lucidlucas

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.2.17

This weekend was quite the trip. I had a lot of fun and I got really faded plus I won some money. But if I’m being honest, I think I had more fun the first time I was in Vegas. I’m not just saying that cause I did mushrooms that time either. I thought this trip would be more exciting now that I didn’t have to hide my weed or alcohol and I could gamble, but it was disappointing in the aspect that we didn’t do any touristy shit. The competition was so big and long and scattered that we never left the hotel. Last time I got to experience the strip and try new restaurants and see things I’ve never seen, but this felt more like a vacation to the Orleans hotel/casino and not a vacation to Las Vegas. I was just expecting to travel outside more but the weather wasn’t as nice and we didn’t have as much time so I get it. And I’m not complaining just making an observation. We only left the hotel once and it was to hit a dispensary. I bought edibles and weed to go along with the dab pen I brought and everyone else bought a bunch too. We ate at different restaurants in the hotel and I played roulette for quite awhile. I got super drunk every night because I started drinking around 11 or noon and I went for at least 12 hours each day. I only threw up the first night though so I did pretty good. My sister won first place again and other than my feet being sore and having the drive home, the trip was a complete success. We ran into my aunt and I got to hang out with fun people I don’t see very often. So even though it wasn’t as expected it was still awesome. Which is why I’m trying to force myself to keep living by the 4 agreements. Be true to your word, don’t take things personally, don’t make assumption, always do your best. 2 and 3 are the hardest for me to stick with but the removal of assumptions is the removal of disappointment. And when I quit comparing my reality to what I thought was gonna happen, I can truly enjoy the moment more. I went to this trip with expectations but I had no idea what to expect my first trip so that perspective really affects how I feel about things and I try to keep it in check. Cause honestly this weekend was dope. I can’t even express how much thc and alcohol content had to be in my system.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.2.14

I have some outrageous thoughts at times and those times are becoming more and more common. My own mortality is something I’m constantly dealing with. Every day I’m trying to find a way to add meaning to my life. Sometimes, I am so worried about being legend that I focus on working more than anything. But when that gets too old I start to think being a legend is pointless because I’m gonna die anyway, and no matter how legendary you are, after certain generations pass away all legends will be forgotten. So really the whole point of life is to distract yourself with pointless things that you find care and joy in so that when you do inevitably fade, at least you had fun and didn’t waste all your time trying to be a legend. I’ve had a bucket list since I was such a little kid because I know I’m gonna die and there’s things I wanna do before then. When I ask people my age if they have a bucket list or if they care what happens when they die, they all reply saying “I’ve never thought about it.” And all I can think of as a reply is “how?!” But to each his own I guess. I’m currently on the road heading to Vegas and I’m tired as fuck. It’s not my turn to drive so I’m just zoning out in the backseat. It’s Valentine’s Day today and I’m lonely but I’m gonna have fun getting faded. I wanted to ask Jasmine to be my valentine but since I’m out of state, I didn’t. I also don’t think she would’ve said yes. She’s very conflicting. We have such a connection but she does whatever she can to make it harder for her to catch feelings. She wants to be best friends but said we shouldn’t spend alone time together. First time hanging out in a group and they left so we ended up with alone time any ways. I was gonna get her a Valentine’s Day gift but I figured it would only be good if I could personally deliver it. Since we’re not actually dating, me ordering flowers to her house is uncalled for. All week I’ve typed out long ass texts to her then deleted them. She doesn’t wanna bear the things I wanna say. So I just wanna get drunk, high, and gamble. But also every time I’ve gotten sad and insecure about her, she’s hit me up to reassure me that everything’s okay. I have no idea what’s going on in my life right now.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.2.6

Lately I've felt uninspired. I still have all the creative ideas I want to get done, but I haven't actually wanted to work on them. I've been writing less and my freestyles are lacking quality. For the first time ever I didn't finish my weekly drawing. I got a dab pen so I've started smoking more frequently at work now that I can do it in my office. I've also been drinking more than I usually do. I've had a Monaco almost every day at work for the last week and today I'm considering drinking it before lunch. I wanted to draw last night but I just went to bed. I've actually been going to bed way earlier than I normally do as well. For the past week or so I've been passing out around 8-9pm. I haven't been meditating and I haven't been doing that well at managing my budget. I'm high as fuck and it's only 9am. Not to mention I've only been at work for 2 hours and I already sent my employee to get me breakfast. It's gonna be a long day. All I wanna do is be happy but all my body wants to do is sleep. I compromise by living in a constant sleep-walk. I'm so much in my head that I'm out of it trying to escape reality and dream. I've had some crazy dreams recently too and when I told people, their reaction was "lay off the melatonin." But I like crazy dreams. It's like a natural drug I get to trip on every night and I wake up each morning fighting to remember what happened or to go back to it. Sometimes, I wish this world was the dream. There are so many thoughts in my head at one time, I've attributed it to voices. It's like they're constantly consulting in my head and I have to decide which is the most logical. Sometimes, they get argumentative and I just wanna shut them up and that's when I get overwhelmed and anxious. But sometimes they all vibe and get along and I go back to singular thoughts for a bit. We hired a new salesman and she just came into my department to meet the artists. I had to hide my dab pen and the Monaco that was chillin on my desk. What a great manager I  am. Normally I'd say it's my excuse to stay creative but I haven't been as creative lately so I don't have an excuse. I gotta get myself inline and get back to work on all my projects. I should also get back to work since I'm on the clock right now.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.1.19 (dream recap)

The first thing I remember about my dream was the space station that resembled a mall. All of the walls, floor, and ceiling were a bright metallic silver and I don’t know what I was doing there. But I Walked into a store to buy some random junk and I explored the aisles looking for something that would catch my attention but nothing did. I saw random toys, comics, and clothes, but nothing I was looking for. Then suddenly everything went into panic mode. I never heard an alarm but I knew one had sounded because I started running through the space station with everybody hoping to find an escape pod. When I found it, I crawled inside and ended up sharing the pod with Joe and Rixa. The escape pod felt very much like a 3person tent, with sleeping bags and everything, but it too was metal and it had giant windows on the sides of the walls. This is how I confirmed we were on a space station. Through the windows of the pod, I could see deep space. The moon was bigger than it had ever appeared and I could see so much detail. Through another window you could see earth floating far in the distance. Rixa started to freak out. Nobody knew what we were going to do and she was complaining we didn’t have food or anything to survive so we were gonna die in the pod. Joe fell asleep and I told rixa that I would do whatever I could to get them back to Earth. After a few days of laying comfortably in distress while looking at the stars, we managed to set a course back to Earth but I knew it was going to be a crash landing. I told them that when we started gaining momentum, they needed to lay on top of me so that I would get crushed in the landing but they would’ve lived. In theory at least. As the time got closer, the pod picked up speed and we were able to see the fire rising up the sides while we were flying towards the ground and I knew my time was coming. I laid down to brace myself and I tried to relax. I was so paranoid but all I wanted to do was sleep cause I didn’t think I’d ever wake up. Next thing I knew the three of us were driving away from the crash site trying to figure out where everybody was, what we were in space for, and what happened on Earth to make us leave. I have no idea how we lived or what were driving.

Then I woke up.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.1.18 (a poem)

What’s the difference between song lyrics and a poem? 

As a songwriter, I used to be so puzzled by this riddle. 

I tried so hard to understand it that it played me like a fiddle. 

And it wasn’t til acquittal when I quit all effort in trying to understand that I understood.

Songs lyrics and poetry,

Can be different, but they aren’t supposed to be. 

It wasn’t until I heard a poem that didn’t rhyme that this was shown to me.

Because on paper, there is no melody

But it was music to my ears and it truly spoke to me. 

A poet puts the words down with purpose.

A message to be told and a lesson to be learned.  

A poet is an artist who cares about their words and believes they’re worth more than any amount of money that ever could be earned. 

So there is no difference between the lyrics to my songs and poetry. 

Just because it flows on beats, doesn’t mean I wrote it for commercial needs. 

But money doesn’t grow on trees.

I can tell when it’s written for a goal or when it’s written from the soul,

And I’m sure it’s nicer to be richer than be broke, 

But my spirit won’t be broken cause I’m richer with it whole. 

Every poem is a song but not every song is a poem. 

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.1.13 (part 2)

Saturday was a busy day. I woke up with a mild hangover that went away when I showered. I ran some errands with my dad and sister, then spent a few hours at Kylers watching tv and getting high. All day I was building up excitement for my date with Jasmine.

While I was at Kyler’s house, I wanted to roll a banana blunt because she had said that was her favorite swisher flavor. My first blunt was all sorts of fucked up so I restarted with the second swisher in the pack and rolled a beauty. I made my dinner reservations, and I had planned to leave his house at 5:30 to go pick Jasmine up. However, she didn’t want me to have to drive so much so we took separate cars and met at the restaurant. I made sure to beat her there so I could open the door for her. She looked absolutely stunning.

We went inside and we got our seats. We got the royal dinner for two and she loved it. Every thing we got served just got better and better and she enjoyed the show. But my favorite part was the conversation. I could just talk to her forever and we never ran out of things to talk about. Dinner took longer than planned, and ended up finishing our dessert and reading our fortunes about 8:40. The movie we had planned to see was starting at 8:45 but anyone who goes to movies knows thats when the previews start. So I had faith.

We were going to take both cars to the theatre but Jasmine asked if I just wanted to ride with her. So naturally, we left my car in the parking lot and took off. Just after I grabbed the blunt from my center console. We were just about to get off the freeway when she told me to spark the blunt. I lit it at a red light on the exit and there was a cop right in front of me. I’m so glad he didn’t notice. We laughed it off and kept going.

We got to the theatre but didn’t go inside until the blunt was gone. Jasmine looked at me and asked, “Do I look stoned?” and I said “No you look cute. but we prolly smell dank as fuck. We hotboxed your car… with a blunt.” and she laughed again. We walked in, got our tickets, and got a drink. We strolled in to theatre  smelling like weed and we found our seats. Right when we sat down and got comfortable, Wreck It Ralph 2 began to play. Perfect timing.

As the credits rolled, we left and we were trying to figure out what to do. She wanted to drink so I recommended the Breakaway cause I knew it was close to my house. She took me back to my car, then she followed me to the bar. I walked her inside and we sat right at the bar. We both started a tab and told the bar tender we’d be splitting it 50/50. All we drank was long islands and tequila shots. We were trying to get drunk enough to do karaoke, but last call came before our confidence. People were even buying us drinks to help motivate us to sing I got see Rodney and his whole family for a bit but I never thought about the fact that the bar would close.

We left my car at the bar and she drove us to her house. She was definitely too drunk to drive, but she felt safe and I trusted her. I don’t even remember much of the car ride. It’s just a blurry conversation that ended up with me in her bedroom. She gave me sweatpants to wear that were so comfy, and she changed into sweats as well. We put a movie on but I don’t know what movie it was. We didn’t pay attention. We smoked the last of her weed, had a beer, and then we cuddled on the bed. It felt so nice to cuddle with someone again. She was so warm and her skin was so smooth. I had one arm wrapped around her. It was in her shirt and rubbing her stomach. We were cuddling on her bed sideways so our legs were on the ground hanging off and our torsos were on the mattress.

We talked and slept on and off for a few hours when suddenly my mental alarm went off at 8am because I had to be home by 9. My mental clock hates alarms so it tries to wake me up in time to turn the alarm off before hearing it.

Since I managed this, I was able to rub/scratch her back to wake her up. I wanted to kiss her so bad but I fought myself so I wouldn’t ruin things. I did kiss her neck though. She started getting up so she could drive me to my car, then she developed an idea. She wanted me to take her car to my house and do all my Sunday errands, that way I would have to return the car ultimately bringing me back to her house. I wanted to end up back at her house so bad but I had no idea how long anything was gonna take so I decided against it. She took me to my car and then she went back home to sleep.

If I didn’t have to wake up at 8 today, I would’ve been able to spend the whole day in bed with her. But we already got more plans ahead. I’m pretty sure she’s gonna hang out and crash with me for the weekend my parents are gone. She just keeps giving me more to look forward to.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.1.13 (part 1)

This weekend was amazing. It started off pretty normal but I knew it was going to be a special weekend. Griffin House had a concert Friday Night and it was going to be our first show with a live drummer. I was so excited. I’ve wanted a drummer my whole life and I knew he was going to tear it up.

I managed to leave work early, so I went to the liquor store, the bank, and then headed home. We smoked and listened to the set while we waited for our ride. Kaeleigh and her family showed up to take us down to the Shredder. Doors open at 7 but we got there at 6:30. We thought they would at least let performers in early, but we were wrong. So we sat in the car and listened the Spiderverse soundtrack while we waited. Finally, the clock hit 7 and we were able to go inside.

We walked into an empty bar not knowing how the night was gonna go. I’ve performed for packed crowds and empty crowds at this particular venue so I was kind of nervous. But the vibes were good and I had good hopes. Plus I knew there was a lot of promotion. We helped our drummer set up, we got the dj the beats, and we started drinking.

We snuck in a bottle of crown, so we just bought a few diet cokes from the bar and we mixed our own drinks. (They were out of regular coke). I finished mine and before I knew it somebody had gotten me a Monaco. I pounded that and then the alcohol started to hit me, mainly because I hadn’t really eaten all day, so I switched to water. Then people started filling in.

Anxiety started getting to me and I was worried I was too drunk to perform. But the angel on my shoulder kept telling me to Buck up and handle it so I stayed confident. Everyone I invited showed up and I even had some surprise guests. This caused me to pinball around the venue all night like an adhd dog who saw a squirrel. Before I knew it, the show was packed.

We took a smoke break to get nice and stoned, and then they announced that we were performing soon so we got prepped. I spent the day listening to “Psycho Smile” and I felt so confident with all the people I knew who came to support us. But I also knew we were going to kill it and all my nerves went away once I hit the stage. I could see all my different friend groups at various parts of the crowd. We asked who had never heard of us before and a large percentage of people raised their hands. So we gave  a quick intro and got right into Dynamic Duos. Instantly the bar was set high. People started filming and they realized we were a performance to watch. There was a person in the front row of the crowd, stage right. He had a ghm shirt on and he was having a blast but I didn’t recognize him so I thought we made a big new fan.

Stand Up  was the next song we performed and the crowd really started to feel the positivity. The drums were killer and we were on point. I was smiling while rapping and I could see everybody having a good time. I Got People was next and we had some technical difficulties to play through. The song started and were rapping along when suddenly the dj booth connection breaks and the beat stops playing. Thankfully, Jon knew the rhythm and he kept drumming so we kept rapping. The audio got weird on our end but the crowd thought it was part of the show. And cutting the beat allowed for everyone to focus on the lyrics of that song and the vibe was officially happy. The dj fixed the issue after the song, and we told him to hold off on starting the next one.

We had to bring Kaeleigh and Kiki to the stage cause Campsite was on deck. With Kiki performing in the battles later that night, we wanted to promote him and show our respects. Then the song started. This was the fastest drumming of the night so it was hype as fuck, and nobody was prepared for Kaeleigh’s magnificent voice. Kiki killed his verse and then I put my mic in the stand and sat on the side of the stage as Kiki got off. Kaeleigh was doing her solo “Tonight” and I didn’t want to take away from it.

Her song is very unique because she sings 3 verses that play off the same catchy scheme, but the chorus is just a beat and a hard to hear sample. Because of this, Kaeleigh usually just hangs out during the chorus part of the song. However, this allowed for Jon to do simple drum highlights on her verse, and  then he just let loose on the hooks. It was so entertaining. There was a guy in the crowd taking to me about how awesome we were and I made sure he got a CD. The song ended and I grabbed the mic out of the stand. Kaeleigh asked me to get center stage and the music started.

I was told people cried to this song. Jon started off slow and let the beat build and slammed it on the hooks. Then for the last verse that Kaeleigh does, we had him clap his sticks while we get the crowd to clap and it was so cool to see all the hands moving. After the show I yelled “We are Griffin House Music” and I felt like a fucking rock star. We threw the rest of the march out and people were freaking out for it. Then I told the crowd that we had to get the drum moved out and then they could buy me drinks. So that’s what happened.

We got the drums moved out and Jasmine got me a drink. And everybody wanted to smoke. So everyone split up and planned to meet in the parking lot. On my way there I ran into a total stranger who offered me a hit of a joint. I graciously obliged and started to smoke. That’s when he realized who I was and he said, “You’re in Griffin House? You’re dad just gave this joint.” and we burst into laughter. We were smoking the joint and he told me we reminded him of Chris Webby. So naturally he about shit his pants when I said we have a song with him. I told him to follow us and he joined up with all the other smokers. 6 different smoke groups lit up their joint/blunt and passed them around. I was in the center of the stoner venn diagram so I got to participate in all the circles and I got so high. I finished my drink in the parking lot, so Jasmine took it from me and gave me hers. After we were all high as shit, we went back inside to drink and watch battles. It started getting turnt up and I was still trying to accommodate everyone who came out, while trying to keep my fade on.

People kept getting me drinks so I tried to pay some people back. I bought a random round for people I didn’t know. Then I got a drink for Jasmine and her friend. As soon as I did, Jasmine’s friend turned to Jasmine and they had to go to the car. I guess her friend puked everywhere and was super sick. Not to mention she was underage and I didn’t even know we were sneaking her drinks. So unfortunately, Joe had to leave to take them home. She called me to apologize for having to leave and we continued to text throughout the night while I kept partying.

After a few battles, and even more drinks, Eddie wanted to smoke again. I told my dad and my dad didn’t wanna join but he gave me a cone to contribute. We went to Eddie’s car and smoked the cone. Then he busted out the entire dab rig set up and we started getting lit. I was too faded for the construct of time to make sense. I kept saying, “Guy’s we gotta hurry. We’re missing everything.” and they reassured me that we were only gone for 15-20 minutes… It felt like years. But we really didn’t miss much. We went back inside and drank until the end of the battles, and before I knew it the club was empty. My dad really wanted to go to a strip club, and the fan who was wearing our shirt earlier was like, “I can take you guys.” I didn’t think about it at the time, then we were all walking from the club and we were about to reach his car when I said, “How do we know you?” and it was Jon’s brother the whole time. They just never had a chance to introduce him to me because I was a fucking pinball.

Jon’s brother Justin took us to the club and he got out and gave us a hug and said “goodbye.” My dad was like “Hell naah where you going?” and we ultimately talked him into staying. We went inside the strip club, and it really wasn’t my vibe. My dad was so excited, but all I could think about was Jasmine. We were actively texting and trying to plan a date for the next day, but I couldn’t have my phone in the club. So I used the bathroom twice to send texts and I hid my phone like a student a few times. The strippers weren’t even turning me on cause it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want anything to do with them really. I just wanted the girl I enjoyed talking with. But I know how long my dad has wanted to take me to a strip club and he was having fun so I made sure to have a good time too. I only spent like $9 and had some crown. One of the strippers licked my stomach. And the hottest stripper of them all was named Mary Jane, but she worked with my dad at an old job and so she avoided our group. Finally my dad was ready to go home, and Justin ended up being our cab for the night. We hit our traditional Jack In The Box, and we got home and crashed somewhere around 1-3am.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2019.1.7

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was like 8 or so but I’ve always accepted the challenge and known that I would never let them win. But sometimes, I compromise with the thoughts. I have a list of addictions my doctor tells me to quit in order to live longer and not get cancer. One of those things being caffeine. So when I’m really low and I wanna kill myself, I just buy a coffee to help the process. 

Since I quit caffeine, my tolerance has decreased immensely. It used to be like water and I could have as many extra espresso shots I wanted. Now a few drinks in and my heart pump so fast my chest hurts and my brain gets fucking wired. 

I needed it today though. It’s the first day of my new 7am-6pm schedule and lord knows I hate staying past 5. But I wouldn’t have gotten my raise if I didn’t go along with the shift from 6am-5pm. Now I make almost $40,000 a year but I need to actually start keeping myself in check with my spending. I have some ridiculous habits that need to be broken. 

I spend too much money on food and weed a month. Sometimes I just smoke cause there's nothing else to do. However, I try to only smoke to make the things I am going to do more enjoyable. I take smoke breaks at work so I can handle the rest of my shift and it makes life more fun. For a while, I was in denial about my depression, but I am definitely depressed. I don’t think I would be so inclined to be high every second of the day if I wasn’t. I have been trying not to smoke weed before sleeping but it’s hard when I’m smoking all day until then. I got so worried it was making me not remember my dreams. I started taking melatonin to help fall asleep naturally and it has slightly helped me remember my dreams. I just need to get a solid schedule and get some real REM sleep.

It’s crazy cause all I ever want to do is sleep. But no matter how exhausted I am, my brain will not shut off and let get some rest. So I had to get high or take the melatonin. I have literally turned all my lights off and got in bed so tired that my eyes burned only to lay in the dark for hours doing nothing but thinking. I’m constantly on the fence because I want to sleep, but since I can’t my brain wants to utilize the time and thinks “I should be watching tv or playing games or writing” but I don’t get up and do those things because all I actually want to do is sleep. It’s just impossible. I’m pretty sure it’s anxiety induced insomnia but the melatonin has been making a difference. 

I’m trying to practice smiling more often and I’m trying to get all the voices in my head to say positive things. Some don’t listen, but I’m working on it. I hate the voices in my head. They always make me feel like I made the wrong choice and am wasting my life no matter what I’m doing. I could be doing everything I’ve planned, but there’s a voice that says, “you need to be doing this instead.” I’m always letting down someone or I’m letting my own dreams down. Because I have too many creative aspirations and I can’t work on all of them at once. So instead of logically attacking each idea one by one, I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. Then i lay down and sulk about my life which causes the voices to get louder and then I know I should be doing something else but I just want to sleep. The challenge is so fucking constant. But I pretty much always stay awake and that’s how my life goes. But I just have to believe that it will be better one day. I’m trying to feel my thoughts with Happiness, health, success, and wealth so I can get back to manifesting positivity and try to enjoy life. 

I get random dopamine rushes and those are the times I feel truly happy but it’s so rare nowadays. And when I get the opportunity to do things that would raise the dopamine, the voices make me question if I should take the opportunity. Lately, I’ve been getting a dopamine rush every time Jasmine sends me a text, but she doesn’t like talking to me as often as I want to talk to her. Naturally. We talked all weekend and even got to hang out and drink Saturday night. She’s coming to my concert this Friday and I’m so excited, but we’re not really talking during the week until then. We made plans to go to a paint rave when it happens but I don’t think there's one for a while so I need to plan another date before then and it has to be after the concert. 

[lucidlucas]

Journal.2019.1.1

So, I read my last entry and although it was pretty much drunken rant about my boredom at the time, I really did have those frustrations so I can’t take that back. I can say though that I was wrong. Everybody was passed out at 11 except for Kyler and myself. After 30 minutes, we decided the night was over and we started prepping our beds. We turned lights off and got ready to pass out on different ends of the couch. Right before we actually lost consciousness we heard screaming through the window from outside. Jasmine had arrived. I told Kyler we had to get ready and turn up again so the lights went on and we woke up everyone but Joe. 

All night we were doing mixed drinks, but Jasmine kept pouring up shots and I had to keep up. After most of the alcohol was gone and a few fifths were suddenly empty, she switched to beer and wanted to play kings cup. I fucking hate beer so I went back to mixed drinks and continued finishing the booze. We began to play but it was a janky app version and we didn’t even have a kings cup in the center. We were justing drinking over and over while doing what the cards say. When we realized we were doing a pretty off-brand version of the game, we switched and just played Never have I ever. This went on until about 3am when we finally slept. 

I had such a hard time sleeping on the couch. Joe’s cats kept waking me up and I always have a hard time breathing when I sleep and all the blunt smoke had really gotten to my lungs. We rolled up almost an entire oz into 7 blunts specifically for new years. Everyone else was passed the fuck out. At one point I woke up to pee and I ran outside to do so. On my way back the apartment stairs, I checked the time and realized that it was the exact time I would normally be walking up to pick him up for work. I laid back on the couch in silence to catch any Z’s I could but it wasn’t working. Then sometime around 7 or so, Joe woke up and wanted to smoke another blunt so he could go back to bed. I was so down.

 I got up and we started blazing. The smell of the weed (and the sound of our voices) woke everyone else up and they helped us finish the blunt. Then we all went to bed only this time, I was able to fall asleep comfortably and actually get some rest. We woke up again a few hours later and then we polished off the weed. We hung out for a while and then we had to part ways. Kyler and I left Joe’s house but we decided to have Subway first so he and I went and had a sandwich. 

I took half my sandwich home knowing I probably wasn’t going to eat it. Once home, I tried to lay down but I couldn’t nap. Eventually, my sister and her friends begged me to take them to Panda Express so I did on one condition. They had to buy me wontons which eliminated the need for me to eat that other half of the sandwich. After wontons, I played some spiderman and then I drove to Flying Pie to meet my sister and my stepdad for dinner. It was gourmet night so we paid for the buffet and it was delicious. 

We ended the night by going to Bumblebee which was a great movie. Very predictable but entertaining. I think it’s funny how much subtle animation went in to make him resemble a bee and him computer system to resemble a hive but he had nothing to do with a bumble bee until he landed on Earth. Like what a coincidence that is. And as soon as the girl backed down from the high dive at the beginning, I knew it was going to be required to save the day. But all in all, they did great with the film and I had a good time. My favortie part in the movie was when somebody said, “I thought black people quit drinking tea after Get Out.” I fucking lost it. Afterwards we hugged and I went home to pass out. It ended up being an alright start to the year. Could’ve been better could’ve been worse. 

[lucidlucas]

Journal.2018.12.31

I fuckin hate life sometimes. I was supposed to go downtown tonight but I got talked out of it. Joe and I were supposed to leave early and go to his house to prepare for the New Years party. However, he got fired on the way out of work so the vibe totally changed and we were just pissed off so we started drinking. Jasmine was supposed to come and hang out but she had other things to do and I was really wanting to kick it. Then we went to Rixa’s mom’s, unexpectedly, and had dinner. I was supposed to Uber to Sean’s from there to start the downtown trip but I got talked out of it due to money reasons and jasmine was supposed to be coming here. Now she ended up downtown and I could’ve been there plus I’m bored as fuck. I’m really high and really drunk but I haven’t danced or laughed as much as I thought I would. Everyone is too high/drunk/tired and it’s only 11pm. Nobody is gonna make it to midnight and that’s fuckin lame. I could be way more faded and way more broke but way more jolly. Lame way to end the year I guess. And I know I’m not gonna sleep long at this house so I’ll be driving home hungover tomorrow and that fucking blows.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.2018.12.27

Today was so weird. Started off drowsy as usual, but Nobody else was up at their normal time so my whole house was dark. There was snow actually on the ground, an inconvenience we didn’t even get to appreciate on Christmas. I used the last of my gift card to get a hot chocolate and proceeded to work. Only to find out there was a country wide internet disconnect through century link and I knew it was gonna fuck with everything. The important jobs had to be done using a cell phone hotspot then the team helped in other departments. All the salesman were calling phone books since the online lead list was unavailable. We smoked the last of my pearl and I had a nice salad for lunch. My homie and I made a plan for me to stay at his house tonight to play smash bros but now that I’m home I don’t think I want to commit. My depression wants me to sleep and my anxiety won’t allow me to, but they both fight the desire I have to go out and have fun. I just want to get high, eat and sleep so I can wake up and do it again. I’ve fallen so behind on my tv pilot. I feel worthless which destroys my motivation to finish the pilot only making me feel worse. My depression is in such a horrible cycle and everything just keeps getting worse but I’m trying to always see the upside. I’m super excited for New Years but I’m worried I’m getting my hopes up. I know I’m more excited to see jasmine than she is to see me. I haven’t been able to get her out of my head since the Christmas party. We haven’t been talking as much as that first weekend but every time I think she’s never gonna reply, she replies. And I even got a drunk text at 4am one night. I really wish I was awake for it. It’s weird not talking on the phone all the time and I’ve really had a hard time adjusting to it. I constantly get ghost vibrations in my pocket and I just feel more alone all the time. It made me realise how much I don’t actually open to people. I honestly thought I was an open book. But in reality, I open up to each person differently and give them the chapters they want to read, but never my whole story.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2018.12.24

Well it’s Christmas Eve and I’m way drunker than I expected to be. I threw up at the party but didn’t tell anyone. I just kept drinking and smoking. The puke and rally movement has always called to me, but it’s rare at a family function. I hardly even ate. It was such a fun Christmas Eve yet still so sad. My ex  ran away to California for the weekend with the guy she dumped me for and she called me at the party. I didn’t answer. Honestly, I was too distracted by the sadness I was dealing with from trying to accept that I won’t be able to go on a date with Jasmine and praying for a breakup is so rude I can’t commit. But lord she is all I have been thinking about. I just want to get to know her more but all the voices in my head have me convinced that she hates me. Pretty standard stuff I guess. 

I haven’t been wring my tv pilot due to the concussion and the depression, not to mention the weed smoke. But I’m supposed to be like 15 pages deep in the script and I’m really letting myself down. But the lack of motivation is increasing instead of the inspiration. Tomorrow’s Christmas and you know I won’t be writing then so really I’m like 20 pages behind in my class and that’s just another reason why I feel like a failure. 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to expect anything better to come for me in 2019 but I’ll guess I’ll have to wait and see. I’m going to be joining multiple groups of people on New Years Eve to party as crazy as possible. I am supposed to meet up with some old friends, then potentially take Molly with my cousin. I would like to share these drugs with Jasmine and her friends if there’s enough but I also think that’s too bold of an invite and could make or break her impression of me. and I don’t wanna make it worse even though I don’t think it’s the greatest as is. 

Then from there I’m supposed to end up at a friends house where we plan to smoke a footlong joint with at least a half oz of weed. I’m also bringing a roulette drinking game and anything to make the party fun. 25% of the night is meant to make me as numb and faded as possible, but the other 75% is to get some time to spend with her. I invited her to the party and I just want to get drunk and talk with her all night again. 

Conversations are so important to me and I love when they are real thoughts and not just small talk. and Since the breakup, I don’t really open to anybody but she seems like the type of person I could open up to and I really wish I could get the chance. But that would have to be more than a Christmas miracle... 

I think crushing on this girl could ruin me even more and I’m not mentally ready. I just need to get high and go to sleep.

[lucidlucas]

Journal.Entry.2018.12.23

So it’s been about a month since I got my heart broken and my 5 year long relationship ended. However we had known each other for 9 years or so in total so we decided to stay friends and since she lives on the other side of the country now it isn’t as hard as it could be. because I don’t have to see her with other people if I don’t want to.

We still keep a snapchat streak but I don’t screenshot them anymore and it’s hard cause I still think she’s beautiful and her smile makes me smile. But I never thought I would meet anybody else to fill that spot in my heart nor thank would have to search. I still don’t know if I ever will.

But the other day I met the most amazing girl and she blew my mind. She is one of my best friend’s sister which makes things kind of weird. And she has a boyfriend who I can only assume is better looking than me. Cause they always are. And im so selfish because all I want is for them to break up so I can ask her on a date. I’m pretty sure we’re gonna be drinking together on New Years and I’m honestly just excited to be her friend so even if it doesn’t go past that it’s a good compromise. But it would be cool.

She has the same name as my favorite Disney princess and she’s super cute. We got really drunk and we just clicked right away. We kept getting each other drinks and we had similar taste. We were at my company Christmas party so I was bouncing around talking with everybody but she became my focus after we got to talking.

Me, my two friends including her brother, and the princess got in the wrong Uber so that was a fun ride. She wanted to play my music in the car and we could’ve gone straight to YouTube. But I had her give me her phone number instead so that I could send her the link and I was so excited to put her name in my phone.

Once we finally got to the house were supposed to be at, we continued to smoke and that’s when we really got to talking. There was a solid hour and a half where we zoned out and got into our own world and we just talked about so many things. Every thing she said sounded like it was extrapolated from my brain and it was so much fun to talk about these thoughts and we have so much in common.

Then around 2am she went to sleep and not too much later I drunk texted her. I was so embarrassed. And I remember fighting myself for awhile but ultimately drunk me said it as a good idea to hit send. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad of a message. It basically said I had a lot of fun talking and even though she had a boyfriend I still want to be a friend and hang out but it wasn’t as concise. I also called her beautiful. It was more in the fashion of a Bojack horseman voicemail.

Then I took some melatonin to help the alcohol knock me the fuck out and she appeared in my dreams which never happens so I knew she was special.

Once I was awake and sober I was worried because I saw the “read” receipt but she didn’t say anything. When I went downstairs, we talked in the morning and we had a nice wake-n-bake. Everything was fine. But I still thought I messed it up pretty hard. Eventually she left and later in the day I sent a message that said “sorry I drunk texted you”. Then I deleted the conversation from my messages thinking I would never hear from her again... but then she sent me a smiley face and we talked all weekend. It only made me like her more. I even got her Snapchat.

So I officially have a crush. And even though that’s probably all it’s ever gonna be, I wanna get to know her more and let her crush me as much as possible because she’s worth it. Shes just so interesting and I’m so attracted to her. But how do I let my friend know? I don’t think I’ll ever even bring it up unless her relationship ends and I do get the opportunity to ask her on a date. But my pessimistic ass won’t let me expect anything that would end in my favour. Cause that’s my luck. But it’s kinda fun to have a crush. It gives my heart a light of hope. A light I never thought I’d see again.

[lucidlucas]

intro

Hello. My name is Lucas Thompson and I’m a bastard child that was born into a poor, psychedelic household with parents who loved and cared for me but had already split up before my birth. Due to this, I was always able to find comfort in having two homes and never knew the dissatisfaction of a parent’s divorce. My family was always keen on the importance of morality and not necessarily the law. I was a polite and respectful kid when surrounded by family and/or people of authority. But when it was just me and my friends, we would let our negative influences takeover and I have a lot of memories that are kept secret. Not because I don’t want to tell, but because nobody expects it so they don’t ask.

For a long time I wanted a brother, so the universe made me wait to see what it was like to be a brother before I could have one. When I turned 4 I got my first sister, then at 8 I got another. It wasn’t until 12 I got my brother and I am honestly very grateful. Having sisters made me protective, but if my brother were to be born first he would have been included in a lot of my antics which could’ve been a bad thing. Now I was able to make sure he learned from my successes and not repeat my failures. Each of my 3 siblings are actually only half-siblings but that never made a difference. We are very tight nit family even though our family tree is more like a forest of trees with overlaying branches,

I’m 22 now and I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. All I know is I want to be creative. Art is all I’ve every truly been passionate about. I’ve been drawing and writing songs since I was 7 and I now work as a professional graphic designer and have released several albums over the past few years. I have been studying script writing and am doing everything I can to stay creative on the daily. I find it challenging at work because sometimes I feel like a pencil instead of an artist. Making the art people want is nice, but it makes me the tool for their creativity when my dream job is to be able to wake up, create my own vision, and get paid for it. I know that’s a ridiculous goal but It is accomplishable. I don’t need to be rich, I just need to provide for myself and if I could do that with my own art, I would be happier as a human being getting by in this crazy thing we call life.

I try to stay positive, but I have a very nihilistic way of viewing things and I very rarely follow my own advice. But even though I tend to sulk in a depressed mind state dealing with anxiety, insomnia, and an overwhelming weed addiction. Not to mention a constant desire to do psychedelics and escape reality. I came up with a character for a cartoon called Lucid Lucas about a narcoleptic kid who constantly goes back and forth between a trippy dream world and reality. The more I thought about this idea, I realized why I loved it. I am Lucas…

Granted, I don’t have narcolepsy, but I do live in a twisted and mundane world where every day is a new episode with a challenge I have to overcome and obstacles thrown in to make it more entertaining for whatever sick fuck is behind the 4th wall watching me. Because of this, I am constantly escaping to another world with hopes of joy, laughter, vibrant colors, and any other distractions I need to forget the darkness that exists on this Earth.

When I’m unable to get lost in these distractions, I am consumed by this feeling of impending doom. My death is inevitable and there’s nothing I can do to stop it so there isn’t a point in trying. But I can try to find a point in making the accident of live worth it. So I decided to create this blog with the hopes of filling it with all of my distractions. That way when I do finally die, you can appreciate everything that i appreciate.

So if you’re reading this, there’s a 50% chance that I’m dead. Granted there’s a 50% chance that I’m still alive and you stumbled upon this before my untimely demise.