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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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8 December 2023

On day three of my antidepressants. Feeling a little wired and flat but also... happy? Waiting to go to Chipping Norton, Fabi's made up town. Waiting for the right time to go to the bus top. Then need to tutor online in a cafe. Will see their play this evening and stay there overnight. Ronan couldn't come because his dog died and he had to go back home to Canada for a bit. jn

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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(17 November 2023)

Today has been nice so far. Got out of bed after lying in bed longer than I should have, knowing that the longer I stayed in bed the harder it would be to get out and the easier it would be to fall into bad thoughts. Today I wanted to save myself from that. I went to the gym, dropped my bike off for a service and have since had breakfast and a bath. Sitting down to do some making today. I want to remind myself first of the thoughts I've had this week. I met with Consuelo after work last night for a cup of tea. Served by the sexy waiter is most definitely not gay. Realising that I need to feel sexy in myself, confident on more layers than one to have a real libido. Thinking I'm asexual has been common. Leaning into fiction because it gives me the space to test and act things out with the safety of it not being real in the same way as the non fiction of my own life.

Manifesto for my life in practice: 1. "I have nothing to say, only to show" – Benjamin. Applied, actionable thinking over abstract, generalised theory... Specifically look at material culture, the material building blocks of life/reality making. Lots of small paintings together to create a scene. Not necessarily all cohesive in terms of jigsaw physics. Action over thinking, and if thinking, make sure I am doing it as action, with intention, not floating around.

2. "Deep down I am just scared, and that's ok". Let go of too much control, fear won't leave, learn to accept it. Cut the shite and remove all the distractions or worries or uncertainties. Just do the work and work to completion, without experimentation, perfectionism, opinion of others as the focus, just work and it will happen.

3. Be nice to myself. Treat yourself like a child. Check in with myself to see how I am feeling. Ask myself if I am ok. And listen for the answer. Feed myself with lots of nice food, this is a priority everyday. Sleep eight hours. I have realised I do actually need eight hours in bed for sleeping. Treat myself to small luxuries, like flowers, warm face flannels, nice smells.

4. Stop reading painting as an attempt at solving the world, and depicting the whole world, at being right. It is asking too much. Forgive myself for not being the perfect painter, for not making the perfect paintings. Think about ZS's Fascinated to Presume. Think about the performative, socially constructed or assigned. Be the unreliable narrator of my own life, because being wholly objective here is impossible, trust myself. Maybe the point is to be confused, inaccurate, show my fateful plight.

Soaking wet: Finish some smaller pieces about soaking wet as a general concept: everything is soaking wet. what is happening? everyday, casual happenings, things about to happen. Problem has arisen with image generation, not necessarily generation but bolting it down, I have been too indecisive and I get paralysed by the possibility. To solve this, think of a painting not as a depiction of the absolute, or something fully refined, just an episode. Painting as a poem, an essay, a sentence. Are we going to work via image or via writing.

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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15 November 2023

Thought about the concept of not being negative as a default today. That is... halting and not investing in negative trains of thought. I was always unsure if it was 'train' or 'trail', but Reddit assures me it is 'train' after all. Only allowing myself 10 minutes at a particular time in the day to think negatively, actively. The day went generally well although I did miss my alarm this morning. I was prepared to go and just get up. Begs the question... am I really getting enough good quality sleep? I think I am for the most part, although I guess I didn't have the sound loud enough. I will try again tomorrow. I can see my gym stuff by the door. Everything is ready to go. Get out of bed, open the bedroom window, make my bed, brush my teeth, get ready to leave... When I get the hang of that I really would like to think about a slower activity for the morning where I can come to my senses. I just want to become a morning person first. I can wake up and get out of bed for something important of course, but I just seem to not want to wake up at the moment. Painted for you know who today. Just me in the studio again. Listened to podcasts about random topics. Such as. Hegel's philosophy of history, bauhaus, Walter Benjamin, cave art, the evolution of horses. I am painting a horse at the moment. You know who says not to use so much highlight. I agree, I was just trying to do what he would normally do. lol. One side I did like from today's listening was Benjamin's thinking that: "I have nothing to say only to show". Benjamin is not interested in philosophical systems, generalised, abstracted, eternal truths… He was an applied thinker. Wanted to encounter everyday life, material culture … Not interested in high art, people’s everyday life. Engaged in what it’s like to be human, the body, fashion, what constitutes human life, didn’t write about those in a grand overarching philosophical theory. He shapes his texts to match the object of his enquiry. This showing, not telling, and engagement in what is in front of him is I think something I can take for myself, letting go of forcing a worldview for myself in developing a practice. Also... Hegel's approach to the aesthetics of art:

The point of art, Hegel, realises is not so much to come up with startlingly new or strange ideas; but to make the good, important, helpful thoughts we often already know and make them stick in our minds.

And... second paragraph ... About letting go. Not holding onto something too tightly, having it in mind, letting go.

Just deleted a phrase of me complaining... It feels like I am just complaining for the sake of it. Meeting Consuelo after work at Whitechapel gallery. Feeling tired. Going to sleep well tonight I think.

Action over thinking too much. Being with my feelings in my body. Five minutes to be negative starts now.

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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14 November 2023

Thinking about the issues in my life won't solve them... Action over thinking. I am... I have found myself in the same situation again today. History repeats itself. Woke up wanting not to start the day immediately, because of some discomfort. I was resisting the day. I wanted to go to sleep and shut it all out. Going back to sleep was the quickest way to do that. The short-term solution. Quick fix. Once I did get out of bed, a few hours later than I should have done, missing a slower-paced-getting-ready, missing out on the gym, I felt awful. It always happens like this. I ended up snoozing so much that all I see and hear are negative thoughts on repeat. Five minutes more just adds more negativity. Until I do leave my bed and I have to prioritise and stress and... I leave the house hating myself. Things get slightly better once I am on my bike, cycling. Things aren't so bad then. I realised that the day, really, is pretty straight-forward. All I needed to do was to cycle to work, and do some painting. Have a few conversations. Cycle back. All predictable. Safe. Nobody hurts me. Just some weird looks on the street. Would allowing myself only 10 minutes a day for complaining and worrying work? 10 minutes where I have complete permission to complain, worry, be negative, hate. No shame about it. I can be as negative as I like. The rest of the day I can just 'do'. Doing is hard. But really all I need to do is be in the moment and stop thinking. Stop worrying. Just do the activity. Same applies to my practice. I already have the fucking answers. I just need to get to work when it comes to 'doing'. I need to just do the work. Force myself to paint. No that painting is uncomfortable in itself. It's not that I am forcing my hand, forcing my life, forcing myself down a path. It's just that I am paralysed by the perfect. When it comes to issues with rendering I can force an image to completion on my iPad. Maybe I need a better word than 'force'.... Propel, precipitate (and letting the fruits come through), set in motion. I just need to stop with the excuses now. We have rested, we have a better routine. Things are going well. The propensity to feel like I am victim to my own life. I don't want to gaslight myself... I have had an awful time... But time to just let that all go, forgive the situation, and power on forwards. Don't need to think things through so much. This evening I will get ready for bed, write a to-do list for the morning, get into bed and read.

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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list to manifest a dream partner

pre-requisites: - can express their feelings openly and honestly, has emotional intelligence, sensitive to others - very confident, but not arrogant - I get the feeling I want to take off their clothes, not just take them for a spin - not an NPC - vegan, at least vegetarian, and/or thinks about the food they eat; can cook - has a purpose in life they are passionate about - has some interests similar to my own but also has their own - nice friends - has lived a life/ lives - is ambitious, has real feelings, shows me their fear

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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12 November 2023

Resisted getting out of bed today… woke up at 7.30 ish but was still in bed until 11.30… Feeling super guilty, and I don’t understand why I do that when it literally doesn’t make me feel better. I know it doesn’t make me feel better. It’s just like I don’t want to start the day, I feel depressed totallly, I wake up - from that first moment I open my eyes … I hate everything.

Typing from the gym and some random npc is looking over my shoulder… creep. It’s full of weirdos today. I also have razor burn across my face. Loads of little bumps . I don’t usually get this.

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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11 November 2023

Slept a solid eight hours. Feel slightly heavy in my head. Hurts behind my left eye. Franny is awake washing the dishes from last night. We had Alisha and Beth round for tea. It was really nice but I was shrekking so hard in the middle. Just felt really sick towards to end of the afternoon. Met Beth for a cup of tea and a cookie in the morning, I enjoyed the gym beforehand.

Decided to write this morning before going to the gym. Generally feeling ok. The sun is really nice today. It looks like it will be a nice day. Marching for Palestine today. Think it'll be a big one.

Can feel my mind looking for other things to obsess over. Like paranoia because I spoke a

Later...

Mum called telling me about my sister. Sounded intense. Her now ex-girlfriend involved with the p*li*ce...

Anyway... I feel ok today. Feeling weird about practice not happening. Will wake up tomorrow and get on with everything...

Going to the march today.

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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9 October 2023

thought rediscovered today from the notes in my phone:

I think deep down I’m just very scared

There is nothing to be scared of

Let go of some of the control

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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9 November 2023

Everything is starting to make sense. I can feel things changing. I am learning to be patient. To lean into my life. My life is happening right now. I feel myself get lost in thinking, thinking is only good sometimes. Thinking all the time paralyses me. I used to believe I should think all the time, after the old adage: 'think before you speak'. Replace 'speak' with 'do'. I wrote this to myself in the notes section of my phone not so long ago:

Cut the crap and remove all the distractions or worries or uncertainties. Just do the work and work to completion no experimentation just work and the experimenting wil happen Just do it and stop thinking And do what my ideal self I want to be would do Let go Nothing matters Surrender Be nice to yourself Let go believe

My own self-concept is limited by the thinking I do about myself. It's often very negative. I want it to be more forgiving, more patient, fairer. Of course this has been made difficult somewhat by difficult situations. I have been watching what is happening in Palestine right now, my life is so much easier. I should stop complaining, and start living. This is true. Of course everything is relative, and I've had to do some pretty intense things to get by the past few months. It's over now, and we can do our best to ensure we don't get into a situation like this again. I forgive myself, I am patient.

Spoke to ******* this week about increasing my pay now that I have been there for more than two months. He laughed when I asked for £3 more an hour than what the expected increase was. I gave examples of how I was doing more for him than I have elsewhere, how I am offering a high skill, how I have a lot of experience, how living in London is expensive. Rich people just don't get it. He was saying it wouldn't be possible because his expenses just to break even were way to high, how people 'just don't understand', he can't predict his incoming over the next year so easily, so can't commit to a higher rate, how his therapist thinks he should pay more now that he's travelling and going out so much. My friends, who know I don't ask for what's unreasonable, think I undersell myself, tell me to not be so nice, think it was unprofessional of him to guilt trip me, unfair. Weird justifications. The way he takes on assistants but then can't pay them fairly. Says he wants to pay us more. We will see. In the meantime I will consider other work options as and when they arise. For the time being it is ok. I finished the long reflection of a face yesterday, started on a painting of a horse painting.

Feeling the difference now I am working less. Annoyed about next week's work situation, where I have to work my hours spread out, over the weekend too. It's just one week, no need to hyper fixate.

Learning to see the small luxuries in life. Getting some flowers to have by my bedside table. Having fresh herbs in my food. Having a nutritious breakfast. Having a made bed with clean sheets. Reading before bed. Finished the sentence 'but luckily...' [I take nice snacks in my bag for work, such as carrots, bananas, dark chocolate]. Tea tree oil on my bed sheets. A hot water bottle. A nice apartment with one of my best friends.

I am done with the complaining. A narrative about my life which recounts how bad I have it makes me feel defenceless, on the defence. I end up hating my life. Everything feels heavy. Objectively, my situation has really challenged me. I have had to do intense things to get the money to pay my way. I will not gaslight myself, or let anyone else gaslight myself. In the mean time I will encourage myself, treat myself nicely, love myself, be patient, nourish my body, let it rest, give it pleasure. My body may be up for grabs, but my spirit will be the last pillar to fall. Not me describing myself as a temple.

What else would I like to say? Things are materially getting better for me, in my mind too. I am working on waking up with more energy, not impeding my chances of a good day by snoozing and getting out of bed at the last moment. To google: why snoozing is bad for you. Thinking about that in the morning, and thinking about what I would regret more (getting up and going to the gym, starting my day, or staying in bed and sleeping). Difficult balance when I know I push myself too hard sometimes, and need to make sure I am resting well. It is ok, after all, to allow myself to rest in these weeks more than I would usually, given the lack of rest I had over the summer. I am in hibernation.

I was thinking about snoozing being bad, but I also am excited for getting on with a series of work. I am learning to make dioramas of my paintings in 3D software, so I can walk around those situations and scenarios. I need to learn how to insert props, and mannequins. Rendering them soaking wet. Collect photo references of 'things about to happen'.

There are other things I want to tell you. But they will have to wait. Final thought, I really am looking to the lives of passed artists. Their plight despite the odds. I am living a life. It will be reflected in my paintings. I have an inner confidence. <3

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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3 November 2023

feel overwhelmed by possibility

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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28 October 2023

keep a sense of realism but break the perspective – like self portrait

drawings - make up the rules

what am I drawing everything is soaking wet. what is happening? everyday, casual happenings

work out how to break perspective in different ways for episodes

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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27 October 2023

Second day off of four. Yesterday was a bit of a non-day. Called my mum in the morning, tutored for an hour afterwards. Then sat on the sofa and watched some TV and was in and out of sleep. I was so exhausted. The shifts I had this week were very long. I have noticed a tendency to want to give all the information to people about my life, details which are just not important, because I want them to make up their own minds about my situation. Surely if they had all the information they would understand. I'm also getting bored of telling everything to everyone. Bored and exhausted of being a victim in my own story. I have some friends who appear on top form at all times. I don't want to always be happy, but I don't want to weigh people down. [Idea to write a daily diary entry for a fictional character and share one year later]. This evening going to the restaurant for a welcome meal with Franny. Tom and Ellie there. Went to Tom's last night for a dinner. Really nice evening. Consuelo and Noam went too. Met Tom's friend Mollie who they live with. Laughed a lot. Got lost on the cycle journey there... Today feel slightly overwhelmed at the idea to get things made. Finalised pieces for a lack of a better phrase. Write a list of house admin tasks. Write a list of art practice tasks. Get ready at 5. But luckily... I am full of energy 🤪

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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21 October 2023

Slight anxiety about reducing hours... But I know it's the right thing to do. I don't need to spend money day-to-day. Can shop at Asda once a week now, buy in enough ingredients for the week so I don't need to buy anything outside of that. About to go and see Katy, which is really nice and exciting. Looking forward to catch up with her. Need to get ready. When I get back I will have something to eat then get to work. Every hour a new drawing based on the ideas I have developed over the past few months. They don't need to be perfect or big. x 5 drawings, conceptualise, source/create reference images, rough sketch in biro, develop into finalised piece (with ink, or coloured pencil)

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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20 October 2023

I think in not posting unfinished posts straight away, because I've need to carry on with life, a few entries have gone lost. Updates... Some of which you may already know... Reduced hours at restaurant, three days assisting an artist, painting for him. Want to get my life in order before I date anyone properly. Trying to cut the crap, stop the muddy feelings, get on with it, give myself a shake. That awful summer is in the past, it doesn't exist anymore... And I am here.

Four days working a week, being frugal with money. Manifest money jobs that are still fun and teach me relevant skills, but pay more. Other days work to making one piece a week, however small. Make it so easy that I just do it, even within the limited means I have. These limited resources are abundantly bountiful with lots of potential. Earlier in the week work on small biro ideas to make the piece later in the week. One evening each week, learn a new skill to keep things fun.

ok there I am planning everything rather than actually doing...

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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5 September 2023

Immense ambition and expectation for each day isn't working, only sets me up for disappointment. What is something easy I can do, with the time I have available to me today (this week), that I can do? Soaking wet - I can pivot easily.

Can I make one of these small pieces a day? Or five a week. Give myself an hour, max two on each. What would happen? Don’t hVe to be perfect - this is an opportunity to try anything out because the stakes are so low. Soaking wet. Remove friends from following and no hashtags just post.

Why do I literally write the same shit over and over again?

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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For episodic paintings

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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3 September 2023

Today went well enough until I sat down to start working on my work. I am so exhausted I said I would have a quick nap. It's now hours later after multiple naps. Feeling shameful and defeated. Really not in the mood to paint. What would a compromise look like? Anyway the majority of the painting I was working on is finished.

I really am tired but I feel resistance to relaxing because I have no other free time coming up soon

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