matilda-ding

[matilda-ding]

My universe

As I stare at your photos,

I am in awe of your grandiosity.

You are like an ethereal creature,

And I, a living spec of dust that has no value.

I kept on admiring your photographs,

dreaming that you would notice a nobody like me,

but that is farfetched, am quite sure of it.

Our difference is so vast and between our spaces,

there are other stars that circle your surrounding,

whose lights are brighter than mine.

How could a spec of dust be part of your universe?

How can I even equal those who are out of this world?

I guess I have to let go of this idiocy of daydreaming.

Daydreaming of that, your red string is connected to mine.

That, someday, our paths will meet and you will notice how weird I am.

But, no, that will not happen ever.

How can I move away from the universe I longed to be with?

Tell me, and I will do whatever you tell me.

[matilda-ding]

I was awaken with the cold breeze that touched my face.

I looked around and found myself in a strange place.

I tried focusing my gaze to that small light emanating from the window.

Then I realized, I am lying on my own bed, confused I laid back for a few minutes.

I was really that exhausted the day before, for me to be this confused.

Thoughts then came pouring in, emotions that I wasn't aware of, then a tear rolled down my cheek.

What on earth is happening? I couldn't decipher my own self that very moment.

I was just simply lost.

It seems that I was emotionally and physically drained that I couldn't catch my thoughts.

There was this feeling that I wanted to succumb to depression and never to recover.

I wanted to throw myself to that familiar warm embrace of defeat.

I really want to give-up, this very moment.

I couldn't think of anyway to escape this darkness, it's as if I am carrying a boulder and could no longer move an inch.

After a few minutes of trying to think and meditate, I came to my senses.

I felt that urge of claiming that sweet victory that I have been praying for years.

I have to reach it no matter what, and after that, I decided to cry my heart out until I fell asleep.

I felt the fang of frustration and it was deep, yet I tried my very best to pull myself out of that darkness.

I woke up with the warmth of the sun a few hours after that breakdown. This time, a smiled crawled my mouth, I felt relieved that I now given a chance to claim what is destined to be my SUCCESS.

[matilda-ding]

Breaking free

As months past, I still have thoughts of my what ifs. Lately I've been so confused with what to do next. I am lost within my obscure thoughts from non sensical things to major life decisions.

Sleep had left my body, every time I close my eyes, I can feel my heart beating so fast and hard and I can feel the rushing movement of my eyes as if it is about to blow up.

I told myself, I needed a huge leap of a miracle for me to be able to leave all these bothersome thoughts, or should I call it ANXIETY.

I have to regain my usual body clock before work starts again. I am grateful still, for experiencing spacing out every now and then. I am brought back to my senses after a quite time like now. Time check 6:29am and I haven't slept yet. My mind is full of running ideas. I am in a verge of losing myself in this trance of a moment.

I am still thinking when will I be set free from this so called ANXIETY?

[matilda-ding]

Tied Feet

When a person gets to feel their most painful experience, how long does it have to take for them to move forward?

People may say weeks, months or years. How to move forward if our feet are tied to that memory?

Sleepless nights, might bring me to my own demise if this continues for a couple more days. Tears just wanted to break free of from my tiny eyes, doubts about myself started to pop on my head. I wanted so bad to rip them off and never to remember any of it.

I guess months for me is not enough to move forward. It haunts me. That trashy thought of me not being enough, or that person is just as shitty as F...

I am just tired of the world judging me. I wished and prayed for a peaceful mind and life. I am so desperate to find something to cut off my tied feet from my past. I want freedom. Peace. Love.

[matilda-ding]

Drowning myself in tears, it hurts so bad. 2 months is still not enough. F*** this feeling. It is killing me inside...

[matilda-ding]

A leap of kilig

It was just an ordinary day for two muggle hearts.

We thought of passing by Stabucks and admire the coffee arts.

Saying my colleagues order, you repeated and waited for mine.

A smile crawled my chubby cheeks like i was nine.

Your face was so calm and your aura is glowing.

I never felt so embarassed and it was so frustrating.

I walked away because i can not contain my giddiness.

Really i could ask for your number but i felt that huge awkwardness..

Yeah. I am this old to feel the kilig.

But it is nice to feel once in a while though.

I could not even say my order, cat got my tongue.

And when you gave it to me, i could only utter, thank you. Aigoooooo.

Crazy....

[matilda-ding]

Hiling By: Edgar Brian Cabading

Itong aking buhay ay isang hiram,  

Sa Dios ko lang ipapaalam, 

Na minsay ikay umibig, 

Di lang basta isang bukambibig. 

 Sa panahon ng unos ar baha, 

Pinilit kong pagmamahahl ay ipahaba, 

Ngunit ang tadhana'y di pinagpilit, 

Na umanoy sarili ay isapilit. 

 Sa ngayo'y nalaman ang sikreto, 

Nalaman na ang buhay ay di perpekto, 

Parang isang matinding delubyo, 

Sa buhay koy napunta sa delikado. 

 Ngunit sa kabilang banda ng buhay, 

Ang mga ulap ay biglang humawi, Na ang sakit sa damdamin ay binawi, 

Tila ang mga tala ay nagbigay, 

Nang pag asa para sa habang buhay. 

 Na tong tanging nasa isip, 

Ang bumangon galing sa putik, 

Ang damdamin na biglang nasira, 

Ay ibuo ang sarili sa pagkaisa.

 Pagkaisa sa sarili na nabiyak, 

Sarili ay nilunod sa pga iyak, 

Ngunit ang pag asa ay biglang lumiwanag, 

Sa pag dating nang isang himala. 

 Na itong hinala sa sanay, 

Maging naway sapat sa buhay, 

Na ikaw sana ay maging, Habang buhay... I

kay aking hiling

[matilda-ding]

Goodbye budoy

I was running from a situation that I ended up in that small town up north. Months have past, I thought I was totally healed from past hurts. When I met you, everything was strange. You were not the typical guy from the neighborhood. You were simply different. 

We became friends and I told myself that I will not get attached to you that much because I know you were trouble. But my heart did not agree. I fell in love with your words and actions. I grasped that thought that MAYBE you were the person that I am destined to be with. 

Never did I know, you have your own little world to satisfy. You built your world far from the reality which ended up with your thought that it was okay to sleep with another woman during those days that I was not with you. All of those months, I thought you changed and became true to your words that you will not do it again. But, I was damn wrong. I became a laughing stock at everyone we know. It seems that I was to harsh on myself for pushing and trying to convince that we will work. 

Now that I am in a different country, you continued hurting me by choosing the same woman. I have a lot of questions in my mind, I wanted answers, i wanted explanations from you. Even if I know, it will hurt me to pieces. 

Everyday, I kept on praying that I will slowly forget you and not dream of you being with her. It haunts me everyday, it kills me everyday. I guess I loved you so much that I am still denying what is happening. 

No one deserved to be hurt like this, no one. But you’ve done it to me, by saying you love me and you want to be with me forever (you know deep inside it is not me who you wanted and love). I am forever grateful for trying to love me.

I will let go our memories and let go of you. But let me feel this pain for a couple of days, I loved you too much. I hope that you are happy with her. And I guess this is really goodbye...

[matilda-ding]

Why Does Our Heart Waver? by: Matilda Cabading

Every person dreams of having their own ever after. How would we know that the person in front of us is the right one? Does one feel their heart skip a beat? Or we see glitters in their eye? Or it is what is is? The moment we find the person whom we are comfortable with, our life begins to unravel right before our eyes. We redirect our paths just to be in-line with our partners. We tend to bend our dreams just because we are becoming as one with them. Everything changed the moment we decided to be with that person. That change could be so unnoticeable to the point that only those who really know us notices and we tend to tell ourselves that it is alright. That change is for the betterment of our relationship. On the other hand, the change could be so vast that even those whom we just met noticed. And our thoughts began to weave doubts if we are on the right relationship.

But why does our heart waver?

For some, it could be with a snap of a finger. For some, it could take decades. There could be a lot of reasons why. We find answers in our deepest thoughts, it could change our perception as to why we are in a relationship or it could change our emotions towards our partner.

Others may find the answers from other people, subconsciously they are already hooked up emotionally and find reasons to cheat from their current partner. They denied that special relationship to the point that they are hurting their partner in secret. This could lead to mistrust and in the end, they may loose the person who loved them truly.

In the end, people will be left with doubts and uncertainties, or worst regretting that they let theirselves love the most despicable person. Love is the most dangerous word created. If a person is not sure of their love to their partners, it may lead to their hearts to waver.

We are people with feelings, that is why, we tend to misunderstand the feelings we have. It could be only infatuation and not truly love that we are feeling. It could be just a simple admiration.

A person must love his/herself fist, before truly loving someone. It hurst so bad to know that the person you thought who loved you is with in love with someone else. The words they say to you, "I Love You" are empty and meaningless. It's just that, they said it out of nothingness...

Love is........

[matilda-ding]

Shadow and light

Life has an everchanging pace

Where you do not know its place

Like winds that whisper in silence

And feint smell of flowers in winter

Sailing towards the waves of abyss

Throgh seas of depression

Struggling in the doldrums of life

I fought so hard...

Through tears, sweat and tears..

I kept on sailing folding the sails as I fought the storm

Amidst all, I found a glimpse of light which shone hope that I might...

That I might sail past through shadow and light...

By: Edgar Brian Cabading

[matilda-ding]

Empty hands

It’s been nearly ten years that I started to walk and face every challenge in life with heads up high. However as years passed, I could not see myself grow into a better person. Instead I grew bitter day by day. I’ve been assessing myself with what is wrong with myself. Is it with the experiences that I took? Is it with the people whom I chose to journey life with? Or is it just plainly ME? 

As of this very moment, I am caught in my own piece of crap which I could remove myself. I suck at relationships. I find myself in the arms of a man who only sees me as someone who can sustain his physical bullshits. I tell you, i’ve been back and forth with such relationship in which I kept telling myself to stay away. However find myself from one heartache and heartbreak to another. 

Gosh! Am I a trouble magnet or a heartbreak magnet? Did I make such mistake that I deserve to be hurt like this over and over? Did I commit such mischievousness that I deserve to experience such chaos within? 

I am a daydreamer who always dreams of happy endings. I am really trying my best to move forward and better myself. But why am I back to square one where I feel so inferior from everybody? I feel so stupid with friends around? I feel so dirty around him? All I ever wanted was to find myself in this vast and chaotic world I live in. All I ever wanted was to find a love that is pure and true, a love that will accept every flaw that I have in this wretch life i created. 

Now, I feel so empty handed. I feel so alone even with people buzzing around. How can I leave this moment full of frustration, pain and bitterness? How can I move forward to a life with genuine happiness? 

[matilda-ding]

Ang labo pala

Ang sarap at ang tamis pakinggan ang mga salitang Mahal kita.

Kapag ito’y nadama na ng puso, saka mo lang mararamdaman ang sakit at pait dahil ang mga salitang ito ay tila walang saysay na parang cotton candy na puro hangin lamang.

Ay oo nga pala! nalito ako. Ang nabanggit ng iyong mga labi ay “Gustong Gusto kita” at hindi “Mahal Kita”.

Magkaiba nga naman talaga ang dalawa. Kapag gusto mo, ito ay dahil meron kang kelangan na panandalian lamang. Kapag Mahal mo, ito ay dahil pipiliin mong makasama siya habang buhay. 

Sa aking katangahan at pagka bulag, pinilit kong angkinin ang di sa akin. Pinaniwala ko aking sarili na ka ngang pag tingin. Ang saklap talagang isipin na hanggang dito lamang tayo. Kasi wala naman talagang ikaw at ako at lalong lalo na na walang TAYO.

[matilda-ding]

Losing my existence

When you tried so hard to put the pieces back, when you tried so hard to find that certain happiness you’ve been looking for, when you tried so hard to find yourself, and when you tried everything yet still nothing happened. That’s frustration piling up and drowning you slowly. 

What did i do wrong along the way? What mistakes did I made during the process? I prayed hard, gave the best I can, and made every effort i could to achieve my dreams. 

I feel so helpless these days. I’m losing my existence in this world where I tried so hard to fit in. In this world where I tried so hard to enjoy and love. Why does it have to be me?

I feel the weight of life’s pressure on my shoulders. I feel the weight of life’s expectations on my lap. I feel the pressure from my father who might have thought as this very moment that I am the black sheep among his children. I’ve tried everything yet still I am left with such frustrations and disappointments. 

Can someone pull me out of this mess? Can someone lend me a hand just for me to breathe away from this tragedy?

I am drowning in pain, in my own frustrations, in my own melting dreams.

I am dying inside slowly seeing the world i so dreamed of, tremble and crash before my own eyes. 

I’m lost in this unknown world, where I could not see where I am going. 

I’m lost in this dreams that I could only consider as dreams.

[matilda-ding]

ha! lukso isla sa cebu.... wai kwenta!!!