maeahli-blog

[maeahli-blog]

17 August 19

It’s been over a year since I’ve written in this blog but since Erin encouraged me to journal, I decided it would be a good idea for me to continue or at least write a little bit more of my life these days. I have been wrestling with the concept of loneliness. Ever since graduating from school, there really hasn’t been anyone in my life where I feel like I can lean on them for everything. Maybe God is teaching me I need to always lean and be sustained with only him but that is so hard for me because I am constantly needing the affirmation of people. That’s just who I am so will I never really be happy with life. I don’t think I will ever be 100% satisfied. And what really is the purpose of life. I’ve done a lot of things trying to be a strong woman of Christ but my drive is fading. It was such a superficial goal and now I don’t know what I want to do. 

I want to get married and have a family. I want my independence too and be able to just leave and travel wherever I want. I don’t want to be in the Army anymore. 

The Army is filled with people who are forced to do a job. I want to be surrounded by people who are motivated and want to do their job. Over all they will be happy with what they are doing rather than being forced to do something. I also thing I am constantly wishing my life away in the Army. I’m in one moment wishing it was over. I’m at bolc wishing it was over, then gunnery and stx wishing it was over, then pinon canyon, then ntc, then deployment... it just keeps going. In total I’ve been wishing over 2 years of my life away. That’s the total time I’ve been in the Army. I don’t think that’s going to end. I need to start planning ahead and making plans about what I want to do in the future.

I love tanking but I hate my job. There are too many stresses with too many people who don’t care. I also feel like I am unfairly being held to a standard that’s different from everyone else’s. I am scrutinized to a greater degree compared to all the other lieutenants and I also don’t understand if I am doing something wrong in my job. I feel like I am working so hard and know what I am doing but not getting acknowledged or the satisfaction and notoriety I deserve. Maybe I’m not working hard. Or maybe I really don’t know what I’m doing. 

I wish I could have a job that I was really good at and people would get jealous of how good I was at my job. They would want me on their team because of my expertise.  

[maeahli-blog]

26 April 18

I loved the sermon I heard yesterday at church. I really needed it. I was worn out. My heart was constantly heavy and I felt exhausted from everything on my mind. The pastor started out the message with Matthew 11:28. 

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” 

I have been so burdened with so many thoughts but this verse gave me rest. We also talked about the throne room of God. He is seated on his set throne. Not pacing and worried about anything but seated in his divinity. Why should I worry about life when God doesn’t worry at all. He already knows he has won. I am just a part of his overall movie/victory.  

The burden also made me feel like I’m exhausted with this life. We also talked about Philippians 1:21. For me to live is Christ and die is gain. We live on Earth for Christ but dying is actually reunifying with Christ and is a good thing. I sometimes wish I could just be with Christ now without having to go through hardships in life. Each day is a day closer to being with Christ but for now we are taking each breath and living each day because God has each day planned. I have been anointed into the position I am in right now.

[maeahli-blog]

24 April 2018

Work was boring as per usual. It hasn’t been exciting for awhile. In fact, I only get exhausted from over analyzing every social interaction I have. What do they think of me? Am I too friendly, serious, boring, incompetent, weak, passive. Am trying hard enough? Should I be trying harder? I knew this job was a people organization but I didn’t think it would be this tiring. I’m good with people but not with these people. I constantly feel like I’m being judged. Am I being judged because I am small? asian? female? or is it simply because I am new. Does everyone have the same experience coming into a unit?

I followed one of the LTs around today. He is in charge of packing conexs for the deployment. We had 2 soldiers from each platoon help pack.  He told me lower enlisted usually need supervision or else they don’t work. This was proven when we came back to the soldiers all sitting inside the conex instead of packing it. Granted, it was cold outside. I’ve noticed this LT is kind of an asshole to people. Do I need to be mean to my soldiers to be taken seriously? 

I went and bought a new phone. I read an article that said millennials will not even see a phone bill because they will usually have their parents take care of it for them. Noted. The only thing keeping me from being fully financially independent from my parents is my phone bill. I decided to fully pay off my new phone and then ask my mom to let me cover my own phone bill starting next month. This just adds to the more bills I have to pay now. Great.

[maeahli-blog]

23 April 2018

Hello. As a new hobby, I decided to start blogging. To whoever is reading this, I hope you enjoy my first post as a blogger. I plan to update this as much as possible. I want to share new insights and discoveries about my life. I also just want to write about what comes to mind. I was reading through what I’ve written in past journals and found that I reflect better and can see my progress when I have words written down. I hope I keep up with this and really watch my life progress as I write about all the things that happen. Til my next post!

-maeahli