manic-m

[manic-m]

each time I promise myself not to make a fool out of myself I make a fool out of myself

[manic-m]

never thought I'd say but I miss college

[manic-m]

conversation with my therapist - how to hold a conversation without getting affected by the other person. Mummy is definitely going to gaslight me - but I need to develop the capacity to manoeuvre through that blame game to the core of the matter.

I still love and believe in her, and I am not a child to just switch sides and forget about the other. I need to make some tough decisions and I need to be prepared beforehand.

One thing I still hold to is faith. Not in God, but in people and their ability to do good.

[manic-m]

here's the plan:

- on Friday, tell them about the text message

- 'I am going to talk to her. If only for my peace of mind.' I want to hear what she has to say - she may/may not be fine, she may/may not say something stupid and immature, but I want to call her anyway.

- I'm not going anywhere, I can't; the situation is such where I have to be careful of the moves I make, because it is affecting my family. But I can't cut her off from my life so I will keep a line of communication open.

- upsetting to hear, but I need to call her. As long as I am in control, confident and stand my ground, a phone call will not change anything. And even it does, if it gives her a feeling that I am on her side, it won't make any difference as long as I am here.

- I need to remind her what's at stake. I am very upset that I can't even step into my house with the freedom and comfort I had before, but I am adjusting. I need to realize for myself whether she is/not capable of making one right choice in her life.

[manic-m]

I miss my mom

[manic-m]

It's been a while.

I'm still sad.

[manic-m]

When you feel you have lost everything, you still have

books

unexpected kindness in strangers

the rest of the world to travel

languages to learn

animals to take care of

volunteer work to do

the power of a good night’s rest

the changing of seasons

infinite things to learn

billions of people to meet and possibly love

billions of people who might love you back

Needed this today

[manic-m]

I have no idea what I want. I feel like I'm floating in a cloud of uncertainty, without an anchor, without a parachute to bring me back to my home.

[manic-m]

do u ever miss your own energy. like damn what happened to me

[manic-m]

May Reads

- The Grisha Trilogy

- The Kingdom of the Wicked

- Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

[manic-m]

Intimacy in the form of a cup of tea

[manic-m]

There are no rules on when to be productive.

If you cannot function in the morning

You can do your work, homework, chores, etc. at 3am

You can go grocery shopping at 11:29pm on a thursday

You can shower, make your bed, brush your teeth at 3pm

You can write an essay in your bed at 9pm and go to bed at 1am

Don't force yourself to wake up at 5am to be productive and then think the day's ruined when you wake at noon

Doing something in a weird way is still doing something

[manic-m]

Alternate ending to the Grisha Trilogy

Alina: *being super annoyed with all the guys pushing and pulling*

Alina: *pointing to Mal* You may be my childhood friend and I may have been in love with you for the longest time, but basically, your whining sucks and you are irritating as hell. I am who I am and if you don't like it, fuck off!

Alina: *turning to Nikolai* I like you, you're a great friend, and you're ridiculously attractive, but I refuse to be a trophy wife. Get some other dumb bitch to marry. *throws the ring into his face*

Alina: *closing in on Aleksander, outraged expression on her face*

Aleksander: *backs away*

Alina: *staring up into his face* You might be the only person who really gets me and possibly the love of my life, but your attitude SUCKS, as does your outlook on life. Get a grip!

Alina: *turns around, storms into the Fold, destroys the fucking thing on her own, shouts* You're welcome, now leave me the fuck alone!!! *and rides off on the Firebird into the sunset*

Mal, Nikolai and Aleksander: *stare after her, gaping*

[manic-m]

“I am tired of measure, control, doing the right thing. A part of me would like to tear something apart and howl like a wolf.”

— May Sarton, Recovering: A Journal

[manic-m]

I hate them. I'm really trying, istg. But the inner, selfish, protective me just wants to toss them out of the house like cockroaches.

God save me.

[manic-m]

things I could do:

- learn sign language

- exercise

- finish reading my book

- write a story

[manic-m]

Good morning,

I'm wondering how to spend another miserable day in the lockdown. Time stands still. Day and night have no boundaries. You eat your breakfast for lunch and sleep till the sun sets down. You watch people you love grow tired of the people they love. You spend hours listlessly watching TV, wondering where this is all headed, finding comfort in knowing that you're not the only one. This life is a collective experience now.