lovelessfirst

[lovelessfirst]

AFW Day Five

@arospecfanworksweek

Rating: Gen

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Prompt: 'lithromantic'

Warnings: None

Mostly, Marinette wasn't sure why she was feeling the way she did. So Adrien was Cat Noir. Just the idea of it made her brain freeze in confusion.

Maybe she was supposed to feel excited, or at least happy. Putting together all the information meant that it was Adrien, as Cat Noir, who was in love with her. The person Marinette had a crush on returned her feelings.

Before the actual moment of it, Marinette would have been ecstatic. That, she was sure of. At least, she thought so.

With a deep frown on her face, Marinette paced up and down in her room. All her posters and planning and everything related to Adrien glared accusingly down at her. She turned away and stopped.

It had usually been her friends who pushed for her to pursue Adrien. Of course, she would've wanted to anyway. Marinette had been in love with Adrien and she thought wanting a relationship was what had to follow.

There had never been other options for Marinette than pursuing a relationship and she was struggling to remember if she really had wanted it. The dissonance between before and after Cat Noir's reveal was too strong.

It was Adrien being Cat Noir that had messed everything up. All Marinette needed was time to get used to the idea.

Even that didn't fit with how she really felt. Inside her was a mess of dread and anxiety and the deep seated knowledge she was trying to ignore that she didn't want to be with Adrien.

What made it so difficult was Marinette didn't know anyone who felt the way she did. Whenever her friends' feelings were returned, they were eager to get into relationships. Marinette just wasn't.

Disappointed in herself, Marinette sat on her bed and hugged her knees to her chest. She didn't know what she'd tell Adrien.

Then again, Adrien wasn't in love with Marinette. It was Ladybug he was in love with and that wasn't really her. As soon as he found out who Ladybug really was, his crush would disappear.

Relief washed over Marinette at the idea. It was a giant pressure off her shoulders. Maybe things could just go back to how they'd been before.

[lovelessfirst]

AFW 2023 Day One

@arospecfanworksweek

Rating: Gen

Fandom: DC Legends of Tomorrow

Prompt: 'struggling with one’s identity'

Warnings: Internalised arophobia and mention of biphobia.

"What's so bad about being normal?" Spooner appealed to Constantine. "You don't think that kid would give just about anything to have a normal life again? I know I would."

Even after everything, Spooner still clung to the idea of normal for herself. Nothing had ever felt normal for her. She would have given anything for just one thing and Constantine, obsessed with his magic, just didn't understand.

"Yeah well," Constantine responded, "some people want picket fences and ponies, don't they?"

Hearing the frustrated words, Spooner was brought up short. Underneath the harsh tone was a weariness she was familiar with in herself.

That cookie cutter life with marriage and kids and romance had never been something Spooner had wanted. It was just another abnormality, more that the aliens had taken. Constantine was the first to mention a similar feeling.

However, Constantine had never been abducted by aliens. At least, he hadn't said so. It was different for him.

Frustrated herself, Spooner demanded to know why she should help Constantine.

"You know where I'm from, being normal is..." Constantine was intense as he explained why magic was so important to him and why he didn't care to be 'normal'. "It's being told that only degenerates can fancy men and women."

Spooner's mind leapt into action as she considered the possibility. Maybe she was like Constantine.

Zoning out a bit, Spooner struggled to think back, categorising every feeling she'd ever had towards people. There wasn't much difference between genders. If she liked someone, they were cool to hang out with.

That didn't really seem to be what Constantine was talking about though. Similar maybe, but not the same.

"The ability to break the rules..." Constantine was saying, getting Spooner's attention again. "That's who I am."

It was cool for Constantine. Why magic was so important to him was making sense. Only Spooner wished she knew herself like Constantine knew himself, rather than just feeling deficient.

[lovelessfirst]

Valentine

Surrounded by romantic decorations, X rolled their eyes. "Valentine's Day is the worst."

At their side, Y looked uncertainly around. "Don't you think it's sweet?" they suggested, a little hurt by X's rejection of something they personally didn't mind.

"Sweet?" A questioning look from X was turned on Y. "It's not sweet for me. I'm aromantic. The only time this stuff acknowledges me is to insult me."

More than a little startled, Y parted their lips. "It can't be true."

X's expression was impassive as they jabbed their thumb at a nearby sign. "That's literally advertising for people who are sad and pathetic without true love in their lives."

There was a pause as Y read the sign. "Oh," they said, let down. Then they brightened. "True love could be platonic."

"Except," X quickly corrected, "no platonic true love isn't a failure either. And also..."

Letting the thought hang in the air, X approached a nearby salesperson. Y hurried after them, curious as to what X was up to.

"Hey," X greeted the salesperson. "Is there anywhere I can get a card for" - their friendly smile became rather forced - "my true love valentine?"

The two friends were directed to a wide shelf of cards, stacked from floor to ceiling.

Arms crossed in a satisfied, but not happy about it, sort of way, X eyed up the large selection of cards. "Would you be comfortable sending any of these platonically?"

Wanting to make sure they were answering the question truthfully, Y flipped through some of the cards. There was a large variety, but it was a variety in romance and nothing else.

"No," Y finally agreed, setting the last card back on the shelf. "I wouldn't send any of those platonically, unless I was joking."

Since they'd expected the answer, X just nodded. "Your relationship is treated seriously," they then mused. "People actively encourage it. While I'm... pathetic, apparently."

On X's behalf, Y was mad. They strode forward and grasped X's shoulder. "You're not pathetic."

The declaration was unexpected and X stared at their friend. "Thanks..." they said slowly.

Frowning, X looked at the ground. They'd become so used to having everything around them set against them that they'd forgotten other people could challenge it.

Judging their friend was upset, Y wanted to cheer them up. They looked back at the cards and asked, "What would a platonic true love card be?"

X blinked and focused. "I don't want a platonic true love card. That might work for others but..."

While X struggled to articulate what they were feeling, Y waited patiently.

"That," X settled on eventually, pointing to the romance cards, "is always going to be prioritised. A platonic true love card would just seem like a lesser option when I'd rather opt out altogether."

Accepting it without question, Y nodded. "I'm sorry," they offered.

"Why?" X responded, shrugging. "It's not your fault. Unless you're part of big romance keeping me down..." They smiled a little, playful. "Are you?"

Before Y could respond, their phone buzzed in their pocket. Apprehensive, X glanced at it.

"My partner," Y explained, reading the message they'd just received, "has decided to spend the day together, after all. I should -" They hesitated and bit their lip, looking at X.

There was no point to fighting it. "I'll be fine," X lied. "Go if you want." They wouldn't accept being someone else's lesser option either.

Before an aisle of romantic cards, X stood watching as their friend abandoned them for a romantic partber.

[lovelessfirst]

Carnival of Aces: Representation in Fiction

When X entered the room, they found Y doubled over with shaking shoulders.

Alarmed, X hurried over to their friend. "What's wrong?" they asked, because they were bewildered by the scene.

"Nothing," said Y. They wiped at their eyes and looked down at their wet fingers with a kind of puzzlement. "I've never understood crying happily until now."

Not too sure what to make of that, X was hesitant as they sat down beside Y. "So... good?"

The book in Y's hand tapped lightly against X's leg. "Yes, good," Y assured, more than a little impatient.

X held up their hands in surrender. Still, they smiled, pleased Y wasn't really upset.

There was a long pause as Y, lost in thought, stared down at the book in their hand. At their side, X waited patiently, ready to listen if that was needed.

"Representation," Y mused. "It is... also sad. Something so tiny, a word on a page, has this much impact. Asexual. Because it's... so rare."

With their brow furrowed, Y turned the book over in their hands.

"Why didn't I have this years ago?" Y questioned at large. "It's ripped open my brain and written down my thoughts. This was always possible and yet..."

The absence of it was left unspoken as Y shook their head and smiled a little, defeated.

It was X's turn to offer a nudge, pushing at Y's knee. "Focus on the positive?" they suggested.

"It is positive," Y insisted, continuing their explanation of the conflicting emotions to X. "Now. But moreso because it wasn't before. Hence, happy crying."

[lovelessfirst]

Glitter

Cw for brief internalised arophobia.

"I want to be just their friend," X explained with exasperation. Then they clapped their hand over their mouth and swore. "Not 'just'. I always do that."

Absently, Y offered, "It is not 'just' to feel as we do. We are as much as, and more on occasion."

"Yeah, I know," X sighed. "'Soley' is better. Gotta beat it into my brain until I stop hearing that little voice in my head telling me I'm lesser."

For a few seconds, X paced back and forth, then they sat down and buried their face in their hands. Concerned, Y sidled over and sat down beside them, hesitating over what to say.

After a moment, Y said carefully, "I read a lot..." They'd had an idea.

It got a response from X who looked up at their friend with a small fond smile. "Yeah, you're a real nerd, I know."

Settled on the course of action, Y pulled out their phone and swiped a few times on the screen. Over their shoulder, X was watching curiously, a warm solid presence at Y's side.

Y explained, "Every time I read something... amatonormative, I suppose... I note it down."

Having found the small collection of instances, Y turned to hand their phone to X. They waited while X read, watching as first the frown appeared and then slowly deepened.

"How long have you been doing this?" X asked, not looking up from the phone.

"A month?" Y guessed. "Less?" They'd wanted to see how prevalent such content was but it had been an impulsive decision.

Startled, X jerked their head up to stare at Y. "There's hundreds of examples here."

Since X was no longer reading, Y retrieved their phone and voiced a couple of entries. "Are you sure you're only friends if you care that much? It's connection beyond mere friendship."

"You're lucky you took your phone back," X muttered. "I might've just chucked it at the wall."

With earnest eyes, Y admonished, "If you were in love with me, you would never chuck my phone at the wall. Romance is the only reason to respect my possessions."

Rolling their eyes, X shoved lightly at Y's shoulder. "I don't know how you can read that stuff."

Bowing their head, Y was more serious. "It's... glitter," they stated. "There's no escaping it. If I refused to read anything with such content, I would have nothing to read."

Considering that, X was lost in thought once again. If they'd been standing, they'd have returned to pacing.

Lightly, Y touched X's shoulder. "This is where the voice originates, that tells us we are lesser," they said to X, indicating to their phone. "It's insidious."

"Yeah," X agreed. "Yeah, it is." They twisted and pulled Y into a hug. "You're not 'just' to me."

[lovelessfirst]

Cw for brief internalised arophobia.

There was a twitch in Person B's eyelid, and they had to bite back their retort. Person A's response was a rejection of the painstaking conclusion Person B had cobbled together from their confused thoughts.

The silence stretched out. Person B was staring at the ground, expression unreadable, and Person A was beginning to think it wasn't such a casual matter.

"Hey," Person A said while reaching out to touch Person B's shoulder. It withdrew before contact could be made, a casual shrug denying Person A as Person B stepped out around them in a successful avoidance attempt.

"It would help," Person B began to elaborate slowly, "to know what liking someone is. Of course I like you. Every moment of my spare time is given to you. But that is not what is meant." They paused and looked a question at Person A. "Is it?"

Swallowing with a dry throat, Person A shook their head. "No." It was difficult to speak. They didn't know what was next.

"No," Person B echoed. Ruefully, they shook their head. "Does it matter that I think you are the best person ever created?" A quick glance is shot at Person A. "Truly amazing. I think about you constantly. What I want to say to you, how you will react..."

Heart in their mouth, Person A eagerly moved forward. "I do that too," they urged Person B, but a hand was held up to stop them.

"I don't want marriage," Person B denied Person A. "I don't want to wake up in bed with you every morning." Then Person B ducked their head. "Not unless we were too stubborn to sleep at an appropriate time and we passed out together."

At first, the reception from Person A was motionless but mention of that commonly occurring scenario got a fleeting acknowledgment in the form of a quirked lip.

There, Person B paused to think it all over, examining every feeling and impulse. Since beginning the internal back and forth questioning, they'd spent a lot of time in their head like this, searching for that desired clear answer.

"I've never wanted it with anyone," Person B stated simply. "I didn't know I was supposed to. I want to be there for you. I -" Sharply, they inhaled, and they lifted one hand to rest on their chest.

The yearning in Person B's chest was a physical sensation, spreading through their body with a painful tightness. Still, it meant nothing, as they'd learned.

"One can't exist without the other." Bitterly, Person B lowered their hand and bowed their head. "Clear enough for you?"

Person A: So do you like me or not?

Person B: I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone.

Person A: Thank you for clearing that up.

[lovelessfirst]

Allowed

Cw for brief mention of acephobia.

Arms wrapped around their torso, huddled against the cold, X was walking with Y a distance from their friends by the campfire.

"It's freezing," Y voiced what X had been thinking. "Don't ask me how anyone is getting it on in this weather."

They were, of course, referring to their friends' behaviour. It had been the reason for the two of them to take the impromptu walk out of the warmth in the first place.

Discomforted, X wrapped their arms a little tighter around themself. "I'd rather not think about it."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Surprisingly to X's mind, Y was quite earnest in their apology, not a trace of sarcasm to be found. "Is that an in general thing, or just when our friends are involved? Either is fine with me."

"The former..." X said slowly. They were staring at Y with curiosity, confused by someone who was so understanding.

Catching the gaze, Y looked back with bemusement. "What?" They shrugged. "If it makes you uncomfortable then bye, bye, subject." In an approximation of a wave, they wriggled their fingers.

A frown brought X's eyebrows together and they looked away from Y. "Usually I'm expected to deal with it on my own," they explained. "Or receive therapy." Their smile was quick and bitter.

"That's awful." Y was vehement. "You're not hurting anyone. Why can't they just accept that some people don't want it in their lives?"

Somehow, Y was actually getting mad on X's behalf and it brought a flush of pleasure to X's face. The gratitude they felt towards Y was immeasurable. Still, there was always that doubt in the back of their mind.

Cautious, X side eyed Y. "Do you accept it?" they asked because it was difficult for them to believe.

"Mhmm." The responding hum was encouraging. "Of course. You're allowed to not like it, you know."

Despite Y's casual tone, their easy acceptance, X couldn't quite let themself believe it. "I..." They hesitated, searching for the right words. "I'd never want them to be shamed by me."

"You're not shaming them," scoffed Y. "If they need to talk about it, they've got each other, as well as anyone else who's interested. Why make you get involved?"

To that, X had no answer. All they felt was a vague sense of relief and the alleviating thought that Y might have been right.

[lovelessfirst]

Brackets

Cws for food, arophobia and a bad break up.

While X rummaged around in the kitchen, Y was lying back on the couch and their venting was doing little to hide how hurt they were.

"Why's it called unrequited love anyway?" was the subject. "I love them plenty. It's not unrequited at all."

Briefly, X looked up to see Y staring gloomily at the opposite wall. "Presumably," X told their friend, "the term refers solely to romantic love. Any other love is deemed worthless."

"Of course." There was something bitter in the reply. "In brackets before all forms of love is romance. Don't forget it."

Allowing that thought to menace the air like a storm cloud, X headed to Y's side and handed over the container of ice cream. Then they perched themself on the arm of the couch.

"Thanks," Y said brightly, as though the ice cream was worth having their heart broken. With the provided spoon, they dug in.

As they hoped that Y had been sufficiently cheered up, X approached the ice cream from a different angle, their own spoon darting between Y's.

A few spoonfuls in, Y went on, "Maybe I'm the one in unrequited love." For emphasis, they waved their spoon around. "They're the one who loves me only in a romantic way."

"What would the world be like if other love was referenced before romance?" X commented.

"A nice dream." Downcast, Y scooped up more ice cream but paused. "Romance is the worst," they finally said.

To say it was always cathartic. Romance was something that had been forced on the both of them since birth, ordered to be the one most important goal to strive for and obliterating all else.

"You know they got mad at me too," Y confessed then, looking torn. "For not liking them romantically."

Of everything, it was that which made X scowl. "As if anyone could control their romantic attraction."

The thought, stated so plainly, stopped Y. "Huh." They were blindsided. It was a relief to realise anyone could have been in their position, rather than blaming their aromanticism.

While X waited for further response, they sucked on their ice cream spoon and watched Y.

"You're right." Feeling a little better, Y went back to eating ice cream with X. "I don't blame them for my unrequited love. That's platonic," they added quickly, "in brackets."

A smile curved at X's lips. "You don't need to tell me," they assured and then considered on what Y had said. "They ought to have given you the same respect."

Nodding thoughtfully, Y mentioned, "They definitely could've steered away from the part where they demanded I feel some 'real affection for once'."

Anger sparked in X on behalf of Y, and for themself as well. Their feelings weren't fake simply because they weren't romantic.

"Yeah," Y continued with that same false casual tone, "my affection was bought from that thrift shop down the road. Not real at all." The corners of their mouth quirked up playfully.

That Y was finding humour in the situation was some comfort. "I for one welcome your thrift shop love," X nevertheless promised. "It's their loss."

[lovelessfirst]

Foundations

Cws for food, sexual innuendo, mention of asexual elitism (questioning validity of grey ace identities).

Beside X, Y was staring at the cake, and the icing bag was held limp in their hand. "I can never remember if the purple stripe goes at the top or the bottom."

With an amused smirk, X side eyed their friend. "It's equally unappealing to me," they teased.

Several other bags of icing lay ready on the table so X snatched them up and looked thoughtfully at the cake still waiting to be iced. At least it had time to cool down while Y dithered.

"The foundations," X began to explain, "for the AVEN triangle existed before AVEN was created with purple. That's how I remember the spectrum of black to white belongs at the top."

A lot of X's reasoning made sense to Y and they nodded their head in agreement. They had to ask though, "AVEN triangle?"

"It's an elaboration of the Kinsey scale to include the spectrum of asexuality."

Using the three different coloured icings of black, grey and white, X drew a triangle onto the cake. One of the points was shaded in black while the opposite side was shaded in white. The space between the two colours was shaded with grey.

Fascinated and observing closely, Y realised that the pattern the three colours made stacked on top of each other inside the triangle was the same as on the asexual flag.

"This is the Kinsey scale," X told Y, indicating to the white side of the triangle. "On one end is gay, and on the other end is straight. The middle is bi. Asexual is the opposite point, while the grey area is the spectrum of asexuality which includes people who experience some attraction."

"Why not the spectrum of sexuality then?" Y asked, interested. "Or allosexuality? If they still experience attraction..."

Already, X was shaking their head. "They also don't experience attraction," X pointed out. "Besides, allosexual is not 'one who experiences attraction'. Simply it refers to one who is not asexual. Do you know the requirements for being asexual?"

Something about X's knowing smirk told Y that they'd probably answer wrong if they tried. "Tell me."

"Identifying as asexual." Since they'd finished the triangle explanation, X scooped up the icing off the cake with a butter knife. "I won't tell anyone who they are or what they should do."

"That could be fun though," Y quipped, watching X lick the icing off the knife.

Catching Y's gaze, X paused and shrugged. "No, I don't think so," they said casually, and they set the knife aside. "Let's continue." After all, there was a cake waiting to be iced and eaten.

[lovelessfirst]

Celebration

Cws for digital self harm, mention of acephobia, mention of food.

On their back, on the couch, X was scrolling through their phone and with every post they read, their mood just plummeted even more. That was the way it was. Increased visibility meant increased hatred and they had to wonder if it was really worth it.

Someone hammered on the door and X jumped before they realised the cause of the sound and calmed down. They tucked their phone away into their pocket and answered the knock.

Dressed from head to toe in different shades of purple, Y was beaming from the doorway. "Hi!" they greeted, and they waved as well. Then they did a little spin so X could see that even the back of their clothing was purple. "You like?"

"Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?" was X's deadpan response. "Isn't the point to not like?" They crossed their arms and leaned against the doorframe.

From Y was a breathless laugh. "Maybe so," they accepted, and they bounced on the balls of their feet. "Can I come in?"

Willingly enough, X stepped aside to allow Y entry. They noticed Y had a bag with them but didn't comment on it as they closed the door behind them with a soft click. Though X liked Y and was glad for the company, their spirit was still a little down.

"What's with the purple anyway?" Y was asking, even while dressed head to foot in the colour for the sake of X. "Is it do with the ace card thing?"

To Y, it was a perfect leap in logic, but X gave them a bewildered look. "I have no idea where you got that connection."

"Well," replied Y in that tone which always implied they were going to take X on a wild illogical journey through their thinking, "purple is for royalty, yeah? And cards have kings and queens." They made a gesture as though to emphasise how obvious it was.

"That is absurd." Shaking their head, X still had to smile at the effort Y was going to. "It's about community. Our first widespread community gathering place was designed in purple."

A little put out at being wrong, Y pouted. Their curiosity got the better of them and they asked, "But why was it designed in purple?"

That time, X just shrugged. "Perhaps he liked the colour?" they ventured a guess. Their gaze fixed on the bag weighing heavily in Y's hand and they finally asked, "What is that?"

For the second time, Y beamed. "For making cake!" With a visible effort, they heaved the bag to shoulder height. "That's the done thing, isn't it?"

Somehow, Y was more enthusiastic about the whole thing than X was so X tried for a small smile again. "It's celebration," they offered up the information. "In the beginning, those of us who discovered the community were welcomed with cake."

"OK, nerd." The fingers of the hand that wasn't heaving around the bag of groceries pushed against X's shoulder. "That's actually really sweet."

Taking their heavy bag with them, Y traipsed into the kitchen, leaving X to linger behind. Their phone was still in their pocket, weighing heavily, and their fingers brushed against it.

Hooking their hand around the doorframe leading into the kitchen, Y leaned around to prompt X with, "You got something better to do?"

"No," X quickly said. The tension in their body eased as they scooped up their phone and let it fall onto the couch. They followed after Y. It was pointless to sit around reading about all the people who hated them for no reason.

[lovelessfirst]

How Dull

On the bed, dozing in the evening sun, X didn't notice anything was amiss when Y began to frown while listening to the lyrics of the song.

Finally, Y had to point out, "One does not fall when drowning. It makes no sense."

Jerked awake by Y's voice, X startled a little and rubbed at their eyes. "It's probably a metaphor," they murmured sleepily. "For falling in love. You know. No one really sings about drowning."

"Ah." Comprehension dawned in Y's eyes and they couldn't believe they hadn't realised the true meaning sooner. "Of course. I forgot."

A little further awake, X smiled and flicked Y's jaw with a finger. "Silly. How did you forget about romance? Teach me your ways." They settled down once more, this time comfortable against Y's back.

After a moment of thought, Y turned off the music and firmly crossed their arms. "I don't like music anymore," they declared.

That caught X's attention who, while faintly amused, asked, "Since when?"

"Since I realised what they're actually singing about." Unimpressed with the whole thing, Y turned their head away. Then they murmured, "How dull for them."

Trying to soothe Y, X rubbed their fingers into their friend's shoulder. "You wanna watch Netflix and chill out for real?"

When Y agreed, X set it up for them. Wise to what Y was going through, they steered well clear of romantic comedies or drama or literally anything at all. Eventually, they picked out a nice simple cooking show.

A few minutes in, one of the contestants brought up their spouse and there was a shot of them kissing.

With a peeved noise, Y threw up their hands and buried their face in their fingers. "Can I not have five minutes where it doesn't exist?" they appealed to whoever might have been listening.

At that point, X was ready to give up too and they turned off the show. They reached for Y's shoulder but Y stood, moving out of reach.

"That bothers me now," Y explained apologetically to X's outstretched hand.

Surprised, X lifted both their eyebrows. "It's not romantic," they assured their friend, and then smiled a little in a teasing manner. "I promise I'm not in love with you."

All the smile got in response was a grimace. "They'd assume you were." Huddled over with their arms around their torso, Y began to pace.

For a while, X watched, wishing there was something they could do. A small thought was bugging them in the back of their mind.

Finally, X had to speak. "Hey," they said, and they were regretful. "You know you don't need a reason. I know you have one but... You can pull away from me whenever for whatever. No need to apologise. Just so you know."

It brought Y to a halt and they stared at X like seeing them for the first time. Then they sat down.

Though Y didn't reach out and couldn't despite wanting to, a soothing blanket of calm was settling over them. The tension in their skin eased. It wasn't the entire world that was set against them.

[lovelessfirst]

Minimum

X's teeth bit down, fixing into the lobe of Y's ear but not breaking the skin. They remained there for one perfect second. When X pulled back, it was to press their hands up against Y's chest and push Y onto the couch.

In Y's chest was the rapid pounding of their heart, excited. They went willingly with X's actions, couldn't think of doing anything else.

Careful, treating their partner like something akin to glass, X slid their hand over Y's hip and brought their forms together. Lips sought out the vulnerable skin of Y's throat and teeth dragged over it before X latched on like they were starving.

With one hand, X dragged the collection of angles and flesh closer against their body and it was a solid grip. The power of it, the purpose, was something Y relished in.

Wrapped together, they remained, unmoving with X cuddling so close to Y. Once in a while, they'd shift, cuddling in, but that was it.

In time, the excited tension began to bleed from Y's body and they relaxed more comfortably beneath the weight of X resting on top of them. The pressure of X against Y's skin was entirely welcome and they easily could have stayed there forever.

A soft exhale slipped from Y's lips and they lightly touched X's shoulder. Contentment settled over them like a blanket, easing every muscle.

"You know," Y murmured, their nose to X's cheek, "this isn't what I was expecting at all."

Against X's skin, Y's breath was a hot breeze and bringing an entire room of warmth on them. It was a pleasant shiver down X's spine even as they turned their head curiously to look at their partner.

They'd known each other for a long while so it wasn't difficult to extract the meaning when Y pointedly cocked an eyebrow.

Deep in thought, X pressed their head into Y's shoulder. The possibility of anything else like Y wanted had never crossed their mind. It was irrelevant, unrelated, some place far away and puzzling to bring up. That Y had thought it was a constant astonishment.

Along with the absurdity was brief amusement. "Our friends will return soon," X reminded.

A small smile touched Y's lips but they nodded in understanding. Then they asked teasingly, "Would you even if they weren't?"

The answer was slow to come. Like everything in life, X was thinking over it carefully, examining thoughts, emotions, and reactions. There could be no straight forward immediate response from them. It was all complicated.

Eventually, X's nose twitched and scrunched up. "No," they decided. "It doesn't strike me as pleasant for the moment."

"OK." From Y was no argument, no trying to change X's mind about it. They only mentioned, "If it ever does 'strike you as pleasant' or... whatever... in some other moment maybe..."

"Does it strike you as pleasant?" X asked swiftly, leaning back a little so they could study Y closer.

"Right now? Definitely not." Throwing out a carefree smile, Y patted X comfortingly on the shoulder. "You just told me you didn't want to. It'd be a bit weird if I was still into it after that."

Not purely out of amusement did X smile then too, a large curve brought to their lips, and then they were pressing back up against Y, searching for as much contact as possible. Affection for Y was radiating throughout them.

"Don't like me for that," Y murmured, settling comfortably once more into X's hold. "It's the bare minimum, surely."

From X was no response, a telling silence. They were back to thinking, their fingers light on the body beneath them before they allowed themself to relax all over again.

[lovelessfirst]

Addition

Fingers ruffled through X's hair and then swept down to lightly brush against their cheek. "Which is why I love you," Y finished with an upwards quirk of their lips.

Smiling, X ducked their head, but they hesitated over what to say in response.

As Y turned away, wonderful like always, X watched them. Finally, they said to Y with caution in their voice, "I don't love you." Their head was down again. "I won't ever love you. It's not something I'm interested in."

"I wouldn't expect it of you," Y shrugged off X's concerns. "You treat me well. I enjoy the time we have together. Love is not required."

For the moment, X was quiet. They'd had similar conversations with Y before but it was still difficult to believe that what they said was really understood, that Y meant everything.

"Whenever I get close to anyone," X explained, "they have this list of how I'm supposed to act or feel."

A brief smile was given to X from Y. "You know I have no list," they assured. "Although..." It was the first time they'd hesitated. "Would you prefer if I was quiet about how I feel?"

Having been expecting Y to say something completely different, X exhaled a startled and breathless laugh. "You're worried about me?" Personally, they'd been worrying about Y. "No, I don't mind."

"Then you need not think further on it." In Y's eyes was a faint light of fondly amused patience.

By that point, X was beginning to relax somewhat, trusting Y wouldn't react badly. They said, in an attempt to explain, "Everyone else has close relationships in their base game but it's a DLC addition to me."

It wasn't missed by X when Y paused again. They appeared to be speechless before they swallowed. "You flatter me."

"Huh?" All over again, X was worried, wondering if they'd said something too outlandish for Y to accept.

"Rather than settling for me because you require someone no matter who it may be, it's your choice. That is flattering." A flush of colour was on Y's cheeks and they did seem pleased.

"Oh." Relieved, X grinned a bit. "Yeah, I guess." They looked down. "Doesn't it bother you that you'll probably never be my first priority?"

"There's little chance of you running off with some other person," Y dismissed and their lips quirked up to show they were teasing. "If I am bothered, you'll be informed."

Glad of it, X beamed. "Great," they said. They bit their lip, trying to suppress their smile, but failed and ended up grinning even more.