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COME HOME WE MISS YOU 💔💔💔

I PROMISE I'M NOT DEAD MY WRITER'S AND ARTIST'S BLOCK HAVE JUST BEEN KICKING MY ASS RECENTLY I'M SORRY, I ALSO WANT ME TO BE MAKING THINGS, IT'S JUST REALLY HARD

though, thank you for reminding me to actually post "truce (or whatever)" bc i WAS absolutely going to forget about it. sometimes writer's block leaves you along long enough for you to write 1.7k of self-indulgence, but god forbid you try to work on your long fic during the grace period skdjhfasdf

this accidental hiatus will be over when. my brain stops being soso mean to me all the time

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Truce (or Whatever)

finally remembered to actually post this

summary:

"Please come pick me up." "Okay. Okay, where are you?"

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and here it is! after three hours of audio editing and another hour fighting for my life against clipchamp to make the video (plus an hour of waiting for it to upload to tumblr lmao), i present to you, the waving through a window duet :3

feel free to use for all your duet needs, just link back to this tumblr page for credit. if you want the wav file without having to extract it from the video itself, shoot me a message and i'll send it over (or you can recommend a site for me to post it on, because i do not share audio visual stuff enough to know where the best places for these sorts of things are)

to get ahead of questions, the lyric split is the way it is because in my head this is the connor-evan duet i got myself thinking about last night at midnight, so i did the editing accordingly. this whole process wasn't like, painstaking and i still have the raw audacity file so, if you want a different lyric split for whatever reason, shoot me a message and we can work something out, this was sorta fun.

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only the most hinged activities are happening on my computer today

[image ID in alt text]

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sometimes i think about doing a connor animatic for the cover of waving through a window that owl city did and i feel like that probably says a lot about who i am as a person

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the fact that both my writer's and artist's block have stuck around all pride month is homophobia

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hello. i love you so fucking much by glass animals is a conguel album. send post.

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all of this can be broken, sitting in my other tab: hey, wanna do some plot wo-

me, working on the deeply unhinged conguel au that has an audience of Just Me, which i know i will never get into a publishable state instead: shhhhh i'm having enrichment time in my enclosure.

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i hope this doesn't come off as impatient but will miguel make an entrance soon in a few chapters? if its not too much, can you give us a chapter range (ex 1-5, 1-10, etc) 💔

assuming this is about all of this can be broken. i have some bad news about connor's current mental state-

(i confess, miguel is tagged as prominently as he is because he's such a consistent presence in connor's mind [something that will become more obvious in two or three chapters] not because he shows up physically soon. no spoilers, but he will appear, just,,,, not for a fair while)

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any updates on all of this can be broken? (sorry)

don't apologize, i don't mind!

and it's. going.

see the main problem with chapters 3 and 4 is that i have them going a very specific way in my outline, hell, chapter 4 was the first damn thing i wrote for this fic, because i knew from the beginning that it was critical to the story!

but. it was also the first thing i wrote for this fic, and one of the first things i wrote after getting back into deh, so, y'know, my grasp on character voice was a little looser than it is now. i was hoping i'd be able to fix that with a bit of editing, maybe a second or third draft, but instead i've realized that the actual set up point of the chapter. doesn't work. because it doesn't line up right with actions characters would actually take.

if it was a stand-alone fic that wouldn't be as big a deal, because sometimes you gotta contrive to get to the point, but since it's a core part of a much larger fic, that doesn't fly. so instead i have to. y'know. write, and figure out a different way to get to the same or a similar point that actually does line up with actions characters would take.

(i know that's all a bit vague but. no spoilers. y'know how it is)

anyway. i'm Struggling with that, is my point, lmao. there IS a solution, i'm SURE there's a solution, but actually finding it is, Taking a bit kjasdnfuasdhfsadf believe me, i don't want it to be taking this long either! writing is just! hard! for some reason!!!

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i ended up changing it to the laura marling lyric that is the current title, but the working title for all of this can be broken was a lyric from a dirt poor robins song off deadhorse, and i LOOOOVE the composition of the album cover so, i mean this was the natural extension of that

i'm very happy with how this came out even though it took me like two weeks lol

link to the fic

(click for quality) [image id in alt]

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no rush at all, take your time, but just wondering if all of this can be broken chapter 3 will be out soon??

sooooo funny story. actually.

despite having chapter four functionally finished, i have decided it doesn't do what i need it to do, actually, so i'm rewriting it for a fourth third fourth, i think fourth, time. and since chapter three is an extremely direct lead in and set up for chapter four it. kinda has to live in the limbo of both, being technically finished, and also not finished because i don't know how it'll need to change to account for how chapter four turns out.

so uh. soon! i'm hoping. but also. yeah idk chapter four is really important and i just, keep realizing it's not. doing the important job it has to do so, it keeps getting overhauled, and chapter three is collateral damage in that whole. thing.

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clawed myself out of art block to finish this piece bc <3 them <3

(still taking conguel/general deh drawing prompts/requests if you wanna help me with this art block)

(click for quality as always) [image id in alt text]

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i am so sorry about the wait. it will happen again.

but for the moment, ALL OF THIS CAN BE BROKEN CHAPTER TWO IS REAL!!!!!!!

read it here!!!

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two scenes, TWO SCENES!!!! and chapter two WILL BE DONE!!!!

promising NO deadlines but SOON HOPEFULLY!!! y'all have been so patient with me and i appreciate it asudfhausidhf

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*free pass to yap about any character/ship you want*

actually maybe this is my excuse to ramble about to break in a glove for entirely too many words. sorry if you wanted something else, anon, i've got fucking Thoughts

so like, to break in a glove isn't my favorite song to listen to off the soundtrack or anything, but i do fucking love how it's positioned as like, an exploration of larry's parenting strategies and his grief, and it's really good at doing that, and it also works as a great high for evan before everything finally crashes down around him

however, it also buries the lead in the first few lines.

"but he left it in the bag, with the tag still on"

so, we learn in the novel that connor's an artist, a reader. the various stage sets of his room reflect this, with the space largely populated with books over any other sort of clutter. evan even comments, when he's in connor's room for the first time, that he feels a kinship with him, because there's absolutely nothing sports related in connor's room, which is something they have in common.

and yet, larry's attempt to reach out was a baseball glove

there's also the inherent specificity in the fact that larry tells evan to keep it. despite the way larry says he bought the glove "a thousand years ago", it's an adult sized glove, if it had been bought for a little kid, it would be of no use to evan, so larry wouldn't have offered it. this wasn't like, trying to get connor interested in little league when he was a kid, this was bought recently, after connor developed a personality, at a point at which larry should have known at least the broad strokes of connor's interests

or at least, he'd know that connor doesn't play any sports, and really never has.

just, that continuing thread of the way people wanted connor to engage on their terms, and never engaged with him on his.

there's also the way it works as an evan-connor parallel moment, especially with the context that evan also doesn't like, really actually do sports either, because connor clearly saw it for what it was, a gift for the son his father wanted instead of the one he actually had, overly self-indulgent, more a gift for larry than for connor, and thus, he left it in the bag without a second thought, because he had no interest in it.

evan, though, who hasn't had a dad solidly in his life since he was little, is bonding with larry in this moment, and sees the glove as, this symbol of a father-son relationship that he's never had.

actually while i'm talking about parents and evan-connor parallel moments. god there's this BRILLIANT bit in the novel, when connor's hanging around the hospital, afterwards, and sees heidi looking up those college essays for evan, and comments on how he can't picture cynthia doing that sort of thing for him, "even though i was her life's work". just, the way that completes the parallel between connor and evan, the way evan wanted the stability of the murphys, but connor just wanted the sort of affection and care that heidi offers, that willingness to engage with evan on his level, in a way no one ever engaged with connor.

(which frankly i think could be a fucking fascinating dynamic to explore for someone writing one of those fandom-classic "connor lives and also him and evan actually become friends" fics, because holy shit the potential, but i digress)

my point with this whole post, is that the baseball glove is a microcosm of the failures that led to where connor ended up. that unwillingness on larry's part (on everyone's part, really), to engage with who connor was instead of who larry wanted him to be. like, yeah, the baseball glove was a genuine attempt to reach out to his son, but the fact that it was a baseball glove, singularly one of larry's interests, instead of anything that might actually bridge a gap between them, is a sign of how everyone ended up where they did.

yet another sign of the way people refused to meet connor where he was.

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42?

(re: this post)

Connor turns the water as hot as it will go, then sits down on the shower floor. The cool tile and scalding water pull his brain in two different directions, and he closes his eyes against the sensory input.

nothing like a too-hot shower to reset your brain amirite