marbearwrites

[marbearwrites]

I am wishing on the lightnin' bugs light to share this summer night with you...

[marbearwrites]

On Loop, On Loop, On Loop

Why does it sit so heavy in my thoughts? Why can't I rip the bad feelings from my heart? My body seems weighted down by all this pain.

[marbearwrites]

Grief Struggles

One thing no one prepared me for on my grief journey was the amount of times I'd hear:

"How's your mom doing?"

"You need to look after your mom."

"Take care of your mom."

"You need to help Mom out more."

And while I understand that they mean well-I am not my mother's only child (good luck getting my half of my siblings to help or show up). I say "Okay" and act like I agree. I don't want my mom to suffer either after losing my stepdad or brother last year, but it's a lot of pressure added to my shoulders when I'm grieving as well.

Makes me want to scream sometimes, "What about me? I'm also hurting too."

But of course, if I say so, someone will say I'm being selfish or mean. No, I also want to be thought of because my mother isn't the only one who's suffered in this house after they passed.

Sometimes, I just feel invisible and forced to remain silent for everyone else's sake but my own...

[marbearwrites]

Grief Letter #1...

The house feels emptier without you. I rise in the mornings now, hopeful that you'll be on the other side of the door. But neither does a nurse or a wheelchair greet me by the time I stand at the top of the stairs. N, your room is quiet. Dark. I still look for the desk lamp to be on or the sound of the tv. I am greeted by neither.

Upstairs, Moms' coffee has cooled down by the time I drudge up to the second level. No one stands in the kitchen with a cup of black coffee. Bacon jokes are not sounded at me while I walk sleepily into the room. "She smelled the bacon, and woke up," G would say.

We'd chuckle at our inside joke that no one else would get. Mom stays busy-busier than me. I stay home in fear of watching someone else leave. I pace the den praying Mom makes it back from the grocery store in one piece. I check the window three or four times a day if she goes out and about.

Lately, I've been wondering if I were a bird if I could fly far away from here and never look back. I feel chained to this horrid house with all these memories and traumatic stories. I wonder if Mom would be angry if I left. Where would I go? I don't know...I don't feel like I belong anywhere these days. I don't belong to anyone either. I feel like the odd man out. Always.

Everyone has been telling me to look after Mom as if I'm her only child. I know they mean well, but I want to shout at the top of my lungs, "What about me? What about me? What about me?"

It sounds selfish, doesn't it? Sorry...I never intended to sound that way. I've wasted my 20's pleasing everyone else it seems. I'm now carrying a sense of rebellion in me. The other day I went to the park and sat in the gazebo for three hours 'cuz I felt suffocated at home. If y'all were here, perhaps I'd feel more at ease. Mom seems to notice me more and I hate it. Go back to ignoring the quiet one like you've always done.

I cried at Walmart the other day when getting an oil change. The cashier kept asking if I was okay. I shook my head "yes", but I couldn't find the words to answer her. I missed y'all so much in that moment. I cried when I got back to my car and back to the house. Don't cry and drive, it's not fun. :)

Life feels dull without y'all. I try to smile with sunshine now, but I only do it half-heartedly. I remember y'all are gone and then I feel guilty. I'm worried I'll be stuck like this for a long time.

Also, G, guess who came to your funeral? Z! I was like, "What???"

I didn't tell him. I don't know why he thought it was a good idea to surprise me there-homeboy should have bought some flowers and sent them instead. Would have been more respectful of him, in my opinion. Sorry, thought you'd get a small chuckle out of that.

Anyway, I will try my best now to still move onward. I guess I have to, huh? I hope heaven is nice to y'all. Tell Granny I said hello, okay?

I miss you G and N. I love you...

[marbearwrites]

yuppers

[marbearwrites]

I sit under trees and talk to the sky hoping you can hear me from down here....

I miss yall

[marbearwrites]

— arealliveghost

[marbearwrites]

I often imagine a young version of myself sitting across from me in my room. She's been left to cry alone with all these big emotions no one has explained to her. She's wrapped her arms around herself and rests her head on her knees.

Older me sits remembering. But this time I carry the tools I never had back then. I crawl close to her, bending down to soothe her aches.

"It's okay to cry, ya know. Crying makes you strong. It's okay to have empathy and to care."

"It doesn't feel like it. Why am I always shamed for my sensitivity?"

"Because the folks around you were never taught how to properly feel their emotions, or to be allowed to. They think it's fine to exist as is. No one taught them differently."

Younger me raises a tear-stained face as her lip wobbles in discomfort.

"Why are you here?"

"Because you need me."

"But aren't you a version of me?"

"Yes, I'm still you, just older."

"Oh."

I wipe her tears away while I pat her knee.

"I don't have all the answers-no one can truly know everything. But I know this about you. You're going to face a lot of struggles ahead. Some you won't understand. The folks around you aren't going to be as supportive or comforting as they should be."

"So?"

"My first piece of advice I give to you: let them be them and you be you."

"Huh?"

"Let them be them. Don't lose yourself trying to fit into their molds they built for you. You won't fit. You'll be happier once you are yourself."

"And the second?"

"It's okay to feel emotions. It's okay to voice them too."

"Does it get better?"

I laugh as younger me stops sniffling. I gather her in my arms as she hugs me tight.

"Yes and no. But all your scars tell a beautiful story."

"How am I supposed to be myself?"

"You can't let others change you too much. Be sensitive. Carry that tender heart of yours proudly. Be gentle, but strong. Keep that inner spark alive. Mind that temper of yours. though. Know that life isn't easy, but you'll get through it."

[marbearwrites]

the secret diary of laura palmer, jennifer lynch

[marbearwrites]

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

[marbearwrites]

I hate my brain sometimes

[marbearwrites]

— Kriti G.

[marbearwrites]

[marbearwrites]

It feels stupid that I let it get this far, but it still hurts

[marbearwrites]

Sometimes we think we are over a certain behaviour or mental pattern. We think we have "healed" it, we are done and can move on. But if we look at it more deeply, we are probably not that done. And it's okay: it's something we have been doing and thinking for years, we cannot get over it in few days or months. So many aspects come into play, and we may need to work on the same thing more than once. With more and more determination.

So please be kind with yourself, and allow yourself to heal it once more. Do not feel bad about needing more work on the same situation. I know well it is really tiring and at times disheartening, but don't let this bring you down. You were (and still are) only trying to protect and save yourself, and cope with the lack of some form of care and affection you deserved to receive but probably could not for whatever reason.

Allow yourself to feel the pain, but know that you cannot find what you need where you used to search for it. You need to collect the strength and courage to look somewhere else. And not feel guilty for it, and for choosing yourself.

[marbearwrites]

[marbearwrites]

" I'm coming up, don't worry now // I'm too young to worry 'bout // Burning out (Oh) // Burning out (Oh)..." - Thomston