mommabeawr-blog

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This hurts more than I thought it would or expected to...

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P h a s e

Fāz . Noun

a distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something’s development.

Phase, this is something my friend is saying that I’m going through. It’s quite interesting I suppose. I never thought that I’d be making the decisions that I’ve made for the past year or so. And to be honest…it’s fun lol. I’m truly enjoying this season of being single. Are you meant to be single forever? I don’t think so. I truly believe that God has someone for everybody…it’s just a matter of finding them and when. But while I’m in this season I really don’t want to think about all that. Yea I have a thought once in awhile of what it would be like being married…then the cloud of being cheated on already hovers over me. Do people really know what the meaning of being married is nowadays? I don’t want to risk committing my life to someone who could just ruin it in a matter of minutes. I then know that I need to let those things go and move my mind away from those thoughts in order to fully accept a new man with a new slate. A new man, new slate, a new level of trust and honesty. A new chapter in my life. I don’t want to move backward anymore, I constantly did that and it bought nothing but heartache, headaches and everything else.

I think something, or someone rather, will grace my trail once I truly enjoy my season of singleness.

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Summer.

July 16th 2017 10:52 a.m.

Man I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and I figured since I’m off on this beautiful Sunday that I should write about those things...I suppose.

I am so glad to be off today though, this week was sooo long, like unbelievably long. Every day I worked I kept thinking it was the weekend. I guess because I wanted to be off already. Even when I was off on one of my weekdays off I still thought it was the weekend, I still couldn’t focus on home life because I kept focusing on work, that is no-good. I’m starting to bring work home with me lately, for or more so for a while now, and it’s not fun at all. I feel like I’m missing out on so much with my daughter. Feels like every time I get her from my mother’s house that she’s speaking more and more, learning more and more like...she’s growing at a rapid speed and I’m not there to witness it. It’s hurtful and sad, I feel like a slacker as a parent most of the time. Especially since I’ve gotten out of school and started working more during the Summer. I’ve been told that it’ll be okay because you’re working for your baby and yourself and making sure things are taken care of. Which is indeed true, I’m working to save up, pay bills, and make sure we’re overall okay financially. I also wanna just take some off just to be with my baby and ultimately give my mother and grandmother a break from babysitting because I admit taking care of an active and hyper 3-year-old can be something else if it’s being done often as it has been. I have no other help besides my mother and grandmother and I truly feel bad every time I go to work and they have to watch her. They don’t complain, of course, never, but I still feel like a burden. Even after they have reassured that we aren’t, I still have that feeling. Smh. I wish I had help from her dad’s side of the family but they’re non-existent, so that leaves me to depend on my family as well as daycare, which I definitely don’t mind because she’s learning so much and has made so many friends lol.

I’m going to take a week or two off before school starts to spend time with my daughter before I go back to school. This Fall semester is going to be interesting because I’ll be going to school four days a week and basically all day on those days as well. Haven’t had a school schedule like this in years, I think maybe my freshman year?? And that was almost ten years ago...so this shall be very interesting. My baby loves me though and she knows I love her. I just don’t want to be one of those parents that never have time for their family because of the business of life...

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AntiBullying

Before I head out to work, I wanted to write a post about how feel about bullying.

I am absolutely against it, period. Oh..well duh of course you should be. Ha,  a lot of people don’t think like that, sadly. In this day in age you’d think a lot of things like like racism, bullying...would be well extinct, but guess what? It’s still alive and thriving. Smh. I just saw a video that was floating around on Facebook about a little 9 year old girl named Nasir, a young Black girl who attends a predominantly white school. This girl said that she’s been called names like “Nutella” and “Servant” and even has had food thrown at her by an office worker, an OFFICE WORKER!! An adult who works at the school people!!! WOW!

 School is suppose to be a fun, loving and safe environment for all children. Instead this is a place of horror, fear and pain for this young girl. This is sad, it shouldn’t be this way. For a worker at the school to even treat this young lady like this is extremely disgusting and insulting for me as an inspiring educator. Bullying starts at home, period. Doesn’t matter if one picked it up from someone else’s behavior, that behavior’s root is still from home. Then even if someone picked it up from someone else there’s still an root issue there: parents aren’t teaching their children from right and wrong behavior! So no there’s no excuses and there’s no way around bullying.

 My siblings and I were never bullies, instead we were the ones that always got picked on. Rather it was for our skin complexion, our weight, our intelligence or the way spoke and dressed. Sad isn’t it? I have a daughter and she’s being raised right now to not bully others and to not hit them. It’s NOT right!!! We have to raise our children to know that it’s okay to be different than their peers and it’s okay for them to be different from us. Period. Love and hate are both taught at home. Why aren’t we teaching our children to love and accept one another?

 We as human race have to do better. Smh.

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Crushing.

It's fun to have a crush, and to be honest, having multiple crushes can also be a lil fun and definitely interesting. I'll be completely so glenn come this June, and let me tell you it's been a smooth-saling journey lol. Being on someone's arm is fun, don't get me wrong, but having this freedom is something else too! Freedom to what? Screw whoever you want? Kiss whomever? Entertain whomever? Yeaa all that and more actually lol. Hooowever, in your time of singleness it doesn't mean go be a whore because that's definitely not the case with me. I've had a fwb in past months, late last year exactly but he's dead and gone. In that aspect anyway. He's back, but I've been avoiding him lol, I'm not stupid he misses the kitty lol but I dnt miss him. But anyway, crushes, I have a couple or few...a couple I probably shouldn't have and the others are cool. But there's one in particular that I've been entertaining more than others, he's almost the perfect package but something about him is sending me flags. I need to get to know him more first before I start making drastic decisions and assumptions. NOW, let me tell you, the sexual attraction is definitely there buuut I dnt wanna get into that so fast. As of lately my sexual hormones have been raging however they're just now settling down so that sexual attraction will of course be there but it won't be my main visual of him if you will. I know he can offer that, he's subliminally tried a couple times already...but...what else can be offered? Something truly worthy? Hm. I woke up this morning and I was thinking, maybe my crush for this guy is slowly depleting? It definitely feels like it (shrugs) they say they make time for the ones they want to make time for, I beleive that. Just something in my body is telling me he isn't trying to do that for me u less to sexual. But again, I can't make assumptions...

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First crochet weave ♡ everyone loved it !!

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So.

Last night I had a mental and emotional breakdown at work. Like I just blew up. Everything I've been feeling lately finally came out all at once....and here I am saying a d thinking I dnt keep things bottled in. I'm just trying to get better at not being stressed, irritated etc etc. But after work being a pain in the ass as well as one of my co workers, my sister and everything else before and in between I was NOT having it anymore. I cried, yelled, screamed smh. It made me feel a little better but not much. Today tho, is a better day for. Much much better day. Made it better to to hear from my crush, he called checking on me because he found out about it...glad he knows how I've been feeling. I know he has a busy life himself and I didn't want to overwhelm him with what's going on in my life. A couple ppl I know I can go to and just pour out but one were still getting to know each other and two like I said he's a busy man...and I definitely dnt wanna seem like a cry baby or a burden. I rearranged some things in mi home and cleaned, super therapeutic for me. I was also playing all of Bilals albums 😍 superrrr lol. I had a sit thought of hw earlier this morning and quickly erased it from my mind. I'm on spring break all this week with three straight days off from both school and work👐 I'm gonna relax!! May start working on some things maybe tomorrow or Wednesday well see! Man, felt good to just write a few sentences...I need I need to do a grade update on my school blog...

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Reblogging again

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I want to share my opinion about this photo I saw on Instagram. It was asking what if we lived in a world where women could express themselves without any judgement etc. A lot of people, surprisingly, I thought, liked the idea of women having arm pit hair. And there were also some who were being really negative and nasty about the picture too.

Like one person said on there it’s natural, there’s a reason why hair is grown there amongst other places on the body. Some people said it was just gross and can cause bad body odor, lol. A person can or will be musty regardless if they aren’t keeping that specific area clean…c'mon now.

I mean, it’s that woman’s body, she doesn’t have to keep her arm pits shaved, waxed, naired however you remove hair, to be just that: a clean woman. What does it matter to you what the next woman or man is doing with their arms pits anyway? Now, if you prefer to be bald under the arms that’s cool, nothing wrong with that, however it’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to be. Another point that was made was that some people are very sensitive under the arms and aren’t able to shave or wax because it’s simply too painful. And that it can cause decoloration of the skin, this also a true fact. I actually believe I have that now from shaving in the past, as well as using certain deordants. But anywho.

Society has us painted in this “you have to be this you have to be that in order to be a real woman” image that it’s making things that aren’t meant to be normal normal, and if you aren’t the societal normal then you’re dirty, weird, nasty or all the above. Let people be who they want to be without always having some kind of opinion about it.

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I'm more insecure now more than ever😔

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You are going to be so much more than ‘enough’ for someone someday.

(via walden-west)

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Home is where my God is.

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Jesus Christ looks out for the weak ones whom the world shoves to the wall. He puts His back to the wall and receives them into His arms.

Oswald Chambers (via craigtowens)

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Feelings.

Of course, I'm sure it's the music though. A lot of new, emotional, deep, great, sensual, smooth....music. Definitely is making me think a lot, about a lot. Smh, things I know I shouldn't be thinking about, things that I should be able to. I don't know. I miss being in love, I miss being able to call him mine. A lot has transpired this year, and I'm sure they're signs that I don't need to be in a relationship but let's face it, like I said I miss being in a relationship. It's fun, it feels good to give my love, affection and attention to someone, an opposite sex. I was so close to marriage yet to be set so many steps back from it, again. Maybe I'm not marriage material, what if love isn't meant for me? 💔 I mean, really? Am I really bitchy? Naggy? Selfish? Judgmental? Sassy? Scary? Stuck up? Outspoken? Am I all those things that I've been told I am? Are those the true reasons why my relationships don't work? Are those the true reasons why I've been lied to and cheated on? Eh, I don't know...hard to believe sometimes too because I get the total opposites of those, quite often...

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I hate how dysfunctional we are.

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Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

http://ifttt.com/missing_link?1479881183 (via dailybiblequote)

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Happy 3rd Birthday baby!!! Mommy loves you so much!!! I can't believe you're three now, wow. You're blossoming into a wonderful young lady already and you amaze me and our family everyday with something new! You are so loved!!! I'm so grateful and happy to be your momma!!! ♡ thank you Father for keeping her safe and giving her a new breath every morning, we love You, amen ♡