lorenzoandmaria-blog

[lorenzoandmaria-blog]

from maria // 042719

Hi there :) Before anything else — I’d like to ask if your schedule is free on May 11-12?

I organized the school strikes for the Philippines last 15th March (they were mostly just my friends from all over the archipelago so it was just a matter of contacting them and following up on the plans), and we’re planning to join the 2nd global strike again this 24th May. In line with that, we’ve been in close contact with Ate Bea from 350 and she’s been cooking up a training workshop on climate strikes and mobilizations for key youth organizers before the date of the 2nd global strike. To sum it all up: her proposal has recently just been approved by 350 Global, so now we’re putting together a list of youth organizers to fly into Manila for the training. Of course I put you in the list (your mob skills are admirable, and I’m pretty sure your organizing skills are far better). Would you be up for it, if ever? 

The workshop schedule will be May 11-12, but we’re flying people in by the afternoon/evening of the 10th. We’re flying back to our respective places on the afternoon of the 12th so we can make it back for the elections on the 13th. Sorry to dump this on you at short notice (!!!) but things were only finalized yesterday afternoon -- would need your response on this as soon as possible, though, so feel free to reply here or drop a quick message on my mobile once you finish reading this part :) You can message me at 0927 461 8620 (Sorry for the rush! Trying to keep my work, advocacy, and personal life in balance ) Anyway, hi again :) Just want to say -- thank you for writing me, by the way. Don’t know how else to say it, but our exchanges are one of the very few things I look forward to these days. I like leaving things unexplained, if only to have something to mull over for later, so I guess I’ve yet to get to the bottom of my current emotional turbulence. Wanted to respond a little bit earlier, but today was a little on the heavy side of things for me! Waking up to your greetings, life crisis, and the promise of a portrait in prose was honestly the only thing that got me through this day. So thank you, really I’m a pretty stubborn person, so I’m quite unsure if I’m glad to stumble upon someone whose persistence is at par with mine  Thank you for remarking yet again on my knack of evading questions -- not denying, but it’s mostly on the grounds of me not being able to go through the process of thinking it through yet (I have a lot of stuff put aside to think about for later, which I always convince myself I have the time to). When I do find the time to get thinking, words would get lost in the grey skies. It always ends up in frustration and/or a bit of self-loathing, which explains why I actively leave things behind and focus on what’s ahead instead. Am I speaking in riddles? I feel like you’ve been sharing a lot of good stuff with me but all I’ve done is go round and round with the same jumble of thoughts. My apologies. It’s the only way I can speak without, again, spilling my life all over the place (trust me, it isn’t deserving of what little time you can spare). But I guess if I have to give you a bit of context... I’m overly anxious about the interpersonal troubles within the advocacy -- we’re very close-knit, which adds to the frustration that this isn’t solving itself easily when the problems have been surface-level at most. But of course, being myself, I’ve been psychoanalyzing people and I’m aware it’s gone beyond superficial reasons now. I’m a pretty direct person when dealing with troubles, but I haven’t had the chance to voice out my concerns lately and find solutions, what with all the hectic schedules. It’s been almost a month of constant worry, blanking out, and going through other forms of anxiety. I’m so frustrated that I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of this. Apart from that, I’ve also just gotten out of a long-term, really toxic (and I don’t say that lightly) relationship, which largely explains why I was able to say I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long while (doesn’t mean I’m downright bereft of troubles, though!). It’s been almost two months since this happened, so I’m gonna answer the hanging question: yes, I am alright, and no, I’ve never been better. The relationship weighed me down for the past 3 years (we were together for 4, but I was actually happy in the first year of it) and I’ve seen the end coming for so long -- was probably only waiting for it to happen, actually. Would run out of things to describe the feeling, but it is freeing in so many ways. I haven’t looked back since, and my friends have been on cloud 9 the moment they knew I finally put my foot down. There’s usually a template of questions one asks to another who has just gone through a break up, so let me just put into writing that it’s completely unnecessary to dive into before you predictably contest my conviction :)) (how do I combat your stubbornness when I like seeing your persistence anyway?) I guess that’s where I end the context-giving I would apologize for the late response, but I echo your sentiments about writing for necessity. Our exchanges have been somehow therapeutic. I’m now finding the time to sit down and translate my thoughts into physical matter (that being in the form of these letters) at least once in a while, which is more than I’ve been doing for the past years. I’ve been swimming with my jumbled thoughts for so long -- maybe as a form of denial, since putting things into writing make it real. An excerpt from a 2017 journal entry: “Without physical proof of its existence, one can fool oneself into thinking pain is fleeting — easily blown away by other, more convenient forms of distraction. It is out of reach until it pins you down. It does not become the whole of you until it draws close enough to consume you.” Props to my 19-year old self for explaining it better (and more dramatically ) than I can now. I’ve also written a poem about lost thoughts — will definitely share once I remember where I have a copy of it  I go back to it once in a while since it resonates heavily with me despite the changing times. To answer your question, what keeps me going is my fierce belief in the future and the lack of fear of oblivion. The future exists beyond myself, anyway, and it’s the lack of fear that powers me through the impossibilities. What is there to lose, after all? Life is transient. If we do things right and create the spark the world needs, the flame will burn on without us. I assure you things haven’t arrived at a life-or-death situation yet, I just like being dramatic.  Pretty sure you get what I mean, though. Would like to hear updates about your confrontation with your boss if it happens! I’ve had my share of being under mushroom management. Hands down one of the worst experiences ever.  I’m still actively trying to repress memories up to this day. I'm a firm believer of good leadership, and stuff like that drains the life out of me. Let me know once you find the inuman place you’ve been looking for -- it’s becoming more apparent that drinking plays a huge role in your life, eh? When I’m sad, I listen to a lot of music to clear my head, read a few pages from books (can’t really find the time to finish one nowadays), and sleep. Talking to friends help, too. Just not really used to it for the most part, as I said I don’t like it when people fuss over me. Maybe this is why I’m more comfortable opening up to strangers, as there are limitations to your reactions and responses, unlike friends in close proximity with me. And maybe also just the general comfort of talking to a stranger who knows nothing about your life? The titles sound interesting -- might check them out in the unforeseeable future (time is always the question, isn’t it?). I’m still finishing a huge number of books I’ve been collecting in the recent months, all acquired from physical and online bookstores, secondhand shops, book fairs, and loaned/given to me by friends. Reading is one of the things I’m painfully trying to get back to, after the deluge of advocacy work that left me little to no time at all for (and have drained the life from) any personal interests. (Mindful) consumerism of books has been one of my coping mechanisms, a way to lull myself into a sense of connection into whatever life I had before the advocacy. The smell of the pages usually do the trick of transporting me back to younger years. That being said, I am falling back into reading and writing bit by bit, and our exchanges are helping me ease back into it. I’m looking forward to that portrait, too!  There’s nothing more interesting than reading about a life well-lived (that, and the fact that it’ll come from you). Advocacy work has also been a form of coping mechanism from the aforementioned toxic relationship, loneliness, and my search for purpose, I guess. One of the struggles I’ve always had was my burning passions lacking purpose and direction. I’ve been dancing, painting, taking photographs, writing poems & screenplays, making/directing films, and creating digital content for fun for years (couldn’t really do it all professionally since I’m stuck with reality and school work as a Psychology major), and the advocacy has been a really good outlet for these skills. For the first time I’ve felt like I wasn’t just throwing my art and thoughts into the void -- it actually helped change things. Helping out a cause and trying to make little changes in the world is pretty straightforward, if you ask me. I find it weird for people to try and find back stories. I probably have one if we really wanna flesh it out, but for the most part, I’m just a concerned human being with skills people can exploit, so I’d rather have it used for good causes. I think I’ve said enough for you to piece together my response to your question about how much of ourselves we should set aside for the “greater purpose”. I have zero fear of nonexistence, advocacy work has become my daily grind and coping mechanism, and I have nothing else to do with the skills I’m equipped with anyway. Your question warrants me to rethink these sacrificial tendencies, I guess? I’ve always wanted to pursue art professionally, but at this point, pursuing art outside of all this seems self-serving and vain. How do I invest many years of my life honing a skill or two, when it also means leaving behind campaigns that need urgent attention and action? I’m pretty sure it’s a choice I have to make, but I’m setting it aside for now. What do you think of it? And how much are you setting aside for all of this? It’s been a pleasure to write you. Rest assured that these exchanges aren’t merely one of my coping mechanisms, but one I genuinely enjoy taking part in  I’m skipping out on asking questions for now, so feel free to rant or be sad or write me anything under the sun. I’ve talked too much today, so allow me the pleasure of listening to your unbridled thoughts I hope my troubles haven’t spilled over to yours. If I can bottle up all the light, warmth, and sweetness from this smiling city and sugar town, I would gladly send them over to you. I hope your days are as bright as your smiles and as warm as your wishes. It would comfort me greatly to know you’re allowing yourself some respite after long hours of waking -- let the stars witness you dreaming. Good morning and good night  

[lorenzoandmaria-blog]

from lorenzo // 042619

Apologies for the rather late reply. I don’t want to use tight schedules, tiring commutes, late-night meetings as alibis because for a correspondence like this, one has to make time when there is always no time to be found. I will also admit that I am so eager to hear from you as well and this is one of the good things amidst the bleakness of it all. And while, all the more I can’t do real-time responses, I hope you find in me a better listener and talker than the void :))

To be completely honest, I haven’t also been able to respond because the work here has soured my thoughts and I felt as though I would end up ranting here on messenger. I have been resorting to something I do when I’m sad, that is, humoring myself with irony and dark comedy. What I mean to say, is that if I wrote earlier, it would have been from abandon rather than necessity (this being the only reason why one should write, I believe) which wouldn’t reciprocate the justice you gave to my questions. Glad to hear about your stay in Isla Gigantes! Hearing how great the place and people were, I do hope that that will be the first of many trips for you to that island (I’m sure that with your talk, the locals won’t hesitate to drive you around to see the sunrises and sunsets again!). Thank you for believing in me and please know that it means a lot :’) I guess it takes one to know one, so allow me to also say that I believe that you are a catalyst of change as well —and that is at a 110% certainty :)) However, I have to ask (and this is the real cliché), what keeps you going? True, we don’t have to accommodate all the bad news, but sometimes, that which we do accommodate is heavy enough, where do take the heart to bear it? And when the breather is taken, where do you get the will to let it go and dive into the thick of things again? what does one do when advocacy and organizing has become a daily grind— so much so that even life-or-death decisions are sterilized with repetition? As to your questions, I won’t evade any! (unlike some people I know hehe) I get by the unstable internet by doing as much as I can offline then use the 5 mins of stable connection to send emails, messages, etc. Yes, I do need it for the work but my boss seems to think that I can get by just fine. I have no clue as to why I was suddenly placed here in Iligan and all the more stupefied as to why I agreed. I have yet to angrily confront my boss on this���what my colleagues used to call as—“mushroom management”. It’s part of my day job--- with all that political shit on the side. Very little, as I don’t know anyone here. To find possible peers, I need to first find out where is the inuman place where young minds plot revolutions and contemplate if they should call their exes  di ko pa ito nahahanap though. The office has good enough cellphone signal but it’s the long commutes really that cut me off. When I’m sad (as in really sad, not ironically happy) Mostly, I drink and scroll through Facebook or I might listen to a piece classical music packed with feels. Sometimes I read and reread poems that are also full of feels. That or drink with/talk to a friend. How about you, what do you do when you’re sad? Yes, I will be able to fly out or ride out but only when the need arises or merong conferences, meetings, etc. outside Iligan. Haha actually, last time I checked with my boss it wasn’t six months-1 year; it was “indefinitely,” which means that it depends on outcomes and external developments--- where and whenever shit needs to get done. The books I brought? I have a ton of e-books but those aren’t real books because they don’t have that smell when you flip the pages :)) The real ones I brought are two by Bienvenido N. Santos--- “Brother, My Brother” and “You Lovely People” (collections of short stories, all of them sad haha) and “The Eternal Lightness of Being” by Kundera (for a lighter, self-indulgent read). The recent events have somewhat compelled me to bring a Bible, “Biblia ng Sambayanang Pilipino” version— the choice version of every leftist who still believes in God (idk if I’m religious or what, that is a topic for a loooooong discussion) How are the days looking so far? Long and exhausting. Few hours of sleep, only a few bites of food, meetings meetings meetings papers papers papers— it’s like college all over again! So I guess I’ll be fine. The stakes are so much higher though, so mind-bogglingly high that I don’t really think about it much (if only to keep what’s left of my sanity intact) Aside from our exchange, there are a few other good things here. One in particular that I want to share with you, is about my only partner-in-crime here. He is a simple man, a good man but I just can’t describe him curtly here, it wouldn’t do justice—both to you and to this 67-year old veteran of at least two wars and a million other endeavors and episodes! I tell you, it’s a miracle this guy is still alive and still so jolly. I want to give you a portrait or a sketch of him, I just need a week or two please! (And as you might have guessed, I paint with words not brushstrokes, although how I wish!) Lastly, I wanted to ask about you, how you haven’t felt like yourself in a long while and how you haven’t felt so peaceful in such a long while. How do these two fit together? And why do you actively not think about things somewhat left behind after the deluge of advocacy work? And what about the jumble of things set aside? Although I must say, I can relate but I must also ask, just how much of ourselves must we set aside for a “greater purpose”? What does it mean for life to be good yet fleeting? Forgive me, but I don’t believe you have nothing more to say. :)) I hold as a maxim for life, the saying, “wherefore one cannot speak clearly, one must remain silent,” but if anything, you have been as clear as the sun and star light you have so poignantly described. Take your time as well (if only so that I may read your response when my schedule and internet connection becomes better! huhu) You will be happy to know, that yes, I am doing alright and if it’s alright, the heaviness of my sleepless days here would be lightened if I were to know that the same is true for you. I hope your day starts and ends as sweet and as wonderful as it can ever be. The warmest greetings and solidarity to you from the fields of Maigo, the uplands of Ozamiz and again, the bustling and beautiful city of Iligan and all the places I’ve been to the past days which in one way or another, have made their presence felt through the words of this message.

042619 //  1:57 AM

[lorenzoandmaria-blog]

from maria // 042419

Um so hi again! Let me answer all the questions before asking you new ones, just so I can find some semblance of order amidst all of this (I like to fool myself into being organized, although I'm far from it ). So I hope you don't mind wherever my brain takes the both of us -- not sure where to start!

Isla Gigantes is huuuge -- no surprise there. Sad to say I only stayed for one night, but I got to see the sun set where we held the event, and rise wherever the locals drove us to at 5 o'clock the next morning -- only knew there was a lighthouse, so there's that. The island's a 7-hour travel to Bacolod, so we had to leave by 7AM. Happy to report we made it to the event! The talk in Gigantes went alright. I speak fast, so I burned through a lot of things in 37 minutes, when I thought it would've taken me an hour. I'd like to believe people caught up with what I was saying -- the nods and responses assured me of it, so I guess it went okay? The experience was wonderful, and the difference is apparent between talking in (mostly highly-urbanized) cities and a close-knit island community. People are more involved in local efforts and put high value towards conservation, which of course goes without saying, but it was refreshing to see first-hand. The barangay captains, kagawads, & SK officials were knee-deep in participating and organizing too -- something you'd never see in a city like Bacolod. Mayors and local officials are special guests here who expect to be served and pampered, not organizers and active participants   If it helps a little -- just wanna say I'm a hundred percent sure you're a catalyst of change :)) I think getting weighed down by all forms of bad news is an unfortunate part of advocacy work, but I hope you also know you can't -- and don't have to -- accommodate it all. Don't feel bad about taking a breather once in a while, if circumstances permit I'm sorry to hear about the overwhelming pressure of adjusting to a new place, and getting stuck in a city you barely know!  I'm unfamiliar with the feeling, but I can imagine the strangeness of it all. If it helps, I like being on the receiving end of your thoughts, so feel free to type away. Can't promise real-time responses, but we all know talking to the void helps. Talking to one that responds (however late) is the second best thing, I guess :)) To summarize the decade-long monologue: life's good -- been re-centering myself lately and I can safely say I'm in a good place mentally. Haven't felt this peaceful in such a long time. Been talking more to my friends (I'm usually closed off to people I know bc I dislike it when people fuss over me), and getting in the right headspace to unravel the jumble of thoughts & emotions I've put aside. Can't really expound further without spilling my life all over your screen, but even then, I have nothing more to say. Looking forward to the sunny days and wherever else this life will take me  I recognize the privileges I'm afforded with where I am at the moment, and I'm aware of the fleeting state of it all. Here to soak up all the sun and light and warmth, before it sets. Counting all the stars when night falls. Hoping I'll always remember (and be able) to grow wherever I find myself in the future. Ah, there I go spouting clichés. Maybe I should be the one apologizing for going on and on  let me end with the questions before dawn knocks me off to sleep: How are you getting by with unstable internet? Don't you need it for all the work you're doing? If you don't mind -- why the sudden deployment to Iligan? Is the assignment part of your day job or something else entirely? Is it possible to find someone your age to work with there? I have nothing against old people, but being around our own peers is refreshing!! What do you do when you're sad? How are you communicating with everyone else with the lack of signal? Will you still be able to fly out for advocacy/campaign stuff or are you stuck there until you leave for good? And why 6 months to a year? Guess I'm not apologizing for the number of questions I've just thrown at you -- after all, I did warn you I liked asking stuff Last few ones -- how are your days looking there so far? Any good things you'd like to share, amidst the bleakness of it all? What books did you bring with you to this new life? Take your time to respond and/or pick which ones to evade :)) I must admit I'm looking forward to hearing from you. Would be happy to know you're doing alright Good morning or good night, take whichever suits the clock  warm greetings from this side of the sea as well :))

042419 // 12:52 AM

[lorenzoandmaria-blog]

from maria // 042319

No worries at all! I've been echoing the same thing for months actually -- haven't written in so long. I've never really felt like myself in a long while, ever since the advocacy & campaigns took over my life. I used to dance and paint, too. I think 2 years had gone by without me touching a brush?? I don't know for sure, I actively avoid thinking about it if it floats in my brain.

I'm about to head to bed, I think I'll have to wait til tomorrow and gather my thoughts -- have to give justice to your curiosities. In the meantime, if you get this before the morrow, good night! Hope you're getting the rest you deserve after the 14-hour ride :)

042319 // 12:21 AM

[lorenzoandmaria-blog]

from lorenzo // 042219

Ahhh ayos, how was the talk? How was Isla Gigantes? Was it big? *ba dum tss

Ohh I see... yeah nasa group naman ako. Sige sige looking forward sa magiging developments. Sorry though sobrang nabusy ako this Earth Day and with virtually no internet (I actually have to leech internet from neighbors here in Iligan) idk what has been going on! what happened and did you make it on time? how was all the events/celebrations? can I see one of the photos nung human formation/demos? :))

Yung plan kasi namin sa Davao with the challenge thing I'm not sure kung natuloy kasi I had to leave for Iligan (that's the 14 hour bus trip) and hindi rin ako yung in-charge. tbh nahatak lang ako sa Y4CJ sa last minute hehe sorry talaga all I can post from here in Iligan is how a coal power plant destroys people with smoke, exploitation and bullets (not really an uplifting post for earth day huhu) 

My assignment in Iligan has to do with (shhhh don't tell anyone) organizing work... union set ups, case filings, labor association building--- basically hell-raising from scratch. although it may sound exciting it's actually mostly meetings, commuting and paper work. Kind of sad actually because of the stories you hear plus all the guys you're helping out are old folk who should be retiring and resting... that and all the stuff that makes Mindanao really the wild wild West (technically South) so for the most part---instead of being a catalyst of change---I'm reduced to a receptacle of bad news that just so happens to be young enough to accommodate it all (so they assume) I'm I making sense? sorry it's been a long day... 

Honestly, I don't know how am I... overwhelmed to a point of absurdity I think. I was thrown into this assignment with barely a day's notice and I'm stuck here in Iligan--- I place I've never been to--- for the next six months to a year with only a 67-year old as a workmate (he's the best but he really should be enjoying a retirement) Something forces me to say, "been through worse" or repeat ka Gani's phrase "same shit different day" sobrang keri lang naman nung work if I was part of a team of composed of meat as fresh as this 23-year-old-UP-graduate (believe me that is actually far from fresh) That's the only thing that really bugs me (that and the flying cockroaches in the office I'm staying in!) 

Sorry for the winding prose... lumalabas na yung tendency ko magsulat (and it's been a while since I've written anything) but allow me to ask, and if it will take decades to answer, I don't mind, (allow me also to live up to the match you've said) what makes you say life's good?

Warmest greetings from the hot, crowded, dust-ridden, dirty, smog-filled, chaotic but nonetheless beautiful city of Illigan. :)) 

042219 // 11:55 PM

[lorenzoandmaria-blog]

the beginning

L: Kumusta? How’s the mural going?

M: Hiii I'm doing great!! Bad timing, I'm about to get on an island without signal Draft stage pa lang ang mural, we're looking for a date na everyone's available and also a nice wall to put it up in. Maybe end of month or early May hahaha How's life?! May actions ba sa community nyo? Mobilizations for Earth Day? Hahaha

L:  Glad to hear that :)) ah ok ok well I guess you'll be getting this message after you've left the island... so I hope that it was a beautiful place and an awesome experience! 

ako rin actually I have to go on a 14 hour bus trip soon... barely any signal along the way; wala ring stable internet where I'm going huhu can't wait to see it! can you spoil the subject of the mural though? xD my life has been turned upside down by my assignment sa Iligan, plus the stress of so many things to do... so I guess it's the usual... "same shit different day" (and place) to quote the late Gani Serrano haha Meron dapat eh sa Davao, ang Y4CJ... we were discussing how to create an online trend (a la ice bucket) where our group would challenge another... but not so sure where this plan is right now what about you guys in Bacolod? and tuloy ba yung launch ng EJL sa 22? and you, how is life? haha sorry I have so many questions xD

M:  Short-term stay lang bc they invited me to talk for Earth Day, so hi I'm back! Yep tuloy, I'm not sure ang plans ng CEED tho. Nasa fb group page ka naman diba? Di pa kasi kami naka debrief after the summit, our schedules won't line up lol 

Safe travels!! Where's the 14-hour bus taking you? I don't mind the questions, I like talking and asking stuff back so I guess you've met your match What about your assignment in Iligan, if you don't mind sharing? I love the ice bucket idea -- we also did a simple challenge thing for our plastic campaign last year, hopefully yours catches on too!

Iwas from Isla Gigantes but I'm going back to Bacolod now, hoping makaabot sa Earth Day event namin by 4PM  was supposed to be on the island until tomorrow, but Bacolod duties call. Organizers can't afford to miss the event 

We're making a human formation, just a simple outline of Negros Island and then the usual statements and public demos. Photo ops, media coverage, all that shit. Also looking forward to seeing posts and mobilizations from all over the PH!!!! Aaah As for the last question -- might take me a decade to answer so I'll leave it at this: life's good. How are you?