luv-zya

[luv-zya]

i don't think i necessarily want romantic love. or rather, i'm not sure i want to date.

the first time i've dated (the only time ive ever been in a relationship) my life revolved around the fact that i'm a Girl In A Relationship and i was running myself in circles trying to make myself the perfect girlfriend. obviously, since it was my first time dating like a big girl, i had no idea what i was doing. but yet i so badly wanted to be like other Girls In Relationships who are loved effortlessly and, in turn, love effortlessly.

that image that i was surrounded with, i think, is what i and anyone else really wants at the end of the day. GMO-free, organically grown and homemade couplehood that balances perfectly and seems like you were carved to be at each other's sides. it's not the Relationship you're seeking, it's companionship.

or, i guess, i'm seeking companionship. i haven't made any friends at college. i haven't gone to any parties because i was never invited. i've only eaten lunch with a friend once this year, and every other time was either alone in the dining hall or alone in my room. i go out to the city on my own, and the dazzle of skyscrapers only lasts for so long. the crowd flows by me, and there are people all around me yet nobody beside me, and all of a sudden it all seems like a waste of time. the train ride back home becomes sour in distaste for my own loneliness, and i return back to the eternal solitude of my dorm.

so yes. i do want a companion. i want a person that i do things with. i want the person to do things with me. i want us both to have secrets only we know and things that only we do, places only we see, for me to belong to only you and for you to belong to only me.

but i'm selfish.

i don't want you to appear, because i'd have to be the one to talk to you, because nobody will ever talk to me. i want you to already be here, for you to already like me, because people can't be liked when nobody even remembers their existance. i want our lives to blend into each other until it's our one life together, but i would hate it so much. i've spent so long on my own that i have no idea how to deal with a second person. you'd hate me because i don't know how to care for others properly, but i hardly even know how to care for myself, and i don't know when i will know, and i'll spend that time waiting all alone and nothing will change.

i'll never send you funny pictures at work. you'll never take my keys. i'll never buy you a sweater. you'll never take me to a concert. i'll never make my lockscreen your smile. you'll never choose my clothes. i'll never walk you home. you'll never choose the songs in the car. i'll never make you cry. you'll never make me laugh.

because i won't. and yet i want.