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probably the funniest way my autism ever manifested was when I matched with this gorgeous goth lady on tinder who was way out of my league and my opening line was telling her that I loved her style and that she looked like a goblin and she said “I think it’s more of an elf look” and I said “no I think definitely it’s a goblin look”. After about an hour of no response, it occurred to me that A) it was rather rude to contradict her, and perhaps more importantly, B), most people would not react as positively as I might if compared to a goblin by a stranger. A full 24 hours later I was struck by a rare boldness and messaged her “but like a hot kinda goblin tho” and she STARTED TALKING TO ME AGAIN. how the fuck did that succeed as a de-fumble omfg

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you can literally smoke weed and watch Home Alone a few days after Christmas. they’ll want to stop you but they can’t - nobody can.

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When I was a little dude, just a few years old, I apparently loved to turn random devices on and off whenever I could. Just wandering around fucking with any buttons and switches I could find. One time we were on vacation, and my parents don’t watch television but there was a tv in our hotel room. Naturally I, as a tiny gremlin is wont to do, found a way to turn it on despite being very small and likely having poor fine motor control. Anyway it was on 9/11 and right as I turned the tv on there was footage of the towers falling and that’s how my parents found out.

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I never rly cared about mimes despite my love for clowns but a few weeks ago I saw an extremely cute mime girl and now I live in fear that I could be seduced by a mime. what happens if I fuck one and I can’t go back to non-mimes. what if I get stuck as a mime fucker forever. I couldn’t live like that.

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the results of this poll are upsetting to me like. please put some respect on the geto boys. come on. who is voting for horns over mind playing tricks. who are u I just want to talk I promise.

EUROVISION ROUND THREE- HORRORCORE

The songs:

"Body and Blood," by clipping.

"Horns," by Tech N9ne and Prozak and King Gordy

"Mind Playing Tricks on Me," by Geto Boys

"Yonkers," by Tyler the Creator

"Mega City Nine," by Ho99o9

"I Need Drugs," by Necro

"I Worship Devil Shyt," by Evil Pimp

"Tilt-A-Whirl," by Insane Clown Posse

"Mindstate," by Three 6 Mafia

"Diary of A Madman," by Gravediggaz

You have until Friday night to get REAL creepy with it!

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hold on. Was suck him good and hard through his jorts supposed to conjour the image of someone who has an unzipped fly because this entire time I've been imagining someone slurping on wet denim

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it’s actually soooooo fucked up that I’m physically incapable of being little spoon because of my weird back sensitivity issues. I was born to hold but not to be held.

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so I'm sick and there are people staying over at my house so I'm trying to avoid being in the common spaces much, and I don't have much food in the house anyway so I decided to make the fateful "3:30AM McDonalds run" as nothing else is open and the good old Micky D's drive through is right down the street. Because I've been sitting in my room doing nothing today I hadn't bothered putting on socks yet, and I'm a go with the flow kinda guy, so I figured - "why not break the cycle? I can just wear my slippers in the car, no one on this earth has the power nor inclination to stop me". So I make the shameful 3 minute drive to Mister Donalds - it's dark and there are no cars, which is a worrisome sign. I live in a college area and the McDonalds usually has a line at all hours of the day, every day. I pull up to the microphone and a voice does ring out...to tell me that they're only accepting cash tonight. This is a solvable issue, I decide. I pull out and go back around to the parking lot, and get out of my car in my beat up slippers to walk across the street to the bank with an ATM at it, feeling like The Dude - what kind of miscreant wanders the streets in the middle of the night in slippers? Before I even got to the BECU, I wondered if all this was really worth it - should I really be buying fast food in my weakened and currently unemployed condition? Of course I should, I'm sick and I'm hungry, dammit, this world owes me my fucking McNuggets. But the universe had other plans. The BECU lobby is locked at night and requires one of their cards to access it - I myself am regrettably a KeyBank man. This is still not fucked though, I muse to myself. I google nearby KeyBanks and find one nearby, so I shamble back across the street, get in my car, and drive to the nearest one, somehow missing the only turn I needed to take and minorly overshooting before making it to my destination. I parked in a UPS spot that warned I may be towed, but I am at this point beyond doubt now, beyond the ability to by stopped by man nor beast nor even the highest authority. God itself could stand in the way of my parking spot and I would simply run it over. Nothing could deter me from my nuggets. I accessed the ATM, I got my dollars, I did my little dance and fingerguns at the machine which I like to imagine was viewed by a bored security guard with some amusement, and wandered back across the street to my vehicle. I could feel the excitement building…all the setbacks across my perilous journey had merely strengthened my lust for nuggets. I drove back to the home of Grimace, determined to get my hands on that deep fried, overpriced goodness. The excitement was building...I had been to several locations, walked, driven, defied the parking laws, and was back at the site of the first setback. I was *here*. After waiting for the car in front of me to clear away, I pull up once again to the microphone. I felt changed by my journey, like something had metamorphosed within me and this step was bringing me full circle. I inquired as to whether it was possible to get the McNugget meal with a milkshake instead of the soda, to which the voice on the other end informed me that they were out of ice cream. Fuck...all this for no milkshake. I was pained. But did Sam and Frodo bail when Mordor was difficult? No, and they were like four feet tall. If they didn't, I couldn't either. I ask for the regular McNugget meal. They then informed me that they only had breakfast. Dear reader: I fucking hate McDonalds breakfast. I had made this long journey, only to be foiled at the last moment by something the employee could have informed me the first time. This was the moment when I truly felt the anguish of despair, the futility of rage, and the cold hatred for this joke which we call existence. This has been my supervillain origin story. I will not forgive the world, and it will not be able to forgive me. My fury cannot be contained by all the gods of every belief system and could power a thousand Dyson spheres.