mindfaff

[mindfaff]

Starting Anew.

For a long time I felt uncomfortable and unhappy in my body. As a teen I felt huge and ugly and unwanted, undesirable to anyone who looked at me. I was a moody teen, an ‘emo’ and dressed in block with the odd splat of colour here and there. I wore skinny black jeans, chunky belts and shoes and unflattering t-shirts and hoodies. It was my own kind of uniform, it was the only things I felt comfortable in, I almost went to my high school prom in converse, but luckily my mom pressured me into wearing some patent black peep-toe heels in the end.

            Over the years I had stuck to my dark collection of clothes, the shapes and silhouettes changed slightly but black, dark grey and navy were my go to colours. I had always loved old movie styles, I loved the look of the fifties the most and at the age of twenty I bought my first fifties style dress, I instantly felt so much better about myself. For the first time ever I wore a dress that I felt comfortable in and I didn’t totally hate the way that I looked.

            People put me off the idea of wearing these kind of clothes all the time, they said it would look like I was wearing fancy dress or I would always look totally overdressed and it could be a look that I could only pull off in the summer time. So I reverted back to styles that were modern, whatever was being sold on the high-street. I tried going for bright hair and fun clothing in eye popping colours, then I thought I should look more demure and went for a modern Parisian style, wanting to create a curated closet, with go to items and build my own sort of uniform again.

            This is not me, I am not a minimalist kind of person, I find clothes fun and a way of expressing oneself, so I thought to myself, I am twenty-five years old, I can do what I like and I can wear what I like too. I don’t need any one else’s approval of what I want to wear and how I like to style myself. I have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

            So I have recently embarked on my own journey to transforming my wardrobe into the clothes I have always dreamt about owning and wearing daily. The dresses, the skirts, the slacks, the shoes. The hair, the make up, the striking red lips and nails, I can do it all. There is nobody who can shame me into thinking I look awful because when I dress in a vintage style or put on one of my dresses, I get so many compliments, and I feel like my best self.

            I am waiting anxiously for my hair to grow to a decent length, so that I can curl it and style it and do fun little up-do’s, then I have some clothes that I already like, which I am going to expand on.

[mindfaff]

People.

I feel a little disconnected today. I feel like on the exterior my people skills are great, I seem chatty sometimes and I seem to be bubbly and outgoing.

But on days like today, I worry about everything. About what I say, how I talk, what people perceive me to be like... It's exhausting for the mind.

[mindfaff]

Today is a Monday.

The past week was pretty rough for me mentally, lots of little things kept getting to me and I felt out of sorts and a little useless.

I decided that I’m going to put it all behind me, no more tears and no more napping whenever it becomes a little too much. I need to try and be more present in my own life. I can’t take a back seat and hope that it will all fall into place.

So I have decided that I’m going to try and get up a little earlier, take my time a little more getting ready. Ease myself into the day and take better care of myself. I want to take a little more pride in my appearance and feel good about myself. Or as good as I can feel about myself anyway…

I want to nourish my body more, longer soaks, take better care of my skin, feed myself better food and not just lounge around and eat packet after packet of crisps and large chunks of cheese.

I want to indulge in some of my own hobbies and interests and take more time for myself. I’m hoping it will not only keep me from sleeping but also engage my mind.

I want to make more time for reading and podcasts, I feel like I am growing stupid because my mind seems to constantly feel numb to some degree. I want to learn a skill of some sort, I’m not sure what this is yet, I am very interested in sewing, and I do have a machine I should use, so maybe I will look into that.

  I just want to be a better version of myself. Slowly but surely, that is the plan.

[mindfaff]

This is the idea...

So I've been using tumblr for a while now, I think I first got it back when I was fifteen in 2009ish. Back then I was all about ~aesthetic~ and gaining more followers and popularity. Overtime I stopped using it and my account was deactivated, then sometime last year I got it back, wanting to fill the time at work when I was bored and also for reference pics for the things I was interested in.

Lately, I have been wanting to just write. I use journals daily and enjoy the physical act of writing things down and letting my ideas and emotions flow out through the ink of my pen, but sometimes I don't always have the ability to do that at work and so I thought I would start a sort of journal/mental log on here.

I'm not entirely sure if I will post regularly, it might be about something totally random and off topic or it could be something I need to get off of my chest, it could be a writing prompt, it could be anything I want.

So really this post is just to kick things off and get my juices flowing, also it makes it look like I am working away but really I'm bored and this is more fun than just sitting her going back over the same old spread sheets time and time again.