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moonexile · 11 months ago

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i finished reading tua: young blood, and there are many quotes + extra thoughts i want to save for luther (more thought than i would ever give the comics, but i digress). not expecting anyone to read this because it’s just me rambling for a very long time, but where else am i to put this... ✨

Luther doesn’t need to ask Hargreeves for the exact numbers; he knows he saved the most victims. He’s Number One; the strongest, the leader. “Hurry up, Boy Scout,” Diego calls as he bounds ahead. He says it like it’s supposed to be an insult, but Luther takes it as a compliment—Boy Scouts are always prepared, they always do the right thing, they believe in community and civic duty. Not that Luther’s ever actually been a Boy Scout. But that’s what he’s heard about them. People often don’t realize how strong Luther is just by looking at him. He’s fit but not super-ripped—it’s not like his muscles burst his jacket every time he flexes. Then again, that could be because Mom custom-made his jacket and reworks it every time he grows so much as an inch.

this book is separated by their different perspectives, and every time we’re in luther’s, there’s a lot of overcompensating in his words — like you can hear the way he’s second guessing himself, but this is how it’s supposed to be, so this is how he's supposed to feel. he’s number one, so he’s supposed to be the best, he's supposed to save the most people. he and diego have very different views on what a mission is about; luther thinks it’s about protecting and rescuing, diego thinks it’s about justice.

so of course diego writes off luther’s behavior as being a boy scout. and of course luther hardly knows what a boy scout really is, given the way they were raised, but it feels right. the way he describes a boy scout is exactly how he aspires to be. not a soldier.

also, there’s a lot to be said about how luther doesn’t look like he has super strength. we see that in the flashbacks — he’s really skinny but really tall. he's aware that he doesn’t look super ripped, but he carries himself as if he is.

Luther can feel the blood pumping in his veins, the adrenaline winding down, the high that comes after all that action. He presses his feet into the hardwood floor, relishing the way the wood shifts under his weight, knowing he’s strong enough to kick a hole through the floor. He’s so pumped that he has to stop himself from throwing the cup down and watching it shatter into a thousand pieces on the floor. Carefully, he forces himself to put the glass gently back on Mom’s tray. Despite his best efforts, he cracks it after all, just from gripping it too tightly. “Don’t know my own strength.” […] Luther’s still not done growing, still not done putting on muscle, not done getting stronger. He hopes that his jacket will soon get tight beneath his arms, the collar of his shirt pinching beneath his Adam’s apple, and Mom will have to tailor his uniform all over again. He wonders just how big and strong he’ll end up. […] But tonight, Luther has to concentrate to keep his hands still. He wants to get back out there, save another life, solve another mystery. At the very least, he wants to head to the gym and pump some iron. He needs something to do with this energy.

i’ve mentioned this before but luther's body is the weapon, one that he doesn’t get to turn off and on, which means he will often make ‘mistakes’ like this because he’s not always aware of his own strength despite all the training— because he is not wielding a weapon or using some technique. it’s just him. he likes the idea that he is capable of doing these things, but that doesn’t mean he actually wants t.o. so when it happens inevitably, he thought it might have been impressive, but after his body alteration, it comes with a lot more shame, because he’s more unaware of how much space he takes up and does not know that body well enough and it makes him even clumsier, which is often embarrassing.

and of course after a mission is when his adrenaline is at an all time high. he likes a job well done (or so he thinks it is) because this is all he really has — their missions, using their training + powers, working as a team, helping people. this is all he gets out of life and he does it proudly.

also, the foreshadowing of not knowing how big or strong he’ll get hurts me so bad. because he gets that wish, in the worst way, used against him, and he only ever hates himself for it.

He’s too psyched to really be sorry about anything right now. He can still feel the arms around him from all the people who hugged him and thanked him for rescuing them. A waste of time, Hargreeves would say (the Hargreeves in his head did say), so Luther had to cut the hugs short even though he wanted to linger. Not like Klaus, who took in the adulation with glee. […] The best part of the mission, Luther thinks, was pulling people from the rubble. Breaking into the fracking company’s offices to expose them was fine and all—but nothing like the high of saving people’s lives in the moment. He wonders what those people are doing now. What they might say to the Umbrella Academy if given the chance. […] “It was still a rescue mission,” Luther interjects. He can feel dusty, desperate fingers intertwined with his own as he pulled survivors from the rubble. He can still hear people saying “Thank you!” and “You saved me!” and “How could this happen here?”

there’s a lot here — it’s not just praise or attention that luther seeks, it’s connecting with people and seeing that he helps actual people. they don't actually get to meet people on their missions. they do their job and they go on their way. but luther doesn’t want to save people just to look good or just to get the praise; he wants to save people because he cares about people.

and he is so desperate for connection because all he has is his siblings and no life beyond the academy. the missions are his only chance to actually talk to people — but he doesn’t really get to do that, because they have tasks to complete and then go on their way. that’s why these moments afterwards, when people are thanking them, are so important to him. he gets to see their impact and it’s really fulfilling — even more than the action itself, though i don’t think he always realizes that.

but still, he holds himself back from it. because it’s about what dad wants, not what luther needs. and he's constantly got his father’s voice in the back of his mind telling him how to behave — which means as much as he wants to connect with these people, he doesn’t get to, because that's not their job.

“From the beginning, Number One,” his father corrects, and Luther winces. He hates when Hargreeves’s temper is turned on him, even though it happens so rarely.

there are so many hints in the show that luther always knew his father wasn’t good and that he did actively hurt them — especially luther, though he didn’t see it — but he buried it so far down because he doesn't know how to accept it. and there are a lot of hints of that in this book too, most of which luther continues not to budge on.

he hates when the temper is turned on him because he’s not used to it — he’s used to seeing it on his other siblings, and he contributes to it, too, following dad’s lead and being hard on them when he has to be, too. but it’s not just because he thinks he’s the favorite child that can’t do anything wrong in his father’s eyes — he constantly feels like he could do something wrong, is constantly on edge, and does know his father hurts him. he just can’t accept it.

Luther’s power isn’t nearly as flashy or strange, but it’s every bit as useful: He’s really strong.

always see people say luther’s power is “obviously” the worst / least important. and while i do think the numbers are based on least powerful - most powerful + which of them is easiest - hardest to manipulate, i never really understand people counting out super strength in general, so i love this part of the book + it being in luther’s perspective, because he likely gets insecure about it too, but— it's a versatile power that can help him in many different ways, many different places, and it doesn’t matter if it’s “flashy” or unique.

If Luther had his way, they probably would’ve politely knocked on the oil company’s door. […] Luther doesn’t like to do the dirty work, but Diego doesn’t let anything stop him from finishing a job.

diego doesn't think luther likes to do the dirty work, because luther doesn’t really know how. he doesn’t know how to focus on the fight before the people. he doesn’t want to see the worst in people. he wants to believe that people are good, that they don’t have to fight and kill to stop them from doing the wrong thing — that maybe they’ll listen to them, that the umbrella academy will have enough influence on them that way. but that’s not how they were trained.

Luther looks incredulous, like he can’t imagine there’s a point to having powers beyond being vigilantes. […] “Not being normal is a privilege,” Luther says.

he does not think there’s anything for them to offer the world if they’re not superheroes. because their powers have to mean something (he’d spiral if he starts thinking about what’s left of them if they don’t.)

he thinks not being normal is a privilege because he knows nothing else. he’s programmed into believing that this is all he is, and it’s a gift. if he questions that, then he’ll have no idea who he is (but he already doesn’t know. he’s just not accepting that, either.)

“You’re wasting your breath, Allison,” Diego fumes. “Mr. Goody Two-Shoes is too scared to break even one little rule.” Now Luther stands. He’s so strong that when he knocks his chair over, it cracks even though Viktor’s sure he doesn’t mean for it to, just like the glass he broke earlier. “I’m not scared of anything,” Luther growls. […] “Of course we want to go,” Luther says, but he doesn’t sound certain. Klaus suspects that some part of Luther is hoping Hargreeves will stop them before they get out the door.

if anyone else said that, luther might’ve agreed in a way that reminded them all that their rules were important. but since it was diego, and it’s spoken like an insult, luther has to fight back — because that’s how it is with diego. and he definitely doesn't want to be perceived as scared to diego.

klaus thinks luther will be the first one to crack when they sneak out of the house. and he’s probably correct — luther is scared, he doesn’t know how to be a person beyond number one, but he doesn't want to say that out loud or be the one to stop his siblings’ fun, which is why it seems easier if their father is the one who stops them.

From the next dressing room, Luther steps out wearing a tuxedo that’s at least two sizes too small. […] Luther slips back on his familiar sport coat. It doesn’t match, and Allison knows it: It’s navy blue, clashing with the tuxedo’s sleek black pants, and the Umbrella Academy patch Mom sewed over Luther’s heart is unmistakable. But it feels better than the stranger’s jacket. Luther can’t help noticing just how much more comfortable it is, and not just because Mom tailored it to fit his body perfectly.

luther having the opportunity to pick any kind of clothing and going with a tux is so. he consistently doesn’t know (or frankly, care) about style.

but all he knows is the academy. so of course he feels more comfortable in his uniform, and not because of how it fits him perfectly. it feels more like him (or the version of him he thinks he has to be) and it helps ground him, makes him feel like they’re not totally losing themselves for a night out — even though that’s likely what his siblings wish he felt.

“What do you think Klaus meant, ‘You break it, you buy it’? We don’t have any money.” As Luther says it, he thinks for the first time that it might be strange: He’s seventeen years old, and he’s never actually handled cash, never had a credit card, never stepped up to a counter in a store to make a purchase. He remembers that when they were little, they had a toy cash register with plastic coins. He and Allison used to pretend they were running a grocery store, charging their siblings every time they sat down for breakfast and lunch. Come to think of it, that’s the closest Luther’s come to actually buying something. […] “We can’t just steal.” Luther is horrified. The Umbrella Academy captures thieves; they don’t become them. […] “Besides, we’ll leave our uniforms behind, so it’s like a give-a-penny, take-a-penny tray.” “A what?” Luther asks desperately. He hates this feeling—Klaus is the only one of them with experience out in the world, so he seems so much wiser than Luther. […] Luther resolves that he’ll come back here tomorrow. With money. Somehow. He’ll pay for what they took. And retrieve their uniforms. He picks his siblings’ discarded clothes up off the floor and brings them to the front desk. “I’ll be back tomorrow,” he promises. “Can you hang on to these for me?” […] “They’re not costumes. They’re uniforms.” The clerk doesn’t respond, so Luther repeats it louder.

i love these notes about how different their lives are beyond just having superpowers. they really don’t know how life works. but luther still knows enough to know they’re doing something wrong.

he immediately puts them next to the usual bad guys they come across: they’re bad because they’re thieves, so what makes him and his siblings better in this case? and it’s really stressing him out to not understand the world, but he’s also so afraid of actually learning, too — even if he doesn’t necessarily realize that.

so of course the only solution he can think of is to come back the next day, even though sneaking out is already scary enough one time, because he wants to do what's right. because that’s important to him.

The clerk reaches out for the clothes just as Luther sees a flash of light out of the corner of his eye. Thanks to Hargreeves’s training, Luther’s first instinct is to suspect danger and protect the innocent. Before he has time to think, Luther is diving over the desk to tackle the clerk to the ground. “What the hell?” the clerk screams, but his voice is overwhelmed by the rumble of thunder so loud, it’s like it’s coming from inside the planet instead of the sky above. The light flashes again. In an instant, Luther’s on his feet. […] “It was an emergency,” Luther insists. “It’s a thunderstorm,” Ben says. “You’ve just been so brainwashed into thinking every outing is a mission that you believe a little bit of thunder is a cause for alarm.” “A little bit of thunder?” Luther echoes incredulously. Whatever it is he’s hearing, it’s not a little bit of anything. Still, something in Ben’s voice makes him waver for a single heartbeat—did Ben say they were brainwashed?

luther didn’t hesitate to try to protect someone when he assumed they were in danger, because that’s how he’s trained—and this is probably exactly how he’d be if he actually left the academy when they were teens. he liked would’ve gotten in his own way more often than not (he didn’t here, he was saving someone, but he also jumped so fast that even his siblings were confused).

he doesn’t know how to be out without it being a mission and ben’s right, that’s how he’s trained. luther stopping at “did ben say they were brainwashed?” gives a hint that he has considered it, though likely not deeply or for long, because it feels like betrayal for him to even question their father.

Luther goes straight into mission mode: He struggles to lift bricks off the person’s body, just as he did hours ago upstate. He gets that same feeling—that good feeling, that right feeling—like he knows exactly what to do. […] “Always so quick to play hero,” Diego sneers. “I saw the way you ran in to save that clerk.” […] Luther shakes his head. What did he ever do to make his brother hate him so much? Hargreeves assigned him Number One; he didn’t choose it. It’s simply what he was meant to be, like Diego was meant to be Number Two. […] Ben would say he’s so used to saving the day that he’s trying to turn a coincidence into a mission. He doesn’t have time for silly distractions and invented conspiracies.

luther rarely knows what to do — especially on this outing — but when someone needs saved, it’s like muscle memory to him, and he can feel that pride again. it’s the first time since they left home that he does actually feel like himself again, because he’s doing what he thinks he’s supposed to be doing: saving people, completing a mission, acting on instinct.

it’s the only way he feels any kind of satisfaction. because it’s all he knows. always quick to play the hero because he doesn’t know what else he's supposed to be— even when he’s wrong.

more luther convincing himself that he’s supposed to be number one despite the question of doubt in the back of his mind wondering why.

Luther waves as his siblings walk away. “I’ll catch up in no time,” he promises, but the truth is, now that he’s all alone with an unconscious person at his feet, he doesn’t have the slightest idea what to do. Rushing into a crumbling building is easy. Luther and his siblings have been training for that their whole lives. Dealing with the aftermath is something else entirely. The Umbrella Academy have never stuck around after a mission to clean up the mess they left behind. […] “You called the ambulance and waited with him?” the other EMT asks. “Yeah,” Luther says. “Good job,” the paramedic says, patting him on the back. “Not everyone would do that for a stranger.” Luther glows under the praise, and he holds up a hand in a salute as the ambulance rides away. He hopes the boy will be okay. He kind of wishes he’d gotten his name, so he could check up on him tomorrow. But how could he check up on him once they’re back home? If Luther tried to go to the hospital, Hargreeves would want to know why, and Luther could never explain. Unlike Luther, Klaus would be able to come up with a cover story on the spot, but Luther’s a terrible liar.

he knew exactly what to do when he thought someone was in danger. and he knows they can’t just leave someone hurt and alone like this. but he also doesn’t know what happens in the aftermath. he’s always wanted to stick around, wanted to take care of people afterwards or get to know them or connect with anyone, but it's never been an option. though now when he gets to (both because he wants to and because he’s avoiding that frat party a little longer), he’s lost. and he’s not used to feeling lost.

Is this how Luther feels leading a mission? Like he’s doing everything right? Partying is the only thing that’s ever come naturally to Klaus. Maybe because he wants it more than he’s ever wanted anything else. Which means what Luther wants most is to lead a mission. Klaus can’t imagine wanting to be in charge that much.

Luther can’t remember the last time he’d been alone. Technically, he isn’t alone—there’s the boy on the ground, and the kid from the thrift shop is hovering nearby, having called the ambulance. But still, except for sleeping at night and getting ready in the morning, this is the longest Luther has been without the endless soundtrack of his siblings’ voices. […] The paramedics rush over, rolling the boy onto a flat board, then lifting him onto a stretcher. It takes two of them to do it. They could’ve just asked me to do it, Luther thinks.

Luther is Number One; Diego is Number Two. If Mom hadn’t given them names, they’d never have been anything else.

Of course it is. Of course everything went to hell without Luther in charge. That’s why the Umbrella Academy needs a Number One.

“Everybody!” she yells. “These guys are from the Umbrella Academy!” Luther relaxes, expecting that he’ll have to give an autograph or two, be asked how many people he can lift up at one time, that sort of thing. Everyone will listen when Luther tells them they need to evacuate the house while he and his siblings investigate. But instead, there’s a murmur across the crowd that sets Luther’s teeth on edge. “I remember the Umbrella Academy!” someone else shouts. “They were those freaks that went around fighting crimes like a miniature police department.” Laughter. They’re laughing. The Umbrella Academy is a joke to these kids.

so used to the praise they get because they’re on the scene that he doesn’t realize that they may just be a joke outside of it. because he doesn’t consider these people who may seem normal — he doesn’t know what the perception of them is beyond that.

he’s used to people looking at him like he’s the hero in those situations and it’s confusing when it's not like that. because they’re only ever out on missions, they’re never just… hanging out somewhere like this. it’s like a culture shock for him.

he was confused at the thrift shop when the clerk said their uniforms could be used as halloween costumes. he takes pride in it being a uniform.

Luther will never leave now that this feels like a mission. He’s practically programmed to fix problems instead of walk away from them, even problems that are none of his business.

this is genuinely such good foreshadowing for season one of the show. he’s supposed to be the one to fix problems, and even when he doesn’t have the answer, he feels like he still has to give one. he’s often getting in his own way because of that, inevitably hurting people instead of helping them, even though all he wants is to fix the problem.

he doesn’t know how to mind his own business at a party like that. because he can’t just do nothing — he's looking for threats, he’s waiting for some kind of sign that this will turn into a mission, because it's all he knows.

“It’s not fair,” Luther says suddenly. “What’s not fair?” Allison shouts above the din. “We had each other. We had Hargreeves teaching us how to use our powers. Ryan probably didn’t have anyone. And the rest of these kids definitely don’t have anyone.” […] “They’re not lucky like we are,” he insists. “They didn’t have Dad.” […] “We’re not his collection,” Luther insists. “We’re his kids.” “Not sure Dad knows the difference,” Ben says, so quietly that Luther isn’t sure he heard him correctly.

luther thinking they’re the lucky ones because they had dad vs. his siblings desperate to be normal like these people they’re meeting. luther genuinely thinking that their father is someone who is dad to them, who sees them as their kids vs. his siblings thinking they’re just a collection, just his soldiers.

he thinks the only safe place for them is in the academy. he thinks that’s where they belong. he has one night out, sees a kid like them, knows he’s in danger, and thinks the only solution is to bring him home. he’s never had another option so he can’t comprehend someone else might.

“Listen,” Luther takes a deep breath, puffing out his chest. “I’m in charge here. And I say we bring him home.” “You’re not in charge of anything,” Diego counters. “This isn’t a mission.” “It turned into one,” Luther insists. […] And leave it to Luther’s holier-than-thou, glass-half-full attitude to see this as a rescue mission instead of what it really is. At best, they could call it an extraction: Get Ryan out of here and back to the academy so Dad can take charge. [...] Luther and Diego practically looked like they’d won something the instant they realized they could turn tonight into a mission, even if they didn’t exactly agree about what the mission should be. It’s like they were relieved when something went wrong.

“Why is this happening?” Luther shout. Viktor knows that Luther expected Ryan to embrace him, because he thinks everyone wants to be like him. Not in an obnoxious, self-satisfied way. Okay, maybe he’s a little self-satisfied, but Viktor can’t blame Luther for that. For most of Luther’s life, everyone has wanted to be like him. Number One in the Umbrella Academy, the star of every mission, handsome, tall, strong. It’s as though Luther was built to be a mannequin for an old-fashioned “teen boys” section at a department store. If they’d gone to a regular high school, Viktor thinks suddenly, Luther would’ve been homecoming king. Star of the football team.

the idea of luther being the popular kid in high school is so real but also… so opposite of who he actually is. because the luther we know doesn’t know how to make friends that easily and doesn’t actually have that kind of confidence. of course it's how he's perceived; he’s perceived as powerful and popular and the kind of person everyone wants to be. but they don’t really know him. luther doesn’t even really know himself.

“Remember, these are kids just like us! We want to neutralize them, not kill them!” Diego shakes his head. Luther always wants to see the best in everyone, but Diego knows better.

that’s really his fatal flaw until he does try to act and acts wrongly because of it.

Maybe Hargreeves will give him an assignment like this someday. Guard some very important (non-dangerous) person and keep them safe. Luther thinks he’d be good at that. It’s a big part of his job already—being Number One means keeping an eye on his siblings during a mission, ensuring that everyone makes it out alive. And he’s succeeded so far. When Five disappeared, it wasn’t during a mission but in a fight with Hargreeves. Luther can’t be held responsible for that. Though he can’t help feeling guilty about it either. […] Yes, he would make an excellent bodyguard, if Hargreeves ever chose that sort of mission for him. After herding all of his siblings, being in charge of just one person would be like taking a break. It’s almost enough to make him laugh.

But for Luther, nothing feels better—or more fun—than leading a mission. It’s what he knows best. That’s why he’s Number One, right? Even though every mission is different from the one before, it’s like his body knows exactly what to do each time—like muscle memory in reverse, if such a thing exists.

luther thinks being a body guard would make sense for him, and he’s correct. he doesn't want to fight, he wants to protect people. he doesn’t want to stop the bad guys, he wants to be the one rescuing those in need. it’s something positive he can do with his powers and it actually would be fulfilling for him.

luther feeling guilty for five’s disappearance because he’s number one and he's the one who is supposed to keep his siblings safe — no it didn’t happen on a mission but he still feels responsible for them all no matter where they are. i stand by my theory that luther resented five for assuming he left intentionally, but he also felt guilty, like it was his job to keep him safe / keep him here. that resentment eventually turns into guilt, then to grief.

This is what happens, Luther thinks, when people with powers aren’t trained the way me and my siblings were. Hargreeves taught them to work as a team, to work in tandem, and to never leave a teammate behind. He taught them loyalty. But these people—Ryan’s so-called friends at this fancy college—Luther doubts they know the meaning of the word.

luther thinking he taught them loyalty when really, their father just manipulated the situation and made them feel in debt to him — his siblings broke free of that, but he never did, not until his father was dead. and it held him back for too long.

He recalls how it felt when that boy hugged him—the one who’d had snakes for hair like a gorgon. Hargreeves never lets them linger after a mission, reflecting on what they did right instead of what they did wrong. He certainly never let them actually spend time with any of the people they saved. It felt so good to actually connect with someone tonight.

“We saved lives tonight!” Luther can’t believe he has to point this out. Again. “Don’t you get how good this feels? Allison, come on—saving the world should feel good!” Luther rolls his shoulders down his back. He’s glad he ended up wearing his uniform sport coat all night. He’s proud of the insignia embroidered on the chest. Of course, he ended up leaving it behind at the fraternity house after he used it to extinguish some flames. He wonders if the fire department will find it in the rubble. “Yeah, it should,” Allison agrees halfheartedly. “It’s just . . .” “Just what?” Luther is genuinely confused. “Do you think it feels good because—I don’t know, because it’s what we’ve been trained to do?” “I don’t think you need training to feel good because you averted a disaster that could’ve sent the Earth spinning off its axis.” […] There’s nothing Luther would rather use his strength for. Maybe he wasn’t born a leader—maybe Hargreeves made him one. No, Hargreeves must’ve sensed Luther’s leadership skills from the day he brought him home as a baby. Otherwise, why would Luther be Number One? For the first time, Luther tries to imagine himself as an infant, brought to this enormous house. He tries to picture himself tiny and helpless: It’s impossible. Still, he knows that he was once small and vulnerable. He wonders if Hargreeves ever held him, but that’s even harder to imagine. He can picture Mom holding a baby, even Pogo, but not Dad.

luther has always questioned the ranking system. he just doesn’t allow himself to really dwell on it. he assumes it was always his destiny and that it always made sense. because if he starts to question it, then he’ll lose himself.

Tonight, Luther was a leader without Hargreeves pulling the strings. He led his siblings to a victory. And it felt great. That’s the truth, even if the others can’t understand it.

(via Diego's perspective) A real leader would do whatever it takes to keep his team safe, however unsavory. That’s why Luther will never be a real leader. His cheerful Boy Scout mentality will always get in the way. [...] (via Ben's perspective) Ben marvels that Luther’s voice still sounds cheerful. For a moment, he wonders if that’s Luther’s true superpower: the ability to see the best in everything.

obsessed with the different views from diego and ben re: luther. diego sees luther's ability to see good in everyone and want to protect rather than hurt as a hindrance to his leadership; ben sees it as a superpower. and both seem to be reflected in their dynamics.

also - they're both right. it is very powerful that luther can still see the world that way despite reginald's training. it also often gets in his way - not just on a mission - but in simpler decisions when it feels like instinct.

Viktor sees that Luther never feels better than when he’s successfully led a mission. When Hargreeves criticizes his performance, he reminds Viktor of a wounded dog, begging for another chance to prove he can do better.

in season 3, luther mentions reginald being hard on their performance reviews. five says he always got five stars, and luther was surprised by that. my interpretation of that scene has always been that reginald was intentional with his reviews - luther likely strived to be his very best with no mistakes every single time. he likely deserved 5 stars, but reginald had to keep him motivated, and if number one wasn't getting 5-star reviews, that meant luther was going to keep trying harder - because luther has always been reginald's easiest weapon to manipulate.

viktor describing him this way after the criticisms just supports that. based on that theory that's exactly what reginald wanted from him. he wanted to knock him down so luther would keep trying even harder to impress him, no matter how hard it hurt him.

#hc.#study.

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moonexile · 11 months ago

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okay based off this map of the timelines:

2002: five blinks forward, vanishing, leaving luther to assume that he gave up on the family / team.

2006: ben died, ultimately leading to the downfall of the umbrellas as a team and as a family.

2007: diego left home, and everyone else but luther started to follow.

2007 - 2012: luther is now the only sibling left at home, still operating the umbrella academy as the sole remaining member. five years of living in that house alone, still trying to go on like this is how he's supposed to be living, that he's still doing something that matters.

2012: reginald sends him on a dangerous mission that nearly kills him; to save his life, he experimentally alters luther's body without his consent and gives him ape-like physiology.

2012-2015: luther is mostly bedridden, he's no longer going on missions. news of his transformation is not made public (was not under the impression that there was this much time between his accident and the moon, but i'm still going with this) so his siblings don't know exactly what happened to him; all they know is that he was in a near-fatal accident and reginald saved his life. luther wouldn't want them to know exactly what happened and he'd be terrified of them actually seeing him in that condition - but he's still really hurt by the fact that no one visits him within those 3 years after that news. it makes it very clear to him that he really has no purpose at all anymore, if he can't be a superhero and he's hardly even a brother anymore. he still wants to leave home, but he's not comfortable with himself either. he doesn't leave the house. this is his first taste of complete-isolation.

2015: viktor releases his memoir. (there's a slight timeline change here because the flashbacks in season 1 show that luther reads viktor's book before his transformation, but that's fine), the book is incredibly important for him regardless to understand so many things that went on in the house that he didn't not comprehend while his siblings were still with him.

2015-2019: (shortly after viktor's book is released), reginald starts to understand that luther wants to leave this all behind, but he has to make sure he doesn't; he puts him in solitary confinement on the moon, where he spends 4 years in total isolation, in a tiny space station that's not fit for his new body type that he's still not used to or comfortable with. this means that after the 5 years he's already spent alone in that house while still going on mission, he spends 7 years total in isolation, never seeing the world except outside his window or from the moon itself.

2019: reginald dies, luther returns from the moon, and he finally faces his family after so many years.

1962-1963: luther jumps back to the '60s etc etc

2019 (again): season 3 etc etc

year unknown (season 4 preview): luther returns home...? bestie why. i actually have no speculation on this just yet but i'm stressed <3

another thing, which may mean nothing but also may mean something: luther is the yellow line so --

yellow, the lightest hue of the spectrum, signifies joy, happiness, betrayal, optimism, caution, idealism, imagination, hope, sunshine, summer, gold, philosophy, dishonesty, cowardice, jealousy, covetousness, deceit, illness, hazard and friendship.

#study.#hc.

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moonexile · 11 months ago

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i know luther is always noted as the “big brother” which is valid but he also has little brother energy.

that’s not all there is to it, obviously. he very clearly has big brother energy and very clearly sees himself that way for a majority of his life. they were all born at the same time on the same day so they were the same age (for most of their lives), so he was never technically the older brother, but being number one and the default leader just naturally gave him that role. he was as protective of his other siblings as he was hard on them. he looked down on them when he didn’t think they were doing what they were supposed to or weren’t living up to his own perceived potential. even as an adult, nearly a decade after his family had all left him, he still felt like he had to be their older brother and protect him —- which ultimately led to his biggest mistakes, because he was trying too hard to do the right thing and to have answers that would save his siblings and ultimately ended up hurting them instead.

but that’s kind of the point. for most of his life, he felt like he was in the role of an older brother. and not only does the time travel in season 2 change everyone’s ages and naturally makes him younger than most of the others, but his perspectives on life and his family drastically changed in season 2. “there is no number one” is such a pivotal line for him to say because he’s finally coming to terms with the fact that he no longer has to be a superhero but also because he’s finally accepting that the responsibility is not all on his shoulders. which is huge for him. and it doesn’t mean he stops caring, it just means he stops caring or cares less - it just means he’s aware he needs a different approach.

and most of season 2, we see him breaking out of that and listening to others instead and trying to reconfigure his place with his family. which is a major step in both his development and his recovery. ad it’s not easy for him because especially in season 2, there’s still a lot of self hate and resentment for his father he’s working through and he kind of naturally just falling into the back of his family comfortably.

and then in season 3, he’s accepted that place. he’s starting to come to terms with his mistakes and his flaws and actively trying to be better, but of course still not trying to reclaim the role he once thought he had to own. you really see it with diego the most imo because he’s probably the best example of how luther behaved like an older brother before - but now the reverse is true, and luther, no longer resenting diego for the things their father manipulated them to believe, is seeking advice from diego who, while he won’t admit it outright, seems wiser than him. because he’s no longer resenting his family for leaving him all those years ago -— he’s envious that he did not take that chance too. he could’ve had a life much sooner than now but he’s trying to get there, finally, and that means relying on his siblings in ways he hasn’t before. it means even if it’s not intentional and he doesn’t necessarily know it, he’s looking up to them as if they’re his older, wiser siblings because he’s finally accepting that they lived their lives differently than him and that’s not a thing to resent them for. he just wants to try catching up now and he’s finally in a place to do that.

#hc.#study.

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moonexile · 11 months ago

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I’m not home right now so this is quick but I’m thinking about the teaser poster and I have theories that this is potentially either yet another season of Luther being exploited or finally a season of him fully owning his body (but what type of body he has in season 4 is still so unclear because he ends season 3 ‘healed’ from his forced body alteration but.. all the teasers so far include his body suit so 🧐). So I’ll be back for this later 💞

#hc.#study.#sexual assault tw

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moonexile · 2 years ago

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― Clarice Lispector, Near to the Wild Heart

#study.#queue.

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moonexile · 2 years ago

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thinking about how the act of bringing someone back from the dead comes from a desire not just to bring back the dead person but to have things return to the way they were before they died. which is, of course, impossible. if a haunting is an open wound, then resurrection is a knife widening the cut.

#just always skeptical about what it really means that he's Alive again... 📝#study.#queue.

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moonexile · 2 years ago

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luther understands the feeling, but he knows it's likely for a different reason. he had always been out of touch with everything here, even long before he took residency on the moon. all he ever knew was the house he grew up in, the one he eventually started to feel stuck in --- so much so that he became afraid of the world outside, yet desperate to see it, too. he'd been all around the world, fighting to protect people everywhere they went, but he never really got to see those places, and he never truly got to know those people. he had no friends, he had no real life experience, somedays he barely felt like a person beyond the weapon that his father turned him into. it only got worse when his family left; mourning turned into resentment, and with it came a new kind of loneliness that made him feel so out of touch with the world entirely.

but he had gotten there, started to build up the confidence he needed to stand up to his father, to finally follow the lead of each of his siblings and go live his life, even if he never knew where to start. that journey ended before it ever began, when a near-fatal accident forced upon a body alteration he never asked for, never wanted.

he believed his father, as he always did, when he told him that luther was the only one who could protect the moon. it felt good to have a purpose again; it felt like his fated duty of being a supehero hadn't been lost entirely. and he loved space, he loved the moon --- this was supposed to be the best time of his life, but his father turned the moon into a prison, a place to keep him captive until he needed his most loyal weapon again. maybe there was a part of luther that always knew there was nothing for him up there; he just had to believe that he had a purpose. he had to believe his life hadn't been stolen from him -- even though that's exactly what his father had tried to do.

❝ it's a different world up there. people don't realize it, ❞ he says, his eyes instinctively looking up, just as they always do without realizing it himself. the moon is still a beautiful light that calms him from the ground, he wouldn't let his father take that away from him. it's living there that feels like some impending doom --- a place that nearly claimed his life, that of which people don't realize, either, because he's not willing to admit that to his siblings. luther smiles, because all though he has his own resentments of his time up there, it makes him happy to know that alonzo doesn't have the same. space is still incredible, and it deserves that kind of passion ( his father won't take that away from him, either. ) ❝ will you go back? ❞ it's one of the many questions that come from what he says, but it seems the most important now, too.

the question he asks luther is much more difficult for him to answer. all of his life, luther rarely got many choices of his own. it was his father presenting his duties to him and making him believe that he was doing all of this because he wanted to, because he was destined to --- even living in the place he loves the most. ❝ my dad sent me there when i was thirteen. i loved science, i loved watching the moon, and i loved building model rockets, and---- and i asked him if i could go, so i did. ❞ this first answer, that comes with a smile filled with pride -- because it's the one experience of his childhood that he's always cherished. ❝ that's how i got my nickname. spaceboy, ❞ he explains, letting out a soft chuckle.

that fades after a moment, because that's not the question he's really asking: this is about his most recent trip, the one in which he nearly lost himself completely, thinking he was home. ❝ when i was older, i was---- well, in a bad accident. ❞ because that's relevant to this story, too, isn't it? his father had nothing else for him to do; he needed him out of his sight, but not too far away that he couldn't bring his loyal number one back when he needed him, too. ❝ the rest of my siblings had left. it was just me. and there weren't a lot of missions left for me. not a lot i could go on. ❞ not a lot he wanted; he was terrified of anyone seeing him like this, terrified of the world knowing he no longer looked or felt like himself. ❝ my father, he told me he had a mission for me on the moon. it was perfect for me. then, ❞ he adds after a beat, and he looks away again, shrugging his shoulders. ❝ i analyzed the data on the moon every single day for four years, and every single day ---- ❞ he pauses, clears his throat, and straightens his back. ❝ every single day, i missed it down here even more, ❞ he admits.

and in an effort to lighten the mood, an innocent, almost goofy grin tugs at his lips. ❝ does that make me a bad spaceboy? ❞ of course there's so much more to it, but he wants to understand where alonzo is coming from, too. ❝ did you ever get lonely? space is . . . it's beautiful. it also has a way of making you --- well, me --- feel small, i guess. ❞ which was a difficult feat for someone over seven-foot and three times the size he had been a decade ago, but maybe that's why it was all too noticeable.

word had reached him of the man's time on the moon. a place so unparalleled to the astronomer, possibly meant something entirely dissimilar to the sibling of many. alonzo never grew up alongside others, never experienced the innate disillusionment of not fitting in, of being insufficient amongst a sea of other’s striving for validation, for recognition. his inadequacy lied within himself, for so long he viewed his existence as it was — an atom in the abysmal mass of the cosmos, so easily swallowed whole by mortality. his time in space made him call existence into question, what it meant to be just another living being walking the tumultuous terrain of the universe, what it meant to have consciousness. he hadn’t divulged to @moonexile about the time he remained confined to zero gravity, perhaps he will now. curiously enough, he’d never felt more grounded than when securely rooted to land, gravity’s pull tethering him to the earth.

“ i feel so out of touch with it all from here, ” frame is slanted forth in the bench beneath him, forearms supporting him against denim-clad thighs. his head tilts skyward, hazel hues reflecting the gleam of the stars above as his gaze settles upon them. he knows all constellations littered across the night sky, it is his livelihood now after all, but he continues at odds with what lies beyond the skies and what keeps him moored to the earth. he's unable to agree that one is better than the other, to him they are both home, they both store the very essence of him. “ the stars, the planets…. all of it. mars is where i spent most of my time while i was up there, i loved it more than anything, and i would still be there today if i could. ” until that nettlesome mortality came knocking on his door, until death came a little too close for comfort. “ why did you go to the moon, luther? ”

#dignitaes #dignitaes: alonzo.#arc: main.#finally some friends for luther 😌#queue.

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moonexile · 2 years ago

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there's something about her that is so familiar with luther. that makes their friendship even more comfortable, and maybe that's part of what kept him from making these kinds of connections all his life. it wasn't just growing up in isolation--- it was about not knowing how to connect with people beyond that. it was about knowing that no matter who he met, they would never truly understand him or what he'd been through. in some ways, it feels like annie does. he understands that desire to reclaim her own identity, to step away from being a superhero once you realize that being a superhero isn't necessarily about your desire to do good ( for both of them, it's about the goals of another, people they can't support anymore. ) it's why he finds it so easy to be open with her, and that's something he needed more than he realized.

he scoffs, shaking his head and flashing a warm smile back at her. ❝ you don't. i promise, ❞ he assures her. ❝ you're going through a lot. believe me, i get it. ❞ the way he pushed his family away even farther when he was at his worst is proof that he understands, and it's also why he's working so hard to reassure her she's got people in her corner now. she's got HIM. ❝ take it from someone who's just learned that his life has always been upside down--- you're going to get through it. ❞

the truth is: she thought she knew what she wanted in life. the uglier truth is: everything she wanted was just a lie. ever since outing herself to the world, live broadcasted her name and her alter ego, things have become a bit clearer now. she thought she wanted to be a hero, make a difference, do good and be good in this really shitty world. but this is what she's learned:

she is annie january. starlight is just the creation of what her mother pushed on her, what an evil corporation wanted to keep control of. and since denouncing her role as a super hero, since cutting her mother out of her life, annie's slowly realizing just how lonely and isolating this world can be. it doesn't matter how much good you try to put into it, it'll just keep shitting back on her in return. on everyone, really.

she thought she had her mind settled on the matter. decided loneliness is just meant to be part of her. but luther speaks and -- it washes away. even if for just this moment. she does have him. the touch to the shoulder allows for a little smile and annie has to blink away signs of emotion threatening to pool in her eyes. she has him, even after she's lost everyone and everything in her life. ❝ you're so right. i probably sound so ungrateful -- but i really am happy to have you in my life. whole damn world's gone upside down and you're the only thing keeping it upright. ❞ her opposite hand extends, crossing over her chest and rests over his as she allows for a gentle squeeze. ❝ you've got me, too. ❞

#fullrigor #fullrigor: annie.#arc: main.#queue.

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moonexile · 2 years ago

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you really only have to ask luther one small question and he will pour his heart out to you. he is so desperate for connection and desperate to not feel alone and desperate to share the experiences of his life after a lifelong of bottling it up and hurting himself by keeping it all in. he doesn’t need anyone to say anything back. he just needs to be heard. he just needs to get it out.

and it’s a thousand times easier to do with people who aren’t his siblings; there’s something about the horrific experiences he went through on the moon that he’s so hesitant to tell his siblings about. even though he has long since shed this idea of needing to be the leader / be number one, he still hates the idea of them thinking of him as anything less than strong — even though he felt incredibly weak in those years without them.

but the right questions will still grant his siblings an outpouring of all his feelings, too.

for a long time, he thought he had to be the strongest person in the room ( not just by his super power —- but emotionally, too. ) he rarely ever is, and he’s often well aware of that even if he’s not giving it away. it becomes very clear once someone starts asking about his experiences though, and that’s mostly because when he talks about his past / his life in general, he is now constantly putting it into a new perspective and constantly reframing his past in a new light. it’s like constant glass shattering every time he talks about his experiences because of all the revelations he’s been having and will continue to have.

#hc.#I just feel like he starts to ramble in replies #Bc ! Yeah! He wants to talk about it!!!!#Even if people don’t wanna listen!

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moonexile · 2 years ago

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HOW DO YOU NEED TO BE TOUCHED? GENTLY.

you need to be held as though you're going to break. you need someone to trace your scars like cracks in a wall, crumbling. their touch is almost painful; you've been without it for too long, without someone to hold you. but, you cannot bring yourself to pull away.

#study.#GENTLY... yeah for real #queue.

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moonexile · 2 years ago

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philomelia

death has never been permanent: it is an abstract dealing, a wound that heals slowly but neatly (there is no scar left behind to mark its place… the wound closes and the story ends, almost as quietly as it begun). she thinks that makes life harder– when she’s dead, she wants to be dead. she doesn’t want to have to worry about her sisters calling her back, the veil lifting to welcome her home. her mother would say that death hasn’t been flattering to her: she would find fault with the flat hair and the scrape of her brow, which her mother had always said made her look too matronly. you should carry yourself like a girl. she has never known grief, not really. a great grandfather had passed when she was little, but she hadn’t ever attended the funeral. there was no coffin to be seen– a funeral pyre, stories exchanged, athena coming home as if something had been taken from her. but her mother still talks aloud to their great grandfather, inviting them to partake. cleo sees him sometimes: empty eyes and a stare that welcomes in the darkness.

eyes life to watch luther as he talks about his family. there is a softness there, a kindness to each word, which makes her heart feel like it is being squeezed out of her chest. her words catch in her throat: i want a real family, too. but saying them feels too much like admitting defeat– she knows that her mother would scold her. they were a real family, just one without a home or a shared history or a tongue that could speak secrets into the other’s ears. they were a real family, but only in riddles. “ i think that just happens with siblings. i think you all hate each other a little bit. i mean, you love each other, obviously. more than anything. but i don’t think you can spend all that time around someone and not grow to hate them, even accidentally. ” she pauses, she looks at him. does she want approval? understanding? sometimes her wants feel alien even to herself. “ i’m glad you got that. what you wanted, i mean. some people go their entire lives without ever even really knowing their family: i can’t seem to get rid of mine. ”

she scratches at the edge of her thumb. some of her family, anyway. her dad was a quiet, curve - shouldered man. he was supposed to wear glasses, but never did, which meant he had a squinting, mole - like quality about him. he was handsome, she supposed, but it was a shame that he looked too much like cassie: wide jaw and a smile that shuddered more than it bloomed. she doesn’t quite live in his shadow, but rather as his shadow (mom said there was still time for her, that she was only young, but cassie knew better– her world would always be smaller than her sisters’).

the topic changes and her mind switches with it. fear has always been an odd thing to her. she has felt it, a numbing sort of coldness that lapped at her bones, and it has sat with her for a very long time. but her fear has always felt tiny– to know that there were terrible things out there and to know, also, that they would never really be part of her life. “ most people are afraid of lots of things. you know what i really can’t stand? fast cars. you can’t control something like that. ” she makes a zooming movement with her hand. “ what scares you, anyway, big guy? ” her eyebrows raise at the confession: never hugged anyone? the kid was weird, not quite as open as luther was. “ you know how long they’re gonna be? we could go right now. i have nothing better to do. ”

luther spent a long time going back and forth. when his siblings all left him behind, one day he'd hate himself for pushing them away and not being a better leader, and the next, he'd resent them, damning them for leaving him all alone in that house just to rot. he's come to understand that they weren't wrong for leaving --- that doesn't mean that everything's been fine since. raised as bargaining chips, always looking for ways to injure the opponent -- they were never built out of love and harmony, so when they fight, they fight hard. and luther will never forgive himself for the things he's done to harm his own family, and maybe there's a part of him that will never forgive some of his siblings for some of those things, too. but they have a chance now to craft their own life with their own desires. they can reframe what 'family' means, and isn't that worth more than anything?

❝ we can hate each other as much as we love each other, ❞ he notes, mostly mumbling to himself as he comes to realize she's exactly right. ❝ we can miss each other as much as we resent each other, too. ❞ he spent so long without them, and so long with no way to contact them at all. it made him miss them more, but it made him resent them more, too -- because maybe he wasn't supposed to live a life of isolation. maybe he was supposed to be surrounded by love. it's what he desperately wants now, even if there's always a part of him that wonders if he deserves it or if he's earned it. he looks over to her and offers a small smile before shrugging his shoulders. ❝ i don't know if i have it yet. not--- well, not exactly. but i don't want to lose them again. i'll do anything to make sure i don't. ❞ his smile turns into a frown after a moment, his head tilting to the side as he looks her over. ❝ do you mean that? you want to . . . spend time away? or--- ❞ he pauses, because it's something he thought about before. and he hated himself for it, too. ❝ --- not be a part of it at all? ❞

he raises a brow at her fear, and there's something endearing about it that makes him feel more comfortable opening up. ❝ you're right. you can't control that. even if you're controlling the car, you can't control everyone around you . . . ❞ he's mostly talking out loud to himself as he thinks it over. ❝ i haven't spent a lot of time driving, so i can't imagine. ❞ he's silent for a long moment as the question is brought back to him, and his eyes drift to the sky -- over to the moon. it's not the moon that scares him. it's everything there, swallowing luther whole. it's still his favorite place in the world; reginald can't take that from him just because he used it as his own solitary confinement for his most loyal soldier, but there's a sourness to it now. ❝ nothing, ❞ he answers after a moment before taking a deep breath. ❝ --- i don't mean that nothing scares me. i mean --- nothing. actually nothing. being surrounded by nothing and no one. being alone. being away from everything. i was alone for a very long time, and i--- i barely survived it. ❞ he doesn't know why that comes out so easily with her, when he hasn't admitted that to his own family, but it comes with a small breath of relief. ❝ isolation. ❞ it's a word he never really wanted to use before, but it is what it was. ❝ no one should ever be alone like that. we're not built to be alone like that. that's what i'm afraid of. ❞ he tries to lighten the mood up after a moment, a grin tugging at his lips. ❝ --- and maybe fast cars, too, ❞ he teases.

he takes a moment to look around, then back to her. ❝ yeah, let's go. but--- i’m going to need your help picking something out. ❞ he slides himself off the car, giving her a small nod. ❝ i think my brother could use a little more color, personally. ❞

#philomelia #arc: s3.#queue.

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