my-little-diary

[my-little-diary]

It’s been a long time since I’ve had something to say. In a year from now I have no clue where I’ll be other than the fact that wherever I am will be far away from all my friends. I live with 3 of them now and on some days it already feels like they’re preparing for my absence. And I want to scream at them that I’m still here! I’m not gone yet! When I leave I’m not even sure they’ll call. I know I don’t. I’m terrible at it, at things that are long distance. It’s not even an out of sight out of mind thing because how do you forget something you love? I don’t even forget the things I hate or things with a sliver of importance. I just don’t know how to pick up the phone to say I miss you. I’m afraid I won’t learn to do it in time either.

One of my biggest fears in life is being forgotten. But I also long for a life where I wake up in peace every morning because no one is able to get to me. How do you live in a dilemma like that? How do you tell your friends that you want to be in their presence everyday and at the same time leave everything all behind to wander cliffs that don’t exist?

I don’t know where I am going to go. Or who I am going to meet. Life is going to fast and I feel like I’m not enjoying it like I’m supposed to. I don’t know how to get over this lasting pit of nothingness that’s rooted itself into my body. I don’t think I want to die. But I also if it knocked on my door then I would let him in. Only if it means I don’t have to think again.

[my-little-diary]

Haven’t spoken in a while and I thought I’d give an update on my life. Every time I think I’m over the guy, he does something and I’m reminded that I’m not. The other night it was just us on his floor and we were laughing and giggling like little kids at everything. We were really close together too. And now it’s like it never happened. When there are other people around he always chooses them over me. It’s not fair.

Also on another note, do people seriously not realize how rude it is to be talking about a groupchat you’re not in while you’re right there? Example. Let’s say you go eat dinner with 4 of your friends. They start talking about something someone said in the gc with just the 4 of them and suddenly you’re not even there. They all laugh over something they understand and you have to sit there and pretend like you’re not bothered that they don’t notice. But it doesn’t even matter because even if you were to look slightly upset they wouldn’t spare you a second glance.

I try my hardest all the time to be the person I was raised to be but it’s so difficult. I don’t know how to convey things the same way that I see other people do. My emotions are short and concise and with no extreme. I feel like I’m faking my emotions half the time just so people don’t think there’s something wrong. I don’t understand it. Why can’t I be able to do the things that they do? Why do people never know how I’m feeling when I feel like it’s written all over my face? I’m trying to express changes in emotion but I just can’t and I hate it. Everyday feels like I’m going to snap and release all my pent up rage and I’m going to be back at square one, but I never do and I don’t think I will anytime soon.

On a more positive note I’m becoming more content with being alone. It sucks not being someone’s first choice or having a best friend you do everything with but I’m coming to terms with it. Finding someone to be your best friend is hard when a. You’ve struggled to make friends your whole life and b. It feels like everyone already has their best friend. But I’ve decided that if I’m going to live a lonely life then I should start to get used to it.

I hope everyone feels the love they deserve. Especially those that think the deserve none, because you are the ones who deserve it the most.

[my-little-diary]

I’m thinking about him again. And I really know I shouldn’t. Ever single thing I see reminds me of the time that we spent together. I saw a video about the Spider-Man kiss and it reminded me of when we did that. I read a quote about the beauty of eyes and it reminded me of when we complemented each others eyes. I see a tennis ball and I think of him. Bread, the beach, movies, and heroes. Everything is a reminder of him and our time together. A time that is past and gone. I miss him and what we had. I don’t think I’ll ever get that sort of feeling again.

[my-little-diary]

I think I’m just going to make this my new diary.

I’m so tired. I really like my friends but I feel like none of them like me back the same amount. Anyone else does literally anything and it can make the room explode into laughter. It’s not even funny things. They’re just normal activities. When they go to show something on their phone, I don’t get shown. When they’re singing, no one sings with me. If they’re going somewhere, I don’t get asked to come with.

Literally the other night me and two of my friends were standing in the hallway and one turned to the other to ask about breakfast. On Monday Wednesday and fridays I have the same morning time schedule as them and they know it. But I didn’t get asked. I’m just getting annoyed that I’m no one’s first pick in that group.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. But it really feels like I’m not and that if I just stopped showing up I don’t know if they’d notice. Maybe next week I’ll do that. I just won’t come until someone says something. I just want someone to look at me and laugh at the little things I do even when they’re not funny. I want someone to dance and sing with me. I want someone to say “hey we’re getting breakfast in the morning, do you want to come?” I want to be in on the little secrets and stories.

I don’t care if that makes me selfish wanting to have someone notice me first. But I deserve it. I want to feel wanted in my friend group.

[my-little-diary]

Little Rant

I never post on here. But I need a place to put all of my words out somewhere and this is the only account I can do that in anonymity. I have known this guy, let’s call him Chris, for a really long time. We haven’t really been close our entire life but we at least knew each other. This past summer before college, we started getting really close and hanging out a lot. We also are going to the same college and yes it’s nice going to school with at least one friend beforehand.

We continue to hang out and we meet new people in college who are super cool and we really like hanging out with them. Then one weekend we all decide to go out to a party and we have tons of fun. A bunch of us come back to Chris's room after to chill before slowly trickling out. I was already on planning on staying in his room on the floor because I did not feel comfortable going back to my dorm at 2 in the morning. We are just talking when the conversation of cuddling comes up. I have never had a boyfriend and I have never slept in the same bed as a guy and so I admitted to him that I would just have to take his word that cuddling is nice. So Chris asks if I want to cuddle with him and I’m not going to say no. So we cuddle and sleep together that night. And the next.

Now I'm freaking out because what if I just ruined our friendship so I ask to talk to him about it later that week. We discuss it and decide that while neither of us want to necessarily be in a relationship, cuddling together isn’t that bad. So you do it the following weekend except this time you kiss. And you kiss the next night too. And Now I’m thinking oh man maybe I do actually like this guy. But I’m not going to act on it because I don’t want to ruin what we have. We continue to hang out and it’s really nice. But I'm starting to get worried because there is a new girl and I think that Chris might like her more. But according to all your friends, he has stood her up many times.

A few weeks go by and we’re still sleeping in the same bed and then I a shift. And for the first time in a while, I didn’t spend the weekend with him in his bed. Then on Monday he walks me to my dorm and tells me that he thinks we should stop sleeping with each other and I said that I agree, even though deep down I knew that this is the first person that I have truly ever liked like this. I mean he was my first kiss. But, I tell him that I just want to be his friend and that I don’t want this to have had any effect on our relationship. And Chris agrees.

But now it feels like things are still weird even though we ended things like a month ago. I feel like he doesn’t treat my like our other friends that are also girls and it really does hurt. He never really initiates conversations, or walks with me when we’re in a big group, or asks me to do anything. And the more that I think about it, he never really did those things when we were closer. He just doesn’t treat me the same way and it really hurts my feelings. I’ve said to everyone who has asked that I would rather keep his friendship than end up in a ruined relationship because he really does mean a lot to me. But also at the same time, it still feels like he doesn't even really consider me a friend based on the way that he treats me compared to some of the other people. And I don’t know if it’s because he still likes me but he’s trying to get over me because he thinks I want a relationship and he’s just not ready for a new one? I don’t know if it’s because he’s just awkward about the whole situation? Which I don’t think he should be since we both agreed to end things and it’s not like we had sex. I don’t know if he just does’t like me as a person in general? 

I know that it would be best to try and move on and maybe find someone new. And I am. The only problems are that I don’t know how, and none of them are him. I am so tired of overthinking all of this and I am even more tired of thinking of him. But I can’t stop.

[my-little-diary]

What do I do when I’ve finished a book. I literally can not do anything else the rest of the day. It’s the only think on my mind for weeks. I need to know everything and have more details then I was given

[my-little-diary]

So… Morgan and pepper don’t remember Peter. They don’t remember why Tony risked everything do they?

[my-little-diary]

I know that gn stands for gender neutral. However. Whenever I read it, my brain automatically says goodnight

[my-little-diary]

I’m making Fear Street my only personality now

[my-little-diary]

Thinking about the conversation I had with my tennis coach today. He asked me if I was ever wrong and I quite simply said no. Because I am in fact never wrong.

[my-little-diary]

To anyone who sees this, I want you to trust me that I’m extremely hot and sexy. Like you wouldn’t even believe it. Imagine the hottest person you know. Yeah I’m hotter than them

[my-little-diary]

I don’t know why I just remembered this but a couple weeks ago I had a dream about this guy in my grade(nothing bad lol) and it was weird. In the dream I was talking to one of my friends and the guy walked up to me and handed me $25. Then he said, “I want you to kill him” and I think I did?!? Why did I do it for $25? I’m not even close with the guy

[my-little-diary]

I made this account on accident and I don’t know how to delete it. I guess I have tumblr now