monkeyguidelines

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this is me manifesting the autumn.

the autumn chill that wakes me up

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there’s something very nostalgic that I’ll never be able to explain about watching the sunset at a parking lot

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this recurring dream-

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I have a disease called I can’t reply to your text. I love you

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came home drunk last night and got way too excited to see my cat

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not to sound like a victorian woman suffering from hysteria but i do think going to the sea would fix me

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the older i get the more sensitive i become to warm genuine words, like wow you really think that kindly of me? hold up, lemme cry

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sorry i can’t come over, im ill with the human experience

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this song came out right when I needed it. two years ago, just an intro of this songs was hurting me and it was hard listening to it. but now- now when I listen to this, I just remember the pain. like it's supposed to be there but it isn't. it's like I'm waiting for the heart ache to strike when that bridge comes. now I just sing and remember without any particular feelings towards the song. time heals, but you always remember that feeling, the sadness and pain in your chest. like you lost something that was important to you and you know you can never find it again.

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suddenly feels like high school all over again.

sometimes I really want to hurt myself but I can't go back to that and I'm really struggling with that. today more than usual.

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sometimes I really want to hurt myself but I can't go back to that and I'm really struggling with that. today more than usual.

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Always in a constant state of "hmm maybe I wasn't as normal in that conversation as I thought I was"

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“don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years

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i spend my days waiting. waiting for the water to boil and my tea to be ready. for spring to come back. for more daylight. the oil in the pan to heat up. a “hey i miss you” or “can you help me out for a second?” or “you want to hang out?” text. for my phone to finish charging. for good news. flowers on the table. the next hug. “hey, you got the job!”. waiting for the sun. to set. to rise. to see both. for summer to be around the corner. a good song. a falling star. a text back. i spend my time waiting to be remembered. i spend my time repeating that tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better. i spend my days waiting and waiting and waiting. i spend my days waiting unbearably.

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it's a taylor swift playlist.

but I wanted to say, "right where you left me" is one of my favourite songs of hers and sadly enough I could relate to it. I'm the girl who lives in delusion. so, whenever I listen to this heartbreaking masterpiece, there's one picture in my mind and when I first saw it I couldn't unsee it afterwards.

L’Absinthe by Edgar Degas is a perfect picture for this song.

"Help, I'm still at the restaurant

Still sitting in a corner I haunt

Cross-legged in the dim light"

"Dust collected on my pinned-up hair"

I just think it's a perfect fit.

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"And maybe it's the past that's talking

Screaming from the crypt

Telling me to punish you for things you never did

So I justified it"

"Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed"

"That was the night I nearly lost you

I really thought I'd lost you"