thighs jiggle too much, I don’t look like the models I’m basing my outfit choices on, I look too skinny people. We all want to be perceived the way we see ourselves, because that’s what were comfortable with and having someone perceive us in their own light, making their own thoughts and opinions on us is just as terrifying as being vulnerable with strangers. I have no idea why, I wish I did, but peoples opinions on us are terrifying. But someone will always have something to say, we see models on instagram with “perfect” curves, if you’ve ever gone to the comments all people have to say is “ew”,”Fake”, “Full of plastic”. You scroll to the next post of a beautiful curvy woman showing off her new outfit, scroll to the comments and all you’ll read is; “She’s so fat”, “Stop spreading this, she’s not beautiful”, “this isn’t healthy”. Scroll to the next post a super beautiful, thin woman expressing herself, scroll to the comments all you’ll read is; “ Shes too skinny”, “Where’s her butt”, “She’s ugly”. I just want you to understand there is no such thing as the “Perfect” body image. Its all a ploy, for us to buy certain clothing, for us to buy certain products, for us to feel so insecure in ourselves were going to buy what ever they sell because we need some way to reassure ourselves were at least trying to accomplish perfect. I know this is a hard to understand and its of course not going to be something you’re going to understand over night. But I hope that when ever you’re scrolling through social media looking at other “perfect” woman, you keep reminding yourself that you’re just as beautiful, just as special. If you’re having negative thoughts I hope you feel the comfort to reach out and converse with me! I will send you daily reminders on just how beautiful your soul is, your have a purpose and you’re something special. I have a morning routine, I do (Mostly) daily, I only share because sometimes we feel too awkward or weird to do these types of things, but I will sit in my mirror and point out everything I love about myself that day. “Wow, my eye makeup is on POINT today”, “My butt looks great in these jeans”, “My outfit makes me feel powerful”, “These heels make me look tall and tall = powerful”. Find your comfort, find your routine, find what makes you feel comfortable but out of all of that STICK WITH IT! Were all here with a purpose, if we all looked the same, thought the same, did the same things, the world would be way more boring than it is now. Understand and begin to appreciate your uniqueness. Take your time, appreciate your journey, cry in the mirror a few times, but come out the other side with your hair done, outfit making you feel hot, strutting out the bedroom door ready to roll. I know alot of what I say you have heard before, just understand you’re not alone, you’re feelings aren’t going unnoticed and you are LOVED. 

[lokkelannii]

Just me

I wish I had more interesting things to share, cuter blogger names, more interesting title names to draw people in. Unfortunately I don’t and if I keep wasting the time overthinking the little things I’ll never just get down to business. I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks retyping this for at least the 8th time, leg shaking, biting on my drink straw, feeling anxious about writing about my life/emotions and sharing them publicly with strangers or friends. Blogging about my life has been something I have been thinking about for years, the fear of rejection, not being accepted and people not being interested in what i have to say just seemed like too much to handle. So instead of facing my fears, I decided to just not start at all. But this year I swore to myself I am facing everything that terrifies me no matter how much I tell myself I cant face it. So here I am, typing a bunch of non sense! Bear with me, this whole sharing my life thing and writing about it is very new to me, I’m sure this will be too long and boring but I’ll try to make the best of it! I guess I’ll share a little about me so you understand where this is coming from and where I want to take this. I’m 22 years old, lost in the mess of life mostly, struggling to find my place, who I am. Struggling with body image issues, but making it seem like I’m totally fine on social media because that’s what you’re suppose to do.. Right? Struggling with anxiety, depression, eating disorders and other “Normal” emotions that a majority of people are dealing with in private. I’ve cried in fitting rooms while shopping because my butt doesn't look the way its suppose too in those butt boosting jeans, I’ve cried in my bedroom mirror because none of the 10 outfits I got inspiration from online looked the way they were suppose too, I’ve cried in my car mirror because as I was approaching the event I was about to walk into I realized my foundation didn't match my neck properly, my shadow wasnt blended perfectly and now because I was crying my fake tan was streaking as well as mascara now running down my face. Moral of the story, I needed to get rid of all my mirrors... Just kidding I’m too obsessed with looking at myself! Which saying out loud for people to read probably is not healthy! Actual moral of the story is I have been around the path! I’ve cried, I’ve starve, I’ve over eaten, I’ve tried “Magic diet pills”, strict diets, not so strict diets and cried some more because nothing worked. I could go on and on and on about all the times I’ve cried but I’m sure you’ve already skimmed down because you got bored of it already. I am on a journey that I dont understand, most of the time just turning in circles. But slowly I am coming to terms with it and learning to make the best out of the situation I’m currently in. I guess I’m making this blog mainly for myself, gather my thoughts, watch my progress. But also to maybe help encourage someone else to just keep fighting. Life isn’t all about rainbows and butterflies, its not always smiles on social media, its not all about the adventures that we can post on Instagram for likes. Its starting a diet, then eating a doughnut and struggling to start the diet again. Its crying in the mirror, not wanting to leave your bedroom. It’s crying in fitting rooms because we dont look like billboard models. But most of all its coming together and fighting the fight with other people struggling with us! I want to post as daily as possible! Don’t be afraid to reach out!