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Experience the Bewitching Beauty of Scotland

Of all the countries I’ve had the privilege to visit (not a lot though), Scotland holds a special place as the most beautiful and enchanting in my eyes. Scotland is a country that is part of the United Kingdom, along with England, Wales, and Northern Ireland. If you are a Filipino, you can go to Scotland and any of these countries with your UK visa. My eyes saw so much beauty in Scotland—from…

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Tourist Spots in London

Because of its popularity, London is one of the cities travelers/tourists dream of visiting. There are plenty of charming tourist spots in London and it has gained popularity for several reasons. London is where the Royal Family lives and where the magnificent prehistoric buildings are with their vintage construction. It is rich in history, has lovely gardens, a variety of museums, and a home…

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Harrogate - An Idyllic Town in North Yorkshire, England

More than a three-hour train ride from London lies the beautiful and serene Harrogate, an idyllic town in North Yorkshire, England. Distinguished by its brick houses, magnificent castles, paradisal parks, ambient restaurants, picturesque streets, and the warmth of smiling faces, Harrogate emerges as an idyllic and serene haven. My sister and her family moved to Harrogate from Walton-on-Thames…

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BTS, REALIZATIONS AND SOME POEMS

When I was in college, I used to listen to rock and alternative songs. My national anthem included songs from Taking Back Sunday, Our Lady Peace, Train, Puddle of Mudd, Box Car Racer, Blink 182, Vertical Horizon, Dave Matthews Band, New Found Glory, and the long list goes on along with other rock bands. 

Even after College, I was into alternative and rock music. Listening to other genres was not an option for me although when I grew older, I became open. But still, my love for alternative rock remains.

I can’t remember hearing about BTS until late last year (or if I heard them before they didn’t register to my simple mind). I was browsing videos on YouTube and saw James Corden’s Carpool with BTS. I watched it and I think that was the first time I saw them and bam!!! I am now an Army!

I watched some of the episodes of Run BTS, their world tour movies and series, Bon Voyage, and other videos and even before I drift to sleep at night, the lights, fireworks, and the splendid of the nights during their concerts flash in my head like I’m watching it all over again.

Yesterday morning, when I was about to pray, the thought of it came to me again – the magnificent fireworks, the thousand bright lights, the joyful screaming people, the dazzling and stunning BTS when they hit the stage, and all that.

 Then suddenly another scene flashed in my head. It was the exact opposite of BTS’ nights during the concert. It was the night of the coming of Jesus Christ on earth – no lights, no fireworks, no screaming people on a silent night.

Though He created the whole world and He is the source of all the riches of it, He came as a fragile baby in a manger. In a manger! Since He is a King, He could have come as the glorious King with a heavenly jeweled crown. But no. He chose to come as a delicate baby. 

The thought of it made me laugh and cry at the same time and if I can remember it correctly, that was the first time I did that. The contrast was so evident, so clear that I couldn’t help but cry knowing that Jesus is The King but He chose to come like that.

I laughed because I was so amazed by the bright lights and these beautiful humans onstage that I forgot Jesus is more glorious. He is even incomparable. I did both because that revelation made me ashamed of myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love BTS. (I love them all but Jimin is my bias while Suga is my bias wrecker and I also like Jungkook.) But if I love them more than I love God, then that’s a shame. If I spend more time watching their videos than I spend time with God, that’s a shame.

SHORT POEMS

Going with the flow going nowhere

She’s stuck and she doesn’t know where she is

Is it still valid to run aimlessly on crazy days like this?

Because she’s been running in circles

And she lost herself somewhere

Regrets are piling up at the end of every day

The past tied her up while the present is tied up

Is it still okay not to be okay?

Because finding herself is so much harder than losing it.

- January 17, 2021

I am someone lost walking under the stars

And it’s not that I’m sentimental about it

Or maybe I am not aware

I am not sure

But wandering like this as people pass by

I wonder

Do they know I’m lost with a blank face?

But as I look at them

Their faces are also blank

Maybe all of us are lost

Maybe all of us are looking for something we don’t know

Maybe we all pretend that everything’s okay

Maybe we all struggle to make things work

And that’s okay

Maybe we are all lost, but we’ll get there

Running, walking, crawling but we’ll get there

Days, months, and years but we’ll get there

We’ll definitely get there.

- January 31, 2021

In the midst of the unknown and perplexity

Seven stars appear on her dark night

Distant stars with such bright lights

But they don’t know how dazzling they are

They have no idea how they’re lighting up their sky

They are shining from afar

And she wonders how these stars can someday

Collide to the world where she is

She has all these thoughts

Forgetting she is also a star

Already shining to other’s skies

All she sees is the black hole that surrounds her

And with seven stars appearing to her

The Milky Way hopes they’ll all see

They are all-stars

Shining. Burning. They are their own star.

- February 4, 2021

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KIM SEON HO REALIZATIONS AND A SHORT POEM

It’s crazy and funny how you’re just watching something on television then one of the characters makes a great impression on you and without warning and intention, you already like that person not knowing who he really is.

I posted before that I was watching a Korean drama called Start-Up and how I was so affected by a particular episode. (The whole drama though not just that one episode is beautifully written.)

I can say that most Kdramas are really engaging, and have very strong story writing, excellent plots, and great acting. But of all the Kdramas that I’ve seen, this is the first time I got so invested emotionally. The scriptwriter did a great job of getting into my emotions, playing with them, and devastating them.

The second lead’s character is so strong (plus oh, so good-looking) that I can’t help but check him on the Internet and I realized I wasn’t the only victim. Everyone is going crazy over him! When I first checked his Instagram which was around October, he’s got 1.2M followers.

As of today, just a few weeks later, he has 3.1M followers! I started watching Two Days and One Night just to see him and as if it isn’t enough, I also check him on YouTube, Facebook, Google, and Instagram all the time which makes me go crazier over him.

I remember chatting with my friends on Messenger asking them to pray for me and Kim Seon Ho to be together. I know it’s stupid and silly but I did it anyway for fun and also, jokes are half meant (as in my mind I was hoping, maybe. But then again stupid and impossible.)

So I am head over feet in love with this guy who doesn’t even know I exist. Then suddenly I realized, how can I like this guy who I haven’t seen yet and who doesn’t even know me? And then there’s Jesus who knows everything about me - flaws, weaknesses, stupidity and all, and yet loves me still unconditionally. The thought of it made me cry and came up with this short poem:

I know your name

Even your birthday and the things that you like

I know your mannerisms

I am familiar with your voice

Your smile brings warmth to my heart

There are days when all I can think of is you

I wonder how you’re doing

I wonder where you are

I keep reading and watching things about you

And my love for you grows stronger.

But you are completely unaware

You are fully oblivious to my existence

You have no idea how engrossed I am to you

And then there’s this Someone who knows me too well

He knows when I sit and when I lie down

He knows all my fears, sorrows, and joys

How can I replace Him with you?

How can I do this to Him?

So now I am going back to Him

To the One who loves my soul

To the One who has given me everything

To the One who knows me from the inside out

To the One who is the most beautiful

To the One who is perfect in every way

To the One who thinks of me every single day

To the One who listens intently every time I pray

To the One who pursues me when I go astray

To the One who loves me even when I fail

To the One who is the author of life and love

To the One who died for me so I can be with Him ‘til eternity.

(I disabled Facebook and Instagram for a week now to avoid checking on him all the time. I still have to watch the last episode of Start-Up though plus I cannot give up on 2 Days and 1 Night as it really makes me laugh.)

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SHORT POEMS

Today is the same as yesterday

Played a happy song and danced the sorrow away

But the moment it ended

I’m back to feeling stuck

I can’t seem to move forward

The sun went down again

But just as where it always sets

Is the same spot where I always end

I should be resting but I am restless

My mind is in constant chaos

The worries of this world follows me even in sleep

Eyes closed or open

Both haunted by shattered dreams.

But I am still hopeful for a different tomorrow

Will continue to play happy songs

Until they translate to my soul

Little by little I will take steps of faith

All these cares I am casting to You

I may not see any of my plans coming

But I know You got me

You are holding me and will not let me go

So I, too, won’t let go.

-November 24, 2020

Bright lights blinding my eyes

As different voices disturb my soul

I am restless, I am troubled

But tonight I want to enter Your rest

The kind of rest where I sit at Your feet

And all I can hear is Your voice

While everything around is in chaos

The kind of rest where I just gaze at Your beauty

As everything else becomes darkness

In the radiance of Your presence.

-November 24, 2020

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START-UP (Kdrama TV Series)

After watching Episode 9 of Start-Up, I was so devastated. I was in so much pain. I never thought I’d be this affected just watching a TV series. The second lead syndrome is so real in my life that I even came up with a short poem regarding Han Ji Pyeong’s feelings for Seo Dalmi. How insane is that?! But here it goes.

Loving you silently from afar

As he loves you clearly before my eyes

Hiding these feelings by being indifferent

Hoping you will not notice

Hoping to hide it until the end

But the more I hide it, the stronger it gets

The more I deny it, the more my heart races

The more I try to run away from you, the closer I am pulled to you

“I keep thinking about you

I want you and it feels so unfair”

If I tell you the truth

Will you see me the way I see you?

Or will you drift away?

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I don't want to admit it but I am a little obsessed with Kdrama and Kpop lately so let’s not get started with Kim Seon Ho, Nam Joo Hyuk, Park Hyun Sik, Ji Chang Wook, Jung Hae In, Park Bo Gum and Lee Min Ho which by the way is in chronological order based on my level of infatuation as of today (because it changes every now and then depending on what I am currently watching).

I don’t even want to talk about BTS (whose Dynamite helps me get through tough times), Blackpink, Red Velvet (whose Future got me dancing in the middle of a typhoon), Eric Nam, etc.

So anyway, we went to Seoul three years ago, where the old and the new fuse harmoniously. Some of the video clips were deleted already and since I have the luxury of time, am now compiling what was left – something to look back to when I am old and grey.

I miss traveling. When this is all over, I think I will be ecstatic just to even go to Divisoria and BGC.

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SHORT POEMS

Settling in the comfort of his shell where its safe

Stuck in the mundane, buried in the ordinary

While everybody else is fighting battles in the wilderness

Too scared to take a step, too scared to even try

He has wings that can take him higher

But fear crippled him

Fear stopped him from believing

Fear paralyzed him from soaring

He doesn’t know the power in him

A lifeless man walking.

- June 13, 2020

The night keeps me awake again

As all these thoughts of fear and uncertainty

Cloud all the truths I know

Tell me I’m not alone

Tell me I’m not the only one

Sometimes a smile cant hide it all

Silence has become my companion

But somehow I don’t feel lonely

When will things get better?

Will it still get better?

I want to find peace from this restlessness

Stillness from striving on my own

I want to close my eyes and open them

With a brand new perception.

- June 27, 2020

How can I say I have independence

When I cant do what I really want to do?

When I am bound to what others think of me?

When I am afraid to chase my dreams?

Or maybe independence is overrated

Maybe independence has a different definition

Maybe its losing all my control

Maybe its giving up and letting go

Maybe, just maybe

Independence is being bound to You.

- July 7, 2020

  Endings always lead to new beginnings

Just like the sun that sets

It will rise again

Just like an old year ends

A new year comes

Just like a seed that dies

It grows into a plant

Just like a caterpillar

That becomes a beautiful butterfly

Just like after death

A new life springs.

- July 19, 2020

I opened my eyes to a world different

From when they were closed

When did reality become worse than my dreams?

If I can only hide under the sheets

If I can only run away from this darkness

But there is no escaping this

Instead, I’m holding on to You

And not letting go

In the midst of uncertainty

I will hope for better days

In the middle of fear

I will take a leap of faith

And tomorrow when I wake up

And evil still reigns

My trust in You will remain.

- August 9, 2020

The whole world changed in the blink of an eye

No social status, achievement and color saved anybody

What seemed to be places that don’t sleep

Suddenly are covered with blankets of uncertainty

When not having enough time was the problem

Each is now given the luxury of it

The rest many were deprived of

Became something that is tiring

And just when we thought we were infinite and unstoppable

That’s when the Maker reminded us

That we are nothing but

DUST.

-September 10, 2020

Joining the trees and the wind as they dance

Somehow the storm quiets my soul

Somehow the rain brings a beautiful melody

Somehow the grey sky takes me to an unfamiliar but safe place

Somehow I am not missing the bright warm sun

The cold covers me like a blanket

And there is not a single star in sight

But I am perfectly fine

I’m dancing with the trees and the wind…

-November 1, 2020 during a typhoon

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Part II of Quarantine.

Plus a poem that I wrote last April 27, 2020.

Another sunshine, another sunset

Another wrinkle, another pain

And I am still stuck in yesterday

That day when things are better

When your smile is so much brighter

When your scent around me lingers

But you left me and didn’t bring me to tomorrow

You’re there and I’m still here

You’re in dawn and I am in dusk

Will you come back and meet me today?

Or time has already ripped us worlds apart?

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Since I have plenty of time, I decided to compile video clips of some of the things I do during ECQ.

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RUN IN FIELDS OF TIME WHERE THERE'S NO REASON TO HIDE

I used to envy people, who, after finding their passion, stopped from what they were doing to do what they really wanted to do with their lives. They're so brave! There’s this show on Netflix where a woman was working as a bank manager but resigned so she could pursue her dream of becoming a traveler.

I felt like I was one of those people who were going through the motions of life. It’s one thing not to like what you are doing and it’s another not to know what you really want to do with your life.

I thought I needed to know my passion and after knowing what it is, pursue it and work on it. I had this idea that when I found it, I would resign from my job, immerse myself in it, and live my dream life. It would be okay to sleep for five hours because I really love what I am doing. But it is not what it’s supposed to be (though it works for some people.)

I was desperate to know what my passion was, that thing that I really wanted to do with my life. When I was in London, I was talking with my friend, Andrei, about that topic and we even listened to Steve Jobs’ podcast.

Out of desperation (and insanity perhaps), I turned to Google and searched “how to find my passion”. There were several sites giving pointers on how to find it and it was crazy. It wasn’t what I was looking for. Until I stumbled on Mark Manson’s post called Screw Finding Your Passion which made sense to me that night.

He said that not knowing is the idea of it but still doing something anyway. He said that every job sucks sometimes. There’s no such thing as some passionate activity that you will never get tired of, never get stressed over and never complain about. It doesn’t exist.

He added that if you have to look for what you’re passionate about, then you’re probably not passionate about it at all. That was an obvious point! How come I never thought of it?

Here's a part of what he wrote:

I call ********! You already found your passion, you’re just ignoring it. Seriously, you’re awake 16 hours a day, what the **** do you do with your time? You’re doing something, obviously. You’re talking about something.

There’s some topic activity or idea that dominates a significant amount of your free time, your conversations, and your web browsing, and it dominates them without you consciously pursuing it or looking for it.

It’s right there in front of you, you’re just avoiding it. For whatever reason, you’re avoiding it.

You’re telling yourself, “Oh well, yeah, I love comic books but that doesn’t count. You can’t make money with comic books.” **** you, have you even tried? 

The problem is not a lack of passion for something. The problem is PRODUCTIVITY. The problem is PERCEPTION.

The problem is ACCEPTANCE.

The problem is the, “Oh, well that’s just not a realistic option,” or “Mom and Dad would kill me if I tried to do that, they say I should be a doctor”, or “That’s crazy, you can’t buy a BMW with the money you make doing that.”

The problem isn’t passion. It’s never passion.

It’s PRIORITIES.

Despite Mark’s cursing, I picked up some good points from what he wrote. Finding or knowing your purpose doesn’t mean you have to spend all of your time doing it like what I used to crazily think.

I know we are not to believe and follow everything we see on the Internet. We were given the wisdom to filter what we should get, and I think some marks on this article helped me somehow.

After reading that post, I wrote down things that I’m already doing happily and that includes writing, baking, traveling, working out, and sharing the Gospel. All these things I can do while still doing my everyday career. And how awesome it is to have one of your passions in your job description.

I was reminded that the very reason why I decided to work in CCT was because of the opportunity to share the Gospel. I’ve never felt so light in a long time after that realization! It has given me a new spring at work.

Another realization: It’s never too late to know what you really want to do and do it in reality. Like a kid who is curious and excited about everything, just do it. (Provided that you know what’s wrong and right.)

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DEEP IN YOUR EYES THE RIVER RUNS

Even now that I’m back from the United Kingdom, I still couldn’t wrap my head around the thought that I was there a month ago. Who would have thought?! I never even imagined that I’d be there. But when you have a God so big and so powerful, then its true, nothing is impossible.

UK wasn’t in the list of countries I wanted to visit because I knew how hard it is to get a visa and how expensive it can get to travel there. But my sister and her husband moved there last year for work and considering how close I am to my sister, I just I had to visit her.

To cut the story short, my vacation leave and visa were both approved and I was reminded that when I was in High School, it was my dream to go to London. I know it was God who brought my sister there because He has a plan for her, but I would love to selfishly think that she is in the UK so it would be easy for me to go there.

So off I went to England on the 12th of October 2019 with Singapore Airline as my carrier. Ohhh, I love that airline! I didn’t get to take photos of the food because I devour them the moment they land at my tray table, but they were all so good.

I won’t go on detail on everything as it would be tedious but here’s a few observations that I made during my one month stay there.

1.      Weather is freaking cold! Even if the sun is out, the cold crawls from your skin down to your bones.

2.      Trees are like fire! I am glad to come there during autumn and see different colors of yellow, orange, yellow orange, maple, yellow green, etc.

3.      The driver’s seat is on the left side. So when you cross the street, you better look on your left instead of your right.

4.      Just like other first-world countries that I’ve been to, transportation is very convenient. Buses stop only on designated bus stops and they have schedules. There are trains from London to the provinces to it is always so easy to go to the capital. In London, The Underground or “the Tube” is very convenient to travel to around the capital. They are very fast and comes almost every minute. Also, Google Maps is the key.

5.      When you go out with a baby, a carrier or a stroller is needed. You can’t just carry your baby around.

6.      British people are actually nice and approachable. When walking down the street, someone will just smile and say, “have a nice day!”

7.      There are no mosquitoes, flies, cockroaches or rats. If they see one, it is considered as red alert.

8.      There are more Mercedes Benz, BMW, Mini Cooper and other expensive cars than Ford, Honda or Toyota.

9.      Parks are used efficiently. Parents always bring their children to parks to play.

10.   Houses look identical in color and in structure. I think 95% of houses have chimneys. Reminded me of Princess Sarah and Ang Munting Pangarap ni Romeo.

11.   Its normal to see people performing everywhere especially in underpass or other public places.

12.   I’m surprised to see a few street dwellers. My friend said that the government has housing projects for them but they still choose to live in the streets.

13.   Most of the citizens don’t use cash anymore in paying stuff and transportation. They always use card.

14.   It is legal to park on the sides of the street.

15.   Barangay is not really a barangay because it has everything – grocery stores, parks, schools, clinics, church and other different establishments. You can actually just stay in your barangay and still have everything.

16.   There are no wet markets.

My eyes saw too much beauty in Scotland – from old structured architecture and castles in Edinburgh to its breathtaking landscapes and dramatic scenery (and castles again) outside the city. I can say that Scotland is my favorite of all the places I’ve been to.

Haggis 

Had a six-hour lay-over in Singapore and met with a friend who took me to see the Jewel.

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MAY 2019 FREE VERSE POEMS

May 7, 2019

I guess I have to go home now

It’s been a long and crazy day

And I wander to search for something that will fill and satisfy

It is also unknown to me but I left anyway

And at the end of the day, nothing’s changed

I’m losing every step and I go farther darker instead

So I’m going home now

Take my hand, lead the way

I’m still lost and confused

But I am safe and at peace with You by my side

It’s a long journey back home

But just take my hand and don’t let go

I’m going home.

May 7, 2019

I wonder how it would be like to hold your hand

It might take away all the anxiety and doubt

In a sea of faces, they will all fade and silent

It will take me to a beautiful place I’ve never been

Will put a smile on my face that will remain

Will make me soar and bring me higher

But first, look my way cos you are oblivious of my existence.

May 7, 2019

My mind will not rest tonight

My eyes will remain wide open

I will ignore the bed that brings me to different worlds and dimensions

I will forsake the bed that brings me close to you

I will silently sit in the furthest corner

In the past, I escaped from you

But now I will stay awake and face the truth

That you and I are not destined to be together.

May 7, 2019

Alone looking at the brightest star

I don’t know who you are and where you are

But I am here uttering prayers for you

Waiting for the day when the Hand will bring me to you

Two worlds will be one

Hearts will beat as one

And together we will look at the brightest star.

May 26, 2019

So many voices that I allow myself to hear

Attacking me, insulting me, defeating me

They planted fears and lies

They tried to shape me to someone I am not

They’re deafening, resounding and won’t stop

But I still opened the door for them

And allow them to sit on my couch.

 I was helpless, miserable, and bitter

I didn’t know what to do, where to run to

Trying hard on my own didn’t do

Until You came.

 You came because You knew I cannot do it on my own

You came to my rescue and saved me

You silenced all the lies, all the fears

Your presence, Your light drove all the voices

And Your voice remained:

“I love you. I know you from the inside out

And I love you still. Nothing you can do to stop me

From loving you. Nothing.

You may go to the east, I will go with you.

You may go to the farthest dark corner, I will go with you

You cannot escape me. You cannot escape my love.

Rest in me, my child. Hush, my child.

Be still my child.”

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I've Become One with the Ones That I've Never Believed In

FICTION

ANY SIMILARITY TO REAL LIFE IS JUST AN ACCIDENT. BUT IT MIGHT BE YOUR STORY. OR MIGHT BE MINE.

 "Where are you heading to?"

The man next to me asked. I didn’t realize I was sitting next to a foreign man or even to someone in general as I was busy messaging my family telling them that I swiftly passed through the immigration and that I was fine. I looked at him interrupted.

He looks like an American in his mid-50s, wearing nicely fitted clothing, with supple fabric and low sheen. By the way, he looks, I can tell that he is well-off and with a ring on his left ring finger, definitely, he is a married guy. He is wearing confidence and certainty in his appearance which is a bit intimidating. I wonder what he is doing in this area when he is supposed to be waiting in a nice lounge.

"To Reykjavik", I hardly pronounced as I continued to look at my phone, this time pretending that I was busy doing an important thing, anxious that he would ask me why. I was trying to figure out how and when it all started. I used to be very shy when I was young.

But in my 20s, I’ve learned to somehow open up and love being with people. But now that I’m in my 30s, I realize I am not shy anymore but talking with people is no longer something that excites me. I wanted to be alone. Alone is fun.

I don’t know what to tell the stranger if he asks me why I’m going to Reykjavik alone. As cliché as it may seem, I wanted to go there to find my lost self. To find my true purpose on why I am on earth. To find meaning in what I do.

I was watching a show on Netflix where a guy left the work that he’s been doing for more than nine years to do what he really wanted to do. He risked everything just so he could do that one thing he really wanted.

Now, here I am. Trying to find my purpose, trying to find something that I really want to do. Because as crazy as it may seem, I don’t like what I am doing and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s pathetic. I envy those people who do what they love to do.

"Will you go there alone? Why will you go there?"

He fired the horrifying questions. I tried to give him the nicest smile that I could give and answered, "Oh yes! It’s just me, myself and I. I’ve heard it’s a beautiful place so I wanted to see myself."

I didn’t lie. I really wanted to see the place. I just didn’t tell the whole story. Why would I? It’s none of his business.

"How about you?"

I asked to stop him from asking me another question but a mistake on my part as he might have felt comfortable asking me more questions.

"I travel for business. He answered. I attended a meeting for our Manila headquarters and now I am flying to Reykjavik to attend to some concerns in our office there."

Shoot! He is going to fly in the same plane as I would! I can only hope that he will not be sitting next to me. As soon as I realized that, the boarding gate opened and we were called to board the plane. It’s 10 in the evening and I am planning to have a good night’s sleep on the plane.

"See ya! It was nice meeting you!" I told him as I hurriedly picked up my carry-on luggage to queue.

"Nice meeting you!" He responded.

There are a few passengers in the flight which gives me comfort. Less people, more fun. I was already sitting comfortably in the window seat looking at the lights outside when someone said excuse me. It was the stewardess.

"Ma’am, I am happy to tell you that you’ve been upgraded to business class. You can follow me now and I will lead you to your seat."

"Oh wow! Awesome!" That’s all I could tell her.

I followed her and she stopped where the foreign stranger was. What are the odds that I will be sitting next to him right now?!

"Hi." He said.

“Oh, hi!" I responded then headed straight to my seat.

As soon as the plane takes off, I put on my headphones and sing along in my head with Jon Foreman’s The Cure for Pain:

"I’m not sure why it always goes downhill

Why broken cisterns never could stay filled

I’ve spent ten years singing Gravity away

But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out

With every hope and dream, I’ve ever had in doubt

I’ve spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away

But the water keeps on falling from my eyes.."

I don’t know how many songs or movies I could finish on this 18-hour flight, but even as I close my eyes, I’m already thinking of how pathetic I am not to know what I want to do and how cowardly I am to stay in my comfort zone doing the familiar but not what I am passionate about. I want to do something that would take me higher and so alive.

The man next to me leaned forward to get my attention as if trying to say something. I removed my headphones, and he started telling me a story.

“When I was your age, I also went on a trip alone to find myself. I was thinking, I’m already old and yet I still don’t know where I’m heading, what I am called to do. It was frustrating.

People my age seemed to be happy and enjoying what they were doing. They were certain that they would do it for as long as they lived. That’s how certain they were. But there I was, uncertain of many things – the future, myself, my purpose, my calling, my life.

But I didn’t find what I was looking for on my trip. It was after several years that I found the answer. I realized I just got to love what I am doing and happiness will follow. I am called to do what I do because I choose to believe it. I chose to own it, live it, and love it.”

"Easy for you to do but I am not like you. Just because something is easy for you to accept doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen to me as well." I replied to him in my head. How in the world did he know what was in my head.

"Oh, good for you! So what do you do?" I asked.

"I am the CEO of the largest marijuana company in the world." I froze.

"Just kidding. You look so serious. Life is so short you should learn to laugh and take life easy sometimes."

"Haha!" You got me.” I told him.

"Well, I am the CEO of Volkswagen. It was good to visit the Philippines once in a while. If not for the traffic and pollution, I could have lived here with my family. But I have other priorities too, and my family has their lives in the US.  You are blessed to live in a beautiful country like the Philippines."

"Oh yeah, I am," is all I could say.

The seat belt sign is off and I went to the toilet to pee. I have been holding it for a while now and it’s also good to stand from time to time.

"You seem very quiet. He told me as soon as I returned. You seem to be carrying so much burden in your heart. Take it easy, my friend. Life is beautiful. You got to take your eyes off of you. Let go of the past pain. Let go of it all."

"Are you a prophet or something, freak! Why the heck are you saying that to me? You don’t know me!" I was shouting in my head.

I just looked at him and smiled. I didn’t say anything. I am too tired to have this conversation and I don’t want a stranger lecturing me in the middle of nowhere. 

But this stranger is right in many ways and he got me thinking.

I shake my head. I usually do this when I am overthinking and plotting evil in my head. It’s like I’m trying to stop myself from all the insanity.

It’s dark and it’s late at night on this side of the world, but as I open my eyes at the sound of my roommate’s alarm, I realize I am in this cramped and scorching room, and today, I am flying to the cold Reykjavik.

[michellertaway]

PURE EYES ARE COMING WITH THE DAWN

“Oh, Lord You’ve searched me, You know my ways. Even when I fail You, I know You love me..”

In my shredded voice, I tried to sing the song last night. I lost my voice for days since I got measles and pneumonia but I wanted to sing out loud in my room.

God has His ways of getting our attention so we can focus on Him. In my case, it’s my health. I exercise every day and try to eat healthy and yet my immune system dropped and I caught the measles virus.

It was a bit insane that I was confined in the hospital for six days and even if I am already at home for more than a week, I am still not perfectly fine. My lungs are so weak and my body shakes when I stand or do stuff. The measles scars are lingering on my whole body mostly on my face and I am getting impatient on getting well.

Deeming each trial as part of my cross. How dare I expect a perfect life in this imperfect world? Even Jesus when He was in this world, though He was perfect, experienced disappointment, betrayal, hunger, and sadness.

He probably got sick too. Just as Jesus suffered, I too is expected to experience suffering. But in those sufferings, God’s comfort and peace are always present. Also, these sufferings are just but temporary and they're not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed to us.

Last week, I got a terrible headache that crawled from the back of my head down to my nape. There was nothing I could do and I was so helpless. I ran to God and told Him there was nowhere I could go but to Him. He is my Healer, where else will I go?

It was like magic but after I prayed and cried, my headache disappeared. Sometimes when we ask God for something and He answers our prayers, we still can’t believe that He did it. That’s what happened to me. Maybe I just felt like I didn’t deserve to be heard by this awesome God because of who am I. But out of His mercy and compassion, He heard me and healed me.

I am in awe of this kind of love.

I was both this older and prodigal son – living in self-righteousness, running away, and putting the most important Person in the universe aside. And yet when I go to Him, He still welcomes me with arms wide open. What a crazy kind of love the Father has for His children!

While browsing on Twitter last night, I stumbled upon a post about a guy who lost his girlfriend because of lupus. His girlfriend was still young, faithfully serving God but she went through so much pain and eventually died. And I thought life was really like a mist. You never know when you’re going to leave this earth.

There were times when I felt like I was infinite, that I could do whatever I wanted and go wherever I wanted. But a simple virus brought me to the hospital helpless and static. And then I realized I was nothing but dust from the ground. I am not infinite. This body is not my own, this is just borrowed. I am dependent on the One who breathes air into my lungs.

I have many realizations because of this sickness and I pray that these will not remain realizations but I will act on them and do something about them. One thing I know and want to happen – is for the old Michelle to die in her selfishness, pride, bitterness, unforgiving heart, envy, and self-righteousness.

I want God’s glory to shine in and through me. I know this will not happen overnight or after a few days or even months. This will take time and I know there will be times when I will be frustrated and fail, but I know God is stronger. He is strong in my weaknesses and He will pull me through.

[michellertaway]

HOME IS SOMEWHERE I’VE NEVER KNOWN

JANUARY FREE VERSE POEMS

FAITHFUL GOD

January 6, 2019

 When You created the stars

    and the galaxy where I am

You were thinking of me

And though You knew I was

    going to break your heart

You loved me still, You loved me still

But it was never about me

It was never about my unfaithfulness

It was about You and

You are faithful, God

So I lift my hands in praise

Because that’s all I can do

What else can I do?

I don’t deserve such love and favor

A sinner like me deserves no attention

Because You know I cant do it

   on my own

You made a way for me

Because You love me, You love me

What else can I do?

You are faithful God

YOU CAME

January 14, 2019

I. "When will these dark days end?" she asks

       as tears fall from her brown eyes

Paralyzed in pain and loneliness

Her bed is the friend that she knows

"Are You listening?" she asks

Refrain:

She opens her eyes

Hoping for a better day

Chorus:

And all these darkness You overcame

Arms wide open, feet running

You hold her small fragile hand

And You dance with her

She dances because You came.

II. Trying to find a glimpse of light

      in this unknown gloomy road

Seems like unending path of confusion

Tumbling, falling, but not giving up

Redemption, she cries out

PLEASE STAY

January 28, 2019

Please stay away from me

I might push you away

Been thinking what’s wrong with me

Because everytime I get close to someone

It is always followed with goodbye.

Please stay away from me

Though I want to get to know you

Though I always want to be near you

I’d rather not talk to you

Lets keep it this way

Lets not start something

    That will soon end with goodbye.

Please stay away from me

Its better this way, I  swear

But if you really love me

Please stay

Don’t ever say goodbye.