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moonchats · 2 years ago

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oh my god MY HEART HAS JUST BEEN RIPPED OUT MY CHEST

kiss with a fist | chapter nine.

masterlist 💋 chapters 💋 playlist

pairing: theodore nott x reader.

song inspiration: only love can hurt like this - paloma faith.

author's note: i'm truly sorry for this chapter. that's all.

The following week was the busiest you’ve ever been since term started. During the first two days alone, you had an exam in Alchemy, an essay in History of Magic, and a presentation for Charms. Combined with your prefect duties and the array of clubs and organizations you were involved in, you felt utterly drained by the time Wednesday finally rolled around.

You slumped into your usual spot at the Great Hall and muttered a greeting to the entire table.

“Merlin’s beard, you look more ghostly than Peeves,” said Mattheo. You glared at him in response, but opted to stay silent as you shoveled spoonfuls of mashed potato and gravy into your mouth. “Not even an insult, Y/N? Now I’m officially worried.”

“I’m exhausted,” you grunted. “I can’t even spare a single breath on how stupid your hair looks today, Riddle.”

Mattheo grinned. “And she’s back.”

You glanced around the table, not even realizing that you were searching for Theo until your gaze landed on his empty seat. You hadn’t seen him since the Hogsmeade trip, but you assumed it was because you’d skipped most meals to study at the library instead.

“Where’s Theo?”

Draco shrugged. “We thought he’d be with you.”

“I haven’t seen him all week.”

“Come to think of it, neither have I,” added Blaise. “Berkshire?”

Enzo looked up from his muffin. “I’ve only seen him in class. I figured he was studying with you, Y/N.”

“He’s probably just out for a smoke,” Pansy suggested.

It made sense. Theo did have a weakness for the little cancer sticks. You didn’t think much of it at the time, but when the week winded down to a halt on Friday morning and you still hadn’t caught a glimpse of Theo, you were beginning to think that something else was going on with him. He hadn’t accompanied you to feed Henry either, which you found extremely strange.

Ever since you first introduced him to the baby thestral, Theo never missed your visits to the Forbidden Forest. When you asked the boys, they said that while he did seem more moody and distant than usual, Theo still showed up to classes and quidditch practice. The only time he was noticeably absent was during meals at the Great Hall, which he obviously knew you would be present at. It might’ve been paranoia creeping in, but you were beginning to think that Theo was purposely avoiding you.

Fortunately, you had Potions with him that afternoon which would either confirm or disprove your suspicions. When you walked into the classroom, you did so with your head held high despite the obvious lingering discomfort from the slug club dinner. Professor Slughorn bowed his head as you took your seat, but you were too busy worrying about Theo to care. He was nowhere to be found.

You and Draco exchanged worried glances until Theo came bustling through the door exactly a minute before class started. He said nothing as he passed the aisle, skipping the table you usually shared to sit next to Malfoy. The blonde seemed surprised by this and shot you a questioning look.

Well, that all but confirmed it. Theo was definitely avoiding you.

You barely paid attention to the lesson as you racked your brain for a logical explanation. Was he mad at you about something? The last time you spoke had been the night of the Hogsmeade trip. You ate a perfectly pleasant dinner at the Three Broomsticks and even chugged a heinous amount of butterbeer together. On the trek back to the castle, Theo insisted on carrying your bags and kept hiding the fudge from you.

Nothing about that night indicated that he was upset with you. There had been that moment in the snow, but he had been annoyed with Mattheo and Enzo for the interruption more than anything else. Unless Theo had expected you to bring it up again, which you most definitely did not.

But still, you hardly thought that was a reason for him to suddenly give you the cold shoulder. Maybe he was embarrassed. Maybe he regretted it.

The possibilities weaved an endless thread of thoughts in your mind. By the time class winded down, you had given yourself a headache from thinking so much, which made you cranky and slightly angry because you realized that you hadn’t paid attention to a single thing Slughorn had said for the past hour and a half.

As your fellow classmates and professor filtered out of the classroom, you stayed behind and waited for the chance to talk to Theo. He seemed to be packing his things slowly, probably expecting you to grow impatient and leave before missing your next class. Sometimes it irked you how well Theo knew you.

You marched up to his table with your arms crossed.

Theo slowly looked up from his seat. “Can I help you with something, Y/N?”

“I haven’t seen much of you this week.”

He carelessly tossed a quill into his bag. “I’ve been busy.”

“Obviously.” You took a deep breath and pushed down your irritation. “I just...thought I’d check up on you. That’s all.”

“I’m fine,” he snapped.

“You haven’t shown up to any meals and you even skipped out on feeding Henry. Draco said you’ve been acting off all week.”

“Malfoy needs to mind his own goddamn business.”

You frowned. “He’s just worried about you, Theo. So am I.”

“I told you, I’m fine. Don’t bother worrying about me. I’m not your responsibility.”

“I never said you were,” you snapped back, barely leashing your annoyance. “If you want space, that’s fine but you don’t need to lash out at me or anyone else.”

Theo clenched his fists. “Well I’m sorry that my mood has become such an inconvenience, but seeing as none of you know how to leave me the fuck alone, I don’t really give a shit if you feel like I’m lashing out.”

His words lit a fuse in you until your irritation bubbled into anger. “What is your problem?” you bit out.

Theo rolled his jaw, averting his gaze. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“This,” you exclaimed, waving your hands over him in frustration. “This is what I’m talking about. I don’t know what I said or did to upset you, but obviously there’s a reason why you’re this pissed because you’ve been avoiding me all week.”

He sneered. “Please, don’t flatter yourself.”

You wanted to throttle him. You wanted to lean over the table, grab him by the collar, and shake him until he came to his senses, but you knew that nothing good would come out of this conversation if you stooped to his level of stubbornness.

“Why are you acting like this, Theo?”

For the first time that day, he looked up and met your gaze. Something unreadable flashed through his eyes, but Theo snuffed it out quickly. That mask of cocky arrogance, the one that he had lowered more and more over the past few months suddenly locked into place. It was painful to physically watch him put his walls up.

Those endearing dimples and playful sense of humor that you've grown so fond of were nowhere to be found. His lips curled into a sneer, those watercolour eyes devoid of emotion. There was no cheeky smile, no suggestive banter, no trace of the boy you had come to think of as your friend. This wasn't your Theo. You had no idea who the stranger standing in front of you was.

“Like what?” He said in a venomous tone. “This is how I’ve always been. You said it yourself. We’re rivals, remember? It’s not my fault that you thought we’d be anything more.”

“I thought we moved past this petty rivalry bullshit.” Your chest tightened as though someone had reached into your heart and wrenched it out of place. “I thought we were starting to become friends.”

“I am not your fucking friend, Y/N.”

You flinched and took a step back. Theo clocked your reaction and winced, but it was too late for his regret now. It felt like he had poured a cauldron full of acid over your head. A part of you wished he had instead. It would have hurt less.

Out of instinct, your defenses locked into place one by one. You laughed bitterly. “So what? You can fuck me, but you can’t even call me your friend?”

For a split second, Theo’s expression fell, but it was swiftly replaced by anger. “What did you expect? That we’d walk down the halls acting like we’re best mates? The Ravenclaw and her little Slytherin simpering after her like some fucking dolt? That’s not us. We fight, we fuck, and that’s it. Honestly, Y/N. I don’t know what the fuck you want from me!”

You could have let it go. Obviously you knew that there was a deeper reason why he was acting like this. You could have walked away and accepted that Theo was just incapable of communicating his feelings without pushing you away, but backing down from an argument had never really been your style. You were like a rabid dog with a bone. Incapable of admitting defeat.

“I want you stop being a fucking asshole and tell me why you’re so goddamn angry because obviously something’s set you off since we last spoke.” You rounded the corner of the table and got in his face. The chair made a scraping sound against the floor as Theo stood and easily towered over you. His height advantage didn’t deter you from pointing your finger in his face. “What is your fucking problem?”

Theo growled as he seized your wrist. “Don’t fucking push me, Y/N.”

You yanked your arm out of his grip and tugged at his tie. “Why not, Theo? Hm? Are you afraid that your little asshole charade will crumble the second you have a genuine moment? Godric fucking forbid you express an actual emotion without deflecting it with humor.”

He pushed you against the table, his eyes flashing like a dark sign in the ether. You knew it was a bad idea to push him, but you just couldn't help yourself. Something inside of you longed to activate the big red button of Theo's temper. “You have no idea how I feel.”

“That’s exactly the point! You hide behind that cocky, arrogant little smirk and you think it makes you strong, but it doesn’t. In fact, it makes you weak.”

“Shut up,” Theo snarled. “Shut the fuck up, right now.”

“Why don’t you fucking make me?”

As soon as the words came out of your mouth, you knew you would live to regret it. Theo smashed his lips against yours, cutting off whatever insult you were about to hit him with next. You gasped as he slipped his tongue inside your mouth, his kisses possessive and punishing.

“You drive me fucking insane,” Theo growled as he picked you up and placed you on the table as though you weighed nothing.

“And you don’t?” you shot back, pulling at the curls at the nape of his neck. “You’re so frustrating that it makes me want to fucking scream.”

His teeth grazed your neck and he bit down hard. “Why is it that you insist on having the last word every time? Why can’t you just leave things alone?”

“Why can’t you stop being a prick and say whatever it is that you want to say instead of throwing a goddamn tantrum?” You retorted as you unlooped his tie. “You’re not a child, Theo. You need to grow the fuck up!”

He nearly ripped the buttons off of your shirt, his hands shaking with anger and anticipation. “Oh, like you’re so fucking mature. Cornering me. Riling me up. You knew exactly what you were doing, Y/N.”

“What was I supposed to do?” You said angrily as you undid his belt. “Making you angry seems to be the only way to get you talking.”

“If it wasn’t already fucking obvious, I don’t want to talk!”

“So what? You just want to sit around and pout, leaving the rest of us to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“No,” he growled, gripping your thighs so hard that it was sure to leave marks. “What I want is to fuck out my frustrations until I stop feeling so goddamn angry.”

“So fucking do it already!”

“Bend over,” Theo snarled, spinning you around until your back pressed against his chest. “Bend the fuck over right now.”

You leaned over the table, your cheek pressed against the smooth surface as Theo pumped himself behind you. He hiked your skirt above your waist and palmed you through your soaked panties. Theo hissed when he felt how wet you were for him. He didn’t even bother removing your thong, opting to push it to the side before slotting himself inside of you.

“Fuck,” Theo cursed, bracing himself against the table. “God, you’re so tight.”

“Stop talking and fucking mo—“

You didn’t get the chance to finish your sentence before Theo thrusted sharply into you. He chuckled darkly as your moan echoed off the walls. Theo ripped the scrunchie holding your braid together and gripped your hair in one hand while the other pressed gently against your throat.

“I told you,” he whispered harshly, his lips pressed against your neck. “There’s nothing I enjoy more than fucking the attitude right out of you. Not so brave now, are you Y/N?”

“Fuck you, Theo.”

“Technically I’m fucking you,” he said with a smirk.

The pace he set was punishing. You were vaguely aware of glass breaking and books scattering to the ground, but you didn’t care. This was familiar. Fighting with your bodies made sense to you.

All of the pent up feelings and tension made you anxious. It was a disaster waiting to happen. The anger within you was Mount Vesuvius, boiling and roiling with hot magma, ready to explode and erupt at any given moment, while whatever complicated relationship that had blossomed between you and Theo served as Pompeii. There was nothing strategic or logical about any of this, but at this moment, you wanted nothing more than to lose yourself in angry, meaningless sex.

Except it wasn’t meaningless. Not really. Because when Theo turned you around and placed you over his lap, you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“Look at me, Y/N.” You clamped your eyes shut. You didn’t trust yourself not to cry if you opened them right now. Theo caressed your cheek. “Please, just look at me.”

“Why?” you asked, your voice breaking. “What good would that do?”

“I want to see your eyes,” he answered. “I need you to see what you've done to me. I need you to see that you've wrecked me, ruined me. I can't breathe when you're around and it's even more painful when you aren't. I feel like I've gone mental. You've lodged yourself so deep that I wouldn't be able to get you out even if I ripped my heart out of my chest."

“Don’t,” you hissed, snapping your eyes wide open. You felt like a cornered animal, lashing out at the closest thing. “I don’t want to hear it, Theo. You’re only saying that because we’re having sex and you want to clear your conscience. Don’t fucking bother. We can fuck and get it out of our systems one last time without you feeling guilty about it.”

Theo stiffened. The gravity of your words rolled over him like the eruption that had destroyed the ancient Roman city. Whatever precarious thing that may have existed between you died right then and there. Everything turned to ash and the bitterness of destruction lingered in your mouth, choking you with its acrid taste. Theo pried himself away from you and angrily pulled his clothes back on.

“Is that what you think this is?” He seethed, his voice dripping with venom. “Just a quick fuck to get it out of our systems?”

You tugged your shirt back on and smoothed over the front of your skirt. “What?” you challenged. “It’s like you said, Theo. We fight, we fuck, and that’s it.”

His expression crumpled as you threw his words back at him. It tasted like ash in your mouth, but the bitterness was nothing compared to the ache in your chest as Theo pinned you with his gaze. There wasn't any trace of anger left in him. Instead, you saw nothing but disappointment.

It struck you harder more than his fury would have. You didn’t understand why he was acting like this. Theo was the one who pushed you away first. You were just returning the favor.

Those watercolor eyes that had become so familiar to you had never seemed farther, like they belonged to a complete stranger. “I may be weak for hiding my feelings, but what does that make you?” His wounded expression cut you to the core. “You’re always so smart, so calculated. Two steps ahead of everyone else. There isn’t an argument that you aren’t determined to win." His lip trembled as he averted your gaze. "Well, I’m done fighting. No matter what I do, you just keep rebuilding that impenetrable armor of yours and I’m tired of trying to break through, Y/N.”

There had never been anything more tragic than the look of absolute defeat on Theo’s face. You watched in silence as he walked out of the empty classroom.

It might’ve been minutes or hours later before you finally peeled yourself off of the table. You walked through the dungeons alone, feeling cold and numb. The sun had started to set over the horizon when you finally made it back to Ravenclaw Tower. You held yourself together until you opened the door to your dorm. Luna took one look at you before rushing to your side.

Your friend caught you just before you crumpled to the ground. Luna held you in her arms as you sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Somewhere deep within you, a dam had broken and all of the emotions and tears and ugly, complicated feelings that you kept contained behind a steel wall of logic spilled out of you in waves.

“It’s alright,” Luna whispered, rubbing your back. “It’s going to be alright, Y/N.”

You didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was wrong. Nothing would ever be alright again because you hadn’t just watched Theo walk out of that empty potions classroom.

You watched him walk out of your life as well.

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