miniaturebelieverbird

[miniaturebelieverbird]

July 13, 2022

After a year and a half hiatus, MBB is back at it!!.. After it took me a few tries to get into this account lol

So here is an update since the last time I logged in: I graduated graduate school with my Masters in Occupational therapy, I figured out what population and area I want to work in, and I have almost made it to 2 years working at Sbux. I’ve started to go to therapy and have moved back home full time (since May 2021). J has graduated high school and he is going to be moving onto OSU’s campus this fall as a sophomore. I’ve gone on a few Tinder dates, but nothing has come from them. I’ve realized that I am pansexual and I am learning to accept myself as I am. Reading over my old posts has made me realize that I have lost faith in God and I don’t know if I want to gain it back. My dad has cancer. My Gran almost died in March. So many things in my life have changed since the last post and it is shocking to think about them all at once. 

Here is the kicker, though: I have failed my board exam twice. Both times were only by a few points, but it still cuts like a knife. I have always been one to keep going after bad things happen or if things don’t go my way, but friends, this time is it extremely difficult. I understand that these tests are meant to be super, duper hard, but there is a little part of my that thinks that if I can’t even pass this test, how am I suppose to do this in real life? Then I think about all of the people and kiddos I helped in my internships and I know that this is what I want to do. I then realized that this is definitely something I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I am working through the maldaptive thoughts that everyone is disappointed in my for failing twice. I feel as if I always need to be succeeding to be able to face everyone else. I need to unlearn those thoughts. My own path in life is not the same as my former classmates. It is not the same as my brother’s or my best friend’s or my coworkers at Sbux. I also need to start adopting the attitude of “who cares what others think?” No one is walking in my shoes and I am the only one who needs to worry about what I am doing. I am proud of myself for sticking to this this long. A lot of things have happened in my life this year and it has been extremely difficult to concentrate on anything else. Do I need to learn to compartmentalize things? Absolutely. But, for now, I am going to wallow in self-pity today and then start studying again tomorrow. This time around, 3rd time is the charm and I refuse to take this test again. Looks like i will have to prove my own mind wrong and finish it this time. 

Until then, stay safe and stay kind, friends <3. 

--MBB

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Jan. 20, 2021

Happy Inauguration Day!! 

Tis I, your friendly neighborhood Starbucks Barista (I found a job!!), signing on once again after almost 8 months of inactivity. A lot has happened since the last time I signed into this Tumblr account, the good and the not-so-good. At the time I started this post, I was sitting at home alone baking cookies because I made the big girl decision not to travel home to Ohio for the holidays, much to my parent’s dismay. At the time of the decision, Ohio was increasing at an alarming rate, and one of my roommates works in a group home where there were positive cases. Since then, she has tested negative several times, and went home to visit her family. Instead, I  held down the fort and went to visit my Aunt and Uncle for Christmas, masked up and S.D. as much as I could. I wanted to write this post as calming presence for those who made the hard decision not to be with the people they love this past holiday:

I am proud of you for making this decision and I know it was not easy. There will be-- and probably are-- people who do not understand why you chose the way you did. The thing they need to realize is that this is not forever and if one holiday needs to be sacrificed to the gods/God/universe/Higher Being in order to be able to go out and have fun again this year, grab your obscenely long knife and follow me. There is a light coming at the end of this tunnel, and whether you believe in the vaccine or not, it will be something that is going to help a lot of people, myself included. Just take what they say with a grain of salt, and persevere through. 

With schools going back in session for the Spring Semester, I want to send out good vibes to anyone who happens to stumble across this post. Take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and try your hardest. That is all anyone can ask of you. Online classes are difficult. Heck, in person college classes are difficult. I believe in you, because you are amazing. I read a quote somewhere that went-- paraphrasing, of course-- something like this: “You all have a little bit of ‘Save the world’ in you.... that’s why you are in college”. And I totally believe that. Whether you are going to be,a teacher, a therapist, an accountant, a butcher, baker or candlestick maker, you are trying to gain more knowledge in order to make the world a little better than what we were left with. Cause goodness knows that we are being left with a deflated beach ball of a world. Contrary to what most older adults think, Millennials are trying to help society to become more diverse, stronger, and, for goodness sake, easier to live in. So, keep doing what you are doing, fight the good fight, and continue to work hard. 

Stay safe out there IRL!!

-MBB

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 70: ROY G. BIV

Today marks 10 weeks that I have been in quarantine, and 53 days since I started this blog. I have decided to stop posting everyday and that is only because Ohio is starting to open up again and it is getting harder to find something to write about everyday. Not that there isn’t anything happy in my day to write about, but nothing that I haven’t already written about or anything that would be of any help. I really enjoyed posting everyday and reflecting on why those things made me happy. I am feeling a lot better about my everyday life after spending so much of it writing about happy things. I will still continue to be active and I may post some blurbs every now and again. But! Today’s Happy thing: 

I finally broke down and bought a subscription to Starz in order to watch the fourth and fifth seasons of Outlander. I was going to just try and binge it all in the seven days that I have for the free trial, but then I thought that when season six comes out, I wont’ be able to watch it anywhere because we don’t have Starz on our cable. Will I regret it? Probably, but we are all about reckless decisions that do not cause harm in this house! 

As for the job search, I am still on the lookout. The grocery store that my brother works at has yet to get back to me and I am about to call them, much to my brother’s dismay. Fingers crossed that the state park opens soon and I can get back to work. 

Thank you all for coming on this journey with me! I have loved every second of it and it has helped me keep a more positive attitude during this time. So, keep your heads up and try to focus on the happier things today. A remember: if things get too tough, walking does help. 

All the love, signing off for the last time, 

-MBB, 05/25/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 69: Peach

Today’s Happy thing: shortyyyyyyyy

I was pretty productive today, for once! I got up early and went grocery shopping with my parents, went and picked up the couch that my Nana let me have from her move, visited my Gran, and I am going to help my brother with his Othello homework.I got to play rummy with my Papaw and I really enjoyed laughing with him as I kicked his butt; it was 650 to 210!  My mom and I also watched 2 episodes of Drag Race and my dad watched Legally Blonde with me this afternoon. One thing I love the most about my dad is that he will watch any movie that I am in the middle of and he will get into it as if he watched it from the very beginning. He has watched many Hallmark movies with me doing this, and he isn’t into those rom-com movies. 

My goal this week is to clean out and reorganize my bookshelf and to put my clothes away for once. Whenever I am home, I never seem to put my clothes away, for some reason. I always live out of my suitcase and totes for the length of time that I am home. I want to change that for the next 2 months that I am home. I can’t wait to redo my bookshelf! I redo it every 6 months, it seems like. I always forget how many books I have until I clean it out. And I always find ones to reread that I have forgotten that I own. 

-MBB 05/24/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 67 and 68: green

Yesterday’s and today’s happy things: 

Missed another day yesterday and it didn’t feel so bad. I started season 3 of Outlander and holy smokes! I’m so glad that Jamie and Claire are back together, but I feel as if Jamie is hiding something big from her. After this goes up, I am going to continue on and see...I shall keep you update with little spoilers. 

As for today: I went to go visit my grandparents today and my cousin had brought food for them. They were eating as a picnic on the deck and I loved that I was able to sit in with them. My legs got burnt and my face got red, but I was able to spend time with cousin and his girlfriend. We talked about everything from my major to jobs to memories to food. My cousin and I are only 11 months apart and we essentially grew up to be the same person. L was born at the beginning of August of ‘99 and I was born the end of August in ‘98. We spent a lot of time together growing up when they lived with our grandparents after they moved back to Ohio. We would play all day outside, only taking breaks for food and to play the GameCube. After they moved to out of our grandparents, I barely saw him and his older sister. But when I do see them at family gatherings, I enjoy the time I spend talking with them. My older cousin is getting married in October--fingers crossed-- and I cannot wait to see her marry the man she loves. Hopefully she will be able to have the wedding and hopefully I will be able to come home for that weekend. I will try my darndest to be there, even if I have to miss coaching a game. It is going to be great! 

-MBB, 05/22/2020 & 05/23/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 66: Beige

Today’s happy thing: superrrrr shorty 

I applied to more jobs today! And I have already gotten an email saying that one of the receptionist employers looked at my application! Which is pretty cool. But the one that I am hoping for is a nanny position with 2 young kids. The biggest part of that job is doing crafts and other activities with the kiddos, which is mostly what OT is! The downside is that I would have to travel almost an hour one way. I am totally down with that! I don’t have much babysitting or nannying experience and that may also hold me back, but! I am quick on my feet and I love kiddos! I want to work with them when I am actually practicing. Whatever happens and whichever job I get, I will be happy with it! Wish me luck, my fine feathered friends!

-MBB, 05/21/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 65: Red

Today’s Happy thing: 

I decided to break out my painting supplies and try my hand at painting again. It has been almost a whole year since the last time I painted something. Sitting on my living room floor today, I remembered why I loved doing it. It helps relax and center me. My minor was in the arts--everything from music, to dance, to art, to art therapy to creative writing-- and I took a painting class last spring. Going into that class, I had zero skills and zero background in painting. I was the only person in the class that wasn’t an art major. I really struggled during that class to not be so hard on myself while I was painting. We had to paint four paintings: three on masonite and the final one on a canvas we stretched ourselves. My mom has one of them hanging in her office and it depicts a dandelion being blown away against the moon. For the portrait one, I painted my brother as a Ninja Turtle and my favorite part of it was capturing the color of his copper hair. But, my all time favorite painting that I did was the final one on the canvas. We had free range on what we wanted to paint. I remember having to ask the teacher for some sort of guidelines because I had no idea what I wanted to do for it. I was in the middle of a softball practice when I realized what I wanted to do. Being a goalkeeper and a softball player, I use my hands a lot. I talk with my hands and I think hands are beautiful (except for the tendons that run inside of the hand.....now those freak me out). I think of the weathered hands of my Papaw from the woodwork he use to do and the scarred ones of my dads from working in the factories. I painted the background of the canvas a dark purple, then I slathered my hands in all of the colors I had, except white. I then pressed them all over the canvas. When it was all dried, I them painted my hands in white to print one set on the canvas. The more I looked at it, the more I realized that this also was a metaphor for my anxiety; all of the different colored hands taking over my life, but my hands pulling me out and keeping me above water. 

Today, I painted a cactus in an orange desert. Before I was done, my brother mentioned that he would like it for his room, which both surprised me and made me feel super happy. I highly recommend painting as a source of relaxation and comfort. And remember: you have the talent to paint and what you paint is never wrong. It is your interpretation of the object/person and never let anyone tell you that your art is wrong or stupid. It is beautiful and you made that. Be proud of it! 

-MBB, 05/20/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 64: Spotted

Today’s Happy thing: 

If I am being honest, I don’t know how much longer I am going to keep doing this daily blog. I originally started this almost 50 days ago to keep my mind on happy things and to not focus so much on the despair that was--and is still-- going on around me. I was a little depressed about how my semester was ending and the fact that I was going to be moving back home, as were my roommates. I have missed a few days here and there due to exams, moving and being sucked into the Scottish Highlands. I have also gotten deep a few times in a few posts and I have despaired in a few. By getting into a routine of writing before I went to bed, this helped me keep my thoughts on the things that make my days better and that make me temporarily forget what is going on. I often looked forward to writing down my thoughts about what happened during the day, either with YouTube or Spotify playing in the background. I also often get distracted as I am writing these, unfortunately, so sometimes these don’t always make sense. I am going to keep continuing on as long as I can, or until I miss 2 in a row on accident, then at which I will post for the last time as MBB. 

On a different note--way to switch gears, MBB-- I finished the masks that I am making to send to my best friend. She currently lives in Buffalo and it is super bad up there. I am going to send her a care package with some self care things for her, as well as her favorite candy to go along with the masks. Hopefully, this is the last time I have to fire up my Gran’s sewing machine, of which I nicknamed ‘Matilda’. Even though I enjoy sewing, it would frustrate me sometimes. I am glad that I have made enough masks for those I love. I think I will stick to hand stitching things from now on. 

-MBB, 05/19/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 63: Cream

It has been officially 9 weeks in quarantine! Almost to double digits! 

Today’s Happy thing: 

When I am home, I sometimes meet my mom at her office for lunch. We like to go to a little coffee shop bistro downtown that has some of the best lattes and food. Because her work won’t allow any outside people into the building and inside dinning isn’t open, my mom and I improvised. I picked up Wendy’s for lunch and my mom picked up coffee from Dunkin’. We met in the parking lot of the grocery store where my brother works. We sat, ate, and talked like we would have if we went to the bistro. Even though it wasn’t the same, I still loved being able to have lunch with my mom (even though I see her everyday). 

Currently, my mom and I are watching RuPaul's Drag Race, season 5. I love watching this show! And I am so glad that my mom got into it as well. I love the message the RuPaul sends to the people who need to hear it. “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”. That is so true! I love being able to watch utter magic happen on that stage and the positivity that comes along with it! I can’t wait to watch season 11 with her! My favorite queen come from that season: Shuga Cain. She is phenomenal and funny and I feel like she would be a wonderful person to sit down and have dinner with! 

-MBB, 05/18/2020 

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 62: Striped

Today’s happy thing: 

I did a whole lot of nothing today and it felt so nice to not have anything to worry about for once. I look up at the dry erase calendar that I have hanging on my wall and there is nothing on there but the dates and the days I have to pay bills. Usually at this time, I would be getting ready to work 40 hours a week at the campground, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will go back sometime this summer. But I am content with sitting here for now waiting to hear word from the 5 jobs that I have applied to in the past couple of days. I am going to give them a few more days until I call and ask about the status of my applications. I am hoping for the grocery delivery job because I think that that would be a fun job this summer. 

I baked again today, and I know that everyone is shocked about that. I made egg-less vanilla cupcakes with a homemade chocolate buttercream. Some of them are falling apart because their tops are too big, but they still taste good! I am going to run some over to my Gran tomorrow after I meet my mom for lunch. We are having a picnic in the parking lot of the store my brother works at because I am not allowed to go into her office like I use to. Which I understand, but I miss going in there and sitting in the corner of her office, reading and drinking coffee. 

OUTLANDER is taking over my life! If you (as a young adult or older) need a romance show to watch, I highly, highly recommend this one. I have only been watching it for 3 nights, and I am almost done with the first season. It is keeping me hooked at the end of every episode and I couldn’t fathom waiting until next week to watch the next one. I haven’t watched a show weekly like that since high school when I was watching Switched at Birth and The Fosters on Monday nights, Twisted on Tuesday nights, and Vampire Diaries on Thursday nights! There are only 3 seasons on Netflix and the 5th season just ended on TV, I think. Hopefully, I finish it this summer and then either buy those seasons, or they come onto Netflix sooner rather than later. I am going to need to keep up with my Frasers. 

-MBB, 05/17/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Days 60 and 61: teal and white

Yesterday’s and Today’s happy things: shortssss

Would you look at that: MBB missed another day lol I have no excuse except that I started Outlander and that is all I can say on that. I am been thrown deep into the highlands of Scotland and I have no desire to leave anytime soon. So if you need me, play the bagpipes. 

As for today....I officially have my BS in Occupational therapy. I spent the day with family, and Snapchatting my other friends who were graduating today too. We would have been taking cute pictures today and I currently would be at a dinner with all of my friends and families. Instead, I am eating mac & cheese, watching Outlander and toasting a beer to the class of 2020. I have said it before on this blog and I will say it again: We did it. and to the class of 2021: have fun next year. Don’t take anything for granted and relish in those late nights with your friends. To those athletes that are playing their last season: play as hard as you can for as long as you can. It’ll be over in a blink on an eye. And remember: No matter what gets thrown at you.....you got this!

-MBB 05/15/2020, 05/16/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

59: tangerine

Today’s happy thing: a real shorty

Today was my first day where I didn’t have to worry about assignments or exams and it felt amazing. I was able to sit about and start a new drama show and I got to play a new video game with my brother. I got to run some errands today and I took my Nana and my Gran some flowers for Mother’s day. It was nice to talk with them, even behind the masks, and I really truly miss being able to hug them. I am currently sitting in my bed, mint tea on my night stand, living my best life as a new college graduate. I applied to four summer jobs today and I am excited to hear back from them. We received an email today from my boss that we are only opening up with limited staff and my area isn’t coming back right away. Which is fine! I totally understand the need for limited staff for the safety of everyone. Will I get to work with my brother all summer or will I get to go back to the great outdoors? Only time will tell! Either way, I am grateful that I even get to work this summer and save up some money to live on my own this fall. Fingers crossed I hear back sometime tomorrow or in the next few days! 

-MBB, 05/14/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 58: Orange

Today’s Happy thing: 

I finally did it. I finished college! It felt so surreal today when I turned in my last exam that I was done with this one chapter of my life. Granted, I have another year and a half to go with the rest of graduate school, but still. I am a first generation college graduate and I am not shy to say that I have worked my butt off for four years. I reflected and looked back at these last four years and I am amazed at the opportunities I had. I was able to keep playing the sport--soccer-- I love, with an amazing group of girls to back this goalkeeper up. I found another family through this team as well as the softball team. I found some truly life long friends that I can see standing in my wedding one day. I have traveled all over the Midwest and I was able to travel even farther west with the softball team for spring training. I got into graduate school early and met some fantastic people there. I was challenged in my classes this year, and I was able to take some truly eye opening classes in the past semesters. It will be hard not moving in with the athletes this August, and it will be even harder when it hits me that I won’t be playing soccer this fall...It has been a long, long time since I haven’t played soccer in the fall. But! I will be back to help my team as the assistant/goalie coach. I am so excited and blessed with this opportunity and I cannot wait to help my girls become better student athletes, as well as see them shine as women. 

Even though this semester didn’t go quite like I’d planned, I am super grateful that I was able to go to school and that I found a career that I am falling in love with. This Saturday is still going to be a great day, and I am going to have a drink for all of the college seniors that didn’t get their last semester in at their school. But, hey. We did it, guys! We survived the last 4--or more-- years! We are finally done with homework and exams and all nighters and early mornings. And if anyone out there who is reading this is an incoming freshman in the fall: cherish those moments. Some advice? Those people you meet in the first few weeks of school may not stick around, and that’s okay. Those people are starting out anew and in the same boat you are. You will find your people. The people who will go on midnight McDonald’s runs with you because you need a break from studying and want chicken nuggets. The people who will blow up hundreds of balloons for your birthday and stick them into your room while you are gone. The people that have your back no matter what and who want nothing but the best for you. Those are the people you need and will find. Just be patient. And once you find them, you will wonder how your life every got along without them.

Congratulations, Class of ‘20. Now go out there and be an adult! 

-MBB, 05/012/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 57: White

Today’s Happy thing: Shorty in between studying...

When I wasn’t pouring over my laptop doing exams, I was spending time with my brother today. We went and picked up some lunch, ate it in the parking lot, and talked. We haven’t had the chance to just sit and talk about things in a while and it was nice. On the way home, J blared some absolute bops and we sang along. We even took the long way home because we wanted to hear all of the songs that we had on queue. After dinner, J hooked up the old GameCube and we played a game from our childhood that we would spend hours and hours on: Namco Museum: 50th anniversary edition. This game had a bunch of arcade style games on it like Galaga, PacMan, and even some I had never heard of like Sky Kid or Rolling Thunder. J and I would take turns trying to unlock Galaga ‘88 and PacMan Mania. Tonight, it only took me 4 tries to get the 40,000 points to unlock Galaga ‘88! Tomorrow, after my exams, my goal is to get the 15,000 points on PacMan to get the new game open! With J’s help, I know that we will be able to eat enough pellets to warrant a new game! 

-MBB, 05/12/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 56: purple

Exactly 8 weeks in quarantine and guess what I am going to do this week?.... dye my hair :) So I spent all of today driving across several states back to Ohio. I turned In the keys to the dorm house we lived in, and I said "goodbye" to living on campus. For the past 4 years, I have been lucky enough to be able to roll out of bed at 15 till and make it to class on time. Our campus is composed of 3 buildings (not including the gym) and they are connected by underground tunnels, so I never had to go outside during the winters. Dor the past 2 years, I have lived in the only campus house with 3 of the best people I have ever met. They truly helped me grow out of my shy shell and help me advocate for myself when needed. It was a rough go for the first part of Junior year, but we got through it together. I miss them a lot right now, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that they both come back after all of this is done and live with me again in August. My dogs were so happy to see me when I got home! The biggest one was running in circles and the littler one was wiggling his butt around like he does. I missed them too. They always are there for me when I need a laugh and they always know when I am upset. They are just good like that❤ My secret sister got her gift! AND SHE LOVED IT!! I am so happy that she loved it! I love making those tie blankets for people; they are super easy and everyone needs more blankets! Keep being cool! And remember, walking helps! -MBB, 05/11/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Day 55: Pink

Today’s Happy thing: 

Finals start tomorrow and what am I doing? I am driving across several states to head home. We got everything moved in and *mostly* unpacked. It felt so nice to be put everything into its right place. With the boxes cleared away, I could start to see what my life is going to look like starting in August. One of my roommates was there with me and we got to arrange the living. We were adulting haha. Did I unpack my winter clothes? Nope. Did J and I make the little room off of the living room into our own little library/reading room? Heck yes we did! I am super excited to spend hours in that tiny room, basking in the sunlight that streams through the window with a good book in my lap and a tea cup on the floor beside my feet. It is going to be awesome. 

On another note, I have finished two out of four of my study guides for my finals this week. That is a feat in itself because I am the type of student to do the study guides the night before the test. I sat down yesterday and cranked out my Kinesology guide, and today I finished my psycholosocial guide. Now, the only thing left to do is actually take the tests. When Thursday rolls around, I am going to jump for joy because I am done with this. This semester has been the toughest one yet and I cannot wait until it is all over. Fingers crossed that we are back on campus in the fall.. I don’t know if I could do another semester online again with the types of classes I have to take. 

Here is your motivation to get through this finals week: YOU GOT THIS!! YOU ARE GOING TO DO GREAT!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!! 

-MBB, 05/25/2020

[miniaturebelieverbird]

Days 53 and 54: Orange and Yellow

Today’s--and yesterday’s- happy thing(s)-

I want to apologize for missing another day. We were moving all of yesterday and when we were done moving, I could barely lift my arms to drive home. So, I am combining yesterday’s and today’s happy things into one post. 

I AM OFFICIALLY MOVED OUT!!! It took a lot of sweat and hard labor to move three people’s lives from one place to another. Thankfully, I had some help from one of my new roommates and her dad. We got everything into the new house and tomorrow we are going to start unpacking all of the boxes to make it look like we are somewhat getting our lives together. We even received our keys! I feel like everything is falling into place and I couldn’t be happier! Our house is super cute and I cannot wait until we all move in and everything can get back to a semblance of normal, although I know that normal will never be what we once knew. We will just have to roll with the punches and accept anything that is thrown at us. Because that is all we can do. Those who are protesting to open up before they have met the requirements of their states own plan, they are the ones that are forcing the hands of the higher ups to extend what is going on. Do what you are told and things will slowly start getting better. We all want haircuts, I understand that, but it is a want, not a need. Your dead ends will be fine for another few weeks of being there, and Karen, no one cares that we can see your gray roots. It’s hair. 

On a different note: We have received word that state parks will be opening up soon for camping! I am so happy! That means I won’t have to find another job for this summer and I can work with the people that I love for my last summer! Granted, I totally know that there will be new changes in how I have to close up at nights with cleaning, as well as throughout the day, but it will be worth it when I can work the job that I know! Keep sending vibes/prayers my way, fine feathered friends! 

I GRADUATE IN A WEEK, GUYS!! I am so happy, but still stressed about finals this week. And if you have finals this week: good luck! Study hard! You’re almost done! I know that you will do well! I believe in you! 

-MBB, 05/09/2020