my-journeys-my-own

[my-journeys-my-own]

Embrace your stage

A Devotional

Stage One: Young, carefree, making money, going to school, working, possibly living on your own for the first time and making your own decisions. Learning what adulting really means, and possibly thinking that being a kid looks kind of good right now. Falling in love, a lot, and picking yourself up when things don’t go as planned. Having a really good time with friends and learning what being broke really is. This is when you realize why your mom said “we’ve got food at home”. This is when you learn the hard lessons of excess and the value of the dollar. When you learn that actions have real life consequences and some people don’t deserve a place in your life. Where you learn that your parents weren’t necessarily as crazy as you thought and money really doesn’t grow on trees. 

Stage Two: Relationships are hard work, and so is real work. Getting right into the groove of the career now, life feels like it’s really begun. Maybe you’re a homeowner now and you’re getting ready to start or have started a family. Little people come with their own challenges for time and money but with so much love you hardly notice the other stuff. You start to question some of the big picture stuff you grew up believing. Coming to your own conclusions about the world and your place in it. Where you fit and where God fits into the narrative. You’re older now but besides a little more Tylenol than before things still work reasonably well. Juggling all the things isn’t too hard and you wonder why other’s complain? Hanging out with friends is still a good time even though the evening ends slightly earlier than it used to. Money still doesn’t grow on trees but soon that truck will be paid off, so you’ll have a little more each month.

Stage Three: Work, home, kids, spouse, sleep, repeat…..forever. That’s how it feels some days. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that this is the life you wanted. You love it but it’s tiring. Friends seem like a thing of the past unless you run into them at a practice, game or recital. Thankfully your parents just retired so they help with the kids and you’ve gotten your raise and promotion at work so money isn’t too much of a worry these days. Finding time to spend with your spouse gets a little harder but once the kids get older it’s bound to get easier. Right? Trying not to breathe wrong or you’ll put your back out or move too quickly so you don’t sprain something feels like a daily occurrence and can we just praise Jesus for coffee!? Because we know without that we would be hurting a lot more people in the drop off lane at school. Just trying to raise the small humans to be good people can feel like a full time second job that has little to no pay and zero fringe benefits. Because nobody ever listens to Mom until she’s a screaming lunatic. 

Stage Four: How did the house get this quiet so quickly? They’re all driving themselves to their stuff now and nobody needs help with their science projects or homework anymore. Not that you would be much help anyway, it’s been an unspeakable long time since you were in high school. Trying to give them advice and reminding them daily “Don’t do stupid shit” as you pass them the keys to the car along with some cash. Praying for them almost every second of every waking hour. Tracking their locations, just in case the worst happens, making sure you try to know who they’re with and what they’re doing. Learning about your spouse again, now that there’s time to do so. Finding out who you are, what you enjoy, because now your life doesn’t revolve around the kids’ stuff. You work a little more now because you aren’t needed at home. When they don’t feel well, they take care of themselves. Some are gone now, off living their lives being amazing just as you hoped they would. A small part of you wishing they still needed you, just a little. Money isn’t an issue anymore because there’s nobody to spend it on. Nobody asking for Lego’s or pet shop toys. You’re not buying 5 gallons of milk a week or 5 dozen eggs to feed your hoard. You’ve had to learn to cook small again. It’s a little sad and it’s very, very quiet.

Stage Five: Work and counting down to retirement. House is almost paid off. Parents are gone, you miss them every day. Kids are good, working and living their lives. Showing you what an amazing parent you were and soon how amazing a grandparent you will be. Vacations are becoming a thing now too, because you are  finally able to afford it. House is clean almost all the time, as there’s nobody there to mess it up. With only the two of you it’s easy to pick up as you go. Pets have replaced the kids but they’re cheaper and easier to take care of. Plus they don’t talk back. You enjoy each other and yet you spend time with friends too. Easier now that life has slowed down. Daily walks help keep the joints lubricated and as long as we place our feet carefully, we don’t fall. Falling is not a good thing at our age. Everyone we know has wrinkles, is balding and is going deaf. We still think 1985 was 20 years ago and when we realize it was more like 40 we need to lie down. Time is a funny thing, it runs over you and takes your life away without you noticing. 

Stage Six: Since I’ve not experienced this I can’t speak about it. Let’s assume this is the gray haired, motor-homing, adventure stage. We are babysitting the grands and having the best time doing it. We don’t have to work and we get to do all the fun things we’ve always wanted to do. 

Each of these stages will be different for everyone. They’ll all have heartache and trauma. They’ll come with some amazing rewards too. But we have to learn from them and move forward through them with that new knowledge. Remembering the whole time that God is there. He is guiding and lighting the path. He may not be steering the ship but he’s sending the current in which it’s floating. We can pull hard to stern to fight it but we can also just listen with our hearts and follow Him. Our reward is at the end. 

Questions/Actions

Which stage are you in currently and what knowledge and lessons have you gained from the one before?

Are you living this stage to the max? If not, why not? What can you change to maximize your experience?

Verses

“The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” Proverbs 20:29

“Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.” Job 12:12

[my-journeys-my-own]

Oh how I wish my writing looked like that. So beautiful and fluid.

cttos <33 pinterest

[my-journeys-my-own]

orgetting your voice. I play videos of you as much as I can, just to hear you. I never want to forget how you sounded. I wish I had videoed more. I know there’s some on Snapchat, but I admit that I don’t really want to see those, as I know you’re not being “your best self” in those videos. But you were being you, so maybe one day someone can send them to me. But hearing your voice change as you grew makes me smile and cry all at once and I’m terrified to forget it. So, needless to say, I am very thankful for technology, because I can’t stand to think of a world without your voice in it.

PC: LaBella Photography

[my-journeys-my-own]

[my-journeys-my-own]

Just finished this book and it was good. But it was long. The characters were very in depth and complex, each having their own story that the author shared, which I like. But some of the content didn’t feel necessary for the main point of the book. However, I still enjoyed it and give it 3 ⭐️ on my book scale!

[my-journeys-my-own]

Losing your child, no matter how it happens, is a pain no parent should ever suffer, yet here we are. This is my grief journey, you're welcome to join me. Maybe we can help each other.

[my-journeys-my-own]

Beatrice has always been an overly kind person. Especially with her background in mental health, she has learned how to deal with and sympathize with all different sorts of people and their personalities. She is personable, funny, easy to talk to and welcoming. It’s for these reasons that she has struggled to remove people from her life that weren’t healthy for her.

Bea, as she’s known to her friends, is also very loyal. Once you’re in her friend circle, you are there for life. But after multiple incidents of inappropriate behavior, that toed the line of abuse, her other friends were finally able to convince her that certain people she was surrounding herself with didn’t fit into her narrative of “friend”. Several times they had to remind her that being a good “christian woman” didn’t mean being treated like this by people who claimed to be friends.

For example; The time that Cheryl told Bea that the makeup choices she chose were dreadful, and made her look dead. How she would never have let her wear those colors and this was not said in a kind of “sister I have to save you from your bad makeup choices” kind of way. No, this was said in a “look down your nose because you’re inferior to me” way. Then the time that Bea was hosting all of us at her mountain cabin, and was unceremoniously told by Louise that she would have never bought such a place, that it was too small, had bad colors on the wall (Bea chose those by the way), a view that’s lacking and so on. And the countless times that someone was having a very vulnerable moment, sharing with the group, and one or both of these friends would immediately do something that either turned the conversation around and made it about them, or stopped it all together. Either way, the behavior was inappropriate and sad. 

Toxic friends. 

Some people are fortunate to side step those kinds of people in their lives, however I would venture a guess that most have the unfortunate experience of having had one or two. The question then becomes, how long do you put up with them? What’s interesting about my friend Bea, who is a real person by the way, is that if she was your counselor and sitting across from you, she would say, “You don’t have to continue to endure that behavior. Set boundaries, and if they can not respect them, then you will have to distance yourself”. Advice she resisted taking for several years when it came to her own toxic friendships. 

Why?

Why would a beautiful, smart, loyal and accomplished woman allow herself to be treated like that by a “friend”? Simply put, because she has a hard time seeing the behavior for what it was. BAD BEHAVIOR. By putting up with it she was giving them permission to continue it. We had several conversations about these two particular women, and she would often say something along the lines of “the Christian thing to do”…..blah blah blah. NO. Christ may have said “Turn the other cheek” “Love your fellow man” and “ Love thy neighbor” but I never read where he said “Hey, could you do me a solid and let people walk all over you until you have little to no self respect left?” I don’t remember reading that.

The fact of the matter is that no matter the relationship, you have the right to be treated correctly. I’ve always tried to teach my kids to respect their elders and I still hold fast to that practice, however I feel respect does need to be earned and reciprocated. 

If you are the one who is constantly reaching out, sending cards, doing little things for someone, always being their sounding board, helping put out their fires, defending them to others, making excuses for them, etc. Check yourself. Are they doing the same for you?

Many times the toxic friend fits into the following as defined by the Mayo Clinic.

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.”

Sound familiar?

If so, then it’s time to start distancing yourself and putting up some boundaries. You can stop feeding into all their wants and needs, start demanding some respect or halt the friendship all together. It may take awhile to truly cut the ties, depending on how long you’ve been invested in this person.

I have faith in you.

You can do it.

Lean on your real tribe.

The ones that are always there, you know who I mean.

Those are your people. 

Bea, you know I love you. You have always been there for me and I will always be there for you. I’ll never allow anyone to hurt you and I will always tell you the truth! ~S