mattdemers

[mattdemers]

Why Dota 2?

I wrote something new for my Substack, introducing Dota 2 as part of a project I'm working on called Ranked.

I want to do a few things with it:

Talk to smart people who are comfortable pushing themselves to compete, learn, and grow

Push myself to learn and improve at certain games, but divorce my self-value from whether I win or lose

Explore topics like self-esteem, perseverence, mental health, and performance

I basically want to explore what drives us to get better at things, and how we can do that in a healthy way. I want to be able to play a few different games (chess, Wild Rift, Dota 2) and be able to commit to getting better at them without personal detriment.

I also want to be able to write about that experience in a way that isn't contingent on people knowing how those games work.

If that interests you, give it a read:

[mattdemers]

The X-Files S01E02 - "Deep Throat"

Wanted to do another one of these. You can find a fancy new page with my media threads on my dotcom because I wanted a good way to organize the threads I've done, and will continue to do. These posts will be made to summarize for Tumblr intermittently.

Previous Episode | Next Episode

Original air date: September 17, 1993

Oh hey, we have theme music, now. And Seth Green!

Some good lines, already.

I mentioned before that the Pilot gave us a lot of the series' functions, all at the same time: the conspiracy, the weirdness, the skepticism, the drama.

Now we're introduced to someone who's clearly in on the conspiracy, but there's something more odd: this is a character rather than just a rando suit.

Oh hey, THEMES.

I can imagine the gradual wearing down of trust in the government is going to be one of those things that pops up a lot.

Big laugh for me, no lie.

This show is the most 90s. Desert Storm, baby.

I've seen the memes at people being annoyed at Scully for being a skeptic as a plot function despite the things she's seen and the things that've happened.

I'm starting to understand that. Even after episode 1, Dana???

Might end up using these screencaps outside of this thread, tbh.

Love Scully's look here. Again, CHEMISTRY was there early.

So that's two episodes in a row that we've had our evidence destroyed mid-episode. You gotta start being better about that, my dude.

Fox's brain: "The audacity of this bitch."

I feel like this could be a screencap I include to sum up all my writing/thinking pursuits.

As I said before in the previous episode, I love how unambiguous the show is: yeah, aliens are real here.

I just love this screencap because of how fucking unhinged Scully is.

This is a pretty cool sequence because of how separate Scully/Mulder were in the last half of the episode. As the audience, we get to see both sides.

Scully knows there's something sketchy going on, but besides the lights, saw nothing.

Mulder got to see behind the curtain (and so did we!) but that knowledge is taken away from him. Seeing him glazed over like this is unsettling to the viewer and demonstates the conspiracy's power.

I think that there's a really important theme here: "The good guys aren't going to put away the bad guys at the end of every episode."

Ultimately, our team didn't do anything to solve the mystery of the Air Force pilots. The conspiracy got to the family. The conspiracy can dismiss the kooks in town. Even the "journalist" is in on it.

As an audience, we get an idea of just how big the mountain is to climb, even if it is at all.

Sometimes you just gotta leave.

But alas, there's hope.

Maybe hope isn't the right word.

But it isn't Mulder, alone. Scully ends the episode scared, exasparated, and "Let's just go", but she's present.

That "The Government is not above the law" statement of hers from earlier has been shattered.

Curious to see where this guy goes, because again, the confirmation: it isn't just alien tech and government spooks. Aliens are here. For a reason.

===

I didn't know Tumblr had image count limits on posts. You can follow me on Mastodon to see these threads update in real time.

I also do threads for other things. And I tweet. And write.

[mattdemers]

X-Files First-Time Watchthrough Stuff!

So I've been trying to embrace lower-impact blogging about random stuff, and I figured I'd write about watching The X-Files for the first time. Just gonna be a series of screencaps with some captions/reactions underneath them.

I'm actually just doing them in a more thread-friendly way on my Mastodon, so if you want to see it post-by-post (rather than one big post), go there.

I'm currently also doing threads for a playthrough of FFXIV Endwalker (spoiler tags there), a rewatch of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and (planned) Twin Peaks: The Return first watch.

S01E01 "Pilot" - Aired Date: September 10, 1993

Next Episode

God DANG what a good pilot.

You can see the chemistry between Duchovny and Anderson.

Love how it has all the elements of the show present: paranormal, medical/procedural, the skepticism, the "maybe it's plausible [this] happened instead" and the cover-up.

I know that Skully/Mulder get together eventually (through osmosis, and a little wiki reading, years ago) so I'm not going through this blind. But it's still nice to go "ah, that's why they did", because you can kind of see the tension already in Episode 1.

I liked that they have this kind of stress-induced situation and then go "okay, fine, time to dump some trauma and get on the same page."

I was so impressed they actually went "yeah, aliens are real here" instead of stringing us along forever. Crazy.

This post is gonna be a bit short, but I also found this cool image advertising the release. Also interesting that the famous theme music isn't here yet.

[mattdemers]

ADHD is a trip, and I'm trying to reconcile it getting in the way of my own ambition.

But we keep moving.

hey! i’m kicking off the #ADHDInvasion hashtag for adhd awareness month with a comic about CONSEQUENCES, and how my lifelong failure to react to them has been a huge source of frustration for me and for the ppl in my life who rely on me. even worse, it makes me seem apathetic or careless to others, when in reality it weighs really heavily on me - i just struggle to show it.

the best way i’ve found to deal with this is accepting that shame-based motivation DOES NOT WORK AT ALL for me (which is hard to do, when it’s all that’s been modeled for you by parents/educators/bosses) and try to replace fear/shame based consequences with positive outcomes: i.e. instead of “everyone will be so disappointed in me if i don’t do this,” sometimes it’s more helpful to think “if i do this on time, i’ll feel so relieved, and everyone will be happy that i pulled through.”

check out the roster here and make sure you don’t miss the comics from all the other artists participating!

[mattdemers]

Kimi wa Houkago Insomnia /  Insomniacs After School, chapter 90.

If you like cats and innocent teenage romance, you’re gonna love Ojiro Makoto’s manga.

[mattdemers]

My brain decided to wake me up at 4:30 this morning. I was admittedly kind of worried, because I’ve been on a really good kick of waking up with my alarm, heading right onto the treadmill, and applying to jobs while I’m there (I have a treadmill desk).

A lot of my prior history has involved being very unkind to myself for needing to self-care/adjust, or take breaks “considering the circumstances.”

Even though it was a bit later, I still went, and I still did it. I’m happy that I did, because I’m building little bits of confidence that I can be malleable or resilient.

(This is all shit I know sounds boring, but stating it helps me make it more real).

[mattdemers]

© da-da-sk    

[mattdemers]

Today I spent around 3 hours straight writing a summary of a recent mental health breakthrough I had. What was supposed to be a "short summary" for my therapist before my session turned into... 6500 words.

But I feel like it was necessary, mostly because I'm proud of myself. It deserves to be structured, and to get out of the Discord DMs that inspired it. I'm not going to start a Wiki or anything, but... it's one of those things that in re-writing it, I both internalized more of it, and learned something new, too.

It's been a while since I've put out anything of that volume in one sitting, and it's a little bit of a reminder that "Hey, you didn't lose it. It never left."

[mattdemers]

This is the vibe.

it’s that time of year again

[mattdemers]

“A visual guide to box breathing!”

Pretty cool/simple animation.

[mattdemers]

what i really love is people who love, who are passionate and sincere, who mean it, who are eccentric because that is who they are

I’m right here with you. I think we've set up a very efficient system at punishing the passionate weirdos that truly challenge our thinking, or who're "free" in the sense of not caring about that kind of judgment. The people who are visibly still like that end up being on the fringes, and somewhat inaccessible, because they've kind of been forced there, or never wandered into that "zone of punishment" in the first place.

This is going to sound silly, but it's why I kind of respect Juggalos a lot; they have no delusion of breaking into the mainstream or getting any kind of respect/acceptance, and they just live their grungy community and it feels very authentic. Dangerous and weird and "not for me", but authentic. And that's very okay.

I think the people you're looking for (those sincere people) are still "here" in the sense of being more accessible, normie, or "closer than you think", but probably lack that confidence or sense of safety to really be themselves. Which means you never get that spark to dive deeper into the person, which means you never see the that sincerity.

It kinda sucks.

i should be reading right now, i was reading, i put down the book– i am so burnt out on culture war stuff. i don’t think a lot of people are genuine. i mean, they’re obviously not. i see seeds of sincerity in some people, by “some people,” i mean other commenters… but it feels so late, so inadequate, somehow, fumbling in the dark for an identity. the most sincere people i’ve met as a writer have been people at the total fringes, fully invested in the most bizarre ways of thinking; i respect them quite a bit. they’ve become dear friends of mine. it’s like when i was so into puppets, i do love puppets, but what i really love is people who love, who are passionate and sincere, who mean it, who are eccentric because that is who they are 

[mattdemers]

My safari through current social media alternatives

So I figured that after a week of Twitter doomposting by other people, I'd weigh in with my thoughts on the vibes/applications of social media sites that people have migrated to. This isn't meant to be a scientific tier list, just thoughts.

Tumblr

I haven't been here in years. Things are largely the same, but there's been some UI improvements, and I've liked things like the new posting UI (still needs some work. Would prefer Markdown, but I get how zoomers aren't going to put up with that).

Aesthetically, it feels like the transition from being 18 to 22. Like, the company voice is a bit more older/sassier/"leaning into what people told it that its strengths were" and I don't know if that's good or bad. I feel that it's a bit limiting but I think Tumblr needs all the help it can get.

I've also noticed a lot more gamification, encouragement, "things that you are doing correctly that we are going to enforce" from Tumblr itself, which is probably positive.

Probably will be fine in the short term.

Cohost (Link to me)

"Tumblr, with a shit colour scheme."

I'm having trouble with Cohost mostly because I've done the least amount of exploration for new people to follow or hashtag discovery. I really like the post editor (it's Markdown, see above) but I can understand how that's going to hurt it.

It reminds me of a university/college internal website for students, aesthetically. I don't want to say "who is this for?" but there's a larger deficit when it comes to its identity as a site. Tumblr is clear what it wants to be, and who it wants to house, and Cohost was sold to me "for creators" but I have less idea how/why/beyond that.

Clicking into a tag for "league of legends" (which I guess might be a good comparison across platforms) the last post in that tag was 3 days ago.

Yeah, I'm kinda thinking Cohost is gonna be dead, or a zombie like Vero Social in a year.

Mstndn.social (Link to me)

It's hard to talk about Mastodon due to the nature of federation, so I can only zoom out and talk about "the normie experience" that I'm seeing.

I think people are using Masto as a bit of a panacea; they see a familiar Twitter-ish interface, but are lost with the tech-speak of federation and what it might mean. I've seen ambitious people start their own instances and think it's "building a new Twitter" in terms of scale expectations, but it's not. You're essentially building your own pillow fort.

The thing is, I think some people might be... hoping otherwise? Like, the stuff that's interesting me most about Masto is the Lord of the Flies scenarios happening in certain circles, where they're finding out:

How much work actually goes into moderation, and how unsexy it is

What happens when people you don't know/can't vet are joining your instance

What happens when people have a visible person they can point their grievances to

To be honest I'm not optimistic about Mastodon but I think it serves a purpose in educating people about what was convenient about Twitter. They'll go crawling back, and maybe a few people will embrace the "local" group they've now joined.

Some normies literally have never had the experience of joining a small forum and learning to love that community; this isn't that. It's more like Reddit, where one account enables you to post everywhere, but you might find a "home" subreddit.

I've been using Pinafore as a better UI for Masto and I've been enjoying it.

Other thoughts

I joined The Hive about two seconds ago, but I'm moreso just reserving a username in case it blows up. A two-person team and being on the market for multiple years before this kind of makes me wary, mostly because I think they're hungry to accept any kind of winning milestone, and that means they're going to listen to anyone if it makes them think they can keep the momentum.

Tech users largely don't know what they want, and it's going to waste the resources of a dev team in order to try to get everyone satisfied. If they're doing crowdfunding, I'm kinda also pessimistic, because man that's setting up for some "I paid for X!" complaints.

What's funny/cool is I've gotten "mattd" on all these platforms, not "mattdemers." Kinda nice to shift a little bit because I'm very insecure about saying my last name verbally and having people be able to find me. Oh well.

It's the URL of my new Substack too, where I'll be posting more things like this, if you want more. It isn't launched yet, and is under construction, but it's there if you want to move early.

[mattdemers]

Andrew Huberman does good work on discussing happiness, focus, self-improvement and that kind of "wow you're depressed and looking to make practical changes" group of topics.

I watched his video about ADHD the other day, and have been kind of absorbing some of his other stuff. This video about practical approaches to increasing your happiness was a good watch.

I find that the "just be grateful more" approach doesn't quite work with me, mostly because I feel that it doesn't address my thought process; it feels like "okay, now I'm reflecting on what I'm grateful for, and also feeling guilty that apparently it's not making me feel less sad/frustrated/anxious."

Andrew addresses that specific feeling of frustration while "synthesizing happiness" in a section here, and I think it might be a very common response to other advice about "just be happy, lol."

It's funny, because I kind of wrote off his videos because of his physical appearance; he looks like every bro science dude that's trying to sell me a course. But he's apparently very legit.

[mattdemers]

Something I wrote got reblogged here due to tags, and I got a smattering of notes for it.

Forgot how strong the dopamine factor is for all of this. But a nice reminder I can… do something.

[mattdemers]

I had a really emotionally-revealing day today, talking to @barbaragenova.

A lot of my mental health issues come from the processing of shame, or the processing of guilt. However, there's always been this like "No, that's not it" feeling associated with my understanding of the issue. It didn't feel quite authentic. In some ways, it felt like I was tossing out my feelings, but I also associated that with shame, mostly because some advice is based in "You aren't going to get the resolution you're looking for. You need to move on."

So I was (or am) stuck. How do you validate and be kind to that person in the past without getting mired in over-validating it or ruminating it? How do you push yourself to change without it feeling like "real" progress?

Those questions got unlocked today, and it's the type of thing that I can go back and write a long note to organize it better.

Love shit like this, because it's at least the way forward makingsense, instead of "trust the process, you'll forget about why it mattered to you once you're happy."

[mattdemers]

"That was the start of a journey that changed my life. Three years later, I was a star. I was making millions. I was walking out through the curtain at WrestleMania. 

Hahahahahah. *Raspberry fart*

Are you kidding me? Three years later, I was dead broke, overweight, depressed, and wrestling in front of eight people in a bingo hall. I remember there was this place we always used to do shows in Palo Alto, Pennsylvania. Me and a buddy used to drive out there, wrestle, hopefully get paid, and then drive back. You’d spend your whole check on gas and a meal afterward. So we get up there to do the show, and we’re backstage getting ready, and we could all tell it was kind of quiet. Lace up the boots, go through the curtain, look out into the crowd….

Eight people.

Three on one side of the ring. Four on the other. One weird dude sitting alone.

My first thought was, Welp, we’re not getting paid tonight. Let’s make the best of this."

---

This week, Eddie Kingston gets to wrestle one of his idols, and is going to try to beat the tar out of him. And he's going to do it after a career's worth of struggle, and overcoming what people have told him he couldn't do.

I love this article because there's a lot of discussion around Eddie's depression, and I can really appreciate him being frank about breaking the stigma around it. It takes a lot of guts, especially when it's contrary to the persona of "tough guy, tough childhood, tough present day."

Eddie's legit.

One day, I'd love to tell people "I have no fucking business being here."

[mattdemers]

Bats are cool, and I like when people make animals seem a bit more cartoony/approachable.

A comic (?) about my love of weird little bats for this halloween