millennialmusings

[millennialmusings]

On "Family"

So, I am not super close with my family. I have my parents, I have a couple others, but we are not emotionally close. Throughout the years, I have been a family friend to C's family. For a bulk of that time, there were no issues. But I think, in general, I was living my life with heavy blinders that I do not live with anymore.

In the past few months, I feel I have been dragged into family mess and caught in the crossfire. Mix that with navigating the codependency that C and I had, I feel like I have suddenly lost a group of important people.

I couldn't tell you the root to the behavior of C's cousin. I can surmise a couple things, but I won't. But when my character and what I do and don't do start being dragged in, I feel I have to draw a line in the sand.

I was not family and felt like this family was my family, but I have been reminded so many times this year that I am, in fact, not. And as someone who is already not close with family, it doubly hurts. I am trying to figure out how to navigate myself and my positionality in the world amidst all this - in terms of closeness and dynamics with people.

C has always been a one-person + family show. She is good. And I thought I was good too, and that collectively, her family and my involvement in the BS was over, but it's not. I am choosing to get off that rollercoaster and ending things with that.

I don't know what life will look like for me in a year. I think I feel afraid to decidedly walk alone. Sometimes I think superficially - if I am going to live this life, I have to look as good as I can, have a kickass career, etc., because what else will I have to show for myself?

I don't know. Clearly this is a bad head space day. I'll distract myself out of it this weekend and move on.

8 Dimension Check-In

Emotional - Today is not 100%. I feel overwhelmed with hoping that I can keep up with the PT job. I also feel annoyed with conversations with C. They are triggering and make me feel alone. I feel a 180 from how I felt last week. BUT I won't let it let me spiral. I will take hold of my emotions and move on. What I will do is make sure that doesn't take over my energy. It has taken up enough space.

Physical - I will focus on hydration, moving my body, and not overindulging in sweets. I had two mangoes and it should stop there today. Also I need to update myfitnesspal. I have not looked into doctors (due to emotional space) but this is a good reminder when I have time (primary, obgyn, dental, eye, infusion).

Occupational - I will make good use of my time and energy and work through my tasks to the best of my ability. I need to complete my agenda and get a grip on lingering tasks

Social - Distracting a bit this evening with some "fun" but I need it. I think I need to reflect on how I want social to look for me, and re-evaluate the existing dynamics in my life.

Spiritual - I have missed a couple days of the Bible Series. I will hop on now!

Intellectual - Reading has been going well. Finally working my way through Homecoming.

Environmental - Would cleaning count here? Doing what I can in the kitchen? Pair with music? *This is a huge struggle point*

Financial - I will not be spending unnecessary money (daily reminder). *This is a huge struggle point (see Emotional)*

[millennialmusings]

[millennialmusings]

On Birthdays, Personal Agency, & Not Taking Things Personally

So for the first time in a few years, I did not suffer from the birthday blues. This is a huge win for me. I felt happy the day before, and felt happy the day of.

There were definitely things that happened that I could have let ruin my day. I chose not to focus on the negative and focus on the positive instead. I choose not to add the details of the negative on this post as well.

I have been reflecting on why I do not feel birthday blues this year. I think it is because I have been doing so much reflecting the past couple years, and I feel myself 85% on the other side. (It sometimes felt like 2 years of self-torture!) I have learned a lot about myself between the years of 30-32. That alone is a gift.

I also appreciated and internalized the kind words and efforts of others in a way that I did not before. I don't know what it was before or what it is now, but I feel a deeper sense of gratitude. It is something I want to keep with me.

I also think it was a gift for me to gain perspective on situations that had previously left me in my feelings. It offered me the opportunity for compassion and for not taking things personally. The phrase "Your journey is your own" rings strong. People are all on different parts and paths of their journeys, and sometimes you get caught in the crossfire. I am glad I understand the root and know that it has nothing to do with me.

I give myself the agency to honor myself first - honor my needs & feelings, honor what I need to do, honor my freedom. And I coin this year as a year where I treat myself with care.

8 Dimension Check-In (next couple of days)

Emotional - I feel equipped today to handle my emotions in a healthy way and to make healthy emotional decisions. I will make efforts to NOT be on autopilot. I will use activities like podcasts/music/tiktok lives etc to pair with things I do not enjoy doing (like cleaning).

Physical - I will focus on hydration, moving my body, and not overindulging in sweets. I will look into doctors when I have time (primary, obgyn, dental, eye, infusion).

Occupational - I will make good use of my time and energy and work through my tasks to the best of my ability.

Social - I had a very social weekend, so today, this won't be of major focus. The next couple of days, I will allow this to autopilot.

Spiritual - I will either start a Bible app series OR do a guided meditation. I hope to continue over the next couple of days.

Intellectual - I will carve out time in the evening to read tonight.

Environmental - Would cleaning count here? Doing what I can in the kitchen? Pair with music?

Financial - I will not be spending unnecessary money (daily reminder). (Also, buy birthday gift for Christina.)

[millennialmusings]

On Turning 32

This is my last post of 31, what Dr. D has had me coin my "personal new year". Today (this week really), I have been reflecting a lot. During therapy this week, I had Dr. D pull up where my headspace was for the past two years around my birthday.

When I turned 30, I was really sad. I felt like I haven't lived. I was right. What I thought was the root and reason however, wasn't true. I thought it was lack of experience, but it was my way of living.

When I turned 31, I had a lot of stewing feelings. I was MAD. I was grateful--it felt like my career was taking a positive turn, however, I had a lot of resentment and feelings to process - What do I want my life to look like? Why am I codependent? Why did I waste so much time in servitude to others? What will these decisions mean for my future? Is there anything I have to grieve?

I still have some of these questions, but I think throughout the journey of processing my emotions, and the root to my reactions and why I operated the way I did, I began to see little glimmers of freedom. If I were to reflect on the past year, I lived impulsively, made mistakes, felt chaotic, BUT, I experienced new things, connected with so many people, whether short-term or long-term, and felt a little more confident in my existing skin. There is some power I feel in that.

As I write during the last moments of 31 I want to reflect on positivity and how I want to keep that energy up for the new year. Small acts of kindness today felt like a warm hug. Lots of mini-gifts and kind words. Small appreciations of me as a person. That felt really good. So did my aunt's care package. My relationship with family is complicated, but I appreciate that nonetheless.

My relationship with my best friend is not perfect, of course, but I feel like most of the weight I was carrying is gone. That is great personal progress I don't worry (as much) as to why she chooses to maneuver the way she does, I am no longer passive aggressive (a big deal!) and I have learned to accept her as is, instead of expecting change. There are things that still hurt, I have heard it explained perfectly in a TikTok. We were so close, childhood friends, but we can't go back to how we were. It was at the expense of myself. I also am navigating the extended grief of losing a "second family". When shit goes down, people will side with family, and make it clear you are not family. And will never BE family. I have to be ok with that. Dr. D told me that at the time, I needed to see what love from a family could look like, but now I can learn what that love will look like for myself.

This personal new year, I want to make sure I am regularly checking in with taking care of myself - I want to use the 8 dimensions of well being as a guide:

Emotional

Physical

Occupational

Social

Spiritual

Intellectual

Environmental

Financial

I am not looking for perfect daily assessments, but my biggest Achilles' heel at the moment is that I am not taking care of myself. At all. I feel so much good energy, and I want to make sure I am harnessing this positive energy in the right way.

So here is a cheers to turning 32, just a number, but also the middle of quite the journey. 🥂

[millennialmusings]

Erykah Badu in Africa (2003)

[millennialmusings]

On Humility & Being Triggered

So, life constantly humbles me in my 30's it feels. For the past approximately 2 years or so, I had to come to terms with and navigate through codependency I had with my childhood best friend. I feel like I lost so many of my good years. I made sure she was good before me. I thought that was what good friendship was-"best-friendship".

I saw everything in technicolor once I realized.

That hammer came down and came down hard. I remember during a session in therapy, my therapist "Dr. D", told me, "You have to make a decision. Will you keep this relationship in your life?" And I said yes. It was a hard decision to make.

It's hard for so many reasons. I am constantly being triggered. Sometimes things feel like old times, and then I am reminded that they are not. Or, like tonight, I am reminded of past moments where I sacrificed my time, that no longer happen, because she is preoccupied. It is frustrating because I feel like I SHOULD be relieved. It felt exhausting being ever-present until she was tired. So why am I upset? I know it is because I feel resentful.

I have to grieve the whole family. I was so close to her family. I used to call them my "second-family". Those are feelings that I am actively working through. I feel like almost simultaneously, this year, I was constantly reminded that I wasn't family. I wasn't prepared for that. So I feel like I am grieving all over again. It makes me reflect on so much. I have family, but we aren't close. Should I have spent my years repairing? Was I being used? What relationships do I prioritize? Should I prioritize?

I very often want to isolate as my solution, until it was called to my attention that that was my generational curse. I watched my mom get her feelings hurt, then clam up. That is how I want to be. "No one can hurt me if I don't put myself out there." But, inherently, I know that isn't healthy. I feel like if I knew things were going to pan out this way, I would not have been as devoted as a friend. It sounds awful, I know. But it's true. Like I mentioned before, I have had kittens for a couple weeks. I plan to return them Saturday. And of course, people have said "Just keep them!" and of course, I have caught feelings. As frustrating as they can be at times, I look forward to seeing them every day and I am definitely attached. So maybe it is good to give them away. To allow myself to feel comfortable with losing things that make me feel "love". It sounds like a stretch, but it makes sense to me.

I think what frustrates me the most is that I got the short end of the stick. I was the person "replaced". She didn't have to learn what I learned from the experience. And I went from thinking that the ball was "going to drop" to processing that no ball will drop at all. That this can just be a lesson she will never learn. And I feel guilty being upset at that, because she has gone through some heavy trauma. But through the trauma, I was there, at the expense of everyone else.

I know that growth is not linear. I know that I HAVE grown in the past couple years. Just a few days ago, I felt on top of the world. But how quickly all that can come down with one small trigger. I think on a good day I can turn everything into positive fuel. This evening I couldn't. I literally feel like "I can't believe she got away with it." And I know her well. There is "a lot" I feel like she gets away with. However, again, I CHOSE to keep her friendship. So I cannot harp on the issue and still choose to be friends.

Ugh. It's all so frustrating. How do you love and care for someone so deeply and resent them at the same time?

[millennialmusings]

[millennialmusings]

You will never be able to experience everything in this lifetime. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself. - Albert Camus

[millennialmusings]

On Fostering Kittens, ADHD & Work

So last Friday, August 9th. I did an impromptu thing. I adopted two kittens. Not only was it semi-impulsive (I decided the night before) but it was not what I anticipated. I agreed to a Mom adult cat and came back with two 3 month old kittens. I did not grow up with pets in the home, and this was my first time watching cats (my best friend has a dog, so I am more familiar).

Now on Saturday, August 17th, I process how interesting and fulfilling of a mini-journey this has been. As much as I love the kittens (Boggles & Trouble, named after board games), I do think fostering makes more sense for me at this current juncture. I am struggling to "adult" as is. Although today has been a pretty good day.

The kittens have taught me a bit about myself:

it reminded me of my capacity to be loving in an unguarded fashion - felt like giving and receiving love in a very pure form, without expectation.

I can stand to learn to do better with relinquishing control (Can you believe you HAVE to let kittens play?! They've been running around my living room NIGHTLY.)

That my need for alone time is not made up. Kittens are not as distant as people make it out to seem. They often need a lot of attention and cuddles. I've been good at listening to my body.

I can do spontaneous things and it reminds me that I have full autonomy over my life. My upbringing and even my dynamics with others up until recently, has really messed me up to a degree.

I believe I'll return them at some point this week. But I would do it again.

Now last week, I had a colleague pinpoint that my struggles with organization was 100% high functioning ADHD. That because I had good grades, it got brushed over. For some reason, the connection to childhood made it all click for me. I have this thing where I feel like social media has made everyone "a lil ADHD". And it very well may be true. But linking it to a time where technology was not a big part of our lives made it very real for me.

I tried a supplement (called MycoBotanicials Brain) yesterday and today. I am still unsure if it is a placebo effect, but I feel like it is helping a little bit. I would have to truly take it for the whole month to be sure.

But often, I dream of a life where I am functioning like everyone else, and how far that would take me; what my life would look like. I often feel handicapped, and like I'm operating at 30-50%.

Work seems to be going...well??? I need to be better at appreciating my blessings. A year ago, I was at another job, bored and underutilized and underpaid. While my current financial struggles are of my own doing, I am fairly compensated for where I work and my position. I am going to speak briefly at a conference next month???? AND I think I am in the finishing stages of securing a remote PT job. If I do, that'll be great and I'll keep it as a sign to always remain grateful.

My life is so so so far from perfect right now, and it is definitely not what I imagined at almost 32. But sadly, realistically, I don't think I imagined anything for the future. I still don't. While sometimes that is helpful because I am not so let down, it doesn't allow space for dreaming. But I think everything is connected. The ability to give myself agency needs to be there, and I do feel myself working on that. But today, a nice bright spot, is that I feel a piece of hope, and I have documented that hope here, so I hope that I keep it.

[millennialmusings]

Ceramic Houseplants by Ariana Heinzman Revel in the Absurdity of Domestication

[millennialmusings]

Adapted from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

What is a need? (Adapted from this article)

It’s important to be connected to our needs because true needs are always in our best long term interest. Our needs for air, food, water, shelter, community, companionship, autonomy, respect, etc. are all in our best long term interest to fulfill.

Wants, on the other hand, don’t necessarily correlate with long term well-being. In fact, many wants, when fulfilled, actually contribute to our long term detriment.

Put another way: needs refer to the conditions that must be met in order for us to live a balanced life; whereas wants are strategies we use to fulfill our needs. This is why needs inherently map to long term well-being, while wants don’t have such a correlation. Wants can either contribute to our long-term wellbeing, or they contribute to our long-term detriment. In order for our wants to be good for us in the long-term, we must understand which needs they map back to.

Ideally, we should be connected to our needs first, and our wants second. When we become disconnected from our needs due to past trauma, we rely too heavily on our wants to guide our decision making. The disconnection from our needs increases the likelihood that we will attach to wants that lead to our long-term detriment. 

[millennialmusings]

On Friendship - The Long and Short of it All

The past year (more like year and a half), I have learned so many lessons about friendship. I don't feel alone in this. I've seen these discussions online a lot around my age range, especially with Black women.

As I turn 32 at the end of the month, I have been extra reflective. My arguably deepest relationship has been with my best friend, who I have known since I was 10. It is rare to have people, other than your family, that know you for that length of time. That does speak for something, I know it does.

In the past couple years, I learned a lot about codependency and boundaries (a really frustrating and humbling experience) and I learned that no one deserves to be placed on a pedestal, even your chosen best friend (also a really frustrating and humbling experience). As I look at my best friend with new eyes, I struggle with processing it all. She has habits that bother me more than I would like to admit, but in knowing her for so long, I understand the reasons and roots to her behavior. I don't approve, but I understand. I hate when I end up in the crossfire, but if someone, say, lies to appease the different people in their lives, why am I shocked when it is my turn to be lied to? But again, I know the root of the behavior.

Where is the line between accepting people and their flaws, and not being tolerant of bad behavior? I don't know.

I have been grateful that I feel more comfortable with connecting with other people. Me in a past life would be anxious to meet anyone new. I was a complete wallflower. I no longer feel that way. It is so freeing. However, adult friendships don't feel the same. Maybe they aren't supposed to. They also feel less enduring. That gets me nervous. What if I move? Will I die alone (especially if I don't have traditional partnership/kids)? These are things that stay in the back of my mind.

But then again, my enduring, 20-yearish friendship almost came to a complete end, and even though we are still friends, there will still be reservations, at least on my end. There are lessons I learned that I don't wish to repeat, and we definitely did not process our experiences in the same way.

Full adulthood is complicated. You learn lessons, and wisdom comes from those lessons, but it doesn't feel as good as people make it seem. Clarity comes at a cost. Growth is not linear. Everything feels messy.

[millennialmusings]

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

[millennialmusings]

Hello, again.

My initial entry into Tumblr was in 2010, by way of my high school friend, who now is an amazing writer in New York. It fed my interests in so many ways and was my lifeline as I navigated college and the early parts of my career.

It has been about 10 years since I engaged actively with this platform, and here I am again, under very different circumstances. I will be 32 at the end of this month, and some things have changed so much, while also still being the same. It is really interesting to reflect on, actually.

I was talking to a good friend and I was discussing feeling completely disorganized and stuck. I felt like I had ADHD and walked her through my experiences that, in my mind, validate it. She has her MSW, but also is gifted at reading people. She mentioned me being a creative, and my instinct was to reject the thought. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't draw, I can't paint. But then it clicked for me, my love of writing. All my writing now happens in work emails. But she really simplified what I feel like I am missing - an outlet.

So before I get on some addys, I am going to try to see if I do feel a sense of enjoyment and fulfillment that allows me to focus more on my day to day life. It was powerful to look back at my old account. My old account in hindsight made me sad. I didn't have the carefree abandon I wish I had in my 20's. I was serious, anxious and stressed - always wanting to do the right thing.

My expectations are low, I hope that I retain some form of consistency as a bare minimum, and can look back in my 40s and track my growth.

But cheers to impromptu new beginnings on a random Monday at 11:40am!

edit: blog deleted and reuploaded on a not-so-random Tuesday at 11:01pm