luaslieb

[luaslieb]

Feelings unspoken are unforgettable

But what about those feeling spoken that you both try to forget

The ignorance you display, the casual glance you ignore, and the preference for others you show

Does that speak of the feelings forgotten

Or that they are not

That they still linger in your mind like they marinate mine

Have you truly forgotten my spoken feelings

Or are you trying to?

[luaslieb]

ITS NOT OVER TILL I SAY ITS OVER!!!

[luaslieb]

There are robins in my hedgerow

I can hear them chitter as I try to read

It's a comfort 

Something thats talking to me that doesn’t really want an answer

Something that sounds like home

Robins sound the same wherever you are.

[luaslieb]

There’s a dream I have.

I am hosting a dinner party or Sunday lunch, a meal in any case. It's a spring afternoon. I have set the table. There's a patio door with a view of a garden, an almost muddy patch of lawn and brown twigs beginning to bud. The ground is damp with remnants of spring rain but the sky is clear. The sort of blue that could almost convince you it's warm outside.

I have a kitchen. It's small and it's functional. There's an oven. I think I really miss my oven. The kitchen is a tidy sort of chaos, the chaos of cooking for more people than usual. There's a wooden chopping board covered in onion skins and stained with tomato laying on the counter by the sink. Two saucepans on the hob, lids slightly ajar and steam rising from them. The oven glows orange showing promise of the comforting meal within. In my head it's lamb. Some sort of casserole or stew. There's a bottle of red wine half drunk on the side. I’d used it to make the stew with. And definitely had more than a couple glasses myself. I imagine my lips are stained slightly purple. 

I have a table just about big enough for friends to come round. It's a cosy squeeze but we can just about fit. It's wooden with a red chequered table cloth. It's been laid with plates and cutlery ready for them all to arrive. Gleaming mismatched colourful plates dotted with almost sparkling glasses, I don’t have enough glasses. I know that would be the case, in any future I live in I don’t think I would ever have enough wine glasses. So there's some places laid without, gasping breaks in an already hodge podge layout.

I have my own front door and there's a knock at it. My friends are here for dinner. And it feels a very grown up affair.  My best friend from school and his girlfriend, My 2nd year flatmate and their partner, My friend from halls and her boyfriend, My friends from writing societies, friends from all walks of life. The guestlist changes by the day, always a slightly different combination but always those who I wish to fill my life with forever. They’ve brought bottles of wine and bags of crisps. Someone’s brought pudding and another some flowers. 

And then the small kitchen is alive with people. People pouring glasses of wine, diet coke for those driving, people chatting, people putting crisps into bowls. I take the flowers to the sink and start putting them into the jug I painted on my 21st. Someone recognises it and we all laugh at the crudely painted cat on it. We spill out around the house. We eat. We laugh. And it's warm and its mine.

And it feels strange, this lusting for the future. Like I’m wishing my present away rather than enjoying and living it. And it's weird because I like my present. I like the freedom of going anywhere whenever I want to. I like being a student, I like the learning! I do try to live my present. I know I do. But maybe I should live it more. Bring the warmth I imagine in my future into my present.

[luaslieb]

We're in a story already written.

And I try to claw at the words on the pages.

To remove a sentence

to delete a chapter

to put us together again.

But I cannot.

The words are pre written and cannot be changed

the story strides forward dragging me along with it

And I don't know where its going

But I hope it brings me back to you

[luaslieb]

Petrol Can Heart

Kept apart by something neither of us can control

Thats whats killing me

For once I have a shot

You could be mine

and we could be happy

but the distance does matter

Despite the Miles I'll hold you close

your smile and jokes kept deep in my chest

I'll drink them when I miss you

and fill them back up when I see you next

[luaslieb]

Combing through the back of my diary and good god have I found some lines. Most are awful teenage ramblings but damn did I get suckerpunched by:

"So I'll take a step back and move onto pastures new,

Just please never forget that my heart once belonged to you"

[luaslieb]

You like me.

You show me that.

You find me in a room and give me a smile that is mine alone.

But then you don't.

You don't make the effort with me,

You choose your graphs over my bad jokes,

Your baking over my adventures.

Which one is true?

He loves me?

He loves me not?

I'm a dog waiting at your feet to play,

But I don't want to chase someone who doesn't want to be caught.

[luaslieb]

I walk home thinking of you.

The rain is comforting.

It seeps through me

the moisture healing cracks growing in my body

smoothing them over for now.

Until I dry out.

And you seep back in.

I plan all the things I would say.

I say them aloud.

The rain washes them away.

and it leaves me drenched in a sense of loss.

A sense of You

[luaslieb]

You say things to me that make me think you love me.

Things someone would say to somebody they want to hold.

But I'm not sure I want to be held by you.

I feel myself and free with you,

But I have The Thought,

The Thought that I shouldnt lead you on.

Even though I know I am treating you as I would a friend.

Even though I think you are too.

It is something that is entirely mine.

The issue of differentation,

of understanding my head

of understanding how attraction works for me.

It should not touch you,

But I cannot keep it from doing just that.

From clouding our interactions.

You are my friend.

I want you to be my friend.

And until such time you say you are not,

it is what you shall remain.

Platonic.

I don't think I want Romantic

[luaslieb]

new portrait really making a statement over in the uk

[luaslieb]

OMFGG guys! She’s gone! I can’t believe she left so soon tho! Like I know Liz wasn’t the most popular but you could just see how much potential she had! I mean we all knew she could be no replacement for Boris but he had run his course. The bookies clearly favoured a ‘Rishi’ era when she took over but Truss was such a bop tho! Like that cheese clip we got as a teaser when her casting was announced?? Sensational.

The start of this season was so good tooooo. The Queen dying and all the big set pieces were incredible!! Its such a shame that the rest felt so rushed when they did that so well! Like we normally get more time to develop the issues and themes of each new PM’s era but with Truss’ it was like they wanted to speedrun it from the beginning?

I still can’t believe her run was so short. Even Theresa got longer in the role and she wasn’t nearly as interesting! It did kinda feel weird to me the way they decided to pack so much into her run but leave all those plot threads untied by the time she went. It wasn’t even stuff you’d expect? Like the ‘pandemic’ plot point was never mentioned despite being like the setting for Boris’ run. Don’t get me wrong, I thought the ‘imminent and total collapse of the British economy’ plot was super interesting and definitely could have been sustained for the typical 3 series run we normally get from a PM (even if those are becoming increasingly rare) but it just didn’t hit quite as well as Covid did in terms of ‘imminent disaster’ factor.

 Tbh the whole way Liz left seems kinda odd to me too. Like I found out in a lecture that she was going and everyone was just in shock?! And I know a running gag in the show is the U-turns but a U-turn that big seemed really OOC. Like we got it with Kwasi and it was like the epitome of comedic timing done right but Liz’s? It’s clear the writers wanted to wrap her run up but they seemed to do it quite poorly. Maybe Truss just didn’t want to do it anymore? Like to me at least it seemed that with all that economic talk and ministers resigning they were seriously building up to some big end of era finale like we got at the end of Boris’ run. But maybe they got their funding cut and had to cut stuff off to bring it to a close earlier than they expected. I think that’s why we weren’t shown the fighting in the commons on screen. It was like they didn’t have enough time or money to put the sets together and get all the extras back for it.

I really did enjoy the speculation about who would be next though! Like with a regeneration you’re never really sure. We were all so certain that it would be Rishi last time and were kinda shocked when we found out about Liz. So, this time I obviously considered a Rishi run but I was still kinda surprised when I found out! And who was expecting that Boris could return? Even if it never came to be lol.

 It’s insane how mainstream the show is becoming too! There was a guy in my lecture wearing a ‘Ready for Rishi’ T-shirt! And there were posters up around my halls about Liz when she left! Plus, I actually found out Rishi would be the next incarnation through reading people’s laptops following the liveblogging of it in classes! Like its crazy how big our community has grown!

As the talk on campus about it seems to have died off a bit now I’m realising I’m kinda scared about the new series? Like if this one was so chaotic I really doubt the next one could be much better? But I guess we’ll have to wait and see. RIP Truss. You deserved better:(

[luaslieb]

If we are living in a simulation, then why can’t I clap alien cheeks? The desire to have sexual relations with the Na’vi is a common one, they even made 2 films about it, and one would think that if this life (that I am supposedly living) were a simulation I would have been able to clap some Na’vi cheeks by now. Yet, I have not.

When I paint myself blue and stand outside chanting in Na’vi? Nothing.

I thought maybe the lack of tail was an issue, so I gave myself one. Still nothing.

I have been unable to clap dem cheeks.

All I got in return was a stay at an inpatient facility. My psychologist is trying to blind me to the simple fact that we live in a simulation. The NHS budget, I’m convinced, just gets spent on different electroshock therapies and therapists to try and brainwash me. The simulation is so desperate to stop me clapping them blue cheeks, which makes me think that I am close.

 I do worry though that maybe all this is the simulation trying to save itself. After all the sex would be so mind blowing that it may crash the simulation for everyone. Or worse, it could mean that I complete the simulation. What would happen then? A blue screen? One of the texts like at the end of Minecraft?

It doesn’t matter. I am willing to risk it all for Na’vi coochie.

Watch out Sully, I’m here to steal your girl ;)

[luaslieb]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: University College London - Fandom Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: rat - Relationship, pigeon - Relationship Characters: Rattina, Pebble - Character Additional Tags: Forbidden Love, portico crossed lovers, Mutual Pining, cryptococcosis, Plague, Disease, Rat, pigeon - Freeform, Jeremy Bentham - Freeform, London, Bonding over pestillance, Whump, hurt comfort, Rat gets boot thrown at it, Ramsay Hall, Cheese, meningitis, Interspecies, Cheesegrater, Graphic Description of Corpses, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Graphic Description Summary:

The journey to Portico was tough, too tough to mention (I had a Dr Marten boot thrown in my direction, I’ve blacked out the rest). But it doesn’t matter, I can see her.

“Rattina?”

“Yes, Pebbles, my co-rat-zón. I have something I need to tell you”