mx-mix-lurker

[mx-mix-lurker]

AHAHAHAHHAA I KNEW MIZISUA WASNT A HEALTHY LESBIAN SHIP IT WAS JUST IMPOSSIBLE DUE TO THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES

But holy shit did we fall for her facade so fast, oh my gods. SHE AND IVAN BEST FRIEND FOR REAL FOR REAL FOR A REASON.

I will admit that I could never think deeper about Mizi, mostly because we still haven't have like a direct narrative from her POV. We got it from Sua, from Ivan, from Till, from Hyuna and Luka.

But Mizi?

I abso-fucking-loathed how she only revolved around Sua. Sua her god, her universe. Sua. Sua. Sua. How she fell apart after Sua. How she still kept thinking about Sua will being in the rebellion. When she cried over Till. IT'S STILL SUA LIKE I'M BACK AGAIN IN THE FUCKING BUILDING!

I KNOW that Sua was haunting Mizi's narrative but holy fuck. Gives us more than the yearning Mizi shows. Damn. Like, yeah she wants to save Till but like,,, why tho? He's so low in her ranking. Okay. So maybe she wants to be friends with him but like...

Now don't get me wrong, I love Sua. She's such a genuinely realistic girl for her situation. I loved her, her bad sides—how she's distant, petty, and so fucking in love with Mizi and obviously, somewhat envious of Mizi but that's understandable since we were mislead that Mizi has the better guardianship. She did, technically, but also technically, that was never a healthy relationship—guardianship in the end. And her good sides—how she loved and cared for Mizi, how she's a soft girl DESPITE THE FUCKING MEAN LESBIAN ALLEGATION SHE HAS LIKE THAT'S FANON, YOU WON'T PRY MY SWEET, JEALOUS AND PETTY SUA FROM MY HANDS. SHE WAS EMPATHETIC BUT SHE WAS SMART AND UNDERSTAND THAT BEING LIKE THAT IS BAD FOR HER SITUATION SO SHE NUMBED HERSELF. SHE'S JUST AS MUCH OF AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AS IVAN. MIZI TOO DAMN IT!

(Gods it says a lot how Till is the most genuine in his POV. And even then, him being an unreliable narrator is easily understood and you can read him like a book. Sweet baby boy. Everyone who misinterpret you should step on a leggo. I include Mizi and Ivan. Sua not included because obviously girlie distanced herself from everyone but Mizi and thus, never tried to understand anyone but Mizi. Ivan was just an annoying barnacle who kept bothering her and making her realized that they're similar enough.)

Man. I can't believe a pair of angsty lesbian pulled me out of my internet depression to interact with tumblr again.

I want a fanfic of Mizi hating Sua. I want a fanfic of the realization, of the aftermath, of Mizi humanizing, or the proceeded deification of Sua but into something more.

I dont want Mizi constantly loving Sua in every fics I read. I want Mizi to be crestfallen and heartbroken by Sua as well. I want Mizi to realize how selfish Sua was.

The only ones I get to read where Mizi is dissatisfied with Sua are the swap fics but I don't want that. I want Mizi to live, loving and hating Sua in the same breath as Sua is dead. Missing and wishing to forget. Keeping only the memories she wants while also never wanting to forget any part of Sua she remembers. Desperately, she tries to keep more and more until the memory of Sua is tainted and ruined.

Because did Mizi really knew Sua? Or did she only know the parts that Sua wanted Mizi to know about her? Like how Sua kept Mizi bright, naive, and innocent about the rest of their world?

Mizi will never be sure. Mizi will never know as she doubts her own memories, her own experience and feelings for Sua. As she realized she had put Sua in an impossible pedestal of perfection that she was left with nothing else or something like that.

[mx-mix-lurker]

I hope you don't mind me rambling in the comments of your most recent rambling, i got too invested with sharing my thoughts... (╥ ᵕ ╥)

（＾∇＾）is more than fine because I replied to most of it!!!

[mx-mix-lurker]

Also, another thing, why does nobody take the opportunity to name DS! Cross "Sanguine"? It sounds like penguin, he likes penguins and it's like, Sans + penguine? And he's like, the "Ink" of Dreamswap (partially) it refers to a jovial person or optimistic person, it's an art(?) that primarily uses red chalk. Canon! Cross' original concept, I think he was going to be called chalk.

I just really need to get this off of my chest. I'm genuinely suffocating from keeping it in.

I Don't Get How People Can Ship DS! Drink and DS! Cream (Dream X Cross).

I just don't really get it. Like, how can they do that without bringing up the things that make up... ya know. Them as Individual Characters? I guess? It's like, everyone forgets that this is a DreamSwap AU of Dreamtale. Of the Undertale Multiverse characters. They don't have the same personalities as the "Original Goods".

It just... gives me a major ick? No. That's too strong of a word. But I just can't help but scrunch my face whenever I see them before scrolling past it because well, obviously, I don't have the right to stop people from their shipping. And I'm usually fine with AUs ver of DreamSwap because then, they're a whole new character.

But I really don't get why people don't include the fact that DS! Ink is entirely dependent on Dream's Aura. Basically needs and WANTS it to feel and function. DS! Ink can always use his "vials" but DS! Dream forbid it and not only that, I'm pretty sure it's more preferable to literal shocks that has been input in him to garner a type of emotion.

Like, I can see DS! Ink getting with DS! Dream, half because of his Aura and half because DS! Ink would want it. But will DS! Dream really get together with someone who basically... needs him in his life to be considered as a functional being? Like, won't DS! Dream notice the power imbalance between the two of them?

I don't doubt that if push comes to shove, DS! Ink will definitely not just lie down and submit to bullshit being pushed on him. DS! Ink isn't a pushover and he's not about to become one just because. But DS! Ink honestly feels... gullible? Thanks to the Aura that DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare have. (Maybe this is because my first introduction to DS! Ink is that one part where he got technically kidnapped by DS! Cross and DS! Nightmare and get confronted by them as like, I guess, a closure for DS! Cross? I don't remember but onebizarrekai was the one who wrote it so it's canon... I think.)

But DS! Ink is more.. malleable, easily influenced by DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare's Auras. Easily hurt too, if their auras are both released in DS! Ink's presence.

So I don't really get... why DS! Dream would ever get together, professional (mostly) Lord Von Licht getting together with his employee, someone who is directly works under him. Like, yeah, they're friends and DS! Ink's a sassy shithead but it's just... not something I can see DS! Dream knowingly doing without like, a very obvious struggle and denial?

They always jump into them reciprocating feelings without thinking about the power imbalance and shit.

DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare are different in that, if they ever somehow manage to get together, DS! Dream will be feeling heavy with guilt and trying so hard to make up for it. DS! Dream and DS! Blue are also ships that I'm fine with. Maybe it starts into something casual, benefiting with each other and such since Blue does like, agree with Justice Reigns' ideology. DS! Dream and DS! Error? Oh yeah, I'm also good with that, as they're two levelheaded individuals.

But DS! Dream and DS! Ink? No... like, touch up on the fact that parts first which they don't need to but like... :(

Also Do I Even Need To Explain Why I Don't Get DS! Dream and DS! Cross? Like, yeah, I definitely like Enemies to Lovers Trope but like, do not make them have crushes?? Make it tension not silly high school butterfly in my tummy tee-hee. DS! Cross is so stubborn and hotheaded despite the long way he came from like, dealing with his past and trauma (hate how I'm simplifying it ugh) that DS! Cross acts more like a bitter and jealous guy who's ex-girlfriend hooked up with DS! Dream. And DS! Dream... I love the guy, but he totally has a stick up his ass, viewing DS! Cross in disdain as a lowly criminal especially because of the hatred that DS! Cross has over DS! Dream.

JUST TO BE CLEAR IM NOT DEMANDING NOTHING I'M JUST SAYING LIKE, GIVE ME THE STRUGGLE?? FUCK THAT STILL SOUNDS LIKE A DEMAND BUT LIKE, ya know...

.... ya know

[mx-mix-lurker]

I just really need to get this off of my chest. I'm genuinely suffocating from keeping it in.

I Don't Get How People Can Ship DS! Drink and DS! Cream (Dream X Cross).

I just don't really get it. Like, how can they do that without bringing up the things that make up... ya know. Them as Individual Characters? I guess? It's like, everyone forgets that this is a DreamSwap AU of Dreamtale. Of the Undertale Multiverse characters. They don't have the same personalities as the "Original Goods".

It just... gives me a major ick? No. That's too strong of a word. But I just can't help but scrunch my face whenever I see them before scrolling past it because well, obviously, I don't have the right to stop people from their shipping. And I'm usually fine with AUs ver of DreamSwap because then, they're a whole new character.

But I really don't get why people don't include the fact that DS! Ink is entirely dependent on Dream's Aura. Basically needs and WANTS it to feel and function. DS! Ink can always use his "vials" but DS! Dream forbid it and not only that, I'm pretty sure it's more preferable to literal shocks that has been input in him to garner a type of emotion.

Like, I can see DS! Ink getting with DS! Dream, half because of his Aura and half because DS! Ink would want it. But will DS! Dream really get together with someone who basically... needs him in his life to be considered as a functional being? Like, won't DS! Dream notice the power imbalance between the two of them?

I don't doubt that if push comes to shove, DS! Ink will definitely not just lie down and submit to bullshit being pushed on him. DS! Ink isn't a pushover and he's not about to become one just because. But DS! Ink honestly feels... gullible? Thanks to the Aura that DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare have. (Maybe this is because my first introduction to DS! Ink is that one part where he got technically kidnapped by DS! Cross and DS! Nightmare and get confronted by them as like, I guess, a closure for DS! Cross? I don't remember but onebizarrekai was the one who wrote it so it's canon... I think.)

But DS! Ink is more.. malleable, easily influenced by DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare's Auras. Easily hurt too, if their auras are both released in DS! Ink's presence.

So I don't really get... why DS! Dream would ever get together, professional (mostly) Lord Von Licht getting together with his employee, someone who is directly works under him. Like, yeah, they're friends and DS! Ink's a sassy shithead but it's just... not something I can see DS! Dream knowingly doing without like, a very obvious struggle and denial?

They always jump into them reciprocating feelings without thinking about the power imbalance and shit.

DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare are different in that, if they ever somehow manage to get together, DS! Dream will be feeling heavy with guilt and trying so hard to make up for it. DS! Dream and DS! Blue are also ships that I'm fine with. Maybe it starts into something casual, benefiting with each other and such since Blue does like, agree with Justice Reigns' ideology. DS! Dream and DS! Error? Oh yeah, I'm also good with that, as they're two levelheaded individuals.

But DS! Dream and DS! Ink? No... like, touch up on the fact that parts first which they don't need to but like... :(

Also Do I Even Need To Explain Why I Don't Get DS! Dream and DS! Cross? Like, yeah, I definitely like Enemies to Lovers Trope but like, do not make them have crushes?? Make it tension not silly high school butterfly in my tummy tee-hee. DS! Cross is so stubborn and hotheaded despite the long way he came from like, dealing with his past and trauma (hate how I'm simplifying it ugh) that DS! Cross acts more like a bitter and jealous guy who's ex-girlfriend hooked up with DS! Dream. And DS! Dream... I love the guy, but he totally has a stick up his ass, viewing DS! Cross in disdain as a lowly criminal especially because of the hatred that DS! Cross has over DS! Dream.

JUST TO BE CLEAR IM NOT DEMANDING NOTHING I'M JUST SAYING LIKE, GIVE ME THE STRUGGLE?? FUCK THAT STILL SOUNDS LIKE A DEMAND BUT LIKE, ya know...

.... ya know

[mx-mix-lurker]

Idea from here

[mx-mix-lurker]

in which pure vanilla's last resort spell during the fight against dark enchantress has even more catastrophic a consequence than he could've ever imagined it would

people love their milkshake amnesia angst AND time travel angst so i say why not both. AU where pv not only ends up as healer cookie but ALSO gets flung backwards through time and into the era of the pre-corrupted beasts, where he's taken in by The Fount of Knowledge & becomes their personal assistant/diviner. welcome to my founthealer propaganda

sum extra notes for fun ^_>^

[mx-mix-lurker]

[mx-mix-lurker]

(through gritted teeth) sometimes what's good for your mental health isn't another do nothing day or a little treat sometimes what's good for you is putting in some of the work. Not all of it at once but sometimes you have to finish that essay or at least take the next step or you have to clean your room or at least dust the shelves or you gotta do the laundry or at least put it all in the hamper and it's not fun and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks but you have to because i read a post on the internet that told me that's what being nice to yourself is sometimes

[mx-mix-lurker]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[mx-mix-lurker]

NEVERMIND I HEAVILY DISLIKED MY CAT SHE TRICKED ME AND WENT FOR MY TOES

GANS SKHHNNN

I love my cat she so inane

was just scratching my neck when suddenly, two furry lil paws landed on my neck. I turn to her in surprise because the little baby should be asleep, she bapped me just bellow my eye. Kept it there while I ask her whats up. I fully turn to my side and the kitty layed down beside my head, as if she was going to sleep again.

So I turn to my side again, planning to let be herself. Kitty took that as a no and bapped me again. I gave her lil attention, let her bite my knuckles for a bit. She seems satisfied with that and wiggled her way back to her sleeping place. Where my pillow and the headboard made a little hidey place she could sleep in.

SHE SO SILLY LIKE KITTY KITTY YOU ONLY NEED THAT AND YOUR BACK TO YOUR SLEEPY TIME???

[mx-mix-lurker]

GANS SKHHNNN

I love my cat she so inane

was just scratching my neck when suddenly, two furry lil paws landed on my neck. I turn to her in surprise because the little baby should be asleep, she bapped me just bellow my eye. Kept it there while I ask her whats up. I fully turn to my side and the kitty layed down beside my head, as if she was going to sleep again.

So I turn to my side again, planning to let be herself. Kitty took that as a no and bapped me again. I gave her lil attention, let her bite my knuckles for a bit. She seems satisfied with that and wiggled her way back to her sleeping place. Where my pillow and the headboard made a little hidey place she could sleep in.

SHE SO SILLY LIKE KITTY KITTY YOU ONLY NEED THAT AND YOUR BACK TO YOUR SLEEPY TIME???

[mx-mix-lurker]

I love this man so much, dear heavens, i need horrible things to happen to him (/affectionate)

*Blasts DS Nightmare with the trauma beam*

Dreamswap!Nightmare by Onebizarekai

[mx-mix-lurker]

YOU'RE ALIVE! I thought you got swamped in work life, and i STILL haven't replied to your ask on your thoughts about Dead DS Nightmare, IM SO SORRY ( T▽T )

It's fine lmaoo, still swamped. I am drowning. Not to mention, a kitty appeared in my life :DD she likes body slamming my face ;,). I woke up with her jumping on my face, bit my jaw, proceeding to stomp on my neck and then stomach! All for food. (Lmao can't help but add my cat she's such a cute zoomie menace. Her love language is bitting and clawing me<333)

And you can answer WHENEVER you want. For Dreamswap Nightmare, you can consider me Jesus for I am Ever Forgiving and Patient for that clown.

[mx-mix-lurker]

Young DS!Nightmare.

Writing: "You were bitter at the world. You were bitter at yourself."

Dreamswap!Nightmare by Onebizzarekai

[mx-mix-lurker]

part 1

[mx-mix-lurker]

I wrote this back in December and by the time I was done with it, I decided it was just. Gonna be for me

But I’m on an angst kick and it’s DS nightmare torture time again. So. Hey want some DS nightmare angst?

The really funny part is that this was (originally) meant to be like. A very short concept idea. To share. And so I put it in the folder for the story thoughts that weren’t proper fics. But uh. I forgot that part pretty fast. And now it might as well be a proper fic

The title in my notes app is just ‘JMV - Staticked Guardian’

Imagine you meet some people. From an alternate multiverse.

One of them is the most sadistic, evil bastard you’ve ever met, and wants nothing more than to make the multiverse grovel at his feet.

The other is his childhood friend, who’s been abused by him and can’t see that he needs to leave.

Now imagine that somehow you end up being kicked back in time. To their childhood home. They’re so young. The oldest is barely a teenager.

You try to talk to them. They’re curious as to what you are. You’re confused; even as young as they are, they should recognize another like them.

You try to tell them you’re like them.

But all that comes out is static.

You realize your entire body is visual static. No wonder they can’t recognize what you are.

Their interest quickly fades as the three of you realize you can’t actually. Tell them. Anything. Who you are, where you come from (except for “the future, I think?? Or another goddamn multiverse I don’t know”), the fact that you know anything about them at all.

You could probably just walk away. If this is their past, do you really want to fuck with the timeline? Do you want to risk making things in the future even worse?

But you know what’s going to happen. Not just because you met them in the future, but because their story will be, in some aspects, the same as yours. You know how the youngest will be treated. Has been treated. You are intimately familiar with that abuse.

So you stay.

You try to take care of them. You try to help them. Be there for them.

But there is very, very little you can do. Your words fizzle into static or your body freezes until you give up whatever action you’re trying to do.

You eventually realize that it’s because those things would’ve changed the timeline. You aren’t allowed to do anything that will seriously affect the future.

You are forced to watch them grow up from the sidelines. You can talk to them, sure. Interact with them. But it doesn’t mean anything. And they see in you what they expect to see. What they see from the people in the village, on the other side of the hill.

The oldest, treated like an angel sent to fix everyone’s woes despite being a child, sees you as yet another who wants him to fix something, though he’s not sure what. You aren’t notable. He has no real opinion on you, except that it’s weird you seem to ‘break’ sometimes and can’t say or do something.

The youngest, treated like a demon for being born as he was, sees you as yet another who wishes he was dead. You’re just quiet about it. You are the best of everyone he knows, that isn’t the older one, and he still hates you. He doesn’t understand why your words stop sounding like words, but your freezing must be you hesitating to do something; either your prejudice keeping you from trying to help, or your conscious keeping you from trying to hurt him.

Everything that you try to do, that you try to say, that isn’t trying to warn them about the future?

You’re trying to tell them you care about them. They ask you to play with them, very early on, and so long as the younger one is involved you can’t. Even sometimes if it’s just the older. You try to help them with groceries and all you can do is silently organize their mess of a pantry and icebox while they’re asleep. You try to comfort them when they’re hurt or upset, but all you can do is stand by.

And it hurts more with each passing day.

They’re children. They remind you so much of you and your childhood friend, and you know exactly what’s going to happen to them.

To the older one, who believed that everyone had at least a little bit of good in them. Whose kindness and compassion and love was so great he couldn’t ever tell the other no, even before he had reason to fear his anger, because he was already so miserable

To the younger one, shown nothing but cruelty and hatred from all but the other since the day he was born. Whose bitterness only grew, and grew, until his hate and fury boiled over and he decided to be the monster they always said he was.

You didn’t know anything about their past until you came here, aside from it being similar to yours.

You’ve only been here a few months. You can already see what’s going to happen. You can see how the story is going to play out. You can’t do anything to stop it. You’re not allowed.

…And the only things you’re not allowed to do are tell them what you know of the future, and be kind to them.

Maybe you’re not allowed to try to hurt them, either, but you’re not going to test it. The idea alone makes you feel like you’re the same as the villagers

You keep trying. You try from every angle you can think of.

You try prepping meals for them when they’re out. You try to help with chores when they’re not looking. You can help with chores, sometimes. when it gets really bad, which is so rare anyway that you can’t find any sense of accomplishment in it.

You try talking to the villagers. Try telling them what you know will happen, though you knew that wouldn’t work anyway. You try to tell them what happened in your version of the story. You try to tell them that they’re assholes, why they’re assholes, that they need to stop. Try to convince them to at least give them some basic human decency and treat them like the kids they are. You try in every possible way to get it through, but there’s still only static.

You try writing notes. Messages. You try carving it into the fucking trees nearby. Anything important fizzles out just like your voice. The ink evaporates. The wood regrows like nothing happened.

You can only watch. Watch as these two—whom you’ve started to see as family, despite everything you tried and couldn’t do—follow the script of their tragedy.

You aren’t surprised in the slightest when the youngest, now in his twenties, steals the magic fruit he was meant to guard. Or when he lights the village on fire, making sure everyone is trapped inside. Or when he leaves, grinning sadistically, without a word to the older one.

You are surprised when no one hears you. The one time you can say something important. The one time you’re allowed. You tried to stop him, before he got to the tree, to tell him the path he wanted to walk wasn’t going to make him truly happy. but he didn’t even seem to see you.

You stay with the older one for a while. He can’t see you, now, either. He’s horrified. Scared. And…hurt. He didn’t need to go with the younger, but…not even a word of goodbye? And he feels so silly for worrying about such a thing, when the younger one just killed everyone they’ve ever known.

He doesn’t notice your absence at all.

Then you discover that you can jump between them.

Two days after the incident, you find yourself standing behind the youngest, trying out his new abilities.

You call his name and he nearly impales you on one of his new black sludge tendrils.

He’s surprised—and furious—that you survived the fire. He demands to know how you even got here, and what you want.

You tell him you’re sorry.

He hears it.

He stares at you.

You tell him you tried, so many goddamn times, to help, but were—for reasons beyond your own understanding—prevented from doing anything that would’ve mattered. Anything that might help him and the other. Anything that might make them happy.

He doesn’t believe you.

Of course not.

You knew he wouldn’t.

But you keep going, because now that you can say something it all just rushes out like water from a dam.

You tell him you knew, the day you arrived, that this would happen. You didn’t know the how, or the exact why, but you knew.

You are prevented from telling him why.

You tell him you tried so fucking hard just to show him and the older one the tiniest bit of kindness, and you never could. Ever. You weren’t even allowed try to talk the villagers into leaving him alone. Or being the tiniest bit nicer.

While he’s still trying to understand what the hell you’re trying to tell him, you hug him.

You’ve never been able to try.

But you can now.

You tell him that, no matter what happens, there will always be at least one person who cares about him.

You’d have said two. But you didn’t think you’d be allowed. And you’re not sure that, in the future you come from, if the older will start to hate him when he realizes how awfully the younger one treated him, once he gets away. If he gets away.

You can’t imagine he would, but that was still over a hundred years into the future, and how could you blame him? You hated the younger one too, at first. For the horrible things he’d done, and was trying to do to you, your friends, your home.

But now all you can see is the little boy who desperately needed someone to love him, tell him he was wanted, that he wasn’t a monster, and was denied. Someone other than the older, who, despite his best efforts, despite meaning it with all of his heart, always sounded to the younger like he was reading a script.

You aren’t surprised when he pushes you away and calls you a liar. He accuses you of trying to suck up to him so he won’t kill you. You tell him that nothing you say will convince him otherwise, even if you were allowed to say anything you wanted.

He does try to kill you. You don’t even have a second to blink before he tries to lift you into the air and strangle you with his new magic. But the moment his tendrils start to squeeze, you phase through them.

He’s not allowed to hurt you.

He’s disgusted. He tries again a few times before getting fed up and deciding that you’re not worth it. He tells you to do the both of you a favor and jump off a cliff.

You don’t cry. You’ve spent so much time screaming in the woods about how unfair it was to you, to them, that you couldn’t do anything to help them, that you can’t cry anymore.

But in your 150-something years of living, you have never felt so heartbroken, grief-stricken, and helpless as now, as you watch him leave, and start to fully understand that the only reason you could give him any kindness, any form of affection, was because it was too late to stop what was coming.

It no longer mattered.

You quickly find that you can’t wander too far from either of them. You have to be near at least one. But at least you can choose who, and when.

You wonder if the reason why you can choose is because they can’t seem to see you anymore.

No one can.

You’re invisible, now. Silent.

You spend the next century or so like this. Following one of them around. Watching. Trying occasionally to get their attention. But nothing happens.

Twenty years after the incident, you stop trying. And you give up hope of returning to the time you came from, without having to live through all the years before you arrived.

A decade or so before the time you came from, the two reunite. It’s worse than you’d have thought a hundred years ago, but exactly what you expected now.

Nothing either of them did really surprised you, anymore.

Now you usually are confined to the manor the younger one has made his home. Sometimes you stay even when you can leave, just so you don’t have to watch the horrors of the younger’s war on humanity and monster-kind.

But you go with him when he leaves sometimes, still. You know he won’t die, at least not yet, but you still worry. Despite everything.

You figure you probably should’ve started hating him by now, but after so long trying to help him, and then many times longer forced to watch unseen, you’ve started to disconnect from it all. Even if you know better, it’s started to feel like watching a movie.

And you still see those two little boys, and remember how you were, once, able to hug the younger one and tell him that someone loved him. But that it didn’t matter.

And then you appear. In the flesh, not this staticky body you’ve been stuck with for over a century.

It hurts you to hear your own voice call the younger one an evil bastard, even if it’s true. It doesn’t hurt quite as much as seeing your best friends again, and not being seen or heard by them. Even though you knew you wouldn’t be able to.

You wondered if you could choose to follow yourself around now. You aren’t surprised that you can’t.

And then, strangely, as you’re sitting in the manor with the older one, trying and failing to remember just how long you were here for before you ended up in the past, you’re pulled to the younger one.

You see yourself and your friends.

You remember this scene. This moment.

This was it.

You don’t realize you’re walking forward until you reach your hand out, trying to stop yourself from fucking with the thing that sent you to the past.

You hear exclamations of surprise and confusion.

You hear the younger one, incredulously, say “You?! You’re still alive?!??”

You feel…weird.

Your ‘past’ self is starting to fall through time.

Your current body is…becoming more real.

The exact moment you disappeared, your staticky body becomes fully flesh and blood again.

For the first time in one hundred and twenty six years.

You’re more than twice the age you were when you left.

Your friends call your name. You can sense everyone’s feelings again.

Everyone’s confused.

The younger one is especially confused. How could it be, that the crackheaded goblin of a guardian he met just a few months ago was the same strange, featureless person that he and the older one had known as kids?

You look down at your hands and they’re shaking. Your eyes sting.

Your friends call your name again, alarmed. They put their hands on your shoulders and ask what’s wrong and you finally break.

It’s several hours before you can tell anyone what happened.

The younger one didn’t stick around long. You could sense his unease, slowly growing into fear right before he left.

You thought that was reasonable.

You don’t want to talk to him, or the older one, about it yet, anyways. You aren’t sure you could, without breaking down again, and without the younger one trying to kill you. You’re not sure you’d even try to avoid it, if he did.

Your friends believe you. You’re so clearly not okay, and you do seem like you’ve lived another lifetime. But they can’t understand just how horrible it was. To know that nothing you could do would ever matter. To be unable to do anything but watch.

But they know they can’t, and probably never fully will. They try to cheer you up, and it feels wrong to you after all this time that they haven’t changed at all. But you don’t care. You can see them again. Talk to them.

Even that’s not enough sometimes. After so long being invisible you keep forgetting that you’re not. That people can see you, that they can and want to talk to you, and that they’ll hear you. Your friends are worried, but don’t know how to help besides trying to snap you out of it when they see it happening.

You have no idea what to do with the information you have now. You know everything about those guardians. You might be able to help change things.

But would it really matter?

Has anything you’ve ever done really mattered?

How much were you able to change before you were sent to the past, anyway?

How could you have ever believed you could change anything at all?

[mx-mix-lurker]

Someone call for help

My six weeks kitten climb up on my chest by her own volition and is currently loafed and trying to sleep on my sternum

I need to piss