minhtamm

[minhtamm]

"find your own voice". that's what everyone says. have your own opinions. voice them. make yourself heard. don't be boring.

growing up in Vietnam, the thing with being perceived, being loud, or being "true to yourself" is that it almost always comes with a sense of danger and vulnerability. finding your own voice takes time and real work if you spent years of your life being reminded that silence is the safest. eventually, it becomes a loop where you stop trying to acquire new knowledge beyond your bubble as there is seemingly no use for it.

ofc as you grow up, you see that "safety" is a temporary illusion that feeds off the fear of the powerless. it requires you to conform and to perform all the time. it makes you an easier target to manipulate and control. but that's what everyone around you is doing.

it takes time to deconstruct the need to be a nice person, a pleasant one that poses threats to none. sometimes I feel like the first step to owning your voice is to willingly be hated. as long as you have something significant to say, someone out there would definitely oppose it.

[minhtamm]

showing off our scarlet letters.

[minhtamm]

it's honestly so hard to navigate friendship as you get older.

[minhtamm]

“Can one invent verbs? I want to tell you one: I sky you, so my wings extend so large to love you without measure.”

— Frida Kahlo

[minhtamm]

05/12/2022

if I put “waiting room” by Phoebe Bridgers on repeat long enough, maybe it would rip my heart out and I would no longer remember why I miss you.

[minhtamm]

25/12/2022

He cooked for me today just like a hundred times before. Spicy noodles with beef and bok choy. I was blasting Taylor Swift’s debut album while watching him cook like a hundred times before. The difference was this time we were in New York, at his friends’ empty apartment and he was not going to see me off at the airport the day after. Nothing was the same.

His fingers clutched mine at the subway. 7 minutes. He was staring outside the window and I was looking at the railway, trying to hold back the tears brimming on my eyelids. The train was approaching, the noise of metals and railways scorched my feelings. He held my hands tighter. We hugged. 

“I will miss you very much”

“Have a safe flight”

Couple rings on our fingers. Whatever that might mean now.

[minhtamm]

28/11/2022

What a shame you couldn’t stay 

I could have devoted my life to you 

Take as many flights as I could afford to keep this love alive 

Signed up for as many night shifts as I could endure to save up for your Christmas gift 

Whispering as many ‘I love you’ as I could to fill in the time and space between us 

But I guess whatever now since you left 

[minhtamm]

I feel content today. I woke up at noon and no guilt crossed my mind. I was simply laying there looking at the sunrays warming my blanket. A hang-out plan got canceled because my friend was too hungover to get out of bed. I got up, cleaned my room, did the laundry, made myself breakfast (or lunch), washed the dishes while Adele's latest song was blasting in the background and my boyfriend was sleeping tightly on the other end of the phone, 4000km away. Then I took a shower, got some rest, scrolling Tiktok and Instagram aimlessly before joining an online French class. I very much enjoyed learning the language. I think taking an online language course makes it much easier for me to comprehend and enjoy because the constant pressure of physically being evaluated by other people is out of the picture. The blazing afternoon sun shone right through my curtain-less window, on my face.

After class, I was ready to head out to the center and be that tote bag bitch with a Kindle and an extra book inside. I bought myself a milk tea and sat down on the grass field reading Sally Rooney's latest novel. Life felt so lovely at that moment. It was a bit late in the afternoon and there were not too many people sitting around. I wore enough clothes, my boyfriend's hoodie and Thao's super warm jacket, to not shiver like a chihuahua like every single time before.

It is funny how most of those days I feel genuinely calm and in peace with life are the days I am in my own company. I am quite a good companion for myself, I do know how to make myself temporarily happy and relaxed. Today alone can help me get through another week of papers and interviews and social interactions and washing dishes. Nonetheless, I believe it is a privilege to be able to feel content and peacefully coexist with one's self, comprising its physical body and all the nuisance inside. Do you think so? I feel content because I acknowledge I, fortunately, have such a strong and secure support system that whenever I failed to accept myself, there are always people there. I have a family, who even when they could not see things from my perspective, tries to support me in whatever ways they know how to. I have friends who stick around after all my bullshit and spontaneous decisions. I have a boyfriend who loves me endearingly and envisions a future with me. I know if I were drowning, there would be someone who holds out their hand. Just thinking about it fills me with the will to live.

Do you think life can be very pretty and nice if we humans are capable of living in the present, in the moments instead of rushing forward or keep reminiscing?

I guess that's it for today. Life feels comforting and I am glad. I hope you are taking care of yourself and I love you very much.

[minhtamm]

anxiety ties you to bed

the war unpacks her thing

[minhtamm]

Những vòng lặp

Mình hay xem một chị bói Tarot trên Youtube tên là Chi de papilon, chỉ xem giết thời gian thôi, cũng chẳng để ý gì nhiều. Nhưng mà chị từng nói một câu mà mình cứ nhớ mãi, đại ý rằng cuộc đời thực chất là những vòng lặp. Những vấn đề hay hoàn cảnh trong quá khứ mình đã trải qua sẽ quay trở lại, có thể biến đổi đi một chút, thử thách cách nhìn nhận sự việc và giải quyết vấn đề của mình, xem mình đã "lớn" hơn được chút nào chưa. Mình thì sau những vấn đề mình đã qua, phần lớn cách giải quyết của mình là trốn tránh nó để không phải giải quyết. Tai không nghe, mắt không thấy thì sẽ không phải đau lòng. Nên mình nghĩ mình vẫn chẳng biết giải quyết vấn đề thế nào cho tốt hơn.

Mình nghĩ con người ta càng thực sự ước muốn điều gì trong cuộc đời, thì cuộc đời càng thử thách đúng cái đó hơn. Tất cả những điều ước của mình, on all my wishing stars là những người mình yêu quý hạnh phúc và mạnh khoẻ, để họ có thể bên mình thật lâu, thật lâu. Mình chỉ cần vậy thôi. Mình trải qua đủ mất mát trong cuộc đời để biết mình thực cần sự tồn tại hạnh phúc của những người mình yêu quý, kể cả không phải ở cạnh mình. Vậy có khó lắm không?

Ừ chắc là không dễ, chẳng dễ chút nào.

[minhtamm]

Paolo Sebastian | The Passage of Spring

[minhtamm]

Hôm nay mình nghe được chuyện gia đình Trân và về việc mẹ Trân quyết định ly dị. Nghe chuyện thế này làm mình sợ lắm, nhưng đồng thời những chuyện như này càng làm mình chắc chắn hơn về core values in life của mình. Mình thực sự muốn giúp đỡ mọi người, những người thực sự cần. Mình cảm giác mục đích của việc kiếm tiền trong tương lai của mình cũng là để có cơ sở đi hỗ trọ những người cần đến nó hơn. Đó cũng là lý do mình không muốn có con, vì mình nghĩ đã có rất nhiều người đang sống cần nhiều sự hỗ trợ và thời gian hơn rồi. 

Nãy Trân sang phòng update về chuyện của nó. Mình có thể cảm nhận được anxiety trong người Trân. Lúc đấy Trân đứng ăn và nói chuyện mà mình thấy nó cô đơn lắm. Mình rất muốn ra ôm nó nhưng mình đã không làm thế.  Mình nghĩ mình sẽ góp nửa tháng lương đầu tiên của mình cho mẹ Trân, dù không nhiều nhưng mình mong nó sẽ giúp được chút gì đó. 

Mình tin là không bao giờ quá muộn để bắt đầu lại. Mình luôn mong là vậy. 

[minhtamm]

achieving something different from your plan is still an achievement.

[minhtamm]

cuộc sống là muôn vàn những lời tạm biệt.

[minhtamm]

the past the past the past the past the past the past the past the past.

[minhtamm]

[minhtamm]

ramble

I used to think that each breakup I experience in my life would take away a part of me. Like I was born with a “love” mason jar filled to the brim and a certain amount of romantic love energy I could spend in life, and each heartbreak spills some. And I could not just refill the jar because what lost is lost, until I have nothing left. That is the reason I am so careful when it comes to letting someone in my life as a romantic partner because I am scared of the consequence. I know how heartbreak could leave me stranded for quite a while. And I don’t wanna run out of all the love I have in my imaginary jar. Heartbreak told me I should distant myself from truly opening up to someone new so I could protect myself. Heartbreak handed me the accumulated hesitation when it comes to investing love and hope in another relationship so as when things went wrong, I would not be shattered, I would be easier for me to leave. I guess because being emotionally attached is one of my weakest spots, I always desire the capability of leaving and letting things go easily???

This makes me think I am such a hypocrite to call myself a hopeless romantic because I don’t dive headfirst in any possibility of passion anymore. What if I got burn? What if one day people just changed their mind? What if I changed my mind? What if I hurt them? I have too many what ifs to be a hopeless romantic.

Deep down, I know all this jar thing is stupid and love does not work like that. Very recently, I realized this whole jar thing with “certain amount of love” is just how my mind made up a somewhat logical story to make sense of my behaviors. I realized the hesitation and avoidance and detachment are simply my trauma response.

After all, I think life is about restructure and adjust your perception over and over again. What suits you at that moment in time might no longer serve your happiness in the presence, and your future self might need to relearn what you believe to be true now. And I think it’s time for me to relearn, and that I am brave and capable enough to love and invest in someone again. And no, each breakup in my life does not take away a part of me. It becomes a new part of me.

I will love when I love. I will keep relearn what I know about the thing call love. After all, I simply just want to have the guts to love someone properly and wholeheartedly without fears.

and hey,

if you were reading this, 

I’m glad I met you and I am still learning.